Cast in order of appearance: Ed, Izumi, Al, Envy, Wrath, Greed, Pride, Mustang
Ed enters and stands center stage, behind podium
Ed: Ahem… this is reasons why not to become a state alchemist. So let me start with reason number one-
Izumi jumps in from nowhere
Izumi: 'cause state alchemists suck!
Ed: H-hey! You can't do that it's my program!
Izumi pushes Ed from podium
Izumi: Reason number two!
Al enters
Al: Can I tell it Izumi?
Izumi: *shrug*
Al: Okay, scary story time!
Spot light on Al
Al: Reason number two why not to become a state alchemist…. Because when you were in second grade there was a terrible teacher named Ms. Griswald. She was older than God and smelled of stale coffee and gym socks. The kind of teacher who would turn the simplest question into an hour long answer.
Envy enters transformed into an old woman, Wrath following
Wrath: Ms. Griswald?
Envy (shrill voice): What?!
Wrath: Can I use the bathroom?
Envy: May you use the bathroom.
Wrath: That's what I just asked, can I use the bathroom?
Envy: MAY you use the bathroom!
Wrath: Please I need to use the bathroom.
Envy: Just ask me then!
Wrath: Can I use the bathroom?!
Envy: May you use the bathroom!
Wrath: *runs out* Ahh!
Al: So you stood there until you either wet your pants or ran out only to come back several seconds later and end up in the corner with a cone on your head, while she breathed down your neck.
Pan to Greed, sitting in the corner
Greed: Again?
Envy changes back into normal form (as normal as that form gets)
Al: Hold on Envy I'm not finished yet.
Envy changes back
Al: So in second grade Ms. Griswald was going to put on a play. A play about what? About how wonderful state alchemists really were. And you- (points to Ed) you were the one who was destined to play the part of the Fullmetal alchemist… you knew it, we all knew it.
Ed: *sniffle* Thanks!
Al: But you didn't get it.
Ed: Huh?
Envy stuffs a tree costume over Ed
Al: You got the part of the tree. Seven years old, terribly impressionable and you are given the part of the tree.
Envy (to Wrath): Say your line, you open this performance, if you don't do well we all burn.
Wrath: … Um, okay, "State alchemists get busy and follow lead so that they can meet our needs!"
Envy: Now say it like you mean it.
Wrath: I do mean it.
Envy: You need to put more emphasis on the last word.
Wrath: More what?
Envy: Say it like this… NEEDS!!!
Wrath: Needs!
Envy: NEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!!!
Wrath: Neeeds?!
Envy: Wrath say it right or I'll take you home and stuff you in an oven!
Wrath: NEEEEDS!!!
Envy: We'll work on it.
Al: You were small for your age.
Ed: Hey!
Al: And in all the confusion on stage during the play you tripped and fell.
Ed tumbles down in tree costume while other FMA characters move around him
Ed: Ms. Griswald! Help!
Envy: Keep going you little delinquents! Don't you dare stop!
Al: You can't escape or turn around to yell for help from your peers, the papier-mâché too strong to break out of but not to break through. Hour after hour you lay there as characters sat on you, mistaken for a prop; you, constantly fearing, the costume would break and you would be suffocated.
Ed: Get off! You're gonna kill me!
Al: So eventually you are left there. The play is over, and you are alone.
Ed (muffled): Guys? Anyone there? Hello?
Al: In time there was nothing left for you to do, but fall asleep, and so you did. But all you could dream of was Ms. Griswald, riding on a giant tree while chanting "State alchemist NEEEEEEDS!!!!!"
Ed: AHHH!!! Somebody help me!!!!
Al: For years afterward the same dream haunted you again and again, until that's all you could think of when you heard the words state alchemist. To the point where you'd lay awake at night your ears ringing with the ghost of NEEEEEEDDSS!!!!!!
Al: Reason number three-
Wrath: Let me!
Al: Okay.
Wrath: FAN GIRLS!!!! The most horrible of all evils. The spawns of satin dwelling on this earth! But hey, where would we be without 'em.
Envy pulls Ed out of tree costume
Ed: Thanks Envy.
Envy: Don't thank me yet.
Ed gets jumped by group of fan girls
Ed: Help!!!! Somebody!! Hey! That's my automail!
Wrath: Now there's a huge catch to being a state alchemist, even larger than Ms. Griswald *twitch*. The fan girls can and will find you if you leave your quiet little home in the country to become a high up military member. It may be because they enjoy dressing you up in the uniforms, or it could just be because they want to make you something yaoi *shudder*, but either way, they will take your soul and twist it inside out, to the point where they reach an idea of you and your brother… I'll leave it at that to prevent mental scarring.
Al: Thanks.
Wrath: No prob.
Al: So if you value your life and have even an ounce of self-respect you'll stay away from the military.
Fan girl grabs Al
Girl: Kiss your brother!
Al: *panic* AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Ed tackles girl
Ed: RUN AL!!!!! I'll hold 'em off!!!! RRRRRUUUUNNNN!!!!!!!!!!
Several minutes later
Ed: *pant, pant* They're leaches!
Al: *pant* I thought we were goners!
Envy: Okay, reason number four why not to become a state alchemist. There's a little thing called pride.
Pride: That's me!
