Kaiba's Letter to 4Kids

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-gi-oh! at all. That's too bad. Nor do I own 4Kids, but that's ok. Who would want to? I also do not own the abridged series, but I'm portraying Kaiba as he is in YGOTAS. Cuz 4Kids Kaiba is an annoying ass prick (No offense, Kaiba lovers.). So any quotes that resemble something out of Little Kuriboh's Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series are probably paraphrases. Sorry but I personally have no comedic talent.

Dear 4Kids,

Let's just get this over with. You suck. Seriously, you have no idea how to run Yu-gi-oh!. I mean look at me! I'm a F***ing God and I'm only in the show like 50% of the time. I guess that's not entirely 4Kids' fault, but still... Why the hell is the protagonist a friggin' midget? How old is Yugi anyway...8? He's still Michael Jackson material. And isn't there supposed to be people who die in this show? Where the hell are they? It's almost like Pokémon, except instead of mystical creatures that haunt the imagination of an autistic Asian kid, it's a frickin' children's card game. No one ever dies! Sure, some people are "sent to the shadow realm", which is really just a nice way of saying their souls were extracted and banished to hell, but it's not the same. If you read the manga, the first chapter involves Yugi getting the living snot kicked out of him, then blackmailed, and then he finally finishes the Millennium Puzzle after eight years of foolish fiddling and has the pharaoh play a game with a highlander involving a knife and a wad of cash, in which the player stabs the wad and tries to stick as much money as possible-- which is totally f***ing ridiculous because I have too much money to see the logic in it, if there is any-- and when the moron finally realizes that in order to get all the money he'd have to stab his own hand, he decides to turn on the pharaoh. Really he would have been doing us all a favor in stabbing him. It's not like anyone actually likes him for anything other than yaoi and awkward pairings in fan fictions. That scene is entirely skipped over in the show, probably because it was too violent or confusing for children under the age of 40 to view.

And I do I even need to bring up the character's voices? They're horribly chosen. Why the HELL is Yugi always yelling? It makes no f***ing sense. If I didn't have too much money to talk to him, this would be a normal conversation:

Yugi: HEY KAIBA. SO, NICE WEATHER WE'RE HAVING, HUH?

Kaiba: I'm right here, why the hell are you yelling?

Yugi: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? THIS IS MY NORMAL SPEAKING VOICE. SO ANYWAY I WAS JUST WONDERING, WE'RE HAVING A DUEL AFTER SCHOOL, EVEN THOUGH WE PROBABLY SHOULD BE STUDYING FOR EXAMS SEEING AS TO HOW WE'RE NEVER THERE. ANYWAY, DO YOU WANNA JOIN US?

Kaiba: no, that would stifle my massive ego by a yoctogram^. I think I'd rather take Mokaba to see the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie, even though I despise singing chipmunks with every cell in my body, but because I have much more money than they could ever dream of having, it would be fine.

Yugi: WELL OK THEN, I'LL SEE YOU LATER I GUESS.

Kaiba: Ya ya just shut the f*** up.

I mean seriously, it's just ridiculous. I think Little Kuriboh got Yugi's voice mixed up with that guy with green hair from my contest in season whatever. Honestly, even when's he's talking to his yami he's yelling. That guy must get migraines; I certainly do, and I have to spend large sums of my money just buying Advil, which is just another reason why I hate him. But if you REALLY want to talk about annoying, what's up with Marik's voice? Both he and his yami sound totally stupid. He has a voice only a mother could love, if she were alive to give a damn. Even Little Kuriboh had problems with it, with his "British powers" or whatever he has. Speaking of British nerds, have I mentioned Bakura's voice? Really 4Kids why the f*** does he have a British accent? His name is RYOU BAKURA. It's Japanese. What kind of bulls*** were you trying to pull? In the Japanese version, he uses honorifics. It makes sense. There's even an episode in the English version where he says "Cheerio". Why the hell would any Japanese person say "Cheerio"? It's just stupid. So what if you wanted to make him sound polite? You could have done what any smart company would have done and decide that he would be quiet. But British? I should fire you right now, but I don't have the motivation or the authority to do so, but if I did, you would be so screwed. Don't you know that British accents equal a crap load of fan girls? Just because he's British, he automatically receives like a bazillion fan girls, which means I now have less than him. And I'm Seto Freaking Kaiba. I should be able to turn straight guys gay! Wait forget I said that. I'm not gay.

Anyway, I don't have anymore time to waste ranting to you about how horrible you are. I'm going to make this easy for you: Either get off the air and return those anime that you messed up to normal or I'm going to sue your ass. And don't think I won't do it, because I will. I told you. I'm Seto Freaking Kaiba. Now go drop off the face of the Earth. And if you dare try to kidnap my brother and I have to go get him, you're so dead.

--- Seto Kaiba

Owner of Kaiba Corps.

So there you have it! Sorry if Kaiba's personality is slightly inaccurate. He's hard to impersonate. Review and comment please!! Kthxbai!