*****
"Daniel?" She said with alarm in her voice. She hadn't expected to hear from him at all. "Is the colonel okay?"
"Yeah, he's fine. I need to talk to you about…the, uh, Oz program." He scrunched up his face feeling incredibly stupid. Daniel hated speaking in such silly code. But it was the only acceptable way to discuss the sensitive matter on an unsecured land line. Sam hadn't answered her cell.
"Wouldn't you rather talk about it at my lab, say tomorrow?" a sleepy Major Carter croaked plaintively into the phone.
"Well, no. This is really important. And I think Jack agrees with me that it can't wait."
"Fine, Daniel. You want me to come over there?" He could hear her pushing the covers of her bed off of her.
"No, not here. I'll meet you at the convenience store at the bottom of Stage Road in half an hour," and with that he hung up.
"What'd she say?" Jack asked when Daniel joined him back in the living room.
Daniel sat down on the couch and started putting his shoes on. "She's going to meet me at that store at the bottom of the mountain."
"What, now?"
Daniel looked at Jack incredulously, "Well I thought you felt this was important enough to deal with immediately! I even told her that. Are you saying you don't want me to go now?"
Jack thought about it for a minute and then said ruefully, "Was she asleep?"
"Um, well, yes." Daniel went back to putting his shoes on.
"You might as well," Jack shook his head.
"I won't be long. I'll bring back something from the store so you can tell Shaboni I went to buy something if she asks." He got up, grabbed his keys, and left.
Jack lay back against the back of the sofa. His head was still hurting him and a fatigue had set into his bones that made him feel like an old man. How he (they) got into these situations he would never know. But it was clearly some design of fate or some such nonsense because the consistency of it could not be denied.
"I want to go fishing," he moaned to himself.
"Na'am, samak." Shaboni said from behind him. 'Yes, fish.'
Jack jumped. He hadn't heard the shower cut off. He turned to see her standing there with wet hair combed away from her face cascading down past her shoulders leaving little wet spots where it touched the gray sweatshirt he'd loaned her. She had a rosy color to her cheeks from the heat of the shower and she looked almost childlike in the too-big clothes. He didn't mean to stare, but he couldn't help it.
"Daniel is not here." The way she said Daniel sounded very much like the way Sha're had said his name. "Dan'yel."
"He went to the store," Jack waved his hand at the door to indicate he'd left.
"You told him of my husband." She came around and sat beside Jack on the couch.
Jack had a rare emotion at that moment: a crisis of conscience. He was so used to knowing what he would do, making decisions in a split second, that he was unaccustomed to feeling torn between two desires. If he lied to her what good would come of it? He didn't need to tell her anything to admit the truth. But for some reason he felt in that moment that his life was so full of lies that if he allowed one more he would not only be damned at death, but that he would be damned for the remainder of his life as well. He could remember feeling like this a few times around Sarah and Charlie. That the lies that he was forced to tell and the secrets he was supposed to keep would suffocate him when he neared the goodness that emanated from his wife and child. The lyrics to that haunting song came to him.
Another night in court, the same old trial
The same old questions asked, the same denial
"Jack?" She turned and faced him. Hair fell forward into her face painting dark streaks down her cheeks.
"Yes, I told him." He didn't meet her eyes.
"It is okay, Jack. I do not mind." She reached out a slender hand and touched a finger ever-so-lightly to the blue-black bruise under his left eye. "There is no reason to be keeping it secret any longer. There is no more time."
Her finger moved up and Jack felt the feather-light touch of her whole hand across his cheek. He closed his eyes to the sensation. It had been longer than he could remember since a woman had touched him like that. He felt light headed. He felt warmth in his chest. He felt joy and sadness warring for dominance. He wanted to surrender to that touch. He wanted to rest in that hand.
Jack opened his eyes and looked at her. She was looking on him with a softness and kindness that burned him it was so lovely.
"Shaboni," he took her hand away from his face and held it gently, "you are a beautiful woman."
"And you are a beautiful man." Her lips curled faintly in an appreciative smile.
Jack felt suffocated by the words, by the weight of their inaccuracy. He knew with every fiber of his being that there was nothing worthy within him to justify her display of affection. He wanted to stop her before she was damaged by the poison that he carried inside. To protect her from the fate of every person who had ever truly cared for him.
"This is a bad idea," he said, patting her hand and moving back from her just a little.
"I do not think so. But I will respect that you do not wish for me to touch you."
