Full Summary: In the uncertain world of adults, Sora and Riku attempt to patch together their shaky relationship after almost 5 years apart. It's about love and hate and lost trust, set in a world where the magic has run dry and the boys see each for who they really are. The tension doesn't last for long, however, as both men fall into a routine that they both know very well. Along the way, they become reacquainted with the old qualities that brought them together, while familiarizing themselves with the individuals that each person has become.
Warnings: Language, Blitz-Fail, Intense Conversation, and Sora Makes His Decision
Disclaimer: None of the characters within this fanfic belong to me. If it did, this would be a full length movie with all smexy-slashy-yaoiness I could legally fit onto a single DVD. Kingdom Hearts is a lovely invention of Square Enix.
Hypervigilance
Chapter 13: Lament
-
"Hey."
Riku woke to a bit of blond staring him in the face. The basement was dark but the tiny half window nearly the top of the ceiling shed a little moonlight on the room, illuminating shortish angel blond hair and the faintest facial features of a man.
Riku blinked and scowled, clamping his eyes shut tight and doing his best to pretend he had never woken up. He had already laid down some pretty clear grounds rules for Tidus the night before, since he knew about 87 percent of the time, the man just couldn't help himself. And as long as he would be sharing a room as well as an old age-stiffened queen sized bed with him, Riku made sure that the younger man knew that touching and any other antics would not be tolerated and he would not be responsible for socking him in the mouth due to any transgressions against these ground rules.
But a gentle shift of skin against his back and the arm draped unconsciously across his side was definitely Tidus, breathing quietly and shallowly in the lull of sleep behind him. Which meant the man who awakened him was certainly not Tidus. And he was much too small to be Wakka.
Startled by this discovery, Riku sat up abruptly, throwing Tidus' arm off of him (resulting in a tired whine of protest), blinking bewilderedly at whatever had sneaked into the basement without alerting anyone's attention.
"Hi." A quiet awkward laugh and the man sat back on his heels, waiting for Riku to regain sense of who he was before saying anything else.
"Evann?" Riku squinted, his eyelids heavy and thick-feeling from sleep. "What are you doing?"
Evann put a finger to his lips, that much Riku could recognize in the darkness, and gestured toward the back door with his head, which led outside to the concrete patio beside the garage.
Riku managed a nod and slipped out of the warm bed and immediately winced at the cold, carpetless floor under his bare feet. Evann pulling the back door open silently, waiting for Riku to get over the loss of feeling in his toes so he could join him.
"What's wrong? What happened?" Riku asked as soon as the door was safely cracked behind them, shivering despite the balmy night air. "Where's Sora?"
"He's sleeping." Evann yawned despite himself and the fact that he came down there to wake Riku up. He wasn't wearing a shirt and Riku couldn't help but notice the tapestry of dark scrawling ink painting curled patterns of elegant lines across his left side and lower abdomen. Had Riku not been so disoriented with exhaustion, he might've noted that his assumption was correct, that the man was covered in tattoos. "I needed to talk to you, without him around."
Riku blinked, failing to understand his reasons. "Why?"
"I just thought you should know that...I don't typically yell at people. That's just not the type of person I am." Evann told him, quietly, looking out at the darkened backyard rather than at Riku himself. "So I just wanted to apologize. For that."
Riku was silent for a long second, contemplating his words and their meaning. He frowned, and then scowled at the fact that he was actually drug out of a warm bed for this. "That's it?"
"I don't want to fight you, okay?" He declared, turning his sharp gray-blue eyes on Riku, though they looked more black at night. "I promised Sora I wouldn't. And I honestly don't want to hate you. You seem like a nice person."
"Okay." Riku muttered tiredly, wishing he had at least stolen the blanket off the bed before he came outside. It wasn't even that cold, he just felt a little exposed standing out on the patio in only some old sweatpants. Evann, however, lit a cigarette and leaned against the low railing bordering the small patio.
"He's getting harder to talk to." Evann said without prompt, the cherry of his cigarette glowing in the surrounding dark.
"Sora?" Riku yawned, slipping his hands into his pockets.
"Mm." Evann hummed, glancing at him briefly. He leaned forward on his elbows and sighed smoke into the air. "Sometimes I think..." He trailed off, blinking at the night sky. He looked very young from the side, light hair skirting the edges of his eyes and face.
He opened his mouth as if to say something else, then frowned as if he changed his mind again and then opened his mouth once more. "What was he like before? When he was younger, I mean."
