Chapter 4 – Just Breathe
A.N.: Sorry this update took longer than I meant it to! I've been struggling with whether to make this fit canon (or attempt to force it into canon, more accurately) or not. In the end, I've put my twist on the happenings in Sectionals. Hope it doesn't seem too forced -- I actually kind of like it. Enjoy!
Rachel slammed out of the auditorium, wandering the halls in a daze. It can't be. I'm just letting my overactive imagination get the best of me. There's no way they would do that to Finn. It's simply impossible. She went through her day on auto-pilot, uncharacteristically quiet as she struggled to process what she'd inadvertently heard. I really need to just leave the auditorium if he's there.
Perhaps I misinterpreted his song selection. Perhaps he was merely expressing his desire to be more connected to Quinn, and he was simply misinformed as to the nature of the song. She forced herself to be satisfied with that answer, forced herself to overlook the clear references to family legacy and lineage.
And then she walked into Glee.
Noah looked up at her searchingly. I know it had to be you in the auditorium, Berry. But how much did you hear and what did you think of it?
Rachel looked away from his penetrating gaze. He heard me there...and I heard him. She peeked up under her lashes at him looking at Quinn. It all makes so much sense now. Why he joined, why he watches her all the time...But it can't be. Quinn would never do that to Finn. She pushed those thoughts to the back of her mind as rehearsal began, turning to the work of performing.
And then she watched Quinn fall. Oh my gosh! she thought, reaching out towards Quinn. She froze, and watched as Noah rushed to Quinn's aid. No...No, this can't be right. She heard the thread of panic laced through his voice. This can't be right. She heard Quinn's exasperated dismissal of both boys and looked from one to the other. Finn looked concerned, but Noah...This can't be right. Noah looked terrified. But I know I'm not wrong. It's what I've trained for, to pick up on nuance so I can convey it. Oh, Noah. Her stomach twisted into knots. I know I'm not wrong. That baby isn't Finn's. Noah and Quinn slept together.
It's Noah's baby.
***
Noah waited at her locker after Glee let out, glaring sourly down the hall. Should've known. The auditorium is never safe from Rachel Berry. And she always stays to listen to me. Which, what the hell? Shouldn't she be pining for Saint Finn instead? He rolled his eyes as he saw her round the corner. Best get this over with. "Eavesdropping is rude, Berry," he growled as she walked up to him.
Oh yes. Definitely his child, she concluded. No other reason for him to give enough of a damn to talk to me about what I heard, she thought bitterly. Rachel only looked at him, hurt, anger, disappointment in her gaze. "Did you know, Noah? When we were together?"
That's what she wants to know? "What does it matter?" he answered dismissively. "It's not like that mess meant anything. You're a hot Jew, that's all. I didn't even touch your boobs, so it doesn't count."
It meant something to me...She searched his face, as though seeing him for the first time. Maybe too much...And definitely more than I want it to. "That's a yes, then," she whispered softly. And why would it matter to him? You were both just placeholders for the ones you can't have. Rachel ignored the jealousy welling up again and turned her attention to the wounded boy before her. "Noah-"
"You keep your mouth shut, Berry," he warned, "or we're back to slushies." Don't screw this up, Berry, I don't want to be that guy again but I will if I have to.
She shook her head. Whether you believe it or not, you wouldn't. You're not just Puck anymore. "He's your best friend, Noah," she said gently. "And you're both lying to him."
He punched the locker next to her as Rachel jumped. "You don't think I know that? You think this is my call?" he protested. Screw you, Berry. Screw you. I may have made a mistake but I want to take responsibility for it, damn it.
Oh, Noah...Rachel's heart broke just a little at the pain so evident on his face. "She can't force you to lie. She can't make that choice for you. You have rights."
"She'll say I forced her, that I got her drunk and took advantage of her," he said curtly. Even though I think maybe she took advantage of me. "And it'd be her word against mine." He left the rest unspoken -- I'm not a nice guy, and she's Queen of the Chastity Ball.
Rachel looked up at him in disbelief. Oh, Noah...What kind of person do you see in the mirror? How do I believe in you more than you do? "Noah," she murmured softly, laying a hand on his arm. "I will stand up for you if she even tries. You were nothing but a gentleman with me. You're a good person, Noah. Maybe just a little...lost." She tried to catch his eyes, tried to convey her faith in him through her gaze.
