Hey hey everyone! I'm back with another installment of the little story that is this… Story. This is from Finn's POV, of course. I have to admit, I don't think I did such a good job with him. I mean, his thoughts are so simple and I had to use the words 'sometimes' and 'like' a lot for him. Quinn's chapter should be up tomorrow. It'll be… Difficult to write. I'll do my best, though. Enjoy! :]
I'm trying.
I'm confused.
I'm trying.
I don't understand.
I'm trying.
I love you.
I'm trying.
I need you.
I'm trying.
It's going to be okay. I promise. I'm here. I'm going to protect you. I mean… I'm going to do the very best I can. I know that's not much, I know it might not be quite enough, but I'm going to try. I love you. I always have. Don't you know that by now? I've stuck with you and I'm planning to see you through this. I'm sharing my house with you. You're my girlfriend. I love you.
I'm trying.
I may not know much, but I know that love is the best thing to feel right now. So when I see you walk up to be with that heartbreaking smile, I know I can't resist you. "Let's be in love again." It's a simple request and even though I don't say anything, you know what I'm thinking. I never stopped. You're at the top of my list. We're Quinn and Finn. Our names rhyme and we are… Were the power couple of the school. It goes deeper than that now. You're carrying my baby and I love her already. I know you're planning to put her up for adoption, but I love her. I sang to that picture on my computer of her.
I'm trying!
I know I'm not the smartest guy. You've pointed that out to me a lot of times. You constantly make fun of my struggle to say more than five syllable words. I'm a jock, what do you expect? I'll admit it; sometimes I get really fed up with it. I mean, I'm doing the best I can here! What else do you want from me? We're still together, though. Yeah, sometimes I wish none of this had happened. On a bad day, I even wished I never met you. But at the end of the day, you're my girlfriend, you're carrying my baby and I love you both.
I'm trying.
I'm still not as stupid as everyone thinks. I see stuff. I notice stuff, I really do. I notice stuff that you probably would smack me over the head for seeing. I see the way Rachel looks at me. I don't pretend not to. She's made her feelings very, uh, clear. She seems to think I've been feeling the same and I don't know how to tell her to back off a little bit. I'm not good with words. You of all people know that. After all, I was the one who sung you to disownment. Of course, the singing was Kurt's idea. Kurt… He's the other thing I notice. He's gayer than a rainbow pantsuit, which I know he'd never be caught dead in. I mean, he makes it kind of obvious that he likes me. He made it quite clear when his ballad to sing to me was "I Honestly Love You". I've never heard that song before. I'm kind of glad he never got to sing it. I wouldn't have known what to do afterward…
I'm confused.
You worry about me. I can see it when I admit that I went to Rachel's house. I'm glad you believed me when I said that nothing happened. I'm glad you can trust me. "I love you." I'm hugging you now, tight enough to make you feel like I'm never going to let go but gentle so that I don't hurt the baby. I want you to know I love you. I don't want you to know that I'm confused. I love you, but as Rachel has so bluntly put it, I have feelings for her, too. I almost feel bad because I'm sure she knows that she'll always be second to you. Rachel confuses me. Kurt confuses me. You confuse me. My own best friend, Puck, confuses me.
I don't understand.
Just a while ago, he basically jumped me. I don't really remember what we were fighting about. Probably something about football… He ended up punching me in the jaw and I was hurt. I mean, of course I was hurt… But I mean… Not just my face was hurting. I was like, emotionally hurting. I didn't understand why my own best friend would do that to me. My life has been flipping upside down and back again and I'm only just starting to get a grip on it. Now I feel like it's going out of control again. Especially since Rachel started to change for me. I don't know what triggered… That… Maybe I just really don't want to know. I'm feeling confused again so I just hold on tighter to you as you whisper back to me. "I love you too."
I love you.
You sound like you're about to cry. I don't know why, but I know I don't want you to so I'm now focused on getting the hell out of there. I smile at you encouragingly. You find that "endearing". Or whatever. It works, because you smile back at me. I just want us to be okay. I'm not saying I'm scared 'cause I'm not. I'm just worried. I've never had much of a future, really. It worries me to think about this future, the future coming up in a few months when you have the baby. I don't know what I want to happen. I already love the kid. I'm not sure if that's okay or not. I won't talk to you about it, 'cause I know you hate it when I try to talk about the baby. I still haven't figured out why you hate it, though.
I need you.
