Chapter three

Thought I'd get Mickety Smith a nice programming multi-widget to play with, something to pass the time while he waited for the downloads on his Facecrook page. Those damn apps… they're worse than moldy jelly babies.

Rejoicing in my righteous gift giving skill, I pointed to the shiny IPod shaped thingy on the bluish liquid shelf just above the merchant's conch-shaped right ear. It wasn't really much of an ear, for a creature evolved from something resembling a cross between snot and primordial South American roughage, -specifically Carnegeia gigantia, the common Solian variety Giant Saguaro cactus, but who was I to judge? He smelled most pleasantly of Old Earth violets. My hand ventured to my pocket, and as I dug for the correct change somewhere between a hand-sized replica of the Starship Enterprise and a first edition Wonder Woman Pez dispenser, I bent, reaching farther into my bottomless stow.

But then I woke up on the ground. The merchant was holding my hand, babbling at someone to get some water or something. Oh dear. Apparently –he- was a she. But that was the least of my problems. I'd fainted.

I'd fainted, while rummaging for Christmas gifts on the dusty Bazaar planet of Bappinji, and somehow managed to forget to eat for six days in a row. Had I been shopping that long? Blimey.

I smiled.

"Your pelt smells like a bunch of beautiful Solian violets. Did you know that?" I said, taking the merchant's dry, hot claw in my own and pulling myself to a sitting position, "Sorry for this. I forgot to eat again, silly Time Lord that I am."

The she-snot –sorry, I really should respect her (even if these 'are' my own private thoughts) and call her what she is, namely a native Bappinjian, instead, it's just… all those oddly placed bubbles! They make me think of- froze in my grasp, her large, clear, colorless eyes icing over with gray as if snow were falling in her head behind them. Then she draped her other claw around my waist and hauled me the rest of the way to my feet.

Uh oh. I'd really done it. I'd said what I was again. In the immortal words of my dearest friend and hero, Oi.

"Time Lord!"

"Time Lord?"

"Time Lord!"

Soon the call to my nature was ringing out from every stall, and I looked about, trying to gauge whether I should drop everything and run, or just pretend to pass out and avoid an embarrassing scene, only to be whisked away and nursed in some foreigner's hospice by highly trained green marble-ish egg-shaped spin in place aliens called Oviparae with metal legs and no heads who would be quite happy to feed me tea and oranges till midnight. But I had no time to relax, sadly, so for now the second option was out. So I just blinked, set my lips into my best fake smile, and turned…

Right into a big chest. A very big chest, really, as it belonged to a Judoon.

I rubbed my nose, as the precious organ had been smushed to the nares by its meeting with the big Rhino-man's exquisite bulk. He was half naked, a stone's throw smarter than most of his race, and three heads taller than me…

I sniffed.

"Jugsy my boy, I'd recognize that gold earring anywhere!"

The big Judoon snorted into my face and held up a drinking bulb of clear fluid, which I took and smelled dutifully before downing.

I handed the bulb back to him with a smile. It looked so small in his Christmas ham sized pads.

His big lips parted like cracks of rock, and he spoke to me softly, "MOO DUNG BO JO, old friend. You want another? You look like you could use it."

I ground myself down like a telescope lens, then just sort of, bobbed my head from side to side slightly as we walked back to his tent. I couldn't keep anything from Jugsy, the old gem.

"MOO DUNG BO JO, old friend! MOO DUNG BO JO! I'm dying, Jugs me lad. Up the river, gone to pasture, Round the bend. Comes from being a wildly handsome Janusian rascal, one supposes. If I hadn't taken so many hits in this body, I imagine I'd have had it for a bit longer, although…"

"Ha ha ha! Oh, my poor deluded, starving friend, you must rest at my tent. My wife Jooba is nursing our first little one. His hooves just dried to-day!"

The Rhinoform's smile, big lips and all, was far too infectious, and soon I found myself carrying on about something or other and how someone had managed to get into my TARDIS and slap a five finger discount on all my milk when I'd first landed on Bappinji, the day I'd met him in fact. And it had happened again this time too.

Unlike the last time, I paid the theft no heed. It was only Old Taliqueel the Nautiloid from Bleu District. He was half senile, had a thing for curds and Malfikine prawn. If I found him later I could always take him back here, I s'posed. He wasn't dangerous.

Jugsy had been an officer then, Corporal Jugseth Fumm, out looking for Old Taliqueel, as he had caught him stealing his usual prawns from Space Pirate Tina's down on the corner of Fifth and Brevity. Oo they had delicious Raxaawi peppered soba…

We came to the tent. Jooba was at the flap, holding their little baby.