I'm not a nice guy, everyone knows I'm not. He shook his head, shrugging off her hand. "Just keep your mouth shut," he ordered, and left her standing alone.
***
Noah punched another locker as he headed towards the parking lot. Damn it, she's never gonna keep her mouth shut. Not with a shot at Saint Finn. He ran a hand over his eyes in frustration. But...wouldn't that be a relief? It'd be out, Quinn would have to let me in. He stopped walking as the wheels in his head kept turning. If Rachel tells Finn, he'll believe her. And I won't have to look my best friend in the eye and tell him I screwed his girlfriend and knocked her up, he admitted to himself. This might actually work.
He turned around to head back in search of Berry. She's gonna be in the auditorium, I'm sure she will. He opened the door quietly, shutting it silently behind him as he contemplated his approach. I just threatened to slushy her if she told. Now what? Hey Berry, forget I said that, go ahead and tell him so Quinn can't blame me for outing us and I'm free to be part of my daughter's life? With a sigh, he sat in the back row to wait for Rachel to finish.
***
Rachel sat at the piano, stifling a small sob. Did that really mean nothing to him? Was I strategy to get Quinn to let him in? This is what you get for lying, Rachel. You told him you were using him, and it turns out to be the other way. Quinn wins again. And you end up alone again. She set her fingers to the keys, playing the opening strains of the song she'd intended to sing in the morning -- before the world had gone mad. This isn't my fight. It never was. Kurt was right. I'm just a distraction. I just sing. That's all I do. Everything else -- friends, lovers -- I just keep screwing that up. Just sing, Rachel. Just sing.
She closed her eyes and cleared her mind, letting thoughts of Noah, Quinn and Finn all fade away. Leave Noah Puckerman alone...now more than ever. Let that all...unravel...on its own. I'm not the understudy -- I'm the star. This is the last song I'll sing because of him. The last time I'll give him the power to affect me. Eyes still closed, she filled the auditorium with the quiet power of the turmoil inside her.
"Help, I have done it again...
I have been here many times before...
Hurt myself again today,
And the worst part is, there's no one else to blame..."
As he listened, Noah smirked. Still pining for Saint Finn, as I thought. This'll be easy. She gets Finn, I get a say in my daughter's life. Win-win. I just tell her I changed my mind.
"Be my friend -- hold me.
Wrap me up -- unfold me...
I am small,
and needy.
Warm me up...
And breathe me..."
Rachel trailed the last into an anguished whisper. For once, just once, I want to be loved. Me, not Quinn. For someone to be there, to want me. Is that too much to ask?
Noah shifted uncomfortably in his seat as the raw emotions in her voice and on her face started to register. Damn. Maybe I shouldn't be here. Or I should interrupt her. Something. That same itchy feeling her last song had caused reared its head again. What the hell do I care, anyway?
"Ouch -- I have lost myself again.
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah, I think that I might break...
Lost myself again, and I feel unsafe..."
Noah looked at her, pouring her heart into a song no one would hear. Berry, losing herself? Breaking down? Yeah right. Never happening. Like seriously never. She knows herself better than anyone...And no one ever gets her down. Never. But something twisted in his stomach as he looked at the vulnerable girl in front of him, pouring her heart out to the empty seats. Right?
"Be my friend -- hold me
Wrap me up -- unfold me
I am small,
and needy.
Warm me up...
And breathe me...
Be my friend...
hold me.
Wrap me up...
unfold me.
I am small...
and needy...
Warm me up..."
Rachel's voice trailed off, and with a sigh, she pleaded to her phantoms,"And breathe me..."
Rachel attacked the piano, pour her frustrations and pain into the ivory. No matter how hard I try, it's never enough. I'm never enough, not for them. I just need to survive this, that's all. It's lonely at the top. That's all. As the last note faded to silence, she opened her eyes.
Noah shifted uncomfortably in his seat in the back. Crap. I should've left. I could just - He moved to leave, and the seat closed with a soft, but audible, thud.
Rachel's gaze darted to the shadows. "Jacob, if that's you, I swear I will get that restraining order this time!"
Damn it. Noah swallowed hard, and summoned a smirk. "If you haven't gotten one by now, I'd have to guess you like the attention, Berry." He sauntered out of the back row and down the aisle towards her.
