(On the Plane to Sporks)

(Over the Intercom)

"...to unlock the belt simply lift up on the metal flap..."

I was complacently watching the flight instruction video when I realized something. The guy I was sitting next to looked a lot like my weird uncle on Phil's side. I was going to let it go but he some how recognized me. Even weirder, he had missed the last family reunion where my mom created her own grinding line and I swore to hide in the shadows whenever we were in public together, but he still remembered me.

"Hey Bella! Is that you? Oh, of course it's you!" He yelled into my ear.

"Yeah... So uh, whats going on with uh, you...?" I replied stammering, trying to regain some of my hearing.

"Oh, ever since your mom's hooked up with Philly, I've been traveling..." He droned on and on about his dog Cuttles... or was it Cuddles? I wasn't really paying attention. Truthfully, I couldn't even remember his name. I should really work on my people skills. But in the mean time, and since I'm not really listening to this guy, why don't I do another monologue?

Here I was, on a plane to Seattle, then to Sporks, the dreariest place in the continental U.S. Why was I here?

Ummm...

It had something to do with being a selfless person...

Did I have a dad up there? Maybe...

But I had left Phoenix, my mother and my life. Not that I had done anything with it... am I always this negative? Oh, well, NOTHING weird would EVER happen to me in Sporks.

I miss Arizona already. I always will. Some part of me will always treasure the burning sun, the dead barren rock and the beautiful blue sky. Dear god! Am I bi-polar? Why didn't my mom ever take me in... oh. Because she's "eccentric".

"What do ya think of that, Bella?" Weird Uncle Dude asked. He sounded excited for some reason.

Crap! I wasn't paying attention. I should just answer yes. No, that doesn't even sound like a legitimate answer! Shut up Brain! I'm trying to think! Suddenly, an idea flashed inside my head. But it was really just the overhead reading light.

I pretended to fall asleep. Sure the back of the chair was leaning into me, but after a while the scratchy blue fabric was actually quite comfortable. Pretending to be asleep was easier than I imagined, AND it seemed to work. I didn't hear anything more from Weird Uncle Dude. Then I felt him slump on my shoulder and start snoring.

Crap.

I was willing to put up with him sleeping on me until I felt some wet drool fall onto my blue military jacket. Desperately, I waved for the nearest flight attendant to rescue me. When she was finally close enough I was nearly crying.

"Could I please sit somewhere else?" I whispered urgently.

The flight attendant took a sympathetic look at me and slowly shook her head. "I'm sorry ma'am but we have a full plane. I guess you'll have to ride this out."

WHEN WAS THE PAIN GOING TO END?! I was covered in slobber from an estranged family member and I had just left my mom with Phil, the Lawn Nazi. I was feeling very lonely and isolated in that cramped plane seat.

I diligently struggled through Weird Uncle Dude murmuring in his sleep and his constant stream of drool. I almost lost it when he started groping my arm and whispering, "Good Cuddles... OH! VERY GOOD Cuddles..."

Everywhere I looked, people were staring at me with empathetic looks on their faces. Like most of them have had a perverted Weird Uncle Dude groping their arm and drooling on them as they were being stared by most of the flight.

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN!

But then I was saved by the intercom again.

"We are about fifteen minutes to touch down. If any of you would like to use the restroom before we land, that is really too bad. Should a done that fifteen minutes ago, yeah."

Weird Uncle Dude didn't move an inch, but just to hear that the end was near was like angels singing.

"Oh, the weather in Seattle is deary, rainy and wet. Jus' so ya know. No wonder the suicide rate is so high here."

Everybody on the plane froze. I think I saw one guy being restrained by his wife. He was spewing something sounding like, "Wha he say 'bout Seattle? I'm a kill that motherfu-"

I saw him take something shiny out of his pocket. It looked like a knife! I started unbuckle my belt in the hopes that I might be able to sacrifice myself and save the plane. But then I saw that it was just a scissor. Ahh, thank you homeland security.

I relaxed deeper into my seat. Weird Uncle Dude was still drooling on me and everyone else in the plane was tense with anger, embarrassment and even arousal (God damn Weird Uncle Dude...).

Another voice came onto the intercom after a few awkward moments later.

"Uh, sir, the intercom was still on."

"I don't care. Hey, look! Ehrm." (His voice suddenly became authoritative and knowledgeable) "Everyone, if you would look towards the left of the plane you will see some psychopath jumping off the radio tower! Welcome to the Seattle airport everyone!" He sounded strangely cheerful.

Weird Uncle Dude started to wake up at that instant.

"Hurmph...Huga...Hey! Hey, Bella, what'd I miss?"

I face-palmed myself. What had I gotten into?