When We Two Parted
Disclaimer: If only the rights belonged to me, then I would have gotten P/C together in the TV series. But as it is, I don't own them so please don't sue. I am only using for the enjoyment and not for the profit.
Summary: Beverly spends time with a man she thought dead and truths, deceit and broken promises are revealed.
Rating: PG-13
A/n: Many thanks to Jamie, my utterly wonderful beta and who is also a great sounding board for my ideas, whether they are good or are utter tripe.
When We Two Parted
Chapter Five: Confronting the problem.
In the two days that had passed since the poetry recital in Ten-Forward, Jean-Luc Picard hadn't clapped eyes on either Beverly Crusher or Walker Keel. He hadn't intentionally planned on being cold and dismissive towards Beverly when she had tried to speak with him. The manner in which he spoke to her surprised him as much as it surprised her. He had half expected her to come marching into his quarters or even his office demanding an explanation, but she had done neither. After a small amount of detective work on his part, he had found out from Deanna Troi that Beverly had been spending all her free time on the starbase with Walker. Part of him longed to go and join them, to reminisce with them, but the other part of him knew that it wouldn't be the same anymore. There would be awkward silences. And Beverly, in her not so subtle way, would want to know what was going on and that questioning would open a whole new kettle of fish.
Jean-Luc spent the morning in the holodeck taking advantage of his leave while he could. He'd booked the holodeck for two hours and had used one of his riding programmes. The ride through the mountain ranges of Tera had been relaxing and he had almost been able to forget his troubles, almost. His time on the holodeck came to an end far too soon for his liking, and though he did have certain privileges as Captain, he didn't exercise them to prolong his holodeck visit. It would be selfish of him to overrun.
He slowly made his way back to his quarters, coming to a swift stop when he saw Walker leaning casually against the wall. Jean-Luc hadn't been stupid and tried to fool himself into thinking that Walker wouldn't try to collar him again, but his presence outside his quarters threw him. Walker Keel had always had the gift of unnerving him. Sometimes Jean-Luc thought that Walker had made it his mission in life to unnerve him at any given opportunity. Walker had probably coached Beverly on the techniques, because she could disarm him with a simple smile. They both seemed to relish in his discomfort though, yet he knew they didn't mean anything by it. They did it because they cared and he let them get away with it because he knew they cared.
"Things don't change, do they, Johnny?" said Walker as he pointed to the vintage-looking saddle resting over Jean-Luc's arm. "You still have that old thing aboard your ship."
Jean-Luc smiled. "And people still find it amusing that I do."
The doors to Jean-Luc's quarters hissed open when they recognized his presence and he strode in purposely, leaving Walker out in the corridor. He went into his bedroom and placed his prized saddle on its saddle rack, tapping it affectionately before he made his way back to the main part of his quarters. Walker was still in the corridor, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed against his chest.
"Aren't you coming in?" Jean-Luc asked as he crossed the room and headed for the replicator.
"Didn't want to assume anything," replied Walker as he finally stepped into the room, the doors hissing shut behind him.
"You're always welcome here, Walker," said Jean-Luc, not looking up from making his replicator choices. "Can I get you anything?"
"Just a tea," answered Walker as he made his way over to the couch and sat where he had sat on his last visit. " I ate with Beverly before she and the counselor made it obvious that I was not welcome. They were talking weddings, a Betazoid one. I would have been willing to stay and discuss the ceremony further with them but I got the hint after a disaproving look from Bev."
"I still don't think she has forgiven you for telling Adele that you were a Betazoid and that before you dated properly, it would be wise to see how you would look like together at a Betazoid wedding ceremony."
"Adele wanted to do it," protested Walker with a grin. "Until Bev opened her mouth and blabbed. I can still feel the sting on my cheek where Adele slapped me."
"She had a duty to her friend," Jean-Luc replied as he brought over two cups of tea and placed them down on the coffee table. As soon as he words slipped out of his mouth, he wished he could take them back. He had given Walker the perfect opportunity to bring up the subject of Jack, promises, and duties.