What the..."Pardon me, but what exactly are you doing here? And just how long have you been there?" Her heart rate picked up speed. Relax, Rachel. Even if he heard, guaranteed he thinks-
"You mean did I hear your Ode to Saint Finn? Yeah, I did, great job." He clapped sarcastically as he slouched into a seat in the front row.
"Is there some motivation behind your stalkerish display?"
"You only wish I wanted to stalk you, Berry."
"Perhaps football has damaged your brain."
They eyed each other warily.
"So?" she said, arching a brow.
Damn it. He ran his hand over his head. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? About the whole, you know, slushy threat. It's just..." He looked up at her, with a bitter half-smile. "It's been really crappy to keep this from Finn. I keep snapping at him, waiting for him to just figure it the hell out. I'm pretty sure everyone else knows."
Rachel frowned, shaking her head. "Noah, how would anyone else even-"
"I kind of blurted it out to Mercedes."
"Oh." She bit her lip. And I can't even reassure you, since they surely wouldn't share that with me. She looked at him with a sigh. For the same reason you threatened me. Everyone expects me to tell. "Am I really so selfish?" she whispered.
Wait, what? "Is that a trick question?" he blurted.
Ouch. She turned back to the piano as she swallowed a pained cry. Well, that answers that.
Damn it, great job, Puckerman. Talk about the wrong thing to say. "Um, Berry..."
She didn't acknowledge him as she began to play a melancholy melody.
Seriously? "Fiona Apple, Berry? That's unexpected." He looked at her, still not responding to his voice, and noticed her frowning and swallowing hard over and over. Oh hell. "Berry - "
"You'll never see the courage I know.
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view...
I'll never glow, the way that you glow.
Your presence dominates the judgments made on you... "
She leaned into the piano, sighing soundlessly through her fingertips into the keys. You figured out he wasn't second choice just a little too late, Rachel. No Noah, no Finn. Just you.
"But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights...
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception.
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you
You'll say you understand, but you don't understand.
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye.
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie..."
She dropped her hands from the keys. "Is there something else you wanted, Puck?" Her voice is pointed on his nickname, but utterly worn and weary.
Crap. "Um, Berry, I..."
Rachel looked at him with bright eyes and a false smile. "Don't think I don't know exactly how everyone sees me. I'm not oblivious, Puck. I'm 'desperate', 'dramatic', and utterly alone. How could I possibly do anything but seize the opportunity to spectacularly claim the boy that I want? So spectacularly, I'd never have to worry he'd go back to her? It's not like it would, hmm, perhaps, destroy people's lives. Or, actually, that's acceptable collateral damage." She shoved the piano stool out from underneath her and stood, turning her back to him to exit through the dressing rooms. "You needn't have apologized for the threat, Puck. You mean it." She was nearly off stage when he ran up behind her, and his hand was on her arm, drawing her around to face him. "Let go this-"
"I want you to tell him."
"I'm sorry? I must have misheard."
"No...I -- I want you to tell him. I...I need you to. You're kind of the only one who can."
Rachel pressed her hand to her temple as she attempted to follow his logic. "You've gone, in the span of no more than seven minutes, from threatening me with something you personally know to be deeply humiliating, to wanting me to reveal your greatest secret?" I must be going mad.
Noah sighed, releasing her arm and shoving his hands into his pockets. "Look, I...I really want to take responsibility. I figure if you told Finn, he'd believe you, even if Quinn tried to lie to him again. He...he likes you, Berry, even if he doesn't want to. So, you get Saint Finn, and I get to not be a deadbeat. We both get what we want."
Do we? she wondered as she stared at him sadly. "He'll hate you, you know."
He shrugged. "Well, I'm sure you'll make him feel better."
Because I'm that girl. She only shook her head. "I'm not promising you anything." That desperate girl who doesn't know any better than to be a rebound. She made the mistake of looking him in the eyes, and the pleading expression in them had her sighing as she walked away.
***
Rachel stared at herself in the mirror later that night. So what are you doing? Are you seriously thinking about telling Finn? She groaned, and lowered her head to her hands. Noah wants the chance to do the right thing. Finn will see Quinn for who she truly is. Rachel lifted her head. Quinn. Of course. I can try to get her to give them away. That way, I would have no negative associations, the truth would be revealed. That would get everyone what they want. She tilted her head to the side with a small smile. And Noah told Mercedes. Who did, in all likelihood, share this information with the rest of Glee. That's it! I prompt someone else to slip and tell the truth. Thus resolved, she turned her thoughts to how to most effectively set the collision course in motion.