"Oh would you look at that! The cuteness is enough to give a man a coronary. Give us to grandfather!"

I held out my arms expectantly, my nostrils flaring like a bull's as I took the infant Judoon in my hands.

"Oh Doctor, it suits you. I think you've been alone for far too long. You must be careful, these days," she paused, "You never know who will come knocking, you know. This young man is Juth, our new baby. Isn't he KUK MUG DOO KOO?"

Ah, Jooba. She always had a knack for reading me. She led us inside the tent, which I had long since converted –bigger on the inside- some time ago, and sat me down on a nice round armless feathery chair, where I proceeded to bounce young Juth on my knee.

"Very much so, my dear. He is quite the jewel in the crown…"

I then proceeded to play fingers, much to Juth's everlasting delight. His little eyes were like huge chunks of vitrous coal, and I began to count aloud in his native language.

"TUN, MUN, THEE, DUTH, ROO!" I giggled, and he giggled, and we were soon on the floor, having fallen out of the chair together in our fervor.

But it ended abruptly, as both his adoring parents chose exactly that occasion to shoo him off to his playpen, leaving me without a new baby to smell.

"Ohhh.. Did you have to? He smells like New New New New New New New New York apple grass!"

Jooba looked at Juth and frowned, playfully, "Now now young man, the Doctor must save some numbers for us! Go play in your pen, little Juth!"

Jooba and Jugsy grinned at each other as I rose and took my chair again, but I could see they were concerned.

"He says he is dying again, Jooba my GALOO," said Jugsy, padding over to Jooba and resting an arm across her broad back.

"Yes, Jugseth my GALOO. I can smell death on him. He hasn't long. Do you, Doctor?"

They were both looking at me, now.

"You know me," I said quietly, lowering my eyes a fraction beneath Jooba's piercing chalcedony blue gaze, "… same old life."

"Not this Time," said Jooba, her features drawing down in a semblance of what must have been pity.

It was my cue to go.

"I… I have somewhere to be. There is a festival in Sol system called Christmas… my human friends desperately want me to come and celebrate. I was here buying presents for some of them, and… speaking of the present, I really should go. That fainting spell cost me a few minutes…"

They looked at each other again.

"You fainted? Doctor, perhaps you should stay with us a spell, till you're better."

It's all right, Jooba! Besides, you wouldn't want me regenerating all over your nice rugs, would you?"

Her laughter sounded like petals falling somewhere, strangely enough.

Jooba could be so insistent! The spare bedroom with the small library looked inviting, and… her Muktavi pies were really the best… but… there were promises to keep, and miles to go before I slept, and what. I stood, gave a slight bow and turned to leave.

Before I knew it, I had walked back to the merchant's stall where I'd been trying to buy a gift for Mickey. When she saw me, she raised her snotty fist and waved it like a battle hammer.

"Dlix nuwat, Tehmi Ludako! Dlixali Nuwat. Mawree Corustmas!"

Flattered, I paled a bit as she pressed the doohickey I'd been eyeing into my fingers. This worried her a bit, but I patted her rather substantial purple arm as I dug into my coat pocket and said, "Solkae Ruksum akusae violets. Vurae Prit."

Then I handed her a bouquet, and left with my prize.

The right kind of discount never hurt anyone.

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As I reached the doors of my beloved Blue Box, I smiled and stroked her sides, telling her without words just how much she had-did-would-could meant-mean to myself and all my Companions. My good Old Girl was just, i suspect, very glad for my sake that the shopping was done. Now all that was left was to arrive at Francine's doorstep, and then to ring the bell. Along with the gifts, I'd also be bringing my special root pie made with Trelkian sugar tubers and African Yams…

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FIN

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"…MOO DUNG BO JO…"

- Translates to:

"Good days to you."

"KUK MUG DOO KOO"

Translates to:

"… the cutest little thing?"

"TUN, MUN, THEE, DUTH, ROO!"

"One, two, three, four, five!"

"… GALOO."

Translates to:

…honoured and dearest."

"Dlix nuwat, Tehmi Ludako! Dlixali Nuwat. Mawree Corustmas!"

Translates to:

"For you it's free, Time Lord. For you, it's always free. Merry Christmas!"

"Solkae Ruksum akusae violets. Vurae Prit."

Translates to:

Here you are, you lovely thing. Violets from Sol System. Very pretty!"

THANK YOU FOR READING, AND MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!!!