"Happy." Riku said almost immediately. "Strong, resilient. Hard-headed as hell."
Evann laughed, lightly, twisting the edge of his cigarette between his fingers before replacing it back between his lips. "Wish I could've met him." Riku frowned at the comment, the nostalgic smile he wasn't totally aware of wearing dropping from his face.
"Everything...okay?" Of course he meant relationship-wise. Could it be that both of them were unsatisfied with their marriage?
Judging from the face he was making, Riku wouldn't be totally surprised if that were true. "Not really." Evann leaned forward and the surface of his back was more easily seen. A line of words that Riku couldn't read and a group of birds that appeared to be disappearing into the sun. More tattoos. "I can't seem to make him happy."
"I'm sure that's not true." Riku said softly, drawing his arms up over his chest.
"You keep saying that." Evann pointed out with a little smile. Riku noticed. And he wondered why he kept doing that, reassuring the man that his marriage was fine when it so clearly was not. It was a bad habit of his that he really needed to stop.
"What does that one mean? The one on your shoulder?" Riku said after about a minute, receiving a confused blink and a raised eyebrow. "Your tattoo." He clarified, feeling strangely embarrassed that he even asked. It was kind of like admitting that he staring at his body.
"Oh, the words?" Evann glanced back as if to actually look over his shoulder before flicking ashes into the grass and shrugging. "It's a reminder." It was Riku's turn to blink. "Loosely translated, it reminds me to accept myself for who I am."
Riku frowned, finding that it pretty much contradicted his PRIDE tattoo. Though he didn't say that out loud, Evann continued to explain the meaning.
"I used to be different too, when I was younger." He sighed and smoked his cigarette down to the filter before snubbing it out on the low railing. "I was sixteen when I was sexually assaulted. I was jumped in an alley. Beaten up, held down...raped." He scowled as the word left his mouth and Riku couldn't help but flinch in disgust. "I wouldn't leave the house for weeks afterward, except to go to school. And those panic attacks Sora has? I used to have one every day."
Riku blinked, feeling a little sick, and at the same time like he was learning something very important about him. In fact, it was really the only thing he's ever learned about him.
"But I know I only got hurt because I intentionally put myself in bad situations. And there was a whole lot I didn't like about myself at that time..." Evann reached a hand back and fingered the edges of his tattoo. "This reminds me that I'm not worthless. No matter how many times I feel like it's the truth, I know that I didn't deserve it." He smiled a little to himself, still touching the words. "That's what it means."
"That's terrible, what happened to you." Riku muttered, watching the lazy sway of the grass under the light breeze blowing across it.
"Mm, yeah." He shrugged. "I don't really think about it anymore."
"What happened between me and Sora back then," Riku began, not really sure why he felt the need to tell him the reason—no, the truth—about why Sora left him, but he had to. Maybe because despite all the sharing, Riku still felt like Evann was somewhat wary of him, especially around Sora because he had already labeled him as the same type of person as his own attacker from the past. "It was an accident. I didn't mean to...hurt him. I...I didn't know what I was doing."
"I know. Sora told me." Evann explained, making Riku wonder just how much Sora had defended him to his husband on a daily basis. He cocked his head to the side and regarded Riku critically. "I didn't believe it at first, but he said he trusts you, so I guess that must mean something."
Evann shrugged again and smiled, stretching a little so all of his visible tattoos bent and pulled out of shape for a brief second.
"I guess." Trust. Sora said something about trust a while back, when they were still discussing the terms of their relationship. Trust. Trust was good.
Trust was very good.
"Good night, Riku." Evann said, pushing open the back door and slipping back inside.
Riku followed a few seconds later, smiling to himself as he shuffled quickly back over to the bed, the floor still mercilessly cold beneath his feet and got back under the warm blankets.
"'Sup?" Tidus muttered and for a minute, Riku thought he was just talking in his sleep, but his eyes opened, blearily, and Riku couldn't think of much to say, so he kind of just looked back. "Go to sleep, dumbass." He grumbled, rolling over.
"Yeah, yeah..." Riku yawned, pulling the blankets up to his chin and thinking of some pretty nice dreams he could have of Sora before actually drifting off.
–
Sora was playing a dangerous game.
And early Thanksgiving morning, Riku was doing his best to avoid get sucked in, no matter how tempting it was. The series of heated looks from across the room and seemingly accidental touches, the light brushes of his fingers over Riku's shoulder was enough to long for some serious alone time in Sora's old room just like old times. It was inappropriate, really, not to mention sadistically pleasing to Riku's ego.
