Chapter 4: About a Girl
I usually fucking hate blind dates, but this time it was cool. She was paying, shich, ended up being a very good thing considering the cheapest thing on the menu was the filet mignon. Now that statement may not sound that bad, except that was forty five goddamn dollars. But I wasn't paying and therefore didn't give a shit. "J'Adore". That was the name of the place. "I Adore" is what it translated to. I adore what? Stabbing my pocket every time I even look at the menu? Wanting to chop my own leg off when the bill came? Not me, but once again, NOT PITCHING IN! It was a good thing that she was paying, because there wasn't even a nickel in my wallet.
Amy was her name, or Andy, or Teri… huh. Either way, she was supposed to be hot, and that my friend is all the people like me with a dirty mind and dry penis care about. Hot and easy are the first two requirements for a slump stunner. I didn't have to worry about the name anyway; all I had to do was wait for her to awkwardly introduce herself. I was almost to the green guzzling restaurant when I see this nice looking long stretch SUV limousine pull up in front of the place and I then witnessed one of the most life-changing experiences I've ever seen before. Ginger red hair and a body to kill, she walked out of the elongated vehicle and into the elaborate restaurant.
After her ride left, I had to recollect my thoughts and continue walking across the crosswalk. Yes, it was so amazing that I stopped in the middle of the street. Due to the flipping of the bird by an asshole in a cherry red Porsche and the gasping of families on either side of the intersection, I was guessing that the cherry red ball-polisher almost hit me. Probably too busy counting his money to notice there was someone of lower class in front of his so called chick magnet. Did I care at the time, not at all. I still had the image of that angel of wealth that had just graced me with her presence.
Not only did I stop in the middle of the street, I almost completely forgot that I had the chance to hook up with a magnificent chick in about…
"OH SHIT!!" The gaspers on the street turned to look at my sudden outburst of emotion. I don't think it took that redheaded girl fifteen minutes to exit the limo and enter the eatery. Well, there went getting laid tonight, but if I play my cards right, I think I can still get some tomorrow or possibly the next day. But as for now, I had to get to the door and now.
"I have a reservation here" I said to the maître d' huffing and puffing from the run over, which by the way was across the street. Don't worry I'm quitting next week… again. He looked at me like I must have been joking. "S'il vous plaît, garcon" I said very rudely snapping my fingers to demonstrate that yes, I was ignorant about the French culture and terminology, but I didn't give a fuck.
"Name?" He remarked clearly not happy with my actions. I gave him a strange look, that was not intended to be offensive, except to my short term memory. I had this peculiar look on my face because I could not remember the name she put on the reservation. "I need the name in which you placed a reservation, sir" he sneered without breaking his bad attitude.
"Look Pierre, I know that." I really could care less about his feelings, I needed to get laid and that was all there was to it, but this asshole was sub-consciously being the biggest cock block that I have ever met. In the midst of my brain wracking, I heard this faint tapping of heels on the brick red flooring tile that was getting louder and louder with every passing millisecond. I glanced up, still searching my brain for an answer and I saw something vaguely familiar. I saw the shimmer of the stilettos that I had just finished gazing at from afar. I finished my scan of her body, passing those legs that went on for miles and the breasts that would make any teenage boy's face flush with embarrassment and anticipation, and ending up on that hair and face that could, if it so desired, bring tears to every man within a fifty mile radius. That crimson hair that could not have had any more style if it were gay, was the eye-catcher, though. It still had a grip on my attention span from the moment I crossed the street.
Miraculously, I had a moment of clarity. I had remembered her name and, not to much surprise, it turned out to be nothing like what I had thought that it was. "Tia" I said without breaking my gaze on the star-cravingly beautiful woman in front of me within smelling distance. The maitre d' instantly recognized the name and searched his book for tonight. The woman, thinking I was talking to her, looked over at me with a puzzled expression. She did one or two glances back and forth checking to see if anyone else could've said it.
"I'm sorry, were you talking to me?" her voice was just simply amazing. There was no other way to describe it. She made my ears involuntarily lift from their initial position much like a dogs did when it heard its name being called or a high pitched frequency. I don't know which it was for me, but for some reason I felt compelled to stay silent, still staring creepily. "You said my name, did you not?"
THERE WAS NO WAY ON THE PLANET THAT I WAS THIS LUCKY!!! "Tia?" I said, just as puzzled as she was at the time, just a bit more excited than she was. "You're Tia? Wow! I mean uh…my name is Van." I couldn't believe that this could've been happening.