Walker did not disappoint. "Speaking of duties to friends..."
"It's different and you know it," Jean-Luc said as he turned to look at his friend.
"Did you enjoy Data's recital?" asked Walker, changing the subject.
Jean-Luc wasn't sure why it had been Walker to change the subject and not him, but he was glad of it. He hadn't liked the way the conversation had been going and was grateful for the reprieve, though he knew Walker and his tactics. He knew that the subject would be approached again at some point during Walker's visit.
"It was enjoyable," answered Jean-Luc as he settled down in his chair. "Data has much improved and now the poems he reads are more suitable."
Walker listened intently as Jean-Luc explained Data's other attempts at reading poetry and delighted in reciting what he could remember of 'Ode to Spot'. Jean-Luc wanted to prolong the poetry conversation for as long as possible, as it was buying him time. The longer he spoke about poetry, the less time Walker would have to bring up Beverly.
"Beverly was extremely upset after the recital," cut in Walker. "Any ideas as to why?"
"I didn't notice," answered Jean-Luc cautiously. "I only saw her briefly. I had a subspace communication waiting for me."
"Running away from her again?" questioned Walker, leaning forward and picking up his teacup.
"I think we have our wires crossed," said Jean-Luc, playing innocent. He knew very well to what or to whom Walker was referring.
"No, I don't think so," Walker replied as he looked over the brim of his cup and caught Jean-Luc's eye.
The questions that Walker had fired at him to other day came back to haunt him as he returned the probing glaze of his friend. Deep down, he'd always known the answers to them; they had been there for the last twenty plus years. They had never changed despite the relationships he had tried to have. He had wanted to stay. He had wanted to marry her. He had wanted to have children with her. And he still wanted all of those things.
"What are you really afraid of?" asked Walker.
"You really want to know?" asked Jean-Luc, his temper rising slightly.
"I have just asked you haven't I?" Walker said, his voice remaining steady.
"I don't want to end up leaving her like Jack did and then her having no one," he blurted out.
He said it. He had finally said it. It was his biggest fear, it had even eclipsed the guilt he felt about Jack's death and his dying words. There was every chance that he would end up on a slab just how Jack had. If he allowed himself to tell her what was in his heart and he ended up in her sickbay dead, she would have to go through it all again and he wasn't prepared to put her through that again.
"But you did leave her," Walker reminded him.
"I regret leaving her like I did but I didn't see any other way out at the time," Jean-Luc began to explain. The words were coming out of his mouth and he could hear them, but it felt as though everything was moving in slow motion.
"Maybe you just should have confronted it."
"With hindsight, don't you think I don't know that?" Exasperated, Jean-Luc clenched his fists together.
"Why haven't you done anything about it?" enquired Walker.
"I was just relieved that we'd managed to salvage something of our friendship," Jean-Luc said, pausing briefly before admitting his guilt. "I wasn't through punishing myself for betraying Jack." Hearing his words as he spoke them, Jean-Luc found himself trying to martyr himself because he had suffered pain. He also knew that playing the martyr didn't suit him and he needed to put an end to punishing himself as he had been.
"For not carrying out your promise or him dying under your command? Because I can tell you right now which one was worse." Walker's words cut through Jean-Luc like a knife.
"What would you know, Walker? You are just as alone as I am," Jean-Luc said. He was getting fed up with the holier than thou attitude Walker seemed to have regarding the situation. He felt badly about trying to wound Walker with personal comments, but he also felt justified in doing so. Walker was probing into his personal life. Why shouldn't the favour be returned?
"I didn't make any promises to make sure someone else wasn't alone," Walker shot back, choosing not to bring his own personal life into the conversation.
"Promises sometimes have to be broken," Jean-Luc said, feeling weary.
"Some promises are meant to be kept," Walker said, entirely calm.
"What would you have me do? Why should I rake all this up again and hurt her?" asked Jean-Luc.
