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Habits

Tuesday 22nd September

Gee

I don't have bad habits. All my habits are tres excellent and marvy. Because I am a marvy person and a marvy friends – marvy with knobs in fact.

And if it wasn't for my marvy habits and my marvy self and being such a marvy friend Jas would not be getting such a marvy hen party. So luckily for her I am that marvy. It's quite amazing really.

Only two days left until the fabby party. Jas is moving in as well earlier that day the lucky devil. If she tries to tidy stuff up like she normally does though I may be forced to give her a good biffing or two.

Anyway the party starts at 8-ish – that's when me and Jassy will be going to her place. The rest of the Ace gang (not Rosie since she's already here) are turning up around 9. That should be fun. I can't wait to see Jassy's face when her old pallies knock on the door. And she thinks she's not going to see them until the wedding! Ha! As if the Ace Gang would miss a golden opportunity like this! Jassy Spazzy about to officially wave goodbye to the single-mingle club. This sounds like it needs a send off Ace Gang style. Oh yes!

I think I might be a tad nervous about seeing the Ace Gang again. But it'll all go smoothy smooth of course. Plus from what Rosie has told me and Jassy there are some surprises to come from other people as well... hmmm.

Robbie came home today. I like seeing Robbie even if it is a bit awkward at first. I haven't seen him yet though so the awkwardness is still to come. I haven't told Bry that he's back either. She's rather distracted at the moment and not in a good way so I figured this surprise will cheer her up.

Bry and Robbie get on really well. Like spookily well. More than me and Robbie ever did. They actually have stuff they can... talk about. How odd. But I'll let it slide.

I wonder what it is that has upset Bry recently. I know it's something to do with Callum because normally he's round here every second and I have to shoo him away but he's not been round in a while. They've definitely had a falling out. Or maybe Bry's discovered that she actually does like like him and it's making her feel funny. I should talk to her about it. I'm sure I've been through whatever it is that's troubling her if it's to do with those silly boy-type people.

I'd better watch what I say though. It seems I have a rather bad habit of saying too much. You know the general foot in mouth disease or where I dig a hole that's so big you can't actually see the bottom looking down. Nightmare. But I blame Mutti and Vati. They brought me up.

When I was younger I definitely had a bad habit of having the horn. The Cosmic one totally. And it totally screwed me up. But now, turning thirty in two months I have no lads. How depressing. Bring back the days of the horn. Well, no I don't mean that but a bit of... dating would be nice perhaps. Unfortuanately a lot of (cough every) guys are put off by the kid factor. Which is stupid because Bry is 13, she's hardly a kid anymore. And she's very mature for her age also.

But guys don't like that. They don't like all the baggage as such. Not that I see Bry as baggage. She is so not baggage. She's super cool with knobs on. And it's good because she gets on with everyone, particularly Libby which works out super duper well for moi because Libby is scheduled to look after her on Thursday night when I'm out at Jas' hen party. (Fabbity fab hen party I should say). They'll have a good time I'm sure. Bry is very excited about it anyway. I'm sure she'll keep Libs entertained she always does. They can have some boring talk about school and reading and crap. Not particularly my cup of tea but hey ho, I'll be up partying it up with the Ace Gang.

The door bell just went so I'm hopping down the stairs to the answer the door. Well not actually hopping as that would be a vair stupid thing to do on the stairs but the point is all there. Watch this for a welcome.

"HELLLLOOOOO-"

Oh my giddy god. Robbie is standing at the door. Looking vair tall and handsomely gorgey if I say so myself. And I so do.

He smiles at me. Swoon. "Hey Georgia."

"Err... h-h-hi." I stutter which just makes Robbie grin more before leaning forward to hug me.

"It's great to see you," he says and I blush. At least I think that's blushing.

I nod like a nodding fool, "I... yeah- you too."

"So... can I come in?" Robbie asks, waiting for me to answer. I nod again and step back so he can follow me in. This is odd. Vair vair odd.

In the kitchen with Robbie. We're sat round the table but it's only ever so slightly... erm what's the word? Ahh what the heck it's gone.

"So are you excited about the wedding?" Robbie says and I avoid his eyes.

"Yeah it's going to be... it'll be... great?" Did I just ask a question?

Robbie's smile disappears from his face and he shuffles his chair around the table so we're sat closer together. Is it hot in here or is it just me?

"You haven't seen him since... everything have you?" Why is Robbie so smart? He seems to know everything.

