What If? – Chapter 3
Disclaimer: Oops! Forgot this for the first two chapters – anyway clearly I do not own Grey's Anatomy otherwise I would not be sitting at home job hunting on a Monday afternoon!
A.N: Wow! Thank you so much to all those who reviewed and put alerts on this story – it really made my day! It's also given my confidence a much needed boost. Also thanks for the suggestions for more 'what ifs' – I'm hoping to have time to use a couple of them – keep them coming. So here's another what if starting with one of my all time favourite MerDer scenes – I have never seen so much emotion conveyed using so few words, Patrick and Ellen did such an amazing job. Anyway here goes...
What if the elevator had stopped after Meredith says 'I miss you' at the end of Let It Be (2x08)?
"I miss you"
There, she'd said it. She couldn't meet his eyes as she got on an elevator again that day and not say it. Especially now when he looked so...well, broken was the only way to describe it. This was her taking charge of her own fate. She was fighting back. If fate wanted her to keep being left alone with Derek Shepherd, in an elevator no less, then she was going to say the one thing that could tip the scales in her favour. And now, he knew. He needed to know, because he was her otter or vole or whatever other creature Esme had said when she was talking about animals that mate for life.
Derek, standing just behind her was desperately fighting the impulse to wrap his arms around her tiny frame and tell her everything was going to be okay, that he missed her as well, and that she wasn't the only one living in this hellish state of longing. He took a deep breath, her flowery scent overwhelming his senses. He leaned closer, craving more but also savouring her nearness, knowing that he only had a few seconds before the chiming of the elevator would bring him crashing back to reality. As she flinched away the rational part of Derek's brain sprang back to life and started screaming 'married' over and over. An overwhelming feeling of hopelessness came over Derek until he managed to choke out two words - "I can't."
Derek began to move forward to exit the elevator but before the doors could open there was a sudden jerk. Derek and Meredith were thrown sideways and the elevator was plunged into complete darkness. Derek winced as he pulled himself into a sitting position, "Meredith, are you alright?" he asked feeling around him for some idea of where she was but he jumped back when she yelled in surprise.
"Sorry," Derek apologized quickly "I was just trying to see if you were okay"
"By groping me?" Meredith quipped back more angry at herself than him for the feelings his accidental groping had stirred up inside of her.
"Clearly," Derek shot back "I didn't do it on purpose. I couldn't see where you were"
They both sat fuming silently for a few seconds before Derek said softly "are you hurt?"
"No, not physically anyway" Meredith muttered the last part under her breath, while silently cursing her own stupidity for allowing herself to say the three words she should have known would make karma bite her in the ass by getting her stuck in an elevator, in the dark, with the one man she couldn't have. She allowed silent tears to spill over and run down her cheeks taking comfort in the fact that Derek couldn't see her. Derek heard the last part and a fresh pang of guilt shot through him. The silence was broken again by the shrill beep of a pager and they were both briefly illuminated by the tiny light coming from the screens. "It's me" Derek said glancing up and noticing the tears which were rolling down Meredith's cheeks. "Mer..."
"Just don't Derek" she said swiping the tears away with her hands. "Who's paging you anyway? Someone who could help us get out of here?"
Derek sighed and let it go, he had no right to demand an explanation for her tears especially when he was fairly sure he already knew what it was. "It's the Chief. I'll try phoning him. I don't think the alarm button is working – or at least it won't be if you keep hitting it with that much force." Derek smiled at the sound of Meredith furiously pressing every button on the console as hard as she could. She was muttering words that he didn't even know could come from her and chuckled "Dr Grey, that language is highly inappropriate" he teased and Meredith smiled knowing that Derek couldn't see her. In the dark Meredith felt it was okay to let her guard down, on one could see her, no one had to know. It was what she told herself laying in the dark when she couldn't sleep – if no one can see you, it doesn't have to be real. Meredith was growing to like the dark; it was a time of strange unreality for her – she used it to dream, to think about the way her life would have been if Derek had picked her or if Addison had never existed. Though she was smiling her voice remained cold when she replied "just phone the Chief already. I need to get out of here."
Derek's phone cast an eerie green glow across his face as he scrolled through his contacts looking for the right number. Meredith noticed the dark circles round his eyes, made even more prominent by the glow from the phone. His face was still handsome but he looked worn and haggard, like he wasn't getting enough sleep. He was still McDreamy just not her McDreamy.
"Richard...I know you paged me, that's why I'm calling...I'm stuck in one of the elevators...the power must have gone, there's not light and the alarm's not working...No, Mer..I mean, Dr Grey is with me...Okay, thanks Richard." Derek flipped his phone shut and the last light in the elevator was snuffed out leaving them alone in the darkness. Meredith manoeuvred herself so that she was sitting with her back against the wall opposite the spot where she assumed Derek was and sighed "we're going to be here a while aren't we?"
"You know Richard; he was probably trying to save money for some new machine and after the power went out last time he was supposed to replace the back-up generator but whatever company he chose to do it said they were so busy that the work would have to wait three weeks"
"So no new back-up generator, the elevator breaks again, we're stuck here until they can get someone out here to get the doors open...great!"