So that was what Riku was doing, sitting at the dining room table, slowly peeling red potatoes over a sheet of newspaper though he was much too drowsy and half-asleep to be safely wielding the small paring knife in his hand. Every time he looked up, Sora was doing the same, heavy dark lashes framing the eyes staring back at him, making them a more impossible blue than before. Riku shifted in his seat and stared down at the old newspaper, and read about inter-island transportation and water purification systems.
"What about Sora?" Kairi asked, lightly cradling Charlot's head against her pregnant stomach, her other lying on, cupping the top. The girl giggled, speaking to the baby inside in short happy sentences about all the things 2-year-olds found significant about the world.
"Sora!" The girl cheered, hugging her mother's belly.
Sora looked up from the freshly washed broccoli florets he had been dicing, blinking with a mixture of surprise and intrigue. "Why me?"
Kairi shrugged, rubbing her daughter's similarly colored hair. She smiled. "It's a nice name for a boy."
"Ah!" Tammy cooed from over by the stove, in the process of preparing a very heavyset turkey. "Oh, you're having a boy?" Think she'd be sick of boys by now, but she seemed strangely pleased with the idea of another one, clasping her hands together pleasantly.
"Mm-hmm," Kairi hummed sagely, with a parental maturity that Riku and Sora would probably never obtain themselves. "Three months to go."
"Boys are nothing but trouble, Kai." Riku told her, peeling a little too much off his last potato, tossing it into the pot to be boiled anyway. She scrunched her nose at him, flicking a rogue peel that had made its way off the newspaper back across the table. "They're messy and disgusting."
"They belch and make all kinds of disturbing noises." Sora joined in the teasing with a light smirk in Riku's direction, one of amused understanding. Reminded of the teenage girl they used to team up to mess with on a daily basis.
"And they don't clean their rooms."
"Leave the toilet seat up."
"They're loud."
"Destructive."
"Terrible."
Kairi frowned, lightly touching her stomach, a little crease of worry forming between her eyes. Riku would've felt bad if Sora wasn't stifling giggles at his chopped vegetables.
"Oh, stop it." Tammy scolded the both of them, shaking her hair out of her eyes with a gentle smile. "They're just teasing you, dear. Little boys aren't that bad."
"Yeah, little boys." Riku snorted, peeling another potato with more skill this time as started to wake up a little more. "Just wait 'til puberty."
"Kairi's a strong girl." Sora's mom declared, offering her a comforting smile, and her son a strictly no-nonsense look, complete with the eyebrows and the pursed lips, and the 'Cut it out' frown. Riku couldn't help but notice he stopped laughing. Almost immediately. "She can handle it."
"Yeah, you're a great mom, Kai." Sora agreed, probably from the inclination of his own mother's stare. She had a penchant for taming Sora's lesser known mischievous nature, just as Riku had a penchant for exacerbating it.
"The only real problem I had with Sora was when he was only about one or two," Tammy explained conversationally, double-checking her son's dicing skills. "And he went through this phase where he just wanted to keep his hand in his pants all the time--"
"Mom!" Sora nearly squeaked, mortified. She only smiled cheekily, ignoring him.
"You were only a baby, Sora, I'm sure you didn't know what you were doing." She tutted, and Riku almost ducked under the table so she wouldn't see him laughing. Mothers had some kind of build-in instinct for embarrassing their children, and noting Sora's humiliated sulk, he was pretty sure that wasn't something he wanted for himself. "I just don't understand why you were so fascinated with it, that's all."
If Sora sulked any farther, he would have been a puddle on the floor.
"We'll just have to concede to the fact that men will always be infatuated with their own genitalia and there's nothing we, as women, can do about it." She told Kairi, very matter-of-fact, ignoring the pleading look her only son was sending to the side of her head. Kairi giggled at his expense.
"Okay, mom."
"What? Am I wrong?"
Sora blinked, exchanged a quick glance with Riku, the only other male in the room, both of them coming to same, however flustering, conclusion. "Well, no, but--"
"Okay, then."
The long stretch of silence afterward was only bearable for the fact that Kairi was silently laughing to herself, patiently minding the young girl attaching herself to her leg. Riku peeled his potatoes. Sora sulked.
"You can't name him Sora though." Riku insisted, trying to ease back into the conversation they were having prior to all the embarrassment. Sora continued to sulk. "That would be kind of confusing."
