Things from J. masterpiece is being quoted here. I do not own that.

Okay, I've been trying to clean this fic up grammatically so after that work (and the other smaller fics I've been busy writing) here we are.

Nevertheless, enjoy.
Lumos Maximum

If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.
~Toni Morrison

XIII:

Our tears

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Jacob was going to floo himself from Romania to be with me only two days after"the Daily Prophet" incident. We needed to"talk" according to his poorly written owl he said. It was going to be romantic and special, not the "talk" but what came afterwards.

I made dinner, failed and re-ordered dinner from the muggle restaurant four blocks away, lit candles in the kitchen and I even decorated the living room with candles and (plastic) flowers. The smell of pasta filled my flat and I smelled my new perfume, I even bothered to slip into a blue satin dress that ended right above my knees. I felt good, I felt wonderful in my blue dress, bathing in my new perfume for more Galleons than it should have cost, my hair in curls and my make up done perfectly. I would tell that the Daily Prophet incident was complete bollocks, that a certain Nott was not a friend of mine and that the whole thing was just a way to shoot the New Year editions copies up the roofs. Jacob would have kissed me, told me that Thestrals were fantastic, bought me a floo-alert and ask me to be his girlfriend. We would have three babies, all with brown hair and none of them would be named after someone dissented.

It would have gone perfectly brilliant if Noberta didn't have an episode involving heart-failure and randomly exploding fireballs so Jacob had to supervise and run late. Even more brilliant if Nott didn't floo himself to my house to "talk" and "apologize" for the events from New Years but saw candles and me in a dress and had one of his top one hundred fits that made me remember one of the reasons I didn't marry him.

Point is it would have been a perfect night, with Jacob, with pasta and with perfume and satin.

Instead Jacob found me crying on the bathroom floor at midnight, make-up smudged all over my face, hair tangled instead of curled and my blue dress wrinkled up so high that the nylon hem on my left legs was showing.

It was the calling of my name, with his caring voice that dragged me out and made me realize and that I didn't deserve him at all and I would die bitter, alone and most importantly as a unloved ex-famous and hated old bat. His presence along with the soft callings made me cry. Again.
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May 28, 1975

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Dear Secretbook.
I probably won't need this anymore because I won't fear that my thoughts will be read by anyone close to me. Why? Because I will never be close to Severus again – ever.
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It was a sunny Hogwarts day. I found Lily dipping her feet in the dark blue lake with a girl I never saw in her memories – no secrets – before. The sun burned above their heads and they seemed relaxed over something. It was May so I reasoned that it was the OWLs time at Hogwarts.

"I had difficulties with question ten," the girl I didn't know the name at started. Her brown hair was braided into a long plaid and she let her slim arms splash some water. She narrowed her light brown eyes to focus at something, opened her fully lips and shut them tightly when she decided to not speak. After doing that a couple of times I thought that the beautiful girl was a bit loony. "I mean, this is life changeling and all… but I didn't remember for the love of Merlin". She exhaled rather heavily but didn't seem to care anymore about it when she stretched out on the grass with her feet in the water. The sun made it glitter and Lily wiggling her toes in it made small waves appears around her legs.

"Mary, we stayed up all night rehearsing that! There are the pupils of the eyes, the tufted tail of course, the snout…" But Lily didn't finish her sentence she looked up towards the beech tree were most students did their studying during the summertime. I looked up there too to see what caught her interest. Under the beech tree sat a mousy-haired and short boy next to a taller brown-haired and pale boy that seemed consumed by a book rather than the unpleasant scene that played out between the beech three. The only thing I saw was three black-haired boys, two wands and I heard rage.

There was a loud yell that sounded a lot like the curse Impedimenta from one of the black-haired boys. Two of the boys approached the third while the crowd laughed and one of them looked back, the one with the messy hair. James Potter.

Mary sat up, watched at the same direction that Lily and I was looking at and commented the view to make me realize what was happening over there. "James and Sirius are at Snivellus again I see."

"It's Severus," Lily snapped and stood up, feet dripping so she mumbled a quick spell and slipped into her socks and shoes quickly. I followed her to the scene like a curious dog with his owner. I hadn't seen Lily walk this quickly or look this upset before so I kept my distance in case of explosion.

When we closed up to the scene I saw a rather handsome boy that I identified as Sirius with black hair falling carefully around his face and framing his strong features. His gray eyes reminded me of rock and the way he carried himself was as strongly as it too -- if not a bit too superior.

"Wash your mouth," said the other boy, James Potter coldly. "Scourgify!"

At their feet lay Severus, cursed and hexed until defeat with pink bubbles streaming out of his mouth at once. He looked like he was suffocating from where I stood. I was so taken back by the evilness of my grandfather towards the boy I gotten to know through Lily that I forgot where Lilys place in this memory would be.

