Chapter 3: Fuck My Life (Present Tense 2)
After staring the captain in the face, I placed the bottle less than gently back on the shelf on the fridge. I reached for the carton of orange juice that was literally hours from its expiration date when as soon as the pads of my fingers touched the glossy finish of the cardboard I heard the incisive laughter oft the antichrist behind me.
"Please tell me you're going to get a glass for that" Sam glanced in my direction with his general disgusted expression.
"Only if you promise to SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I said it like it was rehearsed. Then again, it might as well have been. I'd said it so many times that It seemed part of my daily routine, and yet as many times as I've said it, he never really obliges. If he does, it's only for a brief second until the ever so popular "Fuck You" is heard from what he thinks is under his breath.
Reluctantly I reached up to open the cabinet that holds the relic which would soon stop senor bitchy from another useless outburst. So I then broke my ritual and poured my pulp-filled carton of juice into a nice tall glass draining all the rest of the liquid from that container. After completely draining the carton, I nearly reflexively threw the empty cardboard at him in the hopes that this time it might actually make it there. The juice's container skimmed the top of his head as the chicken shit ducked out of the way.
"Don't you have a job to get to?" Sam didn't even have a job during the day, so he asking just set me off.
The nice tall glass of orange drink that I had just poured had visually become a baseball in my hand. I, however, was not one to waste any sort of food. I stood there for a moment longer just to invert the glass of juice down my throat. After thoroughly enjoying the beverage, I gave a nice sigh of satisfaction. Instantly, I turned and pivoted on my left foot and hurled the glass at his facial region. The refreshing beverage that was in my hand moments ago quickly turned to a deadly projectile as the tumbler soared through the air with unusual accuracy. Sam was lucky that his gaze was still fixated angrily on me, otherwise he would have been in the hospital and I would have a blood stained couch. Lucky for both of us then.
"Holy FUCK!" he screamed as he ducked out of the way a second time. I picked up my dirty tee of the ground, struggled to throw it over my head. The grimy reminants of last night's sesame chicken was slapped on the skeletal bird of the Lamb of God emblem that I proudly displayed.
"I'm going out" I mumbled as I grabbed my hooded sweatshirt and slid out the door.
"Don't come back" I heard in a small murmur as I kept walking down the hall. A chuckle escaped involuntarily as I waltzed to the elevator. It didn't sound like a bad Idea in truth, I think it would shut him right the fuck up.
I slapped the elevator down button and it flashed a white light telling me it was slowly on its way. I could hear the bustling streets below and was eager to get there myself. Today was my day off. And I intended to make the most of it. Impatient as I was, I was in no physical mood to take nine flights of stairs to the ground. I waited for too long, though, it seemed. Our landlady walks over to me, trying to bullshit me into thinking that she was also waiting for the elevator when I knew she was just trying to hassle the shit out of me to the point where the next word she said would be her last.
"Going down, Van?" she asked with that smug fucking grin. Her ass was ten times larger than her head, and her moustache hair was a long as her sideburns. She had no right to be happy.
"No, I just thought I'd stand here and push the fucking button for oh… about an hour and see if it makes me what to kill myself. Social experiment you see. What do you want?" I was less surprised to hear the actual reason.
"How many times have I told you not to light up in my building? I can kick you out you know." She retorted, her mustache twitching with every short pulse of air that had spilled from the disgusting trough she called a mouth.
"Too many to count on two hands, Mrs. Powell. My bad… won't happen again, you know al that shit! Look, is the elevator broken or something? Because nine flights of stairs doesn't seem that bad" I had heard this too many times to not be pissed off each and every time.
"Don't try my patience Mr. Walker, or you'll be on the streets. Smart ass. The elevator is fine. Just wait a little and it'll-"
"Fuck that! And stand here to listen to your shit? Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date." I tried to give her a snort as I walked past her to the stairs, bit it came out more like I had a giant booger slipping gracefully out of my nostril and I was making a last second attempt to inhale and keep the slime form touching the ground.
Pissed at myself for botching a perfectly good insult to her weight, I jerked open the door to the stairs as I got town the first half of the ninth flight, I could hear the loud ding of the elevator echo throughout the hall. I turned and took three steps back up the stairs, but I knew that elevator's tendencies a little too well to thing that I would be given any chance to make it to the top before those doors closed slowly on that disgusting grotesque face on that vile creature of a landlady.
Thoroughly aggravated now, I marched down the concrete stairs as each step created a clack and boom under the soles of my combat boots. Seemingly thousands of these passed by me ear before finally I came to the ground floor. The walk to the door seemed to take much longer than normal. The fear that the monstrous ogre would trudge out of the elevator dragging that lard ass behind her haunted me with every foot I trekked. That fear was hard to overcome normally. Except today, I had something much more powerful in mind that overruled the horrific images that quickly exited my brain upon thinking of. I had the opportunity to experience something that because of my schedule I had not been able to in quite some time. I was taking a girl out to dinner. I was about to embark on a journey that many a moon has passed since the last time this embargo had been taken.