"What about Roxas?" The quiet suggestion surprised both Riku and Kairi, they shared a look of equal understanding. Riku raised his eyebrows in a bemused arch, trying to catch his eyes but he wasn't looking at either of them.
"Isn't that...?" Kairi began hesitantly, frowning because she couldn't tell how serious he was being. They had never talked about that, ever since they got home. No one had thought to mention it and Sora was so quiet about everything involving the blond-haired boy named Roxas, the one who never existed. It just didn't seem right. "kind of a weird name?" She finished, blinking.
"Yeah," Sora shrugged. "Yeah, guess it is." He chopped his broccoli a little finer than necessary, scooping it up on the flat of the blade and dumping it in the bowl at his elbow. Riku felt the urge to ask him what was wrong, but he didn't want his mother to get all concerned over something that could really be nothing more than a stray thought. He'd have to wait until later to get him alone.
"Felix. That was Sora's father's name." Tammy nodded, rubbing her hands on her apron. "It's a good, strong name."
"Felix." Kairi repeated, lightly touching her stomach. "What do you think, Char?"
"Felix!" The girl hugged her mother's belly like before.
Sora just smiled lightly, scraping the makings of a broccoli casserole into a thick glass dish. Riku peeled his last potato, thinking of the best way to cheer him up. For one, getting him out the kitchen was probably a step in the right direction.
–
So, the plan was to make up an excuse about watching the blitz ball game on the TV with the others and instead, sneaking off somewhere private with Sora, get in some more make-out time, perhaps a little more depending on how private the location was. He figured they wouldn't have a lot of time, but 15 minutes at the most would be enough to nearly sate the sparkling hot urges Riku had been harboring for the last four days or so. The plan was to get Sora, take him to a fairly deserted location and practice breathing through his nose for 15 minutes straight, then get him back as quickly as possible before anyone really noticed.
At least, that WAS the plan, and it was still in effect until the blond woke up and Sora suggested they take a walk together, which threw Riku off altogether. He tried not to seem too dejected as the married couple left the house, knowing he couldn't say anything and slightly pissed at himself for jumping the gun.
Of course, Sora had to play faithful husband here, in his mother's home. That didn't mean it was fair though. Suddenly Tidus' words from the night before were making a hell of a lot more sense.
So humiliated, (in his own mind, anyway) Riku resigned himself to actually watching the game on TV, taking his seat next to Tidus, almost as if someone had reserved it for him. There might as well have been a sign with the word 'jerk' hanging over his head.
"Sup, Riku." Quint greeted cheerily as he sunk into the couch, dark eyes blinking at the screen once an enraged outburst was made by Tidus, Wakka snickering and whooping from the other couch. Tidus nearly hissed at him, lip drawn up in a sneer. It was clear they were rooting for opposite teams, something that, under a normal situation, would've made Riku laugh to see them getting so serious about something so trivial, but he just couldn't find the incentive to.
Riku watched the television with waning interest, wondering what Sora was talking to Evann about, but he quickly banished those thoughts because they were much too stressful. It brought up the questions of commitment and rejection again.
"Hey, that's your school, isn't it, Tidus?" Riku said without thinking, recognizing the symbol on their uniforms as something he had seen on his university jacket one time.
Tidus blew out a low sigh through his teeth. "Don't remind me."
"Relax, Tidus." Selphie smiled, sitting strangely close to Wakka's side, his arm draped over the back of the couch but close enough that it looked more than just friendly. When did that happen? Riku vaguely remembered hearing them talking the night before in the basement but he had been too busy trying to sleep that he didn't really wonder why Selphie was down there in the first place. "It's a holiday. It's supposed to be fun."
"Hey, blitz ain't for fun, ya hear me? It's victory. Vic-tor-y."
"Team captain." Wakka murmured in explanation, gesturing towards the television with his head. That made sense, at least.
–
Somewhere during the time between the end of the first quarter and halftime, an impromptu game of soccer broke out on the front lawn, mostly to curb Tidus' anxiety over his blitz team's lousy performance, also just to get out of the house for a while. The grass was still wet from the rain the night before but it was pleasantly cool outside, just enough of a breeze to be comfortable and not muggy.
Riku played half-heartedly, wondering about Sora the whole time. At some point though, he discovered that some of his old battle tactics, while rusty from the actual lack of battle, were also effective in giving his team—Tidus and himself—a lead on the imaginary scoreboard. Not that anyone was keeping score any way.
