(author's note: I apologize for the delay in this update. I'm offline right now and have been for a few months. I had to print this chapter off my home computer and retype it onto this computer in order to upload it. I hope you appreciate the effort. And I hope this chapter was at least worth the wait. LOL)

Chapter Thirteen

When Lex awoke he found that his face and pillow were damp with tears. With angry frustration he wiped at his eyes. "Shit." He muttered and sat up quickly.

It had been three years since he'd thought of Siva's death. Three years since he'd made up his mind to shut down the pain and every emotion connected to it. For three years he walked through life experiencing only a bland equilibrium of melancholy. He'd managed to prevent himself from feeling the extreme highs of pleasure and the lows of pure sadness. Now here with Trudy and Brady, somehow their very presence tapped those emotions buried so deep within himself. He was feeling genuine happiness for the first time in years. unfortunately you can't have the good without the bad and Lex was also rediscoverinjg the pain of ultimate loss.

Looking around Lex realized it was still dark and that the sounds of Trudy coughing were what awoke him. Pulling on Kye's jumper, he quietly slipped downstairs and found Trudy trying to sleep on the couch. She looked terrible and from the sound of her congestion he guessed that she'd caught a cold. Despite his attempts to be quiet, Trudy seemed to sense his presence immediately and opened her eyes.

"Did I wake you?" She asked hoarsely. Shaking his head Lex glanced at the fire, Siva's scream still echoing in his ears. Trudy peered at him through the semi darkness. "Are you alright?" She narrowed her eyes in concern. "You look awful."

"Didn't sleep well." He mumbled quietly.

This she could have guessed for herself and Trudy stared at Lex, taken aback by the transformation in hikm. Normally only a hint of his deep sadness showed in his eyes but now... well now his whole body was steeped in some unexplained pain, the sheer weight of it threatening to crush the breath from him.

"Lex?" She whispered.

He didn't answer, only silently sat on the edge of the couch, his eyes transfixed by the flames. He was reminded of another fire that almost took his life, one on a mountain oh so many years ago. Lex's lips parted just so and he let out an inaudible gasp as Siva's echoing scream was joined by another... Zandra. How similar were their deaths. Lex could still remember going through the motions of each: seeking out their bodies in the blackened ash, digging their graves in the hardened earth, putting the women he loved to rest long before their time, staring at the grave markers that would remain for years after the bodies within had turned to dust... He'd been spared such acts with Taisan but the pain of her loss was even greater. With Taisan it hadn't been instant, instead he had to continually lose a piece of her every day... her scent, the teaste of her mouth, her caress, her laugh, every discreet little moan and facial expression she made when making love, the light in her eyes, her voice... for nearly a year until she'd all but disappeared from him entirely.

Lex squeezed his eyes shut as all three of their faces danced before him, their smiles mocking his pain. He'd spent many years running from this, thinking that if he ignored it, it would fade into oblivion. That was the only way he'd ever dealt with his sorrow, a habit left over from childhood. Instead the pain of loss had deepened and the agony was consuming him. Lex now wanted more than ever to lash out, to punish someone... something... as he'd done in his youth.

Trudy watched him stand now slightly frightened by the pain that contorted his handsome features. He paced randomly like a caged lion not sure what to do with himself, all the while a silent fury building up within. Lex couldn't get their faces out of his head and the mixture of anger and sadness was overwhelming. Without warning he grabbed the closest thing in reach, an oil lantern, and smashed it against the wall with a frustrated cry.

"Fuck!"

Jumping in fright, Trudy watched as Lex slumped to the floor in front of the couch in defeat. He knew his small tantrum had done nothing other than allow him to vent some pent up frustration. Nothing had been solved and at the moment Lex didn't know if anything ever would be. for a few silent minutes Trudy stared at him wondering whether she should speak. She wasn't sure what she could possible say since she didn't even know what it was that seemed to be hurting Lex so much. She needn't have worried herself since Lex was the first to speak.

"Why are you here Trudy?"

His quiet question caught her off guard and trudy coughed before responding. "What?"