I want to tell him to shove off because really it's none of his business but I don't because I like Robbie and I don't know if all that is exactly true. "No I haven't." I say and my voice is all quiet like. I wish I had a drink or something to distract myself with. And to stop my throat from feeling so dry all of a sudden.

"You know," Robbie begins, "I... well I'm here for you if you... you know."

I look up then and can't help but meet his eyes seeing as he's not exactly sat a million miles away.

"I know," I say but I don't think I'm all that sure about it. Things have taken a turn for the worse. I don't want to feel this... sad and worried. I want to be happy and... me.

"Did you ever tell anyone? Anyone else I mean?" Robbie says and I'm thinking we've definitely dived in at the deep end here. This is the first time we've seen each other in three or so years. But we're friends so I guess that's ok.

"No," I say and it's the truth. I never told anyone except Robbie what happened. In fact he probably understands things a lot better than me. "I didn't. Did... did you?" Oh crap I can't believe I haven't thought about this. I mean, Robbie said all those years ago that I could trust him. I did trust him. I do trust him.

"No." Robbie answers quickly. Too quickly.

I narrow my eyes. "No?" I question and I can practically hear his heart beat increase. Although maybe that is because we are so close.

"Ok, ok," Robbie says and rubs his eyes with his hands. "When... after we... well I told one person. Tom." Oh lovely.

I push my chair back and go to stand up. "You told Tom?!" I try to yell but due to the dry throat it doesn't work too well. "So Tom will then have told Radio Jas who let's face it will have told the whole bloody world and so really they've known all this time and I-"

"No... no!" Robbie yells and his is actually loud so it makes me jump. "I'm sorry," he says and rubs his head again before standing up and walking over to me. "Tom didn't tell anyone, anyone. Not even Jas," he adds. Probably due to the look on my face.

I sigh and shake my head. I don't really know what for but it felt like the right thing to do.

I can't believe he's coming. Of course I don't realise I've said this out loud but then Robbie says, "Well I guess he had to come sometime."

I look to Robbie and say, "But why now? Things are good now."

He shrugs, "You've got to face it you know. Bryony will learn everything at some point."

"She'll judge me. She's not like me. She's... collected and quite normal in fact. What will she think?"

Robbie starts laughing then which I don't think is very appropriate. Isn't he meant to make me feel better right now? He grabs my hand which takes me by surprise and sort of places it in both of his.

"Gee trust me, Bry is not normal. She's your daughter for god's sake."

I frown. Did he just insult me? Me and Bry? "That's not very-" I begin but Robbie cuts me off.

"Bry is an amazing girl. And he will understand anything that you have to tell her. But you should tell her. You owe her that."

I nod and this time at least I know why I'm nodding. Robbie's right about Bry and pretty much everything. Grr he's so smart it's annoying. I should definitely biff him for this.

Robbie squeezes the hand he's holding and then pulls me into a hug. It's nice but rather... intimate? Yes this time that's definitely the right word.

"Erm Robbie..." I say quietly and he moves away in a flash looking rather upset with himself.

"I'm sorry," he apologises. "I... old habits die hard you know," he tries to joke and smile but it's wavering. Poor Robbie.

And it makes me feel worse than anything so I go to him this time and hug him for a bit longer. It makes us both feel better I think.

"Thank you for... just thanks." I say.

"You're welcome Gee."

Then I heard someone come in. Shit.

Libby

My habits are basically all bad ones. I'll admit that. I'm clumsy, I'm a coward, I worry too much, I bite my nails, I'm really shy... there's a lot more but I really don't want one of my habits to be 'boring people to death'. Although it wouldn't surprise me.

I am possibly one of the most boring people to walk the planet. Especially next to Gee. She seems to always have something going on – some party, something planned, some excited thing in her life. There's always something for her to talk, gossip and muse about with either me or Jas or anyone.

And I guess considering all this I shouldn't really be too surprised to find Robbie and Gee in her kitchen hugging when I barge into the house to see my sister.

Let me refresh because 1) I don't normally 'barge' anywhere and 2) ok there isn't a number two but it sounds so much better than just the one bullet point.

I was round at my friend Charlotte's place this morning. We were just talking about random things; movies we want to see, books we've read, (not usual topics I know but hopefully by now you've realised I'm not exactly normal for an eighteen year-old) birthdays coming up, events, and then came the dreaded topic... university. Of course it had to come up at some point seeing as I was there for around three hours and hot chocolate cannot be drunk without a good chat.

But it was still majorly depressing because Charlotte was just so happy and excited about going to uni in Durham. That's all she could talk about and it was driving me crazy. I can't believe that my friends, the people who should know me the best, don't even realise how nervous I am about uni. I mean, they know that I'm nervous, but they don't seem to register just how nervous.

