A/N: I don't know why, but Lord of the Rings seems to inspire humorous stories in me. So here is another chapter featuring the Fellowship on their journey to Mordor.

A New Torture

II

Fared peered through shrubs and trees and the group he and his fellows had come upon not ten minutes ago. The group consisted of six people, and although Fared only had four companions he felt sure that they could easily attack and plunder the traveling party. He was sure of this partially because he was not what one would call cunning and partially because the only one who looked like he would be any trouble was the tall dark-haired man who looked as if he had bathed in mud.

Apart from the filthy man, the group seemed to Fared to include: a hefty, hairy midget; a thin, blonde, immaculately clean young man; two curly-headed children; and a tall but somewhat bent old man with a long, white beard and a walking stick. Neither Fared nor any of his companions had suffered book-learning, so they had no knowledge of Elves, Dwarves, hobbits, or even of the story of the heir of Isildur. Fared, in fact, specialized in relieving people of excess goods. In other words, he and his fellows were robbers.

Fared silently gestured for his companions over to him.

"I will take the tall dark-haired one," he murmured to them as he drew out his knife. Predriwin scrutinized the group then whispered, "I will take the blonde one." Norid and Adohalin agreed to take the midget and the old man, respectively, while Galelac said that he could tie up both children. "They're small. They won't be much trouble," he reasoned. With the plan now solidly in place, the robbers readied their weapons and made their move.

They were had not quite surrounded their prey when the blonde one looked up sharply, looking surprised but not alarmed. "Strider, we have company." The filthy man scanned the surrounding forest and a look of disappointment crossed his face. "They are only Men," he said.

A tendril of irritation bloomed in Fared's heart and he leapt forward, brandishing his knife. "Halt! Empty your pockets! Give us your packs!" His voice was harsh and demanding, and had he been attacking any other group they would have quailed in fear and done as he bade them. As it was the group just looked blankly at him; the only ones who looked even slightly afraid were the two children.

Predriwin was the fastest of the group, and he had already flown toward his target and was bearing his knife. He pointed it at the blonde one, noticing for the first time that the flaxen-haired being had pointed ears. Predriwin brushed the observation aside and aimed his knife at the blonde, who looked faintly bored. "Give me your pack," he growled.

The blonde sighed and arched an eyebrow. "Is this really necessary? The most valuable thing I have with me that would be of use to you is my cloak."

Predriwin blinked, taken aback. "Er...yes. Do it!" The pointy-eared man calmly removed his pack and, muttering about "waste of time" and "saving arrows for Orcs", handed it to Predriwin.

"What of the arrows and bow on your back?"

The blonde gave his attacker a look of such icy disdain that Predriwin felt a small part of his heart shrivel and die. "You shall not touch my bow."

Predriwin decided it best not to argue.

Meanwhile, Norid had cornered the midget and was also waving his knife around. Norid was relatively new to the robbery business and was not very good with a knife, but waving it around usually looked somewhat impressive and got the job done. The midget, however, merely seemed amused. "You should be more careful with that, laddie, or you'll end up cutting off your own nose." Norid paused in his knife-waving and struggled to come up with a response. Embarrassed and angered by the midget's surprising advice, he finally retorted with a childishly sarcastic "Then how do you brandish a knife, O Wise One?" This, as he soon found out, was not the best response he could have given.

Galelac found that had sorely underestimated the children. Upon first cornering them he noted that they had pointy ears and disturbingly hairy feet. Ignoring this, he grabbed one by the arm and poked his pack with a dagger. The child, however, only stared at him in interest.

"You're a Big Person!" he observed, then turned to the other child. "Look, Pip, he's almost as tall as Strider!"

Pip said, "But Strider has better hair. This one looks like he is wearing a bush on his head."

Galelac glared. "I do not!"

"Yes, you do."

"Do not!"

"Do!"

Several feet away, Adohalin had waylaid the old man, who, it turned out, was rather adamant about not giving up his staff. The old man looked innocently at his attacker and said wearily, "You would not deprive an old man of his walking stick, would you?" Adohalin hesitated. The stick could be used as a weapon, but the old man seemed too frail to fight anyone with it.

Adohalin relented. "No, you may keep it." The old man grinned, and Adohalin caught a glint of triumph in the old man's eyes before he realized he had made a mistake.

Fared was oblivious to the minimal success of his fellows, for he was having enough trouble getting the filthy man to cooperate. The man had not even had the courtesy to cower; he had simply sat cross-legged on the ground and yawned. "Your friends will not take long, will they? We really need to get somewhere."

Fared paused, unsure of how to proceed. Victims were not usually so unconcerned, and it angered him that the filthy man seemed so relaxed about the whole situation. "They will take as long as they want. You are not leaving until we say so!"