Lex turned eyes filled with unrecognizable emotion toward her. "What are you doing here? Why didn't you listen to Hawk and go to the Gaians? Why are you raising Brady here on this farm? Why are you alone Trudy?" Lex drew closer, the intensity of his expression making her tremble. Without thought he embraced her hands with an earnest desperation. Trudy's breath caught in her throat as Lex's eyes flickered over her features in the dim firelight. "Why haven't you settled down with someone who loves you? Some man who loves you with his every breath... loves you so much it aches not to have you near him? Why are you here?" He finished in a whisper, his lips now only inches from hers.

He wanted to kiss her. lex had wanted to kiss her almost from the moment when he first awoke. Even when they were young the desire to feel her lips against his own, to taste the sweetness of her mouth had been strong. There had always been a desperate wanting in Trudy's eyes that Lex felt undeniably drawn to. Her melancholy expression called for someone and despite knowing he was the worst candidate, lex had always longed to respond to that call. Closing his eyes, Lex paused long enough to relish the feel of her staggered breath on his mouth before moving away. He wasn't good enough for her then and nothing, not even time,had changed that.

If he'd taken a moment Lex might have caught the look in disappointment on Trudy's face. As it was she recovered quickly, swallowing any desire to feel Lex's hands on her body. "I've never known a love like that." She finally answered, her voice tinged with unspoken sadness. "I stayed here because... because I needed to learn to stand on my own. All my life people have taken care of me. first my parents, then Bray. "She paused. "If it hadn't been for Bray and the rest of the mallrats, brady and i wouldn't have made it."

"That's not true." Lex defended quietly.

"It is." She insisted. "I didn't know how to be strong. believe it or not, despite how horrible we were to each other, I was glad you were there... protecting us." She and lex caught eyes for a moment. "I mean no matter how mean you were or how much I thought you hated all of us, you were always the first in line to defend us against whatever threat that came."

"I was just defending what was mine." Lex said with slight irritation. "My actions were nothing more than a selfish desire to have control."

"Not selfish Lex..." Trudy shook her head and coughed once again. "Not all the time. You weren't selfish when you tried to stop the Chosen from taking me, or when you came to save Bray on the beach, or the time you saved us all from Top Hat even though you were sick, or when you started that riot at the Tribal Gathering and got yourself beat up just so Amber and Dal could get away... You had nothing to gain from those sacrifices Lex. You just did them because it's part of who you are."

For a moment Lex was silent before replying. "Don't make me out to be some sort of hero Trudy."

"I'm not." She coughed indignantly. "I'm just saying... I've never been that strong. Why do you think I fed into all that Chosen propoganda? I didn't know how to stand up to them. And I was scared of losingthe only person in the world who needed me... loved me." Trudy's eyes misted over as she thought of her daughter. "I let that fear control me and so many people suffered for it. And then you all rescued me again, like always. The Mallrats always looked after me. As a group you all took better care of Brady than I did." Lex looked at Trudy then suddenly realizing just how much guilt she was still clinigng to. "When Mega made that offer, about the New City, it felt like we were breaking up as a tribe. I lost that sense of security so I took Brady to the one other place where we could be safe."

"The Ecos."

Trudy nodded. "i knew they'd look after me. Hawk told me I was always welcome. Then fate led us to kye and for the first time I started to learn how to survive. How to look after myself, how to depend on only me. And when he died, I knew that I couldn't go back to letting others take care of me. So I stayed."

Neither spoke for several minutes and on the horizon the dawn began to break through the dark veil of night. Lex stared into the fire mulling Trudy's words over in his head. Though he didn't say it, he knew exactly how she felt. Despite being seen as the Mallrat warrior, Lex had always felt as though his survival depended on the tribe as much as theirs depended on him. And while he prided himself on his ability to stand on his own, he longed for that lost feeling of closeness. he was strong but he was also alone. And that emptiness... caused such an ache in his heart so deep it was crushing.

"Come here." Trudy's cough caused his eyes to slip open, when had he closed them? He looked at her gentle expression and realized she was reaching out for him.

"What?"

Trudy pulled the blanket back nonchalantly. "Lie down. You're exhausted and I could use the company."

Her casual appeal was nonassumming and Lex only hesistated a moment before finally resting his head on her thigh. Though this level of intimacy was something he avoided like the plague, he was simply too tired to deny his body's need for comfort. He fouht back the urge to pull awaywhen her slender fingers began raking through his unruly locks of hair. Within minutes lex found himself succumbing to the hypnotic sensations of Trudy's hand and fell into a dreamless sleep.