Because I really am freaking out right now. Izzy and Ellie and Charlotte are all leaving on Friday and we won't see each other in... god knows how many weeks. Who will I talk to? Who will I moan to? I will I go to when I want to escape the mad place that is my own house?

Well I guess I shouldn't bother with that bit too much because in truth I will only be alone for three days untilI go down to Nottingham on Monday. Remember, me going late to Uni? So everyone will have already made friends and I'll be left out. As if I'm not socially handicapped enough already with my abysmal greeting skills.

When Charlotte finally did stop going on about how great Uni life is going to be we decided to ring up the other two and arrange a time to meet up tomorrow as a final goodbye thing. I'm busy Thursday because I have to help Jas move into Gee's house and then I have to watch over Bryony that night because it's Jas' hen party. The hen party I was invited to but politely declined because parties scare me. Especially when they're organised by Gee. Plus things worked out fine anyway because now they have a babysitter.

So tomorrow me, Ellie, Charlotte and Izzy are meeting at Ellie's for a 'celebration' before we go our separate ways. I don't really think its cause for 'celebration'. More like constant worry and scariness in my case. But I'll pretend to be excited because otherwise I'll ruin the mood for the others. And I want it to be a happy send off if a send off is what it must be.

As soon as I left Charlotte's I ran straight to Gee's house. Well of course I didn't actually run but that was just to illustrate how urgent I was. That's the reason I didn't knock or even falter when I "barged" into Gee's house. And I had to go to her because she's the only one who I officially told about my doubts about Uni.

I knew she'd be in the kitchen (with the food) so I didn't even bother to call her name to find her I just ran straight in.

And found her hugging Robbie. Rather... intimately as well. Because clearly there's not enough on everyone's place right now.

They heard me come in because straight away Gee pulled back like Robbie had electrocuted her or something.

"I err... we erm... hi Libs!" She said after that momentary stutter.

I eyed her curiously, "Hello Georiga," I inclined my head towards Robbie. "Robbie."

He smiled up at me. I like Robbie. Obviously we're not exactly close or anything. In fact I think (if Gee's retellings are true) the first time we "met" I talked matters of poo. Still... I like him; he's one of the more sensible people Gee knows.

"Are you erm," Robbie coughed, "Are you ok? It's been a while."

I nodded, "Yeah it has. I'm... I'm good thank-you. Are you?" God small talk is awkward.

"I am yes. Very." He said, "I was just... I was leaving." Robbie waved a goodbye to me and then gave a sort of 'you get that?' look. Hmm I wonder what that's about. Of course if this was any one else I would stay well and truly out of it because it's none of my business and I'm not a nosy person.

But it is Gee. And I can tell from the look on her face she wants me to give her a reason to talk about it or something so I sigh and say, "So... Robbie's home."

Georgia nods frantically and goes to sit down at the kitchen table. I walk over and sit opposite her.

"Yeah," I say, "That's new."

She shrugs, "Yeah. He's...," then she smiles a really... affectionate smile. I didn't even know she had that emotion. Wow. "He's really nice."

"What's up Gee?" I ask her right out because this is confusing me.

Georgia looks up and sighs, "You remember that other day when I came to your room and said that my old boyfriend Dave was coming to the wedding?"

I nod. That was when I mentioned the Uni stuff as well.

"Well that's what's up." Georgia says and I frown.

Why wouldn't want him to come? Or rather why is she so flustered about him coming? I know Robbie's really great and everything but why would this Dave make Georgia worry so much that he has to console her.

Unless of course he is the person who everybody (and by that I mean me, my parents, Jas and Tom) wants to know about. As in the Bryony's dad. Or maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions.

And come to think of it I'm fairly certain people like Jas and Tom know already even if Georgia hasn't exactly told them. I mean, they were there around her when she got pregnant – surely they knew who she was sleeping with at the time. I suppose it could have been Dave. Georgia never really said when they went out so it could have been at that time.

I won't ask her though. I won't pry. She'll tell me when she's ready. Or when she wants to.

"I'm sure everything will be great," I say trying to be positive and cheer Gee up. She does that for me a lot.

She laughs when I say it though and replies with; "Yeah right. Big G is so trying to make everything go ballisticimus."

I'm not even going to pretend like I understand what she just said so I just look at her with a confused expression on my face. Gee laughs again but it's a happier laugh rather than an ironic laugh.

