Disclaimer: If only the rights belonged to me, then I would have gotten P/C together in the TV series. But as it is, I don't own them so please don't sue. I am only using for the enjoyment and not for the profit.
Summary: Beverly spends time with a man she thought dead and truths, deceit and broken promises are revealed.
Rating: PG-13
A/n: Many thanks to Jamie, my utterly wonderful beta and who is also a great sounding board for my ideas, whether they are good or are utter tripe.
When We Two Parted.
Chapter 6: Confessions All Round.
If you are listening to this Bev, then the unthinkable has happened—I am not coming home to you. I love you dearly and want to thank you for making my life what it was. I am a better person for loving you, Beverly, and the joy of having our son made me the man I am…I was. I never wanted to leave you like this, so early on in our life together as a family. Please know that I am sorry. I know that my passing is going to be hard on you sweetheart, but I know there is someone to love and look after you, though that someone who might need some looking after himself. I leave you in good hands.
All my love,
Jack.
Beverly Crusher reached over and turned off her console before staring at the blank screen. She had felt the need to see Jack's final message to her, and perhaps part of her needed to hear his comforting voice. She remembered when she had first received the message; she had presumed Jack had been referring to their son when he had told her that someone would be there for her. At the time, it had been the only plausible person, and she had continued to believe it for many years after his death. In the meantime, she had thrown herself headfirst into caring and loving Wesley, while also throwing herself into her work as a means of forgetting to grieve. Walker had been a tower of strength to her during the funeral and subsequent year he spent with her and Wesley, and without him she would have crumbled. Walker had been there when she had grown bitter towards Jean-Luc, not for being the man who brought her husband's body home to her, but for being the man who had bolted when he had been needed. Walker had remained steadfastly impartial when she confronted him about Jean-Luc, but she had known deep down that Walker was just as angry, if not more so, than her.
No one, aside from Jean-Luc Picard, had been more shocked than Walker Keel when she had contacted him about applying for the Chief Medical Officer position on board the U.S.S Enterprise-D. She would have never had applied for the post if she hadn't received a box of chips that had been returned to her a year before the ship's maiden voyage. The box of chips containing Jack Crusher's personal logs had been sitting in storage at Starfleet Command along side medical files, mission logs, and other various logs that had been retrieved from the Stargazer long ago. When they'd finally been returned to her, she had sat up through the night listening to the log entries. Because of those entries, she finally discovered that it hadn't been Wesley whom Jack was talking about in his first message. Instead, it had been Jean-Luc Picard. On hearing those logs, she'd made the biggest decision since agreeing to marrying Jack; she applied for the post upon the Enterprise. She hadn't been surprised when her application was blocked. She knew it had been him, but she persisted. Starfleet decided that she was the best candidate, so they overruled Jean-Luc's logged protest. The first few months had been awkward, but slowly and surely the friendship they had once shared returned, and she began to understand why he had left her. Unknowingly, they had helped each other to heal, but Jack's death was still there, like a black void between them.
A beep from chronometer reminded her that she needed to stop thinking and get a move on. Beverly rose from her chair and made her way into her bedroom to dress. She and Walker had arranged to have dinner on the starbase, as the Enterprise would be leaving tomorrow for next mission. She'd loved spending time with Walker and she would miss him dearly. They had already spoken of arranging some leave to coincide with each other so they could spend sometime on Caldos. Walker loved the planet. When the chime rang, She had just slipped into her forest green dress and she ordered the doors to open to let Walker in.
"I'll be right out, Walker," she called out. "Just making myself presentable." She thought it strange that he hadn't made some witty comment, but didn't ponder on it for two long, as she needed to fix her hair.
"I hope we don't have to wait long for the food," she continued as she stepped into her shoes. "I haven't eaten since lunch, so I am ravenous. I was so tempted to help out Deanna with the double chocolate sundae she ordered. Well, not that she'd let me even if I'd asked." She reached over for the black shawl and wrapped it around her shoulders before making her way into the main living room. "Walker, you are very quiet," she said as she entered the room. Then she came to a sudden stop when she saw that it hadn't Walker who had entered her quarters. "Oh, it's you."
"Hello to you too," replied Jean-Luc.
"I wasn't expecting you," she answered, as she looked him, one of her hands resting on her hip. "And besides, what did you expect? The red carpet? Last time I saw you, you were incredibly rude."
Beverly stifled a smile as she saw him shift uncomfortably from foot to foot. But she didn't feel sorry for him like she would usually do in such a situation. Usually, she would break the ice, offer a drink, and make him relax. However, this time he deserved to feel uncomfortable.