Riku called a time-out as Sora and Evann returned from their walk, Sora's hands buried in the light jacket he was wearing. His eyes briefly scanned the lawn and the people on it before they returned to the sidewalk. They both seemed oddly tense and the uncomfortable amount of space between them was more appropriate for strangers than a married couple.
Something wasn't right.
Evann walked a few steps slower than Sora, his mouth set in a firm line as they turned up the walkway to the front door and Sora stopped two or three feet from Riku as he asked if something was wrong. He couldn't help but notice that—maybe because he was talking to Riku—Evann suddenly wanted to stand real close to Sora, wrapping an arm lightly around his waist.
"Nope. Everything is great." Sora smiled, maybe a little strained, but otherwise almost convincing. He then shrugged and continued up the walk to the house, Evann trailing close behind.
"Hey, you sleeping?" Tidus nudged him from the side as Riku watched the two disappear inside, wondering what Sora couldn't tell him in front of his husband. "C'mon, man. Break's over."
Riku blinked, slowly registering his words and vaguely recognizing the odd purplish ball they had found in the garage in front of feet on the lawn.
"Yeah...sorry."
–
Around dinnertime, the blitz ball game on TV was tied, and Tidus, at least, was looking a little brighter.
Everyone was ushered promptly into the dining room, the television snapped off to avoid distraction. Riku found a spot in between Wakka and Kairi, across from Tidus and a few seats farther away from Sora than he would've liked. Though the dining room was rather small, it made everyone feel that much closer, which made Riku wonder if that had been the purpose of the little eating area.
But it wasn't uncomfortable. In fact, it was kind of...nice, being together with everyone again. It made him regret all the Thanksgivings he had missed over the years. Usually, he just spent that particular day alone, having no family of any kind to speak of. His mom had been his last and only tie to his surname, beyond that...well, it wasn't worth speaking of.
Dinner was all he had remembered it to be, consisting of the typical menu items of Thanksgiving, with a few things added here and there—Sora's mom was always experimenting. Sometime between the quiet prayer beforehand and when the actual eating began, Riku took the time to think of what he was grateful for. It was quite a long list, but Riku thought about it for a minute, silently to himself, and decided that he was probably most thankful for a second chance.
At everything. Life, and family. Love.
Love, especially.
At that thought, Riku chanced a quick glance across the table in Sora's direction, not really sure how he expected him to look. Sora was an expert at hiding emotions, Riku observed just from recent past experience. Riku expected him to be smiling, playing happy for everyone else. It was what he was good at, after all.
But when Riku found the opportunity to look at him fully, when he was sure no one would notice, Sora was eyeing his plate, looking very much like he was going to puke any second. Riku was sure that if he could just glimpse into his mind for a second, he would probably look the same way, himself.
The face he was making worried Riku, almost to the point of asking what was wrong, like a normal human being would, if they hadn't had the faintest clue about his situation. He must've been staring too long though, earning him a light, discreet flick on the arm from Kairi at his side, and a less-than-gentle kick to the shin from Tidus across the table, nearly at the same time. Tidus raised a golden eyebrow and Kairi tutted quietly under her breath, each giving their own varying versions of disapproval.
Right. He couldn't risk toppling the already shaky lie that seemed to be getting spread thinner and thinner the longer it had to be drawn out. He owed Sora that much.
So Riku kept his eyes to his own food and endured long bouts of conversation, mostly embarrassing or warm and reminiscent. Sora joined in a few times, in which then Riku could devote his full attention to him, which he did so lovingly, affectionately. More than once, longingly.
He had done this on several occasions, stared long and hard as if his gaze could somehow physically manifest itself into warm, happy entities that would lightly touch Sora and reassure him that he was still here for him and that he didn't have to look like he was spiraling slowly out of control. So that he didn't have to look like there was a small typhoon raging in his brain as well, complete with heavy winds and freezing rain. Sora's voice wavered just slightly while he was talking, and Riku found it very hard to turn his attention away once he had finished, and the conversation had turned itself over to Wakka, who made some kind of comment about the temple he was working at somewhere in the Eastern Isles. He blinked and stared, and wondered if he didn't just imagine it because no one else seemed to notice.
Something really wasn't right.
Sora looked up while the other's talked, kind of frozen as his eyes found Riku's, briefly. He bit his lip and frowned, the blue of his eyes holding something small and desperate that was slowly and gradually escaping. Riku was in the middle of attempting to figure it out when his own gaze shifted slightly to the left, following the movement of a glass lifting to mouth, and the sharpness of the glare he was met with was more than a little unsettling.