"Are you still nervous about Nottingham?" Georgia asks me. Probably to get the attention away from her – which is strange because normally it's the other way around.

I nod though because it's the truth and I don't lie. And that's not just because I'm an awful liar – although I suppose it does contribute to a bit of the reason.

"If it helps my life is much more sucky right now," Gee says, "or at least it will be in exactly five days when Dave turns up."

"You know that doesn't really help actually," I say and rest my head on my hands, "I don't like to see you worrying about stuff like this," I tell her, "it's all so... normal. You're scaring me."

Gee looks up at me and smiles. And this is nice. Right now.

But of course it'll go awkward soon so I move things on swiftly, "When's Bryony home?"

Georgia checks her wrist for a watch that isn't there then looks to the clock on the wall before saying. "Pretty soon I expect. School finishes now."

Bryony

Callum isn't talking to me. Which is as strange as it is annoying. Callum is always talking to me. I don't think we've fallen out ever. And I didn't even do anything wrong. Ish.

Okay so I may have ever so slightly pushed Nathan into a river while we were out in the fields on Sunday but I really can't be blamed for my actions. Nathan wasn't supposed to be there! Cal didn't tell me he was coming just like with the silly badminton thing the day before. God it's all so messed up. This isn't supposed to be happening. It's meant to be me and Cal not Nathan and Cal. That's just not right.

And now it's after school and I'm waiting for Cal. We've walked home together since year 7 but yesterday he left without me. I'm hoping he won't today. It'd be pretty hard for him to "miss" me as well seeing as I am stood at the school gates. I took a toilet break five minutes early so I could get out. The teachers won't notice.

Callum is walking this way. That's good. Well apart from the fact that he's acting as though he hasn't seen me. I feel like jumping up and down and waving my arm. It's the sort of thing Gee would do. But I really don't think it'd work in this situation.

"Cal!" I said perhaps a tad too loud as he is only about 5 metres away now as he walks past me onto the path. Ok this avoiding me thing is really annoying.

"Callum Cresswell stop ignoring me!" I yelled grabbing his arm so he's now facing me. He doesn't look happy. He looks the opposite of happy. He looks angry. Ouch.

"I don't want to talk to you Bry." He said and I think it was through clenched teeth.

"Why not? Because of Nathan? I can't believe you're letting him get in the middle of us? We promised each other we wouldn't let anyone come between us!"

Callum stopped. That's good. But he still doesn't look any happier. "Nathan isn't the one that's come between us." Ouch I don't like the way he said that. "It's you! And the sooner you realise that the better. I should be allowed to have other friends Bry."

"I don't care whether you have other friends or not," I yelled, "Just why does it have to be Nathan? He's horrible and arrogant and rich and- "

Cal laughed. Not a nice laugh, a horrible, you're-talking-bullshit laugh. I don't like it. "Are you saying he's those things because he's rich?" Oh no. "Is that what you think of me?" I opened my mouth to argue but he beat me to it, "It's got nothing to do with Nathan and you know it. This is just an old habit of yours." Habit? What habit? I don't have any habit of any sort.

"What are you talking about?" I asked to which Cal raised his eyebrows sardonically.

"Every time I get closer to someone, every time you get closer to someone you push them away because you get uncomfortable when it's something unknown."

What? That's a lie. I am very adaptable to change. I think...

"You don't like it when it's more than just the two of us. We're thirteen Bry, it's quite common to have other friends."

"But..." I stuttered, "But I... I don't need anyone else."

Cal stepped back and an apologetic expression appeared on his face. "Maybe I do."

Then he left. He just turned and walked away down the road. Away from me. I stood there like a completely numb and pathetic lemon. Was what Callum said true? About that habit of mine? I've never thought about it before. When I think about my habits I think about the good stuff. Like how I don't need to be a sheep like other girls and spend hours on make-up and my hair; like how I love playing sports and getting dirty doesn't bother me; like how I don't care what anyone thinks of me.

But that last one isn't all true I guess. Because I care what Cal thinks of me. And right now he doesn't think too highly of me apparently. Is it really a subconscious habit of mine to try and push everyone away bar us? I just figured the reason I didn't have any girl friends was because they are all stuck up, pretentious tarts who don't want to do anything for fear of chipping a finger nail.

And Nathan, I know exactly why I don't want to be his friend. He's obnoxious and he's mean and he's... here.

He's walking towards me. Why is he walking towards me? Why is he here?

Oh no wait he does go to this school and the bell did go around 5 minutes ago. I guess he just got out of class late. There's not really anyone else here.