"Leave him ALONE!" She yelled, causing both James and Sirius to turn around and stare at her. My jaw dropped by the loud and superior tone her voice now became.

"All right, Evans?" said James with a more mature tone than he had when he threatened Severus.

"Leave him alone," Lily repeated and looked at James with so much hate in her eyes that it made me shiver down my spine. "What's he done to you?" Lily added, a question I wanted an answer too. I knew that Severus had much hate for James by now but humiliating him in front of the school like that had to have something with what Severus had done.

"Well," said James and took a second to formulate an appropriate answer. "it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…"

The crowd laughed, all of them that stood and witnessed the scene but not the boy buried in the book by the three (although his friend roared) and neither did Lily. I felt so much hate at the boy wearing the surname Potter, a name filled with pride and respect for people.

"You think you're funny," Lily said as coldly as James when he spoke to Severus. "But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag Potter. Leave him alone."


I couldn't understand how during this time neither James nor Sirius hadn't laid an eye on Severus behind them that seemed to regain some strength and started to crawl, instead they looked at Lily fascinated and James a bit absentminded too.

"I will if you go out with me, Evans" said James quickly " Go on… go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

From that moment I knew that James Potter blood running through both Dad, James, Albus and me was what made us somewhat courageous. I would never have dreamed of saying anything remotely towards someone looking so aggravated and fierce as Lily looked standing in front of James.

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," said Lily.

I couldn't help myself, I laughed so badly that I didn't catch what Sirius was saying and then the events unfolded themselves at once.

Severus had cursed James to make a huge gash splatter blood all over his robes, I was suddenly reminded that this was the same spell that hit my brother James when he tried to open Lilys book! My realization that Severus managed to strike two James Potter with the same curse intrigued me a bit but quickly enough James had taken his revenge by making Severus hover by his ankles with his robes falling over his head. This may have been Severus fantasy but James had him hover like that, not the other way around. Severus fought his robes and I saw a moment of weakness from Lily's furious face, there was this twitch on her lips that fought a smile when she looked at James roaring along with his friends at Severus misery but she quickly came back to her senses.

"Let him down!"

"Certainly," said James and with a wand movement Severus fell to the ground with his robes in a mess. He detangled himself rather quickly from the mess and pulled out his wand but Sirius beat him to it and yelled, "Petrificus Totalus".

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily shouted and held her wand closely to James and Sirius stricken faces.

This was too much for me; I've only heard good stories about my grandfather and his best friend and almost brother Sirius. They were heroes, they fought and they were heroic. People saw them as heroes, idolized them and even told me that there was no-one who were so keen in doing right and fighting for it as Sirius was and no one as righteous and loving as James Potter the first was. Even Lily was ready to hex the living daylight out of her future husband and his best friend, my father's godfather but history books told me that my grandparents were heroes in love beyond possible but got a tragic end instead of a life filled with love. How I doubt that, James had probably cast an Unforgivable upon Lily and forced her to marry him because this was not love. The history books lied when they said that they were good all, pure, amazing and above fantastic.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," said James earnestly.

"Take the curse off him, then!"

James sighted, eyes flickering while he turned to Severus and muttered the counter-spell.
"There you go" he said, as Snape struggled to his feet. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus –"

Severus looked ice cold but I could see so many emotions in his eyes. There were emotions like rage, shame, humiliation and frustration but he chose to speak with anger. "I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"

Lily blinked.
I blinked.
For a second my whole world turned black, white, blood red and poison green and I thought that I died, if not for real then a little because my heart stopped just like Lily's seemed to do when she stared at Severus.

"Fine," Lily said coolly. "I won't bother in future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus."

But I knew by the look Severus and Lily exchanged that none of them meant what they said to each other. Severus looked stricken and Lily looked hurt but they both refused to apologize or regret their words. Severus out of pride and self-respect and Lily out of moral and obligation.

"Apologize to Evans!" James roared at Severus and his wand was pointed at him. I forgot James roll in this while I was studying Lily and Severus exchanged looks. Severus didn't even bother to raise his own wand to protect himself.

Lily however rounded James, " I don't want you to make him apologize," Lily shouted "You're as bad as he is."

"What?" yelped James. "I'd NEVER call you a – you-know-what!"

"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down the corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can – I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK" Lily shouted, turned away and hurried from the scene with me following her.
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I declare myself friendless from yesterday, May the 27th. I have no best friend, not anymore. I will never have a best friend, I couldn't believe that he dared saying that to me, that he dared to do so in front of all and for what? For helping him when nobody wanted to? For being a friend through and through? For doing right, for doing good instead of doing wrong or dark, dark and cruel magic? HIS DARK AND CRUEL MAGIC I MIGHT ADD.

