Thank you to my wonderful reviewers; cjh4ever, Ravenja70, WickedWitchoftheSE, gernumblies, thunderincrimson, darkdranzer, TheWeddingFairy, L.A.H.H., tempestuous-rayne, milady dragon, Inexplicably Kyprioth, , Woodies101, Lilith Skywalker, Dowisetrepla, ImmortalsDoItForever, Homicide-Inside, Amy.54321, xxkiirousagixx and jimmy-barnes-13. Oh, and I'm loving the interview luck!

Many reviewers suggested having Jack use 'Pride and Prejudice' in computer format. That's a very good idea and it was one I'd never even considered, odd though that may seem. Unfortunately, the very good idea isn't going to be used. I'll claim a reason for this – not because Jack is a time traveller too and isn't used to electronic books, because I suspect he is – but because I'm assuming (No, declaring. I am the writer! My word is law!) that the list did state that it had to be a traditional book. A full size traditional book, for all those of you who cleverly suggested a pocket-sized book. Actually, the real reason was that the plan Jack actually thinks up was far more fun to write….

Chapter four

It didn't take a genius to spot what had happened. Owen spent the rest of the day sulking and shooting foul glances at Ianto. He wasn't the only person in the Hub who was less than happy. Tosh was upset because Owen had said some rather hurtful things to her after she had laughed at his grudgingly told story of how Ianto had beaten him. Gwen was annoyed with Jack because she couldn't visit her desk (she now only went there when it was absolutely necessary) for five minutes without him turning up with some parcel or other, and Jack was annoyed with Gwen because his desperate attempt to irritate her so much she either gave in or forgot herself was completely failing to work. Ianto was the only member of the team who was happy; firstly because he had succeeded in humiliating Owen and secondly because Jack was the next person on his list. He even thought he had the makings of a plan, but he didn't want to carry it out just yet. He wanted the final standoff just to be between himself and Jack, and that meant that he too was going to have to wait for Gwen to give in.

Ianto was humming to himself in the kitchen when he realised that this meant that it had to be Gwen that was trying to get him. Not that she seemed to have tried anything yet, but he'd remain on guard, just in case. She was probably too pre-occupied with Jack at the moment to concentrate on him.

When Gwen collapsed on the sofa next to Rhys later that evening she felt more like she'd just been through a major alien invasion of the city than a rift-free day of paperwork and pizza back at the Hub.

"Are you all right, love?" asked Rhys as he plonked a cup of tea down on the table in front of her.

Gwen shrugged. "It's just work."

"Really? I'd never have guessed that." Rhys joked as he sat down beside her. "What is it now? A fleet of flying saucers hanging over Cardiff?"

"No, that was last week. It's just… a game we're playing."

"A game? You mean like hunt the alien?"

Gwen gave him a brief outline of the rules and then passed him her pieces of paper. "I'm supposed to be getting Ianto in the hothouse but the item's some random alien object called an acatulater or something that I've never heard of in my life…"

Her husband interrupted her rant. "Looks like it just says 'calculator' to me."

"What?"

"Yeah, calculator. They've spelt it wrong, mind you."

Gwen snatched the piece of paper off him. It was true that if you took the 't' as an 'lc', corrected the spelling and put in the spaces Jack's scrawl could be read as 'a calculator'.

"Rhys, you are my hero!"

Jack was brooding. The place he had chosen for his brooding was the roof of The Millennium Centre. It would seem like an odd place to be stood so early in the morning to anyone passing by, but Jack found that the clear air helped his thinking. And he definitely needed to have a good think. At first he had enjoyed the challenge Gwen had posed but now he was completely fed up. Over the past two days he had tried to pass her the book in every way he could possibly come up with. He had hidden it in folders, in pizza boxes, as surprise birthday presents, inside biscuit tins, and even inside a cake. He had tried to hand her it while she was working, while she was tired, while she was talking to someone else, while she was eating… All he had achieved was to make Gwen so paranoid that she jumped up from her desk as soon as he entered the room and to make the book so sticky and disgusting that he was no longer able to open it. And he never wanted to see a copy of 'Pride and Prejudice' again.

There was obviously no way that she was ever going to take it off him just to stop him annoying her because it was clear that she would put up with it just to irritate him. And that mean Jack's current tactics were never going to work. Now he was turning to his last resort, desperately running through the rules he himself had imposed looking for a loophole.

At 6am he found one.