The feeling was oddly close to a large stone forming in his stomach, rapidly and painfully, a wave of nauseous rolling through his body afterward. The look was cold, like pure, uninhibited hate forced all over him and for a second, the thought, "Does he know?" spoke in stage-whisper from the back of his mind, the stone in his stomach growing just a little.
Both Sora and Evann then smiled abruptly in tandem, the glare from the latter breaking enough that Riku could exhale the stale air in his lungs that he wasn't totally aware of holding, each of them saying that they were fine, though Sora confessed that he wasn't really feeling well.
"It's nothing. Just a headache." Sora insisted after his mom suggested that he go lie down, waving a dismissing hand over his plate of food that he barely touched.
"Do you want some aspirin, babe?" Evann offered, already rising from his chair before he answered. Riku felt his eyes narrow almost unconsciously, watching the blond man with something like controlled aggression. Sora thanked him with a small smile as Tammy pointed out that it was in the cabinet over the stove.
Sora blinked and looked back down at his plate, pushing turkey and vegetables around with his fork and looking considerably worse than he did before. It was like something inside breaking, and it was all he could do to keep from yelling out whatever was on his mind. Like it was literally killing him.
What the hell did they talk about on that walk anyway?
Evann returned to the dining room, aspirin curled in his right hand, holding it out to drop it into Sora's. He sat and passed off the pills, lightly brushing a lock of his hair aside as it hung over his nose. The next moments passed slowly, without anyone else notice besides Riku's, Sora tilting his head back and dropping the little capsules in his mouth, a long swallow and an even longer drink of water. He sighed and set his glass down and from some reason Riku felt like he should be protesting, but he hadn't figured out why yet.
Maybe he could feel the low thrum of tension rolling off Sora like angry waves of the ocean. Maybe he had seen it coming long before Sora started talking again afterwards, cutting someone off mid-conversation. Maybe Riku had been so in-tune with Sora that he could physically feel the terror and screaming desperation coming off him like actual bolts of electricity. And Riku really felt like he should've stopped it before it happened, because he was probably the only person who could have, at that moment.
Sora opened his mouth. Another sigh, and then—
"I've been sleeping with Riku."
It wasn't so much the words that he said, but the even way he said it that brought time to a disbelieving standstill. Tidus clapped a hand over his mouth the way one would to stifle sudden outrageous laughter and Kairi smacked the shit out of Riku's arm as if he had said it himself.
Oh hell.
But it was hardly important how everyone else was reacting, how Wakka was gaping like he suddenly gone brain dead and the shocked but still very disappointed and silent sadness from Sora's mother. It was the look on his face that mattered. And it was that look that Riku now realized that it was this moment his mind was trying to tell him to stop from happening.
Oh, Hell.
Oh, fuck.
"What?" Evann asked, regaining the ability to speak. It was a timid word, spoken very softly at first. His face looked more confused than anything, confused and scared like he was hoping he heard it wrong. Riku was secretly wishing the same thing. Maybe they had all heard it wrong. "Sora."
There was a quick movement where his eyes flickered to Riku, not out of hate but the need for confirmation, then back to Sora. "No..." He breathed and Riku nearly bolted from the table. Either that, or sink down in his chair so low that no one could see him. Then he could sink into the foundation and hide there for the rest of his life.
"My baby." Tammy muttered vaguely from the side. Disappointment the main emotion in her voice, and remorse, the counterpart to disappointment.
"Get up." The sudden hard edge to Evann's tone was intimidating and disorienting, that words so venomous could come from a man like him. There was a flurry of movement in which Sora just stared and said nothing and Evann grabbed his arm and all but tore him from his seat and into the hallway, knocking the poor old dining chair over in the process.
Riku felt his body standing before he could stop it, anger bubbling up in his chest. "Hey--"
"Sit down, Riku." Sora's mom interjected, commanding and firm in a way that only mothers knew how to do, giving him the strictly no-nonsense look, complete with the eyebrows and the pursed lips, and the 'Cut it out' frown. "They can handle this." He liked the fact that she didn't blame him. It was a small, very, very small comfort to one hell of a disaster of a situation.
When the low buzz of heated accusations from the hallway had escalated to full blown yelling, Kairi took Charlot in her arms and left, tears streaking down through her fingers, Quint in tow behind her, muttering a quick apology to Tammy.
"What does that mean—Like, still?" Evann hissed, unseen on the other side of the wall, somewhere in the hallway. "You told me once, Sora. Once!" Imagined him to be all tensed and angry, fists curled and teeth bared. Gray-blue eyes flashing.