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I heard her surname being called twice by James but she didn't care enough to look back. I turned back however, when Lily struggled with the entrance door and I saw Severus hovering by his ankles another time. It looked sickening to the contrast of this beautiful day. Lily finally got the door open and while she took sharp, rapid breaths I listened to her steps echoing against the stone floor. There was no one to be seen in the hall, most of them sitting by the lake, flying on their broomsticks, running around on the grounds or watching the twisted game James and Sirius was involved in…

Lily started to run, rapidly and without thinking twice. I followed her, quickening my steps to match up with the fifteen year old Lily's.

The voice Lily started to speak but Lily's lips weren't moving. It sounded like an audiotape playing in the halls of Hogwarts where we were running.


"I only came here because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here."
"I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just –"


I heard Severus voice reply with the same tone of pleading he used when knew he did something Lily didn't approve of. This scene wasn't played out here, their voices didn't fit in this content because Severus was outside being humiliated by James and Sirius and Lily ran through a corridor I recognized as the DADA corridor.


"Slipped out?"

I heard the suppressed rage but somehow it was controlled her, her voice didn't break. I understood that this was the way she wanted to fill out the memory when she put it in her secret book. We were now running up for some stairs while I waited for Severus to continue in this other memory that was playing up but he didn't say I am sorry. He didn't plead for forgiveness even, it was Lily who spoke.


"It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends – you see, you don't even deny it!" You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?"


I didn't know why but running after her, with her, made me forget all the bad feeling I had towards James, Sirius and even Severus. Especially Severus. Lily ran desperately like she was trying to hide from herself and the sunrays sneaking into the castle to show her the beauty of the summer day was disturbing her as much as it did me. There was nothing beautiful with this memory.


"No – listen, I didn't mean –"
'—to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"

There were no more words after those and finally, after a couple of stairs, many corridors and a knock-in with a Rawenclaw girl that Lily didn't bother to excuse herself too Lily opened a door and I hurried in before she slammed it shut and turned her back to it while she caught her breath.

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And I do not how he dared to camp outside my Common Room door after saying that. How he dared to show his face anywhere within a thousand meters away from me! And he didn't even say I am sorry. I. AM. SORRY.
Well, reminder Severus I, on the other hand, am NOT sorry.
I. AM. NOT. SORRY.
That's not my secret thought; I could yell it in the middle of the Great Hall for all I care.

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I looked around and realized that knew this bathroom vaguely, it was moaning Myrtels bathroom and you did your best to avoid this bathroom if you could. Myrtle had her way of annoying you with the tale of her tragic death while you washed your hands, slam the doors together while you tried to do your privates in the toilet but the main reason that I didn't visit was that the first time I meet Moaning Myrtle she realized that I was the daughter of Harry Potter and Ginny Potter. She got so excited and told me that I had to sit down (gesturing to the leaking toilet closest to the door) and listen to everything she had to tell me about their love story and how she was witness to the whole thing (a thing I highly doubt if Dad didn't decide to snog Mum in a lavatory). I ran away, far away and never returned to that toilet again.
I rather wet myself.

But I was here now and with Lily nevertheless. I do not know why anyone would want to come here when feeling low but Lily however ran towards it and I have never been happier to be invisible or surreal in this world. She went to the sinks to wash her face rapidly. With both hands grabbed at each side of the sink and a wet face staring towards Lily at the mirror she mumbled four words rapidly to herself, I had to approach her to hear her out. "I will not cry."

A silence.

"Sev, why did you say that word?" Lily asked her reflection, "Potter why do you have to be such a…" her face turned to rage but it lasted only for a second. "Why Sev…?" and with that her words died out and she shut her eyes quickly and held them shut for a long time. I thought the memory would go black but it didn't.

'I. Will. NOT. Cry" Lily repeated and tried to calm herself down.

I don't know if Lily knew but her eyes were emerald green and blood red, similar to the mix of the writing in her diary and there were small tears leaving her eyes to fade into the wet mess her face was. "I will not cry." She repeated in vain.

Moaning Myrtle came hovering out of the sink Lily stood in causing Lily's face to turn from sadness to fright and Myrtle was being annoying as usual. She laughed her false, high pitched laughter towards my crying grandmother. "Oh, Poor poor smart, gifted and pretty Lily, Potter doesn't want her anymore because she is silly."

"Leave," Lily said stiffly.

"Perhaps you should leave my bathroom instead?" Moaning Myrtle replied viciously.

Lily ignored her and stared at her own reflection with the bloodshed eyes and repeated her own words desperately to herself. "I will not cry."