"Oh!... sorry, no, actually. My name is Tawny. Must've misheard you. Have a nice day…Van" SHIT!!!!! This kind of crap always happens to me. I was probably gonna get stuck with some ugly as bitch.
As I went back to talking to the Maitre d' trying to find out who it was that I had been arranged to meet here, I heard a rustling from nearby. A bit less intrigued than I was before thinking that nothing I raise my head for could be more worth looking at than Tawny . That is… until I saw it for my own eyes.
She stood there with a look of pure anticipation and excitement and looked directly at me, and what did I do? Fucking stood there with my mouth wide open and just started. Idiot. She started to say something and the voice that radiated from those black glossy lips was that of an angel.
"Ummm I'm Tia. You must be…" she started.
"Yeah…" the dead stare now turned to a slight smirk, which was supposed to be less creepy but instead just looked like I was gonna fucking drool on the floor. "Uh. I mean Van " Very nice dumb fuck.
She looked at the maitre d' and said with that pure voice, "umm… I think he's with me"
"Yeah" God I was looking so intelligent right now. We left the awkward situation to sit down at the booth that was just behind the door and lucky for me, right next to the bar. She had to take my hand and drag me to the seat because I was still a little shocked. The touch of her skin on mine was like velvet, silk, and clouds all wrapped into two perfect five fingered, delicate features. She pulled so gently, but the feeling to follow her was more powerful than anything I've ever felt in my life.
We sat down at the table and for the first time we saw each other. She had seen me, and I had seen her, but we saw each other. And it was magic.
"So, Van, tell me about yourself." She rendered me silent. I tried to search for more words than just "Um" and "well", but that's all that seemed to come out. I finally managed to spit out actual words and I wished I hadn't
"I'm broke" I said without a moments notice then continuously beat a mental fist into my brain. Stupid stupid stupid. "I mean, I'm from a broken relationship" Nice Save.
"Aww I'm sorry. Did you get your wittle heart broken?" she was so condescending, but I loved it. She wasn't buying my shit. I actually had to admit that I had no money? Hell no!
"Yeah well… maybe" I retorted. She was a hard shell to crack.
"Well get over it. You are with me now" Damn! Girl knows what she wants. "And that, dear Van, is all that need be said," Fine by me!
We ordered our food when the waitress got to our table. "I'll have the-"
"Il prendra les escargots et malade ont fromage grillé" She knows French? Holy shit she was perfect.
"Bon Choix Madamoiselle" Said the waiter as he walked toward the kitchen.
"What just happened?" I said in an annoyed yet turned on tone.
"You just ordered the snails, and I got a grilled cheese sandwich" She said with a sneer on her face. "If I'm paying for you, you are eating what I want you to eat. Don't worry, I hear they are quite delicious." A delightful smile crossed her face as that last part escaped her. She looked at me with such an evil yet exciting gleam in her eye that said that she either dug me, or she was just fucking with me. Either way, I did not care at the time. She reached in her purse and pulled out a cigarette and a lighter. I had no way of controlling myself, I had always wanted to do this. I stole the lighter from her, a bold move for just having met her, and offered to do it myself.
"May I?" I asked as innocently as possible and instead of the yank of the lighter back into her own hands, I got the reaction I was hoping for. She held the cigarette between her lips with her fingers on either side touching her pitch black lips and leaned toward me. I lit the end as she inhaled just enough to ignite the cherry. She then returned to her original seat placement with a little wisp of smoke emanating from her smile that stuck the entire time. She took another drag from her lit cancer stick and blew the excess up and away still all the while keeping her eyes locked on me.
"Thank you" she said in a most seductive tone. "I've never had anyone offer to do that before."
"Well I'm glad I could be the first." I made an effort to smile, but it was only the left side of my mouth that had risen, but she reacted just as was planned. BLUSH! There was the suave me. It was only a matter of time before-
"Oh! I'm not going to sleep with you. At least not for a while. Just getting that out of the way. If you want to leave now, you are more than welcome. Its not the first time that it has happened. But… you won't, I can feel it?" She dropped that bomb on me. And for the first time I didn't really care that she wasn't going to sleep with me.
