August 23, 2008
The dress still smelled like ashes as I pulled it out of the small closet in my makeshift bedroom. Laying it out on the bed, I smoothed out the wrinkles before taking a step back and looking at it. I realized that part of the reason it still smelled like ashes was because of the thick black strip that ran diagonal around the skirt, baked into the fabric by now. When my throat tightened I put the dress back into the closet and sat down cross-legged on the bed with my phone in my hands.
Julian had not called me since the day of the funeral, almost a week ago. Whenever I had tried to reach him I would get his voicemail, the voice I had once loved to hear now making my eyes fill with angry tears. The rest of my friends had stopped by my grandparents' house at least once since the fire to see how I was doing, but the one that mattered most had disappeared from my life.
"Tory?" Grandma called, interrupting my thoughts. "Tory, Carrie is here!"
"I'm in my room," I said loudly, putting my phone on the bedside table.
"Hey Tor," Carrie said quietly, peeking her head around the door before walking in and shutting it behind her. I raised my eyes to hers, feeling my throat tighten again.
"Oh, sweetie, come here," she said when the tears started to fall and I stood up so she could wrap her arms around me. "Sh, I know, I know, you just let it out," she murmured soothingly, allowing me to bury my face in her blond curls.
"I miss them so much," I whispered, trying to keep the sobs from shaking our bodies. "Why did He take them away?"
Though I was never very religious, I had always believed that the Big Guy had a bigger plan for all of us, and therefore that everything happened for a reason. That was, I believed everything happened for a reason until the fire.
"Come on, Tor, it will help you forget, just for a little while," Carrie persuaded, throwing some actual clothes at me. Holding them up lazily, I took one look in the mirror and shook my head. I had spent the past week in an old pair of my grandpa's sweats for two reasons, the first being that I had everything in the fire and the second being that the way I looked no longer seemed to matter. Now I sat on Carrie's bed as she rifled through her closet again, trying to find a fifth outfit choice, one that I would not shoot down like I had the past four.
"Yeah, Tory, you need to lose yourself for a night," Dana added, digging through Carrie's supply of makeup. She sighed every once in a while, clearly disappointed.
"Why," I asked flatly, falling back onto the bed.
"Because this is not helping you," Carrie said softly, bringing over a soft pink t-shirt and a pair of dark jeans. I shrugged and began pulling them on.
"Because moping around for the rest of your life won't-" Dana started.
"Dana don't say it," Carrie blurted quickly, but it was too late.
"-bring your family back."
My jaw dropped so low I was sure it hit the wood floor of Carrie's bedroom.
"God Dana, have a heart," Carrie said, shooting her a look.
"What?" she asked shrugging. "It's the truth."
I just looked at her, swallowing over the lump in my throat. Already I wanted to rip off Carrie's clothes and put my sweats back on. I wanted to be back on my grandparents' couch, watching an old war movie with my grandpa and trying to forget.
"Sweetie, look at me," Dana said, so quietly that Carrie couldn't hear, standing directly in front of me now and placing her hands on my shoulders. "I know it hurts, believe me I do, but you need to keep breathing and living and moving so you can get through this. When I lost my brothers in that car accident…I let myself get into a deep hole and I forgot all about living. I realize now that that was a big mistake. So I need you to trust me, okay?"
Carrie was shuffling around in the closet behind me, knowing that she was not meant to hear any of this.
"Tory? Do you trust me?" Dana asked softly, making me meet her gaze. I nodded and she gave me a hug.
"Now! How crazy can I go with your makeup?"
I heard Carrie groan behind me and in spite of myself, I almost smiled.
Anything you want to see? What are you thinking as you read? Favorite character? Talk to me. -zoomie