Ivan almost dropped the sunflowers he was holding, and quickly, and quietly, hid in a nearby hallway. He peeked around the corner.
He hadn't imagined it.
Alfred had Arthur pinned up against the wall and were kissing quite passionately. Russia moved back behind the wall and sighed quietly. He walked down the hallway, heading back to the meeting room, until he came to a bathroom. Ivan walked into it and threw the sunflowers in the trash, before continuing to go to the meeting room. America wouldn't want them anyway. He sat down at his usual spot and started to get his papers for the next meeting together.
-------
Alfred rolled his eyes and leaned against the counter as Arthur complained.
"Everyone can see hickeys, Alfred!"
"I'm sorry! You weren't complainin' when I put them there!"
Arthur sighed and shook his head, looking in the mirror.
"I'll just pretend they don't exist."
"That'll work," Alfred said sarcastically, looking around the bathroom. He stopped when he noticed the sunflowers, and his heart almost stopped. Ivan had been giving him sunflowers every meeting. He shook his head. There was no way that Russia had caught them.
"Then what do you suggest?"
"I have a scarf in my car." Alfred handed Arthur the keys and went to the meeting room. He searched it with his eyes for Russia, and frowned when Ivan was very deliberately not looking at him. He felt his stomach twist and he bit his lip. Had Ivan caught him and Arthur? America shook his head. Why should he care? It wasn't like he had been cheating on Russia; they hadn't been going out!
He sat down at his spot, and England soon sat next to him, a green scarf around his neck, hiding the hickeys. Arthur handed him the keys to his car under the table, gently squeezing Alfred's hand when he took them.
-------
Ivan avoided looking at Alfred the entire meeting. He stood up and left quickly after the meeting was over, not wanting even a small chance of being caught alone by America.
Russia went to his hotel, sitting on the bed and sighing.
He had let himself be caught up in the idea that Alfred might love him, and now he being punished.
He should have learned a long time ago that he was not allowed to be loved.
He lied down, staring at the white wall and waiting for sleep to claim him, but it never did.
-------
America watched Russia the next day as he walked into the meeting room. He looked tired and not very happy.
His stomach twisted unpleasantly again.
Ivan avoided Alfred again, sitting in his usual spot and not looking up unless someone was talking to him. America almost went over to talk to him, but England had arrived, and was saying something about what the meeting was about, so he didn't.
He did not get another chance to talk to Ivan for the rest of the meetings.
-------
Ivan slammed the door shut when he got home.
He hated the way it echoed through the empty house, and the way no one answered.
It wasn't like anyone cared.
Russia sighed and went to go make dinner. The only reason he was upset was because he had let himself deceive himself. It was entirely his fault, and he needed to learn from it. He needed to distance himself from everyone again, so not to let him fool himself.
He was meant to be alone – God had deemed it so.
Ivan decided he could be happy this way – he just had to try harder. Get a smaller house, talk to less people, busy himself with work. At the very least he could distract himself…
-------
Alfred's stomach twisted unpleasantly again when he realized that he hadn't seen Ivan in a long time. There was an email from the president, asking if he had gotten into another fight with Russia and telling him to go apologize if he had because "another cold war will not be good for anyone."
He wrote back telling the president that he just hadn't seen Russia in a long time, and sat back in his chair after sending it. He wondered why he hadn't seen Ivan in a while, and hoped that he was okay. He had been so busy with Arthur lately that he had barely had time to think of Ivan at all, let alone worry about him. He sighed and shook his head. Russia had probably gotten over him already, and it was stupid to worry about it.
He didn't feel much better about it, though.
-------
Ivan walked into his apartment and put the food on the counter. His boss had agreed to let him get an apartment, but had refused to let him sell the house. He sighed and leaned on the counter. He wondered for a moment what Alfred was doing, but scolded himself after realizing what he was doing.
He would not think about Alfred unless he had to for politics.
The phone rang suddenly and he went to get it. He picked it up and looked at who was calling.
Speak of the devil and the devil comes.
Ivan put the phone back up, not answering it. If it was important, Alfred would call his boss.
The phone rang again five minutes later, America again.
Russia ignored it.
-------
Alfred found out about it a few days afterward. He stood there for a few minutes, shocked. Ivan was in the hospital.
America knew from experience that it was extremely hard to put Russia in the hospital, and almost didn't believe it, until he heard the second part.
Russia had hurt himself.
Apparently, he hadn't been sleeping or eating and doing work all the time and finally collapsed. His boss had been the one to find him, an entire week later, laying in bed, too tired to move.
"The sad thing is that no one found him for a week. It's almost depressing how no one cares enough about him to check up on him after having not seen him for a while," England said, shaking his head.
Alfred's stomach twisted again. H-he had called! But no one had picked up, and he knew that Ivan was ignoring his calls. He knew that this was his fault. He thought of the sunflowers in the trash and bit his bottom lip again.
"But it doesn't really concern us," Arthur continued, smiling at Alfred and kissing his cheek.
America could remember Russia doing the same thing and he felt his heart crack.
"Arthur…" Alfred started, looking away from the Englishman, "I… I don't love you."
England's smile vanished and he looked down at the ground.
"I see," he said, his voice becoming strained, "I'll just go then."
Alfred reached forward and grabbed Arthur's wrist.
"You're still my older brother…"
England looked up at America, tears in his eyes, and pulled his wrist out of Alfred's grasp.
"That hasn't been good enough for a very long time."
Arthur turned and left. The meeting room was silent for a moment, until there was the scrapping of Francis' chair legs against the floor and France followed England.
Murmuring started up, and America sat down, sighing.
This just wasn't his day.
-------
Ivan looked away when Alfred came in.
"Come to rub it in my face?" he asked, although not with the usual hate that would come with such a statement. It was toneless, although almost – almost – tired.
Alfred sighed and sat down on the bed. "No. I came to see if you were okay."
Ivan said nothing for a while, before asking, bitterness in his tone,
"How is England?"
America's heart shattered at the implication.
"Ivan-"
"Don't call me that. I'm Russia."
Alfred almost sighed.
"I love you."
Ivan said nothing, but seemed to curl into himself.
"Don't say that," he said quietly.
"I love you."
Ivan shook his head.
"If you loved me you wouldn't have kissed England. You wouldn't have left me alone for so long. No one loves me. And it's supposed to be that way."
Alfred reached forward and hugged Ivan gently.
"I love you."
Russia said nothing.
"I need you."
Still nothing.
Alfred held back tears and pulled away from Ivan.
"Please… I really do. And I know that you love me. Or at least I know that you used to. Don't do this."
Russia sighed, and did not look at America.
"I told myself that I would not deceive myself into thinking that you loved me again."
"You're not. I do love you. More than anyone."
Ivan looked at Alfred for the first time and Alfred smiled hesitantly at him.
Russia reached forward and kissed Alfred gently. America smiled into the kiss and pulled himself closer to Ivan.
"I love you."