Riku sunk down in his chair, hoping for a painless and sudden death when he noticed out of the corner of his eye Selphie staring at him from across the table, eyes a little wide but overall, pitying. Almost sympathetic. Sad. He had never liked Selphie much, but at the moment she was the only one not looking at him like he was shit so Riku guessed that counted for something.
Selphie folded her hands over her napkin, attempting to offer him a tiny, sorrowful smile but it kind of fizzled away, along with any reassurance it might have brought him.
"No, don't you do this right now, Sora." Evann's voice continued like some ongoing soundtrack to a movie no one was watching, a brief choked noise from Sora that sounded like a mix between a cough and a sob. "Sor—Fuck. You want him so damn bad. Fuck it, you can have him. 'Cause I can't deal with this anymore."
"Ev..." A gasp, fast and painful. "Van...p-please..." A few more deeper sounding breaths. "Wait..."
"'Wait.' I can't make you happy, Sora. What's the fucking point?"
Riku vaguely recognized Sora's panicked breathing, the hard, asthmatic sound of it, and rose from his chair, uninhibited by any frowns or looks. He shuffled forward until he was just barely in the doorway to the hall, recognizing Sora slumped against the wall, chest pumping too-fast, trying to force himself to calm down enough to speak.
Evann's eyes caught Riku's long enough to express the depth of his hate before he sneered, breaking off whatever other words he wanted to say and turned his back on them both. Riku nearly called out to stop him, for some unknown reason that he, at the time, had no idea how to identify.
But Riku had enough sense to let him go, watching the front door slam behind him, only faintly hearing the car start outside. He had to be as mortified as Riku, only about 100 times worse, because Sora was playing him, for 6 fucking months. It was so fucked up, Riku couldn't help but hate Sora, just a little bit as he kneeled at Sora's side, contemplating the look of absolute shock on his face.
Because of all the ways he could've handled telling him the truth, this was just about the worst possible choice.
–
White hot shame was a shower burning down his back and face as Riku tried to remember how the receptionist got him to calm down during one of his attacks. He could feel stares at the back of his head, scandalized stares of pity and wonder and disbelief. It would certainly be a memorable Thanksgiving, if nothing else.
Lightly fanning him with a folded up sheet of newspaper he found discarded in the kitchen from that morning, Riku told him it would be okay and to breathe and all of that. He kept himself from touching him too much and wondered if it was actually helping or not because Sora didn't seem to be listening to him, instead curling his arms around his knees and shuddering violently.
Sora didn't actually start crying until a good ten minutes after Evann had already left.
Riku lowered his head to the trembling little thing that was Sora only minutes before, pressing his nose and mouth into his hair. "Sora..." He breathed, letting the silence offer more comfort that he could with any words he could think up. Sora muffled a scream in his shirt, his fingers clutching tightly and painfully into his wrist.
"What did I do?" Sora breathed with more difficulty to keep himself from outright sobbing.
Riku wrapped both arms around him, more aware that the others could see and hear him crying. Sora, who was supposed to be so strong and fearless. The mess he had been reduced to wasn't something his friends needed to see. Riku owed him that much to protect what little reputation he had left.
"You made a choice." Riku told him calmly, shielding him a little more with his body. He needed to move him up to his room where he could hide and break down in private, away from people and their judgmental stares.
Away from everyone and everything.
–
After a few long moments of gentle coaxing, Riku managed to get Sora to his feet, up the stairs and carefully laid onto his bed where he curled up on his side and allowed himself to shatter completely because it was he needed to do, and Riku was going to let him. And then when he was done, Riku would put him back together again because it was what best friends/lovers were for.
Sora's bedroom was the third room on the second floor. Looking at the layout of the house, it was pretty obvious just by its sheer size that it was originally intended to accommodate more than just a single boy and his parents. There was enough room for two, maybe three kids at the least. It said a lot about Sora's mom in Riku's mind. She wanted more children, but Sora's dad must've passed before they got the chance.
Sora must've just been smothered in affection his whole childhood.
Riku felt just a bit guilty about taking him from his mother's home at seventeen. Thinking back, that probably wasn't the best idea. But anything was better than that empty house. Where memories of Riku's recently deceased mother were still lingering all over, and Riku was terrified of being left alone.
