Cast in order of appearance: Al, Wrath, Envy, Ed, Izumi, Lin

At school

Al sits at lunch table alone carefully picking through a tray of food

Wrath sits down next to him

Wrath: Watch'a eat'n?

Al: I-… I don't really know.

Wrath looks down at his school lunch

Wrath: Mom packed me a lunch, but Envy stole it….

Al: Yeah, she-

Wrath: He

Al: Right, he stole my lunch money last week too. Well actually Greed took it, then Envy spent it….

Envy sits down with a large packed lunch

Wrath: Wha'd Ma pack?

Envy: Do you ever speak incomplete sentences?

Wrath: Not really.

Envy shrugs and opens his-… Wrath's lunch

Envy (mouthful): So where's pipsqueak, pipsqueak's brother?

Al: He has second lunch today, but we have next class together next.

Wrath looks at Envy's bag of potato chips

Wrath: Envy what's with those potato chips Envy? They're all red.

Envy: Huh? Oh, they're spicy.

Wrath: Spicy! Gimme!

Envy: No way they're mine!

Wrath: Come on! Please?

Envy: Not a chance!

Wrath: I'll tell Dante you were mean to me!

Envy: *pout* …Want a chip?

Wrath: Thanks!

Envy offers bag to Al

Envy: Want one?

Al: No thanks. I can't handle spicy things.

Envy: *evil smile*

Envy: Here take one! (puts potato chips in front of Al's face)

Al: Didn't ya hear me? I can't eat spicy food, you should really listen when someone's telling you something.

Envy: Oh it's okay, these are really good for you, they make you grow taller.

Al: Really? Maybe I should give a few to Brother.

Al takes bag of chips

Envy: But you probably want to test one, just to make sure it's not… poisoned or anything.

Wrath: …?

Al: Oh you're right, Brother would never forgive me if he got poisoned.

Al eats chip

Wrath: …? Um, Al?

Al: … (sticks tongue out) … h-hot….

Envy: *smirk*

Al: …….. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Twenty minutes later

Al (hand over mouth) walking down the hall with Wrath and Envy

Al: You're terrible, I thought I was gonna die!

Envy: *shrug* Not my fault.

Wrath: It kinda is Envy.

Ed walks up behind them

Ed: Envy.

Envy: Ed.

Ed and Envy: *glare*

Envy: You know if one more suspension didn't mean expulsion you'd already be stuffed in a locker.

Ed: Funny I was thinking the same thing.

Al: Hi Brother.

Ed: Hey, ready for music after break?

Al: Yep, I- hic!

Ed: …?

Envy: …!

Wrath: …?

Al: hic!

Ed: What's this now? Got hiccups?

Wrath: I bet it's 'cause you ate all that spicy stuff.

Ed: You ate something spicy?

Al points at Envy

Al: They're hic! gonna make you taller.

Ed: *glare*

Envy: It's not my fault he's gullible.

Al: hic! What do I do? hic!

Wrath: Can't you cure it by drinking water?

Al: hic! Water?

Four standing in front of a soda machine

Al: hic! …hic!

Envy: Get whatever you want (pulls out Al's lunch money) you're buy'n.

Al: …hic! Um okay, just not- hic! soda.

Envy: Okay one soda.

Al: No! hic! No soda! hic! I'm terrible with c- hic! carbonation.

Ed: *shrug* It's true.

Cup of water fills up in the machine

Al takes it and drinks some

Everyone waits

Al: …. hic!

Ed: Those are some stubborn hiccups.

Wrath (said thoughtfully): I heard it was good to drink water with your nose plugged.

Envy: Actually I heard it was your ears.

Ed: Let's try 'em both!

Ed covers Al's ears and Al pinches his nose

Wrath: Ready?

Al (nasally): hic! Yep.

Al drinks water

All wait

Ed: Are ya cured?

Al: No way to tell for sure….

Envy: ….

Wrath: ….

Ed: ….

Al: … hic!

Envy: Nope.

Ed: Wait I know!

Ed begins rummaging through his bag and pulls out a set of chopsticks

Wrath: …Why do you have chopsticks Edward?

Ed: This is a Japanese anime, is it not?

All look toward camera

Envy: …Awkward.

Ed: Now balance the cup on these and drink from it.

Wrath: Ya sure?

Ed: Nope! Give it a try.

Al: Okay. hic!

Takes chopsticks and tries to balance the cup

Hiccups and drops the cup

… Fail

Ed: … Forget it, let's just go to music.