"It's not that I don't want you to touch me." 'I've wanted few things more, I think.' "But you don't know me."
"I do not have time to know you." The smiling look in her eyes faded.
"Yeah, you keep saying that. That there is no time. What exactly do you mean by that?"
She reached up and started pushing her hair around her head so that it fell over one shoulder then she twisted it around her fingers where it hung down on her chest. As she tightened it a few drops of water were wrung from the deeply wet strands. She held her hand up and let the drops run down her hand, but she did not speak. She acted almost as if she hadn't heard his question.
Jack watched her movements. They were sure and strong and still entirely feminine. He knew she was a soldier, and yet she was a woman. He had seen the same things in Carter, but tried very hard to put them out of his mind. Way too messy to allow his thoughts to go there. But here was a woman with strength, which he had to admit he admired, intelligence, which he also liked, and not only was she not off limits she was expressing that she somehow wanted to share something with him. And he was telling her no.
'I am a first class jackass,' he thought.
Completely against his better judgment and totally contrary to the demands of the demons that tormented his soul he reached out and put his hand into her hair. The wetness of it cooled his hand but he felt his cheeks flush with warmth. She reached up with the hand she'd touched his face with and grabbed his wrist. But it was not to move his hand away. She closed her eyes and moved the hand to her cheek tilting her head into his hand. He winced inwardly knowing that his hands must be rough against her
'Oh God, that is soft'
skin. She covered the back of his hand with her free hand. He pulled his arm gently towards him and she scooted on the seat until she was touching his leg with her own. Reaching up with his other hand he cupped her face and pulled her to him, kissing her softly on the forehead. She pulled her legs beneath her, turning to face him fully. She lay across his lap and rested her head on his shoulder with her left hand lying against his cheek. He cradled her in his arms like that smelling her hair and feeling its wetness seep through his shirt for a long time. At long last her hand slipped down and fell limply curled between their chests.
Jack sat there holding her as she slept. He reached up and ran his hands through her drying hair feeling it slip between his fingers. The strands curled around each finger in silky spirals caressing his hand and scenting it with the clean smell of shampoo. His throat felt tight. His heart ached. He tried to memorize every sensation, every nuance of this moment. He knew it was a gift that he didn't deserve and he would not take it for granted. It was a wonderful moment, but he knew for certain it was terrible in the price he would pay for it. The price of such beauty was always agonizingly high.
*****
"All right, Daniel. What is all this about?" Sam was sitting in his car in the parking lot of the convenience store. She did not look happy.
Daniel explained about finding Shaboni and filled her in on the details that Jack had shared with him regarding Shaboni's husband. As he told the story Sam's eyes grew wider. "So for some reason she decided to go walking up The Horn to this Star Gazer's Point to see if she could find anything further," he concluded.
"Daniel, have you and the colonel lost your minds?!" She felt like hitting him. "Not only is having that woman at the colonel's house a ridiculous security risk, now you're telling me that her husband may have been working on the Stargate program and she has FIGURED THAT OUT!"
"Whoa, wait a minute. I did not say she had figured it out. And I think considering what information she has been able to obtain it is advantageous that she is at Jack's house. We know what is going on and now we can be directly involved in what she does and does not do from here."
"So why was it so important to talk to me tonight about this?" She put a thumb to her forehead, clearly exhausted.
"Because you have worked with more of the scientists that have been involved with the Stargate program than anyone else. You would know if there had been an Israeli chemist working with the SGC. And because I needed something concrete to take to the general when I call him in the morning to see if we can find out what has happened to Shaboni's husband."
"Daniel, you can't tell her anything," Sam insisted.
"I don't plan on telling her anything, Sam."
"Then why is this so important to you?"
Daniel licked his lips, "First of all, because it is important to Jack. He doesn't ask me to care about much, hell he doesn't usually have to. But he asks me to care about the safety and security of the SGC. And I do. He asks me to understand the nature of the military and the way that classified operations work. And I try. And right now he is asking me to find out if the SGC has been employing foreign nationals or if the NID is doing it."
"Well, there weren't any Israeli nationals on the team of scientists employed to investigate the Stargate before the Abydos mission. And I haven't worked with any chemists outside of the Air Force since the formation of the SGC. So I can't help you."
"Actually, Sam, that is very helpful." Daniel squeezed the bridge of his nose to release some of the pressure that had built up. "That would probably mean that the NID is responsible for this man coming here. And according to Shaboni, for him never coming home."
"Well then if there is nothing else, Daniel, I'd really like to go home and go back to bed."