The filthy man peered up at him and his expression turned grave. Just when Fared thought that he was finally gaining control of the situation the man said, in a threatening tone, "If you do not leave us, I will sing."

"Elbereth! Do not do it, Strider!" A cry came Fared's right, and he turned to see the fair-haired man looking at the filthy man (Strider, he corrected) in horror. "No one deserves to be subject to such torture," the blonde added after a moment. Predriwin, who was holding a bundle of something wrapped in leaves, seemed to be steadfastly ignoring his target. Strider looked up at Fared and said solemnly, "They say my singing is terrible, but I do not think it is not so bad. My fiancée even says that it is something to behold."

"Do not let him sing," said the blonde one to Fared.

"What is this?" asked Predriwin, who had unwrapped the leaf-covered bundle to reveal some sort of unfamiliar bread.

"It is waybread, called lembas."

Predriwin was suddenly aware that he had not eaten in four hours. Waybread sounded quite good at the moment, so without thought he took three very large bites. The blonde looked regretfully at him. "You should not have done that."

Galelac had finally conceded that his hair did resemble a giant bush. Pip was grinning victoriously when the child called Merry asked, "Why do Men not have hairy feet?"

"Why should we have hairy feet?"

"Hobbits do. It keeps our feet warm."

This new information gave Galelac pause. He did not know what a hobbit was, but he knew that his charges had hairy feet and now knew hobbits had hairy feet; therefore, the two children must be hobbits. He turned to Norid and said "Do you know what a hobbit is?"

"Galalac, I am busy right now." Norid was indeed busy backing slowly away from the hairy midget, who had produced an axe from his belt and was demonstrating the proper way to brandish it.

A bright light exploded from the middle of the group, followed by a shrill, feminine scream. The light faded to reveal Adohalin clutching his hands to his face. "I am blind! The old man has blinded me with his staff!" The old man looked annoyed. "Stop that. You are fine."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!" wailed Adohalin.

"What are you doing?" Fared barked at his companion. "Get back to your job!" He shoved Adohalin in the direction of the old man and stalked back to Strider. The filthy man was still seated on the ground, but he had been joined by the blonde, pointy-eared one. They were both watching Predriwin with mild interest as he rolled around on the ground and clutched at his abdomen. "My stomach! It will explode, I am sure of it!"

"I was not aware that eating too much lembas would affect a Man in such a way. The hobbits had four pieces and were not nearly as sick," observed the blonde one. Strider looked thoughtful, then shrugged.

"They are hobbits. They eat more than Men do."

The hobbits in question were, at the moment, trying on Galelac's shoes. Merry was wearing the left one while Pip sported the right one. Galelac was willing his feet to grow hair. He was not being very successful. Norid had backed away from the axe-swinging midget and, finding himself in the midst of two prancing hobbits, gave up his mission as lost.

"I am finished. I do not want anything from these travelers."

Galelac looked up. "Come and grow foot hair with me. You will not have to wear shoes anymore."

Norid looked impassively at his friend. "No, I do not think I will. I rather like my shoes."

Galelac shrugged. "So be it," he said, and went back to concentrating on his feet. Norid left him and went over to Fared.

"I do not think we will get anything from this group," he said before he noticed Predriwin writhing about on the ground. "What is he doing? This is no time for dust baths."

Fared said, "You are all idiots."

The hairy midget appeared, and he too stood and observed Predriwin. The half-wrapped waybread was lying on the ground beside the ill thief, and the midget picked up the bread and sat next to his two companions as they waited patiently for the robbers to leave. Norid stepped behind Fared and prepared to use his leader as a shield in case the midget brought out his axe again. Fared ignored this.

"Where is Adohalin?" Everyone save Predriwin looked around.

The old man said, "I think he ran into the forest."

Fared groaned. This was undoubtedly the worst robbery that he had ever heard of or participated in. It made him very ashamed. "Galelac, get your shoes on. We must go find Adohalin. Norid, get Predriwin up."

Norid hauled Predriwin to his feet while Galelac, looking fairly reluctant, took his shoes from Merry and Pip.

As the thieves made their way through the trees they could hear the group of travelers speaking.

"I cannot believe he ate my waybread. It is ruined," the pointy-eared one lamented.

"Worry not, Legolas. We can always hunt," replied Strider.

There were gruff snorts from the midget and the old man. "Valar help us," said the midget, "if you try to cook again."

The travelers' voices faded as the robbers trudged deeper into the forest. Adohalin, his sight perfectly intact, was found clinging to a tree branch, and it took a good two hours to coax him down. Fared sent a prayer to the gods asking to never see Strider or any of his group again, then the robbers started journeying north, since it was the opposite direction that Strider's group was going.

Galelac said, "I think I want to give up thieving and become a hobbit."

Fared cursed at the sky.

The End