You can't do this without me. You've told me that. You said that the night I asked my mom to let you live with us. You were sobbing and I wanted to go over to your house and punch your dad. Then I wanted to go over to Kurt's and punch him for suggesting something like that. What was I going to do after that? I don't know. Punch a wall or something. Sure, you need me. I need you, too. Without you, I think my world would be even more confusing than it already is. You're always here to patiently explain something to me (if you're having a good day and not being, you know, all hormonal or something).
You're confused.
Like I said before, I'm not completely dumb. I notice things. I noticed that you were pushing me away this week. I guess you just needed a bit of time away from me. You were talking to Puck more than me and I couldn't help but wonder why. I thought about following you but I'm so tall and awkward wherever I am (yet another thing you continue to point out) that I'm sure you would notice me. So I waited and got distracted by Rachel Berry instead. You've told me to stay away from her. I have, for the most part. You were confused this week. I'm glad you came back, though. I really am glad. Really.
You don't understand.
You and I both think life is unfair right now, for different reasons. You've been kicked out of your own home. You've got a little person growing inside of your belly. I think life is unfair because I'm stuck in this position. I'm just a kid! I want to play football, not baby-sit. I want to sing, not to change diapers. I shudder at the thought and you grip my waist tighter, as if you can read my thoughts. I bet you can. My thoughts aren't hard to guess. I've told you again and again that I'll be there for you. I will, I swear I will. I just don't see how it's fair that we're stuck like this. You yell at me every single day and then yell some more when you find out I've gone to Rachel or someone else for some comfort. Our lives are not perfect right now. We both know that. We're both suffering. You don't understand why. I don't understand why. We're clueless.
Do you love me?
You said you did, yeah. Do you really? Or am I just convenient enough for you to lean on? I know it sounds bad and I know I shouldn't be thinking this but I have to wonder if you actually want me around or if you just need somewhere to sleep and money. You yell at me. You say that I'm an idiot. You call me demeaning things when you know I'm only trying to help… It hurts a lot. You blame it on the pregnancy. I'm just confused. As we walk out of the school, I notice three pairs of eyes on our backs. I don't feel like turning around to see who is staring.
You need me.
I know you need me and I know I'm more than willing to be there for you, no matter how stupid that is. Without me, you'd be homeless and struggling with the doctor bills and everything. You seem happy with me, like right now as we're lying on my bed. We're not talking, just lying there. Your head is on my chest and I can feel the wetness beginning to soak into my shirt. You're crying. I don't know why you're crying, but you are. I gather my arms around you, tighter than before and the dam breaks. "I love you." I hear you say with more strength than last time. I don't know why you're saying it again. I don't understand.
I'm confused.
"I love you too. I'm here," I'm trying to get you to calm down. "Is there something wrong with the baby?" I don't know why, but I panic. What if something is wrong? My daughter… Is she okay? My heart rate is speeding up and I find myself thinking that I will lose it if something is wrong. You look up at me, though, and I can see a little smile on your face and it calms me down a little bit. It still doesn't explain why you're crying.
You need me.
You're reaching for my hand and when you take it, you drag it down to your stomach. I don't talk. I know you don't want me to. Instead, I keep my hand there, pressed gently on the small bulge. That's where my daughter is. I don't even realize it, but I'm starting to cry too, which is really unmanly. You're wiping my tears away, though, and as you do, we both feel a little kick from your belly. You smile a little wider and I know my eyes are as big as dishes. Not the small dishes, the huge ones. Like, the ones that can hold a turkey and have room to spare. "That…" I can hardly speak. I don't know if this is a good feeling or a bad feeling. I think I'm smiling. I think you are too.
"That was our little Drizzle." I'm definitely smiling now and you hug onto me like I'm your lifeline. I am. I don't move my hand away; I don't really want to. I feel a few more movements and you're fast asleep on my now-tingling arm and even though it's like… Really bothering me, I'm not about to move because I don't want you to wake up.
It's gonna be okay.
For right now, we're a little family. There is no Rachel, no Kurt and definitely no Puck. I'm not as confused as I was before. You and Drizzle are my little family and we can make it through because I'm going to be the best person I can be for you. I hope you realize that. I hope you love me for it. All I've ever wanted was to be loved. Now that I think I've got it, I don't want to give it away. But I don't know any better. I don't know what love is… Do you?
We're gonna be okay.
"I wonder if we have any Sour Patch Kids…"