Al: hic! Okay.

Looks back at homunculus

Al: See y-hic!-ou in homeroom.

Envy and Wrath: Alright, bye.

Music class: the recorder test

Al gets up with recorder and begins to play

One note, hic! Three notes, hic! Four notes, hic! Two notes, hic!

Ed: *trying not to laugh*

Teacher: … I think you're done, Alphonse.

Al: But -hic!- I didn't -hic!- finish!

Teacher: Yes… you did.

Al: A-hic!-rlight…

English class:

Wrath looks over at Al

Al: hic! hic! hic!

Izumi drags chalk down the black board in irritation

Izumi: Knock it off Alphonse!!!

Homeroom:

Wrath and Envy stand around Al scratching their heads

Ed runs in

Ed: Hey! Time to go home!

Al: hic! hic!

Ed: Huh? Still have your hiccups?

Al: hic! Yeah, hic!

Ed: This means it's been going on for over two hours.

Envy: Can't ya die if you have hiccups for over a day?

Al: Die?! hic!

Wrath jumps up

Wrath: Al, please be afraid! Be very afraid! (begins screaming and flailing his arms)

Al: Sorry, hic! but that's not scaring me hic! one bit.

Envy smacks Al on the back as hard as he possibly can

Ed and Wrath: …?!

Envy (still slapping Al on the back): I heard if you smack someone on the back really hard it'll get rid of hiccups!

Wrath: Isn't that for choking?

Envy: *pause* Oh… yeah sorry about that….

Al: That was mean! hic!

Wrath: Don't hiccups happen 'cause something's, like shaking?

Ed: Yeah, spasms in the diaphragm.

Al: Where's hic! that?

Ed: Right below the lungs.

Envy: Right here! (punches Al in the stomach)

Al: …. (falls out of chair onto the floor)

Ed: H-hey! That the solar plexus!

Wrath: Isn't that a vital point on the human body?

Envy: Huh?

All watch Al, still lying on floor

Envy: A-are ya cured?

Al stands up

Al: … hic!

Envy: No good, huh?

Al shakes head

Lin passes through

Lin: Hi guys.

Al: Hi- hic!

Lin: Hiccups?

Al: Ye-hic!-ah.

Lin: You can cure it by brewing persimmons and drinking the tea.

Ed: That's just folklore.

Al: We don't hic! have any hic! persimmons anyway.

Lin: Then try holding your breath for a while.

Wrath: Okay ready, start!

Al holds breath

Lin: Now apply pressure to the eyeballs.

Envy holds done Al's eyelids

Al: Ow! Ow! Ow!

Lin: Now pull his tongue.

Ed pulls Al's tongue

Several minutes later

Al: hic!

Envy: Anything else?

Lin: Let me think… give it to someone else?

Ed: This is starting to sound a bit unscientific.

Al continues hiccupping while staring into space

Envy: What're you looking at?

Al: Dunno- hic!

Lin: If he's not getting any better it could be he's really sick.

Al: I don't feel sick.

Lin: You might wanna have that checked out.

Ed: Sick? With what?

Lin: Like… the brain.

Al: The brain?!

Ed and Envy: Oooooh….

Al: What'd ya mean?

Envy: It's because your brain might have a few problems.

Al: Like what?

Ed: Well you are a little… slow, at times….

Al: Are you talking about symptoms?

Ed: Not really symptoms… just… um?

Envy: The fact that he's not aware of the symptoms himself is sorta a symptom itself, ya know?

Al: What's that supposed to mean?!

Wrath (blankly staring at Al): Al… your hiccups are gone.

All pause

Al: Wow! I guess you're right! I must be cured! It's happily ever after!

Ed: Wonder what it was that stopped 'em.

Wrath: Beats me- hic!

Al: I gave my hiccups to Wrath!

Lin: Back to square one.

Wrath: hic! hic!

Ed: What came first?

Envy: Smack him on the back and punch him in the solar plexus.

Wrath: hic! Hold on! hic!

Envy: Man I'm gonna enjoy this!

Wrath: hic! Wait!!!

Fin

And the next ch of FMA Gags for you! With love from Tennessee!

What're you doing?

… Who are you?

I'm Kentucky.

OMFG!!!!

Like I said before what're you doing?

Writing about FMA…?

Sure okay, have fun with you delusional superiority.

Over what?

The other states!

… Oh… I'm sorry?

You should be!

*inch away*