Sora sighed a long, shaky breath, curling his legs up toward his chest. He tightly pressed his clenched fist to his mouth, eyes wet and sparkling still with the tears clinging stubbornly to his eyelashes. Riku wasn't sure if he had ever seen him look so vulnerable before, so ripped open and torn apart. Sora gasped, hard, unable to quite catch enough breath to even cry anymore, like when he had been on the floor, mid-attack and sobbing with the ferocity of a million different emotions all twisted around each other.
Relief, sorrow, regret, anger, desperation.
There wasn't much, if anything, Riku could do without touching him. He had literally nothing to say, and didn't want to seem like an incredible jerk by saying how glad he was that it over between him and Evann and he could finally have him to himself. It was a terrible thing to even think about. It made Riku feel very nervous, for once, because it didn't really feel like he had gained anything at all.
But, Sora responded to touch, to embracing, hugging, hand-holding, light kisses. Riku knew from years of reliable experience that the way to pull Sora from his own grieving, his own sorrow, was by touch. Simple, thoughtful and comforting touch. He lightly shifted on the old mattress, careful not to disturb Sora too much as he spooned behind him, knees tucked behind Sora's legs, as if conforming his own body to fit him.
Riku touched the tight curves of his folded arms, the slight dip of his slender torso, the bumps of his ribs where Riku imagined the little orange star tattoo to be. His sobs vibrated through his back and into Riku's chest. His heart was bursting with kinetic energy, but it was a quiet lost sound, too low to be heard easily. Riku held him in his arms and listened to him cry and plead softly with no one and apologize in low hisses under his breath.
And when the drama faded and the moment moved on and all that was left were wet sounding sniffles, Riku let him turn over, so they could face each other, watching the wrinkles in the bridge of his nose when he sniffed. Watching the back of his eyelids that hid his eyes, vaguely aware that something had drastically changed between them. Something that he couldn't quite put a label on. But Sora felt a little bit closer, despite the circumstances and the knowledge that he basically destroyed a marriage.
Low talking could still be heard from the dining room downstairs, but Riku's mind was more preoccupied with Sora, still shivering, eyes closed, his tiny diamond earring more of a dull rock in the dim lighting. The silver and gold bands of his now meaningless wedding ring just pieces of expensive metal.
His mouth was oddly dry when he tried to talk, his voice little more than a strange crackle. Riku swallowed, leaned a fraction forward until their foreheads touched, a kind of faint placidity passed between them for a moment, transferring from skin to skin. Sora sniffled and whimpered, turning his face a little into the mattress as Riku's voice crackled a few quiet words to him.
"I love you. So much." Riku didn't mind that Sora didn't say anything back; he was tired and confused, and probably still struggling to understand what just happened. Riku had known the feeling himself several times before, the feeling of being torn in half, like something being ripped from your heart so fast that it didn't even really begin to hurt until after it was already over. But even knowing how situations like this felt, he couldn't even begin to imagine how hard this was for Sora.
Wedging his hand between Sora's face and the mattress, Riku tilted his head up and pressed their lips together briefly and tenderly to accentuate the sincerity of his words, his eyes met with water-logged blue and a look of quiet desperation and mourning for the sudden loss of something Riku was sure Sora felt very happy about at one point.
"Riku. I—I'm—" Sora managed sounds and syllables, but the words he wanted to say—whatever they were—were broken off before he could fully annunciate them, a wet sob escaping his throat in their place.
"You're tired." Riku shushed him, enveloping him in his arms once more. He was only vaguely aware that he wasn't entirely sure how to tell him that it would be okay. That whatever he was feeling now wouldn't last forever. "Go to sleep."
It would pass.
"Wait, don't—Stay with me."
But he didn't have to bear it alone.
"I'll be right here."
Because that was all Riku could do. Be there.
–
I hate to admit it, but I'm a little conflicted with how the story is going to end. On one hand, this could be a tragic romance story where neither get what really want and on the other, maybe if you squint a little, it could be a triumph against all odds kind of love story. I'm not really sure what to do. :( I had a definite idea at one point but due to recent circumstances, I'm not so sure anymore.
Riku is very close to Tidus, isn't he? I'm trying to figure out when exactly that happened (Somewhere in chapter 8 I'm sure)They were supposed to have a close friendship after they slept together, but sometimes I just stop and look at what I wrote like, "Oh, shit. Am I writing a Riku/Tidus story?" O_O; Urgh, I hate when the story takes a mind of it's own. I'm getting bitch-slapped by ideas left and right.
Also, it should be noted that shit has to blow up a lot more before things start to calm down between our favorite couple. Deep psychological problems are fun. ^ - ^ - bouncy