"Oh God no!" I said with a bit of disappointment hiding deep within, but a whole lot more excitement on the outside. I looked at her form across the table, and just took all of her assets in. There were two simple yet erotic pig tails that protruded from the upper portions of her beautifully proportioned face. The pink streaks in her royal blue hair sent shivers of red hot desire down my spine. Her nose ring just tickled my imagination with the tiniest glint of that stainless steel loop. She wore an off the shoulder dress with plenty of tantalizing ruffles lining her breasts and an elastic band around her hips. Her arm warmers were more than just tight, they were littered with colors from the rainbow. All these things about her made me feel two different emotions. I felt more comforted to be in a place like this because I now knew that I was not the only patron dressed like a normal person and I felt drawn to her more than I ever thought possible seeing as how I was on a blind date.
"Voulez-vous quelque choses à boire?" Said the waiter upon returning to our table.
"What the fuck did you just say to me?" If this goddamn asshole didn't start saying some shit I could understand, we were gonna have a problem. "How do I know he's not talking shit about me?" I asked the vision of beauty that sat in front of me now looking disgusted that I had said anything at all. She just kind of stared at me and then turned to the waiter and said some gibberish that I was too flustered to pay attention to.
"What the fuck was that?" She said to me with all the kindness slowly disappearing. "All he was doing was taking our drink order" She was still very pissed off.
" How the fuck was I supposed to know that? I don't speak fucking French." I said, more harsh than I needed to.
"But I do asshole. Besides… if he had been talking shit, I would have laughed." There it was that evil, deviant, sexy, mysterious smile that I now craved crossed her face again. She took another drag of her cigarette and again blew the smoke up and away but kept her eyes on me. I couldn't help but grin as widely as the Cheshire Cat. "So don't you want to know what I got you to drink?" she was a crafty one.
" What was it? Wheat grass juice?" I asked being the ever so vigilant smart ass. After the snails I was definitely expecting the worst.
"No, just a little Dr. Pepper." Oh thank God. I never thought that would come out of her mouth.
"I'd say you could read minds, but you ordered me the snails." Way to go smartass. Start off the day as an asshole. Good plan. "I mean thank you for the cultural experience." That did not make up for it. Jerk off. Now all I could do is hope that she made humor out of that and not me into an asshole.
"Well, you looked like you could use a little adventure in your life. Something told me that you had never tried snails, and another part of my brain told me that you would be disgusted, but the biggest part of me said fuck it," Oh I like where this is going," because if you don't eat at least half of your snails I'm stiffing you with the check and something tells me that you don't have any money on you." Or at all for that matter. Who did she think she was treating me like I was a child in elementary school? Its like being told to eat your veggies all over again except this time it was just a little bit more disgusting. I had no idea where this chick got off telling me what to do, but a huge part of me loved it.
"And just what if I don't have any money and you still leave the check to me? What are they going to do, arrest me?" I showed her. Oh FUCK I just admitted that I don't have any money. Now she definitely thinks I'm a deadbeat. If I could sew my mouth shut I swear to god I would.
"Well that's for the proper authorities to decide isn't it?" she did it again. That smile was enough to make a grown man blush.
"You mean Pigs. The only thing that they can decide is what doughnuts to have in the morning" I was back on my game. There is no way that she couldn't laugh at that. Everyone I know hates cops… Why isn't she laughing… The scowl on her face said it all. I found the one fucking person who didn't hate them and she happened to be the girl I was trying to impress.
"My dad is a cop" FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! GODDAMMIT! Oh dear god I should just say goodbye now and just say fuck it. I have taken this date and turned it into something unrecognizable now. My face went into instant shock and my whole body just started to shake.
"I'm so sorry. I'm just gonna go now I think I've done enough. I started to get up and walk away but she just starts busting out laughing. As I'm standing there with tidbits of nervous laughter leaking out to lighten the situation and just as im about done laughing and I turn to walk away once again, I feel a tugging on my shirt. I turn around and right there. BOOM! It's like a fucking lightning bolt from Zeus himself just tags me right in the fucking head. As soon as I turned far enough to be considered facing her, she pulled me in and planted the biggest, longest, most passionate kiss I've ever had on me. She pulls away and I'm left standing there with my lips still pursed and my head still spinning. My eyes are shut tight so that no one or nothing could ruin this moment. I slowly peak out at the surrounding world and I realize that out of the two of us I was the only one still standing. She had sat back down on the bench seat and was continuing to sip on her water. Who was this creature I so longed to have, and what the fuck did she want with me?
"Sit down spaz. I'll let you start over. Hi I'm Tia. And You are?" She slyly managed to utter.
"Baffled" I said without even thinking.
"Nice to meet you" Her smile penetrated me deeper than any emotion I could ever have felt and from then on I knew that I was hers.