"I behaved incorrectly."
At his words, Beverly raised her eyebrow, but still remained silent, waiting for him continue. She certainly wasn't going to accept those pompous words as an apology.
"I do have my reasons and that's why I'm here," he continued. "I need to speak to you, Beverly."
"I am having dinner with Walker," she told him.
"He can wait," he said.
Beverly's eyes widened, and she was about to let her temper get the better her when he cut her off before she could open her mouth.
"He knows I'm here, so please don't lose your temper."
"I wasn't going to," she replied as she turned her back to him and made her way over to the sitting area. "Are you going to tell me why you've been acting like a pompous arse?"
Not many people could get away with attacking Jean-Luc's persona, but she was one of those few who could. In private, she never minced her words; she was always straight to the point. If she disagreed with him professionally, she would do her very best to rein in her disagreements till they were alone. She couldn't always keep a lid on her views, and sometimes she did overstep the mark when in public, but he usually gave her the look and she would shut up. She got away with more than any of the other senior officers did, and because of that she was usually the one volunteered to speak with him.
"I'm not sure where to begin," he said, showing no signs of even hearing Beverly's comment about his behavior. "May I sit down?"
Beverly waved her hand towards one of chairs, a growing sense uneasiness beginning to envelop her. Whatever he needed to speak to her about, it had to be serious. Maybe he was ill. Maybe he was marrying Lieutenant Commander Interesting. Maybe he was leaving her again.
He sat down awkwardly and clasped his hands together, not looking at her and instead looking at his clasped hands. The silence between them was becoming uncomfortable and Beverly felt as though an unseen hand was wrapping around her throat, squeezing the life out of her. She rose from the chair she'd been sitting in and made her way over to him. She dropped to her knees at his feet and placed her hand on his knee.
"Jean-Luc," she said softly. "Are you ill?"
Beverly didn't want him ill, she would never wish that on anyone, but it was bit more preferable to her than him marrying Nella.
"No, no," he assured her as he placed one of his hands over hers and squeezed it. "There's a lot more life in me yet. I need to talk about Jack. I need to explain my actions and why I didn't come to the funeral."
"Jean-Luc, we've been over this," she said as she looked up at him. "I don't blame you. We all know the risks of traveling amongst the stars, and yes it was hard, but no blames lies with you."
"Jack knew," he whispered.
"Yes, he did know."
"He knew my secret," he revealed as he turned to look away from her.
"Jean-Luc, what are you talking about?" she asked, the uneasiness returning to the pit of her stomach.
"He lay dying in my arms and he told me that he always knew."
"What? Jean-Luc, you're scaring me," she said as she reached up and cupped his face with both her hands. She made him look at her, her eyes searching his for answers.
"I was meant to be his best friend," Jean-Luc continued as he returned her gaze for the first time that evening. "I loved him like a brother, and yet all the time, I wished I were him."
Beverly's thumb stroked his cheek, offering comfort. His hazel eyes were dark with unshed tears and his voice sounded so sad, so defeated. She knew he blamed himself for Jack's untimely death, but she had never known that he had truly wanted to trade places with her deceased husband.
"Never wish yourself dead, Jean-Luc," she told him softly. "Please never wish that."
"No," he said in a strangled voice as he tried to look away. "You misunderstand. I was in love with you, but Jack knew despite all my efforts to keep it hidden from him. I betrayed him in the worst possible way, and he never held it against me."
Beverly's hands dropped from his face and fell into her lap as she stared at the man motionlessly sitting in front of her. From Jack's personal logs she had been able to conclude that Jean-Luc had cared for her, but she didn't know that he had been in love with her. Jack had known, and yet he had not told her. She couldn't help but feel annoyed towards him for keeping it to himself. Perhaps with hindsight, it explained why Jean-Luc was always a bit cool towards her and she assumed he'd only tolerated her because she was married his best friend. Jack was always determined to make them friends and she couldn't understand that now. Why had Jack been trying to make them friends when he knew of Jean-Luc's feelings?
"I tried to stay away," he continued, "but Jack seemed hell-bent on making us friends. I thought I'd hidden my feelings, so I just presumed he wanted us to be friends because we were like family. But he knew all along, and yet he allowed me near you. I don't understand it. I never did and I don't think I ever will, Beverly."
"Would you have ever done anything to hurt him?" Beverly asked suddenly.
"No, never, not intentionally," he answered, frankly honest.
"Then there's your answer," she said softly. "He knew he could trust you, Jean-Luc. You didn't betray him because you didn't act on your feelings."