"Oh, but you will," said Moaning Myrtle, "because you are all alone, I heard your pleas. Severus why did you say that? Potter why are you like that? You will cry Lily because you are all alone. You have no-one left, not even that sister of yours."

Lily looked alarmed at Moaning Myrtle who smirked.

"Oh yes, I've heard you cry before, that's why you come here right. If I moan in Moanings Myrtles depressive toilet nobody will know that it's me! Clever, but this time nobody will ever be there for you so cry and someday if you're as lucky as me," Moaning Myrle paused for emphasis and smirked viciously. "You'll end up like me. Complaining, Moaning no, Loosing Lily, crying in every toilet and hiding in every sink you can!"

Myrtle was in hysteria now, laughing high pitched and fled into the broken toilet out to the pipes under the Hogwarts grounds.

Lily broke down, in front of the sink now crying her heart out and I wanted to hug her, comfort her and tell her that everything was going to be okay. That she was going to be married, that she was going to have a son, that I wanted her to be alive and that I would miss here if she left my life but how could I? I was merely a shadow in her dream just like she was in my life. I knew her deepest secrets but she didn't even know that I was named after her. I missed out on her love, her stories, her smiles and her warmth so I touched her, felt her skin warm from running but somehow melted in with her and I hugged her, tightly but I knew she didn't feel me. Not like I felt her, the fifteen year old was still alone with nobody holding her tightly so I did what I could to share her pain.

I cried.

I cried for her, for me, for her past, for her present and for her future.
There was so many of her tears dripping all over me as I hugged her in front of the bathroom sink. They were warm and real, I felt them mixing with my own that dripped from the tip of my nose.

And there was this call, of our name, a call wanting me to come back but I couldn't leave her. I wouldn't leave her. But the call was desperate and somehow it dragged me away from the warmth of Lily to somewhere I belonged. I left her crying and the last word I heard her mumble was mudblood.

There was a pull, a pain but it went quicker for every time I entered the diary and left it, somehow I was invited finally – for real. There was a final pull and I heard my name now, crystal clear in some kind of echo.

.

"Lily," the voice yelled but I couldn't grasp that someone would call my name with that kind of terror and need. The blurry sight of him in my bathroom was because of my eyes didn't followed the words 'I will not cry'. My eyes were so tear-filled that I couldn't see anything in the mix of light, of Jacob and of clinker white so when I read the last sentence – My secret is that I didn't let Moaning Myrtle get to me but Sev! I let him get to me despite what he said to me, despite what I might have said to him; I can't believe that he dared to make me cry. I cried for him. Lily -- at the beige page on the book I held in my hands, I shut it quickly and started to feel the lump growing even bigger.

"I didn't know you did all this – I thought we were going to talk and…" Jacob pleaded and I guessed he'd been looking around to find me and saw all the candles and the cold food on the kitchen table.

"I am sorry Lily, Lily please listen…" Jacob started.

Lily, Lily, Lily.

The sound of my name, our name and the voice of pleading for forgiveness made my insides explode and expand so widely and then burst. The tears fell, rapidly, viciously and I did not know why I couldn't control it or why it got to me so badly. Jacob stretched out his arms and I bathed in the smell of dragon and men perfume, I felt safe and kept on crying.

"Lily," Jacobs voice chanted slowly and kissed the top of my head gently while we rocked.

"It's not about the pasta," I told him behind the tears and added, "But don't ask."

"I figured that much out… " Jacob assured me and didn't intrude my personal space by asking me what it was about. He kept me tight in his strong arms and I felt safe, I felt rescued and less alone. Like things were going to be okay again.

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We were lying on top of a bed, my bed. Jacob with his arms tightly around me with only pieces of garment that was our clothes between us. The night outside was not as interesting as listening to his heartbeats pressed against my back and his breaths warming up my neck.
It was so innocent, with Nott it was aggression, rage and stupidity but Jacob held me close almost desperately and I didn't deserve that.

"Are you up?" I whispered in the dark and I felt him nod behind my back. We hadn't shared a word since I cried, we just snuggled next to each other in my dark bedroom and it was good. Too good for me to deserve it.

"I'm sorry – for ruining tonight by crying and such," I started, "and for ruining the pasta."

I felt his lips curve into a smile towards my neck where they had been pressed.

"We should talk," I continued but my body was slowly dragging me to sleep, "Jacob, I don't deserve you."

Jacob just made a sound, a rather sleepy and sheepishly sound and kissed my neck, exactly where my tattoo was inked in and I shivered. I couldn't care less for explaining when he snuggled me in closer and grabbed every inch of me with his strong hands to warm me.

I could get used to this was the last thought I had before Jacobs lips kissed my bare neck another time and mimicked "goodnight" towards my skin.

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