"Explain it to me. Explain to me how this would hurt her more now." asked Walker.
Jean-Luc took a deep breath inwards and tried to regain some composure. Counselor Troi would be having a field day if she were sitting in Walker's place. She was privy to his emotions and feelings anyhow. Talking to Walker was giving him the chance to talk openly about it, and that was something he had never done. He might hate Walker for pushing him into doing this right now, but he had no doubt that he would be thankful later. "It would bring it all up and she would know I've been lying to her for all these years. I would lose her all over again," Jean-Luc said. He suddenly felt very small and almost child-like.
"You never had her. She'd lost you. Have you ever thought that maybe she'd like to find you again?" asked Walker.
"I saw with someone down on the starbase, she doesn't need me," Jean-Luc continued as he remembered seeing Beverly embracing a man.
"That was me. And she doesn't need me," Walker said. "And what about this Nella Daren? Why is there one rule for you and another one for Beverly?"
Walker bringing Nella into the conversation had thrown Jean-Luc completely. He certainly hadn't mentioned rekindling his relationship with Nella Daren to anyone but Beverly. She must have told Walker and probably Deanna, who would have told Will and he would have let slip to someone else. His relationship with Nella wasn't important to what had been said so, far so why had Walker even brought it up? What ever he'd been about to say vanished and he felt his mouth fall open.
"Hiding again? Hiding what you feel for Beverly behind another quasi-relationship?" pushed Walker.
"No, it wasn't like that," Jean-Luc snapped. "This isn't about Nella. She isn't in the equation anymore."
"Back to you and Beverly then," continued Walker. "I wasn't the one she needed during Jack's funeral. She was grateful for my presence and my help, but she needed you and she still needs you."
"What makes you think she needs me?" asked Jean-Luc.
"Jack wouldn't have asked what he asked of you if she hadn't needed you," replied Walker.
"What I don't understand is why Jack didn't confront me before his death." It had always puzzled Jean-Luc why Jack hadn't confronted him about his feelings for Beverly. If it had been the other way around, Jean-Luc would have been most distressed and annoyed that his best friend had fallen in love with his wife. He might not have confronted the situation head on, but he would make sure he never left them alone together or encourage outings like Jack had done.
"Just like he knew Beverly well, he also knew his best friend. There wasn't a need for a confrontation, he knew that you would never step between him and Beverly."
What Walker had just said was true. Jack had trusted them both and had allowed the friendship to develop. There was never a time that Jack should have been worried, because Jean-Luc was loyal to his friends and he wouldn't have touched a friend's wife. He was still loyal to Jack after all this time and this had also prevented him from being with Beverly. "How can I even begin to make this right, Walker?" asked Jean-Luc, lowering his head.
"Talk to her," Walker said.
"It sounds so easy when you say it like that," Jean-Luc said as he lifted his head and looked over towards where Walker was lounging about on the couch.
"Doesn't it just?" Walker agreed.
"I don't even know where to start," Jean-Luc admitted. He had a lot to apologize for and that was even before telling her about Jack's final words, his feelings for her, and what he wished for them.
"Well, 'hello' is generally a good start," Walker said with a wide grin.
"Always the wise cracking one weren't you?" Jean-Luc asked with a roll of the eyes. Trust Walker to crack a clever comment when they were having a serious conversation.
"Fine. How about 'there's something I need to tell you'?" Walker suggested.
Jean-Luc couldn't help but chuckle at that final comment. He faintly recalled Beverly saying something like that when Kyril Finn was holding them prisoners on Rutia IV. She had never gotten the chance to finish what she had started, and until he had heard Walker say the same thing, he had forgotten about it as well. It was only now that he was able to ponder what she was going to say to him.
"Go see her Johnny," urged Walker as he rose from his seat and walked over to where Jean-Luc was bent over. "Go to her."
"I will, old friend." Jean-Luc answered as he looked up at his friend. "I will."
To be continued...