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The two adults on the couch slept so soundly that neither heard Brady come down a few hours later. she was surprised and yet pleased to see them together and went about making breakfast after quietly stoking the fire. Lex stirred awake first, the combination of dishes clinking and the extreme heat radiating from Trudy's leg rousing him from sleep flush and sweat beaded on her brow, dampening the edges of her hairline.

"Trudy." He nudged her gently. "Trudy wake up."

He was answered with a pained moan as she shivered and pulled the blanket around herself tightly.

"What's wrong?" Brady's voice made him jump and he turned to see the little girl approaching them cautiously.

"I... I think she's got a fever."

Taking it upon herself to touch a wrist to her mother's forehead, brady frowned fearfully and nodded. "Yeah."

"Okay," Lex rubbed an anxious hand over her face. "I'm a bit out of my depth here. What do we do to bring it down?"

"Um," He watched the light blue eyes dart around in thought. "There's a tea she usually makes that helps. And, if it gets really bad we should put something really cold at her feet, like ice or something. It brings the fever down from the head."

Lex nodded as he marveled over the usefulness of the old ways. "Okay then, show me how to make this tea."

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"I'm fine." Trudy prtested when she awoke to find her daughter and Lex fussing over her prone form. "It's just a little cold."

"I don't care. You're not moving and that's final."

Glaring at Lex, Trudy sat up abruptly and threw the blanket onto the floor in annoyance. "So you say. I have far too much to do without wasting a day laying around in bed. I've been sick worse that this before."

"Your chores can wait. You need rest." Her black haired nursing maid insisted firmly.

"Lex," She tried a gentler tactic. "I appreciate the convern but really it's okay. I feel a bit plugged up but I'll be fine. Besides the fence can't wait another day. we've been lucky so far and I don't wanna press it."

"Maybe so but if you don't take care of yourself now you'll only get worse. Imagine how much your housework will suffer when you're dying of pneumonia.'

Swallowing back the urge to chuckle at his sarcasm Trudy sighed. "I've done this many times before Lex."

"That's what bothers me." He muttered before picking up the blanket and running his hands over the worn wool in agitation. "Look, I'll fix the fence today while you rest up. I may be a city boy but I'm sure I can mend a few broken slats. and as for the rest of it, Brady can show me what needs to be done."

Brady, who had been watching the argument in pure fascination jumped at the chance to voice her opinion. "I can even help with the fence. I know how."

Looking up at the little girl Lex returned her bright smile with a weak one of his own. Staring at the both of them Trudy sighed, realizing she'd lost this battle before it had begun. Slumping back onto the couch in exhaustion she merely nodded.

"Fine. I'll lie here like a useless lump while you do all the work. Happy?"

"Ecstatic." Came the sardonic reply.

She watched as the two readied themselves to face the chilly morning, melting at the sight of Brady's adjusting the cuffs of Kye's jacket on Lex's shorter arms. So enthused was the little girl by Lex's domination over her mother, she asked her next question without thought.

"Lex, did you know my father?"

"Brady!" Trudy snapped before Lex could even think of replying, an unfamiliar edge to her tone. "I thought I already told you that your father died before we ever met the Mallrats."

Ducking her head sheepishly Brady simply nodded. "Sorry, I forgot." Though the blush that creeped over her cheeks and down the back of her slender neck claimed just the opposite.

Lex, who had been thrown off by the unexpected question glanced between mother and daughter and noticed that Trudy didn't take her sharp eyes off Brady. He hadn't missed the blantant lie his friend had just spoken and even now images of Zoot falling over the railing of the mezzanine flashed through his mind. The silence went on between the three of them and he finally disturbed it by awkwardly clearing his throat.

"Come on then. We've got lots to do so we'd better get started." Nodding Brady beat a hasty retreat out the door without looking back at her mother who in turn followed the little girl's progress, an indescribable look on her tired face. Lex shook his head at the odd moment as he pulled the hood over his hair. "we'll be back in for lunch." He paused in the doorway, wanting to ask Trudy what was going on but thought better of it. "Try and sleep." He finally said and closed the door behind him.