When they arrived that morning Tosh, Owen and Ianto were greeted by the sight of Jack striding round the Hub looking cheerful for the first time in nearly two days.

"What's come over him?" whispered Tosh to the others once he had bounced back into his office. "He can't actually have thought up a foolproof plan of giving her it, can he?"

Owen looked perplexed. "I thought he'd tried everything."

"He's definitely up to something though." Ianto affirmed, as the sound of Jack singing 'It's a Long Way to Tipperary' drifted across from the office.

"We should probably warn Gwen." Tosh said worriedly.

"No!" Owen and Ianto replied simultaneously, then both looked slightly embarrassed.

"It'll be more fun just to see what happens." Owen explained somewhat lamely. "Oh come on Tosh! Promise me you'll stay out of whatever he's up to."

Tosh shrugged. "Ok."

"Make Teaboy promise too."

A frown creased the technician's forehead. "Is there some reason you can't tell him yourself?"

"He's refusing to talk to me because of yesterday." Ianto explained casually. "Tell him I won't promise him anything until he calls me by my real name."

Tosh shook her head disbelievingly. These were the people employed to protect planet Earth against the scum of the universe?

"Tosh, tell him that as his superior I order him not to intervene."

"Tosh, will you kindly inform him that no 'superior' behaves like a whining five year old."

Tosh stuck her fingers in her ears and addressed her computer screen. "Computer, please tell Dr Harper and Mr Jones that I am not going to be their relay runner just because they are too proud to talk to each other."

Owen was just about to open his mouth to tell the computer to tell Tosh that at least he didn't speak to inanimate objects when the cog door rolled open and Gwen entered; "Sorry I'm late. Have I missed much?"

"Gwen, tell Tosh to tell Ianto that at least I'm not some sneaky jumped-up secretary."

"Then tell Tosh to tell Owen that at least I don't smell like a decaying corpse."

"Oi!"

Gwen rubbed her forehead in confusion. "If you don't want to speak to each other why don't you just use MSN?"

The two men exchanged glances and Tosh gave Gwen a smile of relief. Gwen grinned back then breezed over to her desk and started going through the drawers.

"She looks like she's planning something too." said Owen thoughtfully. "I bloody well hope she gets you."

"Jack might get her first." Ianto replied, watching Gwen carefully.

Tosh gave a loud giggle and the other two turned to look at her. "You spoke!" she exclaimed in delight.

Owen and Ianto swore simultaneously.

Gwen rummaged through he desk drawers until she found what she was looking for. The reason she had been slightly late in that morning was because she'd stopped off on her way to try and buy a pocket calculator, but she hadn't had any luck. The normal sized one in her desk would have to do. Killing Ianto was still going to be a challenge, but at least now she was in with a chance.

Straightening up she was unsurprised to see that Jack was now leaning nonchalantly against her desk.

"No."

"No what? No tomatoes? No coffee?"

"No as in 'no, I'm not going to take that book off you'." Gwen started to turn away.

"Do you mean this book?" Jack asked, producing it from behind his back.

"The one covered in jam and cake crumbs? No, I don't really want it."

Jack lowered his voice so that the others had to move closer to hear him. "Are you sure you have a choice?"

"Of course I have a choice." Gwen scoffed. "You said in the rules that we had to accept it. You can't force me to take it, so I'm not going to."

Jack smiled at her condescendingly and then drew something shining out of his pocket. Owen grinned with delight as with one swift movement Jack expertly snapped one half of the handcuffs round the steel support for the computer screen and the other half round Gwen's wrist.

"You bastard, Jack Harkness! Take it off! Now!"

Jack waved the copy of 'Pride and Prejudice' in front of her. "Only if you take this off me first."

"No!"

Jack nodded equably. "I'll come back later." And he left.

Gwen looked at the others pleadingly. "Please…?"

"No." said Owen firmly.

"Sorry, Gwen." Tosh apologised.

Ianto just nodded politely to her.

Gwen swore after them all for a full ten minutes.

Gwen rummaged at the bottom of the only drawer she could reach and eventually unearthed what she was looking for. Paperclips. She optimistically poked her makeshift lock pick into the tiny key-hole only to watch in dismay as it melted.

When she looked up Jack was stood in front of her, holding out the book.

"Did you really think I wouldn't have thought of that?"

Gwen threw the hole punch at him.

Jack leaned over Tosh's shoulder as she was typing. "What's she doing now?"