***
And it all worked out well, to begin with. The mention of being a little psychic was probably over the top. But a good test of my dramatic range, she justified. As the Gleeks scattered, and then Mercedes actually greeted her in the hall, she internally cheered. They do all know!
She initiated Phase Two, approaching Quinn about Tay-Sachs, and as she saw Quinn rush to speak to Noah at Glee, she held her breath. Only a matter of time now.
"Does this have to happen tonight? 'Cause, I have my fight club," he said, looking furtively around the room. He caught Rachel watching surreptitiously. I can't believe she's actually going to do it. But Quinn expects me to act like an ass. Any participation has got to be her idea until there's no longer a choice.
Rachel was beaming as her plans seemed well on their way. But then Finn started talking about how hard his life had been. She looked up at him, and noticed the bags under his eyes, the strain on his face. "...winning could make everything good for a while," he said. Before she knew it, her mouth was moving, the words pouring out.
"I want you to be happy, Finn...And when you care about someone, you can't sit around and watch them suffer when you know you can do something about it." You are going to hate me for this, but...
"Wh-what are you talking about?"
"I have to tell you something." Not for me, not for Noah, or Quinn...but for your sake, Finn. I can't wait for them to tell you. Who knows how long it would take for them to crack? You deserve better. She took a deep breath, and dove in. "Finn...the baby...the baby's not yours."
***
In retrospect, if she could've swallowed her tongue, she would have, as she pressed a hand to her mouth. When Kurt outed her, she reflexively denied doing anything. I didn't! Noah and Quinn...She breathed deeply, pursing her lips. You did do this, Rachel, they're throwing you to the wolves. You shouldn't be surprised. The tears ran down her face anyway, but, she bitterly remembered, they were never friends. Not Noah, not the rest of them. Only Finn had sort of tried. Only he had truly attempted it. Misguided, true, but at least, just a little bit, genuine. And he deserved better.
It was easy for her to lie to Quinn. She said exactly what Quinn expected to hear, making sure to lay it all on her love for Finn. Noah would be free and clear.
And so when she passed him in the hallway, no words needed to be spoken. She merely looked him in the eye.
Thank you. He looked at her gratefully, knowing without being told that this was his one real shot.
Don't screw it up, she thought as she gazed at him. I've just sacrificed my only real shot. I'm the one who shattered it all. She slowly walked away.
***
Noah sat next to Quinn. You want it, you got it. Now make sure she knows you're serious. Whatever it takes. "So, I know you're upset now. But I want to be with you." Quinn needs a boyfriend, that's the kind of girl she is. So you take the whole package, Puckerman. "And I'm going to do everything I can to be a good dad to our baby."
"Thanks. But I honestly can't handle any more stress in my life right now."
Wait. What? He looked at her as his stomach turned.
"I'm going to do this on my own. I know you don't understand it. But please respect it." Quinn left him sitting alone, stunned.
All this. All that crap with Berry, I let Finn try to beat me up...And I still end up left out? Are you kidding me?! He furiously pushed himself off the bench, slamming out into the parking lot before he screamed.
Rachel jumped as she heard the crash of the door. Oh, just perfect. Noah stormed out of the school, and she shrank into herself. Oh no. That doesn't seem like a happy ending.
He scoured the parking lot for a corner to vent his frustrations and deflated as he saw Rachel shivering in the cold. Great. Just great. He stalked over to her and sat next to her, close enough to share some of his warmth. "Think frostbite will make him come back?"
"Does sarcasm have the girls falling at your feet?" she shot back.
"She still doesn't want me to help," he whispered.
"He wants nothing to do with me now," she replied.
"Really screwed the pooch on this one," he muttered.
"I can't even figure out if I did it for Finn, like I'm telling myself, for you, like I suspect, or for me, like everyone else thinks." She smiled faintly. "Ain't life funny."
She got up and walked away.
Musical Note: Rachel's song was "Breathe Me" by Sia, and then she did a little "Never Is a Promise" by Fiona Apple to soothe herself. :)
A.N.: Yeah, yeah, stretching. What can you do? Gotta work with what you're given. :) So two songs that Puck sang, two songs that Rachel sang. That leaves the one together! ;) Want me to write it? How about a review??