As they lapsed into silence again Meredith started once again to think about fate, it got her this time – maybe she should take the chance she had been given, take advantage of the darkness so that when they stepped out of the elevator Derek could actually know what she was feeling without it having to be real outside of this elevator. Leaving the elevator would be like waking up from a dream, except unlike when she was dreaming she was in control of what happened here.
But before she had a chance to speak Derek said "I can't miss you, it's not that I don't miss you, because I do - you have no idea how much, but I can't, because I'm married. He slammed his hand against the floor next to him in sheer frustration. "I have all these feelings and I can't tell anyone because of this ring, because I made promises. Promises that she couldn't even respect enough to keep but that she uses against me whenever she can..." Derek paused unsure of whether or not he had gone too far but Meredith spoke up. "It's okay Derek, this elevator...it's Vegas, anything you say stays in here. It's easier to admit what you actually feel when no one can see you, it seems less real."
As his eyes adjusted to the dark he could just make out Meredith slouched against the elevator wall opposite. Carefully, like he was approaching a wild animal that could run away at any moment, he moved across to sit beside her, their bodies just touching and she didn't move away. The contact between them was making Meredith's head go cloudy; she couldn't think straight, it was like she had had too much tequila only she wouldn't have to deal with the hangover.
"You're a good man, Derek. Keeping a promise. You wouldn't be you if you weren't trying to save your marriage. It means I wasn't wrong about you." As soon as the words left her mouth she wondered where they had come from, was she really encouraging Derek to stay with his wife, to keep trying? The world had obviously gone mad – here she was, stuck in an elevator with the man she had been pining for for weeks, drunk on his body's proximity to her and she was telling him to go home to his wife. If it was happening to anyone else she would have thought it was funny but it wasn't. Once again, Meredith Grey had the universe laughing at her – sticking her in an elevator with the man she loved knowing, all the while, that the doors of the elevator opened he had a wife waiting for him – whatever got said, however many feelings were revealed, at the end of the day he would be going home with somebody else.
"What if I regret my choice?"
The words hung in the air between them as if they were encased in a cartoon speech bubble.
"You can't Derek. Not now. Not when I know as soon as we leave this elevator and get back to reality you won't regret it at all." Anyone observing this scene would have sworn that they heard two hearts shatter at that moment. Meredith, thanking her lucky stars that it was dark allowed her tears to fall freely and it wasn't until she felt Derek's shoulders shudder next to her that she realised he was doing the same. Meredith suddenly thought that maybe she wasn't the only one who was broken; slowly she put her hand against his cheek and brushed the tears away. Derek caught her hand in his and held it there as he leaned towards Meredith and kissed her so lightly she wasn't even sure it had happened.
At that moment the lights flickered back to life and the elevator shuddered and finished its descent. Meredith and Derek scrambled to their feet and tried to make themselves presentable. When the doors opened Addison practically flew into the elevator and threw her arms around Derek. "I'm fine, Addie, it was just a broken down elevator" Derek said watching Meredith over her shoulder. Meredith exited the elevator slowly, completely used to the fact that once the lights came on fantasies dissolved. She simply nodded her head at Derek, said "good night, Dr Shepherd" and made her way to the locker room, grateful that she didn't meet anyone on the way.
That night Meredith lay on her bed face turned towards the window watching the rain as it trickled down the window. Car headlights shone through the window illuminating the room briefly before they continued on their way, then one stopped outside the house, the lights blazing into the dark room and not fading like the others had done – someone had stopped outside the house. Knowing Izzie and George were both on call Meredith dragged herself out of bed and made her way downstairs reaching the bottom just as the doorbell rang. She opened the door to find Derek, still in his navy blue scrubs standing expectantly on her front porch. "Derek, what are you doing here?"
"I just come from the hospital, obviously" he gestured to his appearance "I wanted to see you before you left but I had things to take care of and by the time I'd finished you'd gone"
Meredith nodded and stepped aside allowing Derek into her house. She shut the door and turned to find Derek placing an envelope in her hands. She looked up confused. "Open it," he said gently. She broke the seal and looked inside. She pulled out a sheaf of papers – the Shepherd's divorce papers. Not quite willing to believe it she turned to the final page where she was faced with two signatures. She looked at Derek, too stunned to speak. Derek spoke, answering all the questions she had been too afraid to ask "these are just copies, the originals are already with the lawyers, i dropped them off this evening."
"But why? What happened to the trying?"
Derek cupped her face with his hands and whispered "because I don't want us to only exist in the dark. I told Addison that you were never a fling. You were not revenge. I fell in love with you and that never changed even if I had to try with her. I thought that if I waited long enough it would pass but I was an idiot. I've been in love with you forever – so once this divorce is final I'm begging you – pick me, Meredith. Love me."
The tears that had gathered in Meredith's eyes finally spilled over as she grabbed the front of Derek's scrub top and pulled him into a searing kiss and releasing, in that one moment, weeks of repressed feelings – pain, anger, hope, love. When they finally broke apart they stared at each other both reeling from the emotional roller coaster of the past 24 hours. The stood in silence until Meredith took Derek's hand and led him upstairs to her room. As they crossed the threshold Meredith turned, smiled at Derek, eyes twinkling with unshed tears and switched on the light. This time, it was going to be real.