"Working, I think."

Jack nodded, enjoying himself. "I'll have to remember that. The next time I need one of you to finish some paperwork for me I'll lock you in one of the cells until it's done."

"Can we use the same tactic on you sir?" Ianto asked as he passed by.

OWEN: Hey, Gwen, will u fetch me the memory stick I left on Tosh's desk?

GWEN: piss off Owen

OWEN: will u finish writing this report for me then?

OWEN: I can tell ur not working

OWEN: don't ignore me Gwen

OWEN: I'm waving your report at u. Will u please come and get it?

[IANTO has joined the conversation]

IANTO:Gwen, if you're not working will you please go down to Tesco for me? We're out of milk.

OWEN: Can u buy me a magazine 2?

[GWEN has left the conversation]

OWEN: I never expected that you'd be one to join in

IANTO: I know. I couldn't resist.

OWEN: I might go over and see how shes getting along

IANTO: Careful. Jack's still bleeding from that hole punch.

OWEN: nah, she ran out of stuff to chuck ages ago. Ive been watching her on the cameras

Owen strolled over to Gwen's desk somewhat cautiously, on the look-out for flying stationary. He plonked a glass of water and two white pills down on her desk. "Painkillers." He announced.

"Painkillers." Gwen repeated vehemently.

"I'm your doctor, remember? I'm supposed to take care of you. And I bet you've got cramp in that arm by now."

"Why can't you just take it off?" asked Gwen stubbornly, refusing to admit that her arm was killing her.

"Now where's the fun it that? Besides, I've got a bet on with Ianto that you'll last until at least one o' clock."

Gwen glared at him and made to reach for the glass.

"If you throw that glass at me there is no way I'll be getting you another one." Owen warned.

She glared at him again and turned back to her computer. As soon as he was gone she took the painkillers.

Gwen rested her head on the table in frustration. Why did the Rift never do anything when you wanted it to?

"Hello love, any chance of a meal out tonight?"

"Sorry Rhys pet, but it looks like I might be here for a while."

"Something going on again?"

Gwen sighed. She didn't really want to explain it. "No."

"Then what's wrong?"

She decided to be blunt. "I'm hand-cuffed to the desk, Rhys."

"What? By who?"

"Jack." Gwen answered bitterly.

"Jack? But why has he…"

Gwen cut him off. "It's just this bloody game. I'll be fine."

"Has he really chained you to the desk?"

"Yes."

"Can you send me a video?"

Click

"I thought she would have cracked by now." said Ianto resignedly as he placed the ten pound note in Owen's hand.

Owen just grinned. "Care for another bet?"

"What, on how long she'll last?"

"No, on how many hits a video will get if we put it on YouTube."

"Blocking it right now." Tosh called down to them. "And if you try it anyway I'll show Jack that footage of you fiddling with the shower piping."

Owen scowled. It wasn't his fault the cells had flooded.

"Hey, Team, I thought we'd finish early today. How about we all go down the road for a drink? Owen, you can just come and watch the rest of us get drunk. Deal?"

"Sounds like a good plan to me." Owen asserted.

Ianto nodded his agreement, and they both looked at Tosh. She shrugged. "Well, if you're both going…"

Jack paused by the door as the others were leaving. "You coming, Gwen?"

"You're a load of fucking bastards, you know that?"

"Should we go back yet?" Ianto asked as he glanced at his watch.

Jack shrugged. "Do you think she'll have given in yet?"

"Probably."

"Can't we leave her overnight?" Owen asked hopefully.

Gwen looked up dully as they walked in. "I'll take it."

Jack grinned broadly. "What was that?"

"I'll take it!"

Gwen practically snatched the book from his hand then threw it to the floor. Grinning wider than ever Jack pressed a few buttons on his wrist strap to unlock the cuffs. Gwen dumped her pieces of paper on the table and half-ran, half-staggered away from her desk.

Owen emerged from the table he'd been hiding behind. "Where's she going?"

"The toilet probably." Said Ianto dryly. "But I've locked the armoury anyway."

"That probably wasn't a bad idea." Tosh murmured, listening to the sound of Gwen's swearing in the distance. "I think I'm off home."

"Me too." Owen quickly agreed, pulling his jacket back on.

Jack looked at Ianto in supplication.

"Can I stay at your house tonight?"

Apologies for all the meanness to Gwen! Not that most of you seem to care about that, but I'll apologise to her anyway.