"His dying words to me were 'I can't be there for her anymore but you can. Show her that you love her'. I promised him that I would be there for you but I wasn't. I got scared and I fled, leaving Walker to pick up the pieces."
"And this is what made you and Walker fall out?" she said, her voice soft and comforting.
"Yes, he was angry with me for going back on a promise and hurting you in the process. At the time, I thought I was saving you from hurt. I thought I was doing the right thing. But it wasn't, was it?"
Beverly closed her eyes and shook her head slowly. The vivid memory of the morning of Jack's funeral returned to her, but for the reasons unlike other widows. She had been getting ready when Walker had appeared at her door with a solemn look on his face and she had presumed it to be there because of what day it was. As soon as Walker had told her that Jean-Luc had disappeared, she had stopped what she was doing and went looking for him. She had wanted to talk to him, tell him that it hadn't been his fault, and that she wanted and needed him to be at the funeral. Because she had been looking for him, she had been late for her husband's funeral, and she still hadn't found him."
"I looked for you," she said. "I thought you left because you felt you shouldn't be there or that I didn't want you there. I thought I had pushed you away and it was my fault that you had gone."
"No, Beverly, nothing was your fault," he said as he took her hands and held them tightly. "It was my struggle and I had to deal with it on my own."
"You know," she said as she rose to her feet and sat down beside him. "Jack told me that there was someone to look after me and that he would need looking after as well. For many years, I thought he was referring to Wes, but I later found out through his personal logs that he meant you. That's why I asked to be assigned to the Enterprise. I've tried to tell you that many times, but I always get interrupted by something or someone."
He turned to face her as she watched, their hands still joined, and his shoulders not so slumped as they had once been. She let go of his hands, and she saw a glimmer of fear flitter through his hazel eyes. Needing to dispel his fear and let him know that everything was fine, she opened her arms out to him and beckoned to him to her. But he remained still, stiff, and detached. She smiled softly and knew she would have to do more than open her arms to him; she would have to go to him and wrap her arms around him. She moved closer to him and wrapped her arms around him as best as she could. At first he stiffened at her touch, but after a few awkward moments, he relaxed into her embrace and gave himself over to her. He sagged against her and let the tears fall from his eyes, soaking into the dress she was wearing. Her fingers stroked the back of his neck as she held him tightly.
"Forgive me Beverly," he asked, his voice muffled.
"Always, Jean-Luc," she answered as she reach under and brought his chin up so he was looking at her. "I think a lot has been said tonight, and a lot more needs to be said, but I don't think it's wise to go on now. We can talk more in the morning."
"In the morning?" she heard him ask.
"In the morning," she assured him. "And before you ask, I am not angry with you or trying to get rid of you."
He smiled and she felt him relax further, which meant that he'd been worrying that she was simply trying to get rid of him. She felt that they both needed a night to sleep on it or plan what they wanted and needed to say. She wanted them both to have a clear head and now that something's were out in the open, the talk would be easier tomorrow.
"What about your meal with Walker?" he asked as he pulled away from her embrace.
"We'll have breakfast together in the morning before we break orbit," she told him. "Walker won't mind when we meet as long as food is offered."
"He loves his food more than you do," said Jean-Luc with a small grin that made him look years younger. "But his love of food shows, while yours never does."
"Good genes," she replied confidently. "And the amount of secret exercise I drag myself through."
"I'll see you in the morning then," he said as he stood up and pulled down his top.
"I'll come and find you once we leave the starbase," she said. "You're still on leave for three more days, so I'll come and find you. We can talk and I'll expect you to feed me."
"Goes without saying," he said before making his way towards the doors.
Beverly rose and walked over to the doors with him. She reached out and placed a hand on his arm. He stopped and turned to look at her and she pulled him into another embrace. He welcomed this embrace more quickly than he had the other one and clung to her as she was to him.
"See you tomorrow, Jean-Luc," she said as she pulled back from him slightly and looked into his eyes. There was still some guilt reflecting in them but she hoped that after tomorrow she would dispel it for good. She leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on his lips, then took a step back and smiled. "Jack was right when he said we needed each other."
"Goodnight, Beverly," Jean-Luc said tenderly as he cupped her cheek with one of his hands and brushed his thumb over her cheekbone.
Beverly closed her eyes and leaned into his touch, her breathing hitched up a notch when she felt his lips brush against hers again. It was soft and tender, but over as quickly as the kiss she had given him. The door hissed open and he walked out of her rooms, leaving her standing there, her eyes still closed.
To be continued...