Envy: No, not you. *point to Mustang* Him. It might not be today, or tomorrow, or even the next day, but eventually, after being in the military as a state alchemist, you will become a Mustang.
Mustang: What do you mean?!
Ed: Come on Mustang, isn't it obvious?
Al: Yeah, you never stop talking about yourself.
Mustang: How dare you! I'll burn you two to a crisp with my amazing flame alchemy!
Ed: You just did it.
Mustang: What?
Al: Just now. You were bragging.
Mustang: Ha! Was not! Being the flame alchemist, I know where my place is.
Ed: You did it again.
Al: Yeah we know who you are; you don't need to say your title.
Mustang: I don't need this! I get all the girls and I'm the best looking one in the military.
Ed and Al exchange glance
Ed pulls back stage curtains revealing searching fan girls
Ed: Look! It's Mustang!
Al: The flame alchemist!
Girls: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mustang (being dragged away): Not like this! It can't end like this!
Envy: So eventually that will happen to you… not a good thing.
Ed: Reason number five.
Izumi: 'cause state alchemist suck!
Al: Reason number six, because the duties of the military will pull you away from one of the single most important things in you life… your cell phone.
All take out cell phones and begin texting
Al: When you're in the military you can't always get to your phone and, maybe just maybe, you will get that life changing call, that mind boggling text, the thing that completely flips your world upside down! True it's never happened to you… true it's never happened to anyone you know, or ever met in your life, but it's possible, you will get that call, or text and won't be able to reach your phone. Now put your phones away.
All return phones to their pockets
Ed: Reason number seven-
Izumi: 'cause state alchemists suck!
Ed: We already said that for one and five!
Izumi: It's true!!
Ed: Can you explain why?!
Izumi: Cause state alchemists are ****ing-!
Al (while Ed and Izumi argue and throw fists in the background): This section of the program has been censored due to inappropriate language and the possibility of sever injuries to both Izumi and Ed. To view the uncensored version, please visit .com. Thank you.
Ed: Reason number eight. Because scientists tell us that when a butterfly flaps its wings in South America it sets off a chain reaction that could trigger a hurricane halfway across the world. So the same thing could happen with alchemy when you change the wind or air currents.
Al: Scientists know when there is going to be good weather by looking at spastic lab rats. Weather men know when the weather will be good by looking at instruments and tools. Old people sitting on park benches gumming tuna sandwiches know when it's going to be a nice day by the way their joints feel. Even your step-homunculus-brother who recently almost passed the tenth grade for the eight time knows it's a nice day.
Envy looks outside
Envy: It's sunny, I'm going out.
Ed: So by consulting all of these experts we will know whether it's a good thing to become a state alchemist and use alchemy.
Mustang enters and snaps his fingers
Scientist: The lab rats! They've gone ballistic!!
Weatherman: These readings are off the charts!!
Old people: My joints are aching! My bones are hurting all over!
Envy walks back inside
Envy: It got cloudy….
Ed: See, not a good idea.
Wrath: Number nine, because my mom wrote me a note.
Pulls out note in his handwriting
Wrath: "Dear Mr. Bradley, please excuse Wrath from taking the state alchemist exam, he's allergic to them, and mayonnaise, and if he takes the exam he will sneeze and swell and break out in hives. From Sloth."
Al: And lastly, reason number ten….
Long pause
All look at each other
Envy points at Ed
Envy: He has it! I saw him say something!
Ed: I didn't say anything! You're delusional…! It was Al!
Al: Who said I had it?! I got nothing!
Izumi: I have one-!
Ed: No you don't!
Wrath: I got it! I got it!
All look at Wrath
Wrath: Because when you were in second grade you had a horrible teacher named Ms. Gr-
Ed: We already did that one! No repeats!
Wrath: We did? Oh yeah we did!
Al: It's gotta be here somewhere!
Ed: I dropped the paper when Izumi attacked me!
Greed: Can I come out of the corner now?
Envy: Yeah help us look!
Ed: Did we even have a ten?
Al: Yeah ten comes after nine!
Ed: But we've already got nine good ones, I mean, even five would've done the trick, no, even two!
Wrath: But we promised them ten!
Ed: Says who?
Al: You did, at the top of this fanfic!
Ed: I never said that!
Al: Oh well in that case your mother did!
Ed: *roles up sleeve* What'd ya say about Ma?
Al: What?! Ya wanna challenge me?
Two go at each other
Izumi: State alchemist suck!
Ed (about to punch Al in the mouth): Stop it!
Al (yanking on Ed's braid): Yeah Teacher, we can't do that one again.
Wrath: Because! Because! Because!
Al: Because of the wonderful things he does!
Envy: I got it! Because if you do you'll become the freaken star of this freaken show!
All hesitate and look at Ed
All: … It's true.
Ed: Guilty I guess….
All: Get Ed!!!!!!!
AH HA! Another from Tennessee! I hope you liked it! Please review, reviews are better than ice-cream!
Why do you combine the manga and the anime Tennessee?
Ah! Kentucky! I-I didn't know you had a key to my house....
I picked the lock... still writing?
Um... yeah... but this is probably my last gag.
HA! I WIN!!!!
No not really, I'm still going to write.
I'll beat you down eventually! Your not better than the rest of us states!!!!
Thanks for reading all my gags!