I frowned at him. I thought maybe that would scare him off but alas it didn't. And he looks like he's frowning himself.

Nathan stopped directly in front of me and he's looking at me like I'm the devil or something. "I heard you." Was all he said.

I waited for him to continue but he didn't. This is the part where I would normally (on a good day) have a mature and civil conversation about what he means instead of the comment I did make. "You shouldn't have been listening to other people's conversations. Ever heard of private matters?"

His face didn't change. I don't think he even blinked. What is he made of stone?

"You think you know me Bryony?"

What? "What?" I said slightly (ok really) confused. "What are you talking about?"

"I heard what you said about me. What you think of me."

"Oh," I said. This is weird. Every time we've had a verbal or ever so slightly physical fight (i.e. me pushing him in the water) in the past he's been light-hearted about it. This is... different.

"You know nothing about me ok," he growled, "nothing. So maybe in the future you'll think twice before judging people."

Then he left. In exactly the same way Callum had done about two minutes earlier. Well ok, maybe with a bit more anger. Cal seemed a bit sad when he had gone. But Nathan... he's just angry. I think.

Should I apologise? I don't think that I want to because I really don't like him except there's this really weird feeling in my stomach and I don't like that even more.

I started to run in order to catch up with him so I could at least say sorry but just as I got there he spun round to face me. He's definitely spooky like that.

"And for the record," he said and I could see his knuckles clenched beside him, "I don't like you very much either right now. I think it's you that's the arrogant one and too obsessed with your own little world and friends to see anything on the outside. Why don't you try opening your eyes once in a while eh? You're just a stupid little –"

Nathan stopped talking. Very suddenly. Which is annoying because despite the fact that my eyes are now filled with water I quite want to hear what he has to say. What he thinks I am.

I can't believe I'm nearly crying. I can't believe Nathan just said all that stuff. That's all the stuff I think about him. I can't... I can't believe... why did he say that?

Down by the river. This is where I come to think. It's mine and Cal's place. Our own secret place. Which is why I was so annoyed when he brought Nathan here on Sunday.

I can't stop thinking about what Nathan said to me. Because if it is true (although obviously there's a high chance it isn't) then is means that I've somehow become all the things I never wanted to be and all the things I hate. I don't know how any of this happened. Things are screwed up.

Stupid Cal, stupid Nate, stupid me, stupid habits.

Robbie

It seems I have some rather unfortunate habits.

I think I'm doing ok, fine, good. I think I've moved on and have another life and everything is different and fresh and new and exciting.

And then I see her again. Both of them. And in that split second my whole "new" life collapses and I'm back in the same place I was all those years ago. Well, maybe not exactly the same place as Bryony wasn't around then. But I go back. And there's something inside of me that urges me that this is where I want to be. Around people like this.

So I went to see Georgia today. Unfortunately Bry wasn't there but I'm sure I'll catch up with her sooner or later. I love to spend time with her. She's really a special kid; I could only wish to spend more time with her other than the limited amount we've had in the past. Although that has only been due to my work circumstances and all the travelling I do.

And Gee is worried out her mind about Dave. She should have spoken to him many, many years ago of course but after what happened I guess neither of them had the guts to be the first one to talk. Not that I have much room for that. Talking, I mean. If it wasn't for me... well things wouldn't exactly but easy but they'd be easier at least.

But again, that's just another bad habit of mine. I try to be smart and head wise and sensible. It's almost ironic that I end up in the stickiest of situations when you think about it. But there's nothing I can do about any of that now I guess.

I'm so confused. There's something about Georgia Nicolson that draws me to her. I couldn't stay away if I tried. And Bryony, she's just the same. I feel so much love for them it's unreal. I only wish them happiness.

But that's not the problem. I know that I love Bryony and Georgia. The thing that's troubling me is in what way I love Gee. Obviously there's something there from our past that is hard to forget; especially for me. But still, maybe it's just friend love? Or protective love? I care about her so much, I just want to make sure she's ok for the future.

(I have a habit of doing that – stepping in and trying to take sort things when I care about something. I've done it before and I'll probably do it again. Repeatedly.)

But then there's the chance that actually I do love Georgia. And in that way. Maybe when I look at her I imagine that it's us together raising Bry and tackling problems that come our way. And when I think of this, and wonder if this is how I actually feel (because I really don't know) it makes me wonder something else.

It makes me wonder how our lives would have panned out if Georgia had accepted my marriage proposal all those years ago when I first found out she was pregnant.

ahhhhh it's all getting great! :P

horns out ;)