Apprehension

Chapter Two: A Long Way

(Bella's POV)

Always a gentleman, Jasper held the door open for me as I got into the car. It was a car I didn't recognize; no doubt part of the Cullen family's vast collection of automobiles. I didn't bother taking notice to the make or model, since the information would just go over my head anyway. I did notice that it was a two-door and the shiny dark color of gunmetal. I assumed it was ten times faster and more responsive than my ancient truck – well, it was probably more so after Rosalie's tinkering. I smiled nervously as Jasper settled into the driver's seat. Absently, I noticed that he had arrived at the other side of the car with human speed. He didn't flash eagerly from my door to his like Edward always did. I attributed this to the lack of enthusiasm Jasper responded with at first when I'd asked him to come with me to Port Angeles.

"Are you hungry? Should we stop for food first?" Jasper asked as we pulled out of the long driveway. I smiled at his consideration.

"I'm not so hungry now, but maybe before we head back?"

"Sure."

I wondered if Edward nagged his siblings to keep me well fed before he left on his big hunting trip with the rest of the family.

We rode in silence most of the way there, which was turning out to be about half the time it would have taken if Jasper hadn't been driving like a maniac. I tried to ignore it though, not feeling comfortable enough to scold him like I would with Edward or Alice. We were now passing Piedmont, so we'd probably arrive at our destination in another fifteen minutes.

I cleared my throat awkwardly, and saw Jasper clench the steering wheel tightly in response. I immediately clamped my lips together. I would have to be more careful around Jasper, more considerate about his struggle. I felt sympathy for him, knowing it was a constant battle to be this close to me. I started to regret dragging him with me, but I'd really wanted to spend some time with him. We didn't have the best relationship, but I respected him and I felt a great amount of gratitude towards him after he helped to protect me from James. I shuddered as I thought the name, starting to remember that horrific day. Suddenly I felt myself getting calmer, and I smiled gratefully at Jasper.

"Sorry…" Jasper said suddenly. I frowned. What could he possibly be sorry for?

"Huh?" I responded dumbly.

"Well, I know I can be… scary. But I really am in control, Bella. I hope that assures you." Jasper looked at me then, his eyes sincere. I wished he'd keep his eyes on the road. He seemed to be driving even faster now than he was before.

"Oh, no Jasper! Those feelings weren't towards you. I was just remembering something…" I explained quickly, sad that he thought I was scared of him.

"Oh… I see." I saw him relax slightly. "Can I ask what you were thinking about?"

"I was thinking about how thankful I was that you and Alice had been there to protect me in Phoenix. The words you said to me… about me being worth saving, for Edward's sake." I smiled. "But that of course led to thoughts about James." I shuddered again and then felt Jasper's calming effect soothe me. "Thanks, again."

Jasper smiled at me, and we enjoyed a comfortable silence for the next few minutes before he started speaking again.

"Bella," he paused as if not knowing how to continue. "I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am… about what happened on your birthday. As I said before, I've always been the weakest link when it comes to our 'vegetarian' life style. I was so ashamed at my actions that evening, and you have to know that I have never wanted to harm you in any way whatsoever. I could never… consciously… do that to you, or Edward - or Alice, for that matter. I felt such remorse after what I put Edward through. The pain… I could feel it in my brother every day. I can't imagine what you were feeling while we were away. Then, when you and Alice risked your lives to save Edward, I dreaded the possibility that either of you could be hurt… Because of me."

I was overwhelmed by his sudden honesty and sincerity, but most of all his undue remorse. "Oh, Jasper please don't blame yourself for anything that happened back then." I didn't really want to dwell on the time I'd spent without Edward and his family in my life, or the events that happened in Volterra. "It's really water under the bridge. I know you weren't yourself when you..." I struggled to find the right words that wouldn't make him seem like some untamed animal. "…When you faltered. I don't blame you or anyone else… I just wish you and Edward could just understand that." Of course, Jasper wasn't the only one constantly racked with guilt over what had happened. "But I'm glad that you've found control – I know it's been hard for you with me constantly around. I hope you didn't feel obligated to accompany me tonight."

"Not at all, Bella. I welcome the opportunity to spend time with you. As I mentioned in Phoenix, you have made such a wonderful impression on our family. You've truly made Edward feel complete – I know that without a shadow of a doubt. You have been wonderful to him, and I truly see you as a little sister."

"Thank you, Jasper, you don't know how much it means to me to hear that. Sometimes I've wondered if… well, if you even liked me at all." I admitted sadly.

"I'm so sorry if I made you feel that way. It isn't the case at all. You're very dear to me, as you are with every other member in my family."

"Well, I'm not sure about every member of the family." I smiled knowingly.

"No, Bella, even Rosalie respects and loves you. Not all the time, admittedly – but that's truly just her nature. She sometimes hates the rest of us too." He sighed, and I wondered about that. Did Rosalie really hate her family at times?

"I can't see that. Why would she hate any of you? You're her family." My voice was getting higher pitched.

"Well… Rosalie hates this life, and we happen to be in it. She does love us, but at times when she is feeling sorry for herself, she hates us for being what we are."

"But doesn't that mean she should hate herself too?"

"Yes, and she does. But like I said, that's only some of the time. You have to understand she didn't choose this life. None of us did, but she really detests being a vampire." He paused for a moment. "Maybe it's more correct to say that she hates not being human."

I thought then about the night the family casted their votes for or against my future immortality. Rosalie had voted against it, and her words came to me now.

"I don't mean that I have any aversion to you as a sister. It's just that… this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone there to vote no for me."

Jasper was speaking again. "The truth is that Rosalie began to love you the day you saved us from an eternity without Edward."

More of Rosalie's words sprung to mind…

"I'm so very sorry, Bella. I feel wretched about every part of this, and so grateful that you were brave enough to go save my brother after what I did."

I was beginning to understand Rosalie now. I wondered if my insistence in becoming what she hated so much was the reason why she was still so cold to me. Or… maybe it was because I was currently what she wanted so desperately to be? Human? No, she couldn't be jealous of me. I was plain. She was a goddess, or it seemed that way at least on the outside. Maybe it was the fact that I was willing to give up my humanity so quickly. It struck me then… Rosalie was disappointed in me. And her personality turned her disappointment into anger. I wondered if our relationship would ever get better, and the chances of that made me sad. No, I didn't see Rosalie and I ever being close. It was a shame, knowing that I would soon be spending an eternity with her and the rest of her family, and we would never be as close as I was with Alice.

"Bella?" Jasper's voice interrupted my thoughts. I snapped out of it, and realized we'd arrived at the bookstore and he was now waiting at my side, with my door open for me. I wondered how Jasper knew which bookstore I wanted to go to.

"How," I started to ask before he cut me off.

"Alice called me before we left."

"Oh." I guess that meant Alice also told him that he wouldn't lose control in my presence, which was probably why we were even here together. That comforted me, but I immediately regretted thinking that there was even a possibility that Jasper would hurt me, after the conversation we just had.

Jasper held his hand out for me, and as I took it, he helped me out of the car. I grinned happily… that was the first physical contact I think we've ever had.

We were really coming a long way.

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