"Yeah, sure, sorry. Really, Sam," he touched her arm as she started to get out of the car and she stopped, "thank you."
"You're welcome," she said softly. "You look like you could use about a week's sleep, yourself."
"I'm going to go back to Jack's and get some sleep right now. I'll talk to the general tomorrow morning."
"Call me and I'll be there when you talk to him."
Sam got out and went to her car and pulled away. Daniel got out and went inside the store to buy a quart of milk. Then he drove back to Jack's.
Daniel walked in to find Jack asleep on the couch with Shaboni in his arms. He stood there looking at the two of them for a few minutes thinking, 'This was a very bad idea.' He had noticed the way that they looked at each other during lunch and then later during the movie. He knew that they had connected. But the dangers of the life they led prevented one from developing attachments. And this particular woman was even more dangerous than just any woman. Daniel knew that Jack was painfully aware of the facts. But he would not begrudge the man the longing for some sense of normalcy in the midst of the insane life they lived.
Ever the vigilant soldier, Jack sensed through his sleep that someone was watching him and awoke. He opened his eyes to find Daniel standing in the doorway between the living room and the kitchen staring at him. Daniel raised his eyebrows and smiled an indulgent smile. His pale blue eyes spoke of understanding and empathy. It was something that Jack usually hated to see directed at him. He generally accepted that Daniel was one of the two smartest people he'd ever met and that he didn't miss much. He also generally accepted that Daniel understood things about him that he would never have attempted to explain. He just didn't acknowledge that he accepted these things. Daniel's look told Jack that he knew the loneliness that was carried as a part of the standard gear for SG1. That he knew the depths of sorrow at having once loved and then lost forever. That nothing felt quite as wonderful as the softness of a woman's skin, the warmth of her breath, and the caress of her hair. And that even they couldn't resist the temptation to revel in the sensation of desiring and being desired in return once in a while. They were not above such things of men.
Usually being understood by Daniel Jackson in that way would drive Jack to distracted annoyance. But tonight it felt good. It felt like a reprieve from having to shoulder all of the terrible knowledge he possessed alone. Daniel was standing there sharing it with him. And tonight he was grateful for the compassion that permeated everything about the young doctor. Because he knew that Daniel would not judge harshly his weakness for this woman curled in his arms. Daniel would be glad for him. And that somehow made it feel less wrong.
The moment of silent communication passed and Jack started to push Shaboni up gently so that he could scoot out from behind her and join Daniel. Daniel jumped from the doorway and aided his friend in positioning the woman to the couch in such a way that Jack could slide out from behind her without waking her. She seemed to be sleeping very deeply and Daniel thought he could feel a rattle to her breathing when his hand was on her back. A frown creased his forehead and he covered her with a blanket.
The walked into the kitchen and Jack sat at the bar. "What did Carter say?"
"She said we are out of our minds."
"She's right, you know?" Jack pointed out.
"She usually is," he smiled. "Anyway, she also said that there were no foreign nationals on the project at the Pentagon and that she hasn't worked with anyone at the SGC who would fit the description of an Israeli chemist."
"So it was the NID." Jack pushed his lips together in an angry line.
"So what do we do?" Daniel asked earnestly.
"Well tomorrow we're going to have to tell Hammond everything we know. He's going to spank me good for letting her come here, but I think he'll understand why now that we know what we know we have to keep her here."
"Do you think he'll be able to find out what happened to her husband?"
"I don't know if he'll be interested in trying. But even if he is we can't tell her anything." Jack pushed himself away from the bar and stood up slowly. He still felt terrible and it was way past time to go to bed. "I'm going to put Shaboni in the bed and then I'm going to go crawl under mine."
"Let me do it. You have already done way more than you should have today. Janet is going to kill me for not making sure you stayed on the couch all week."
Jack was in no mood to argue. He waved a hand at Daniel and stumbled off to bed. He barely made it beneath the covers before a heavy black sleep took him.
Daniel went back to the living room and gently slid his arms beneath Shaboni's legs and shoulders. He lifted her surprised, again, at how heavy she was. She looked tall yet slight to the eyes, but her frame was as solid as anything Daniel had ever lifted. She didn't make a sound or even stir as he carried her into the bedroom. He was grateful she hadn't tried to choke him again. As he walked he could feel the crackling and rattling of her chest as she breathed. He didn't hear audible wheezing, which was good, but he knew from experience that the fluid in her lungs was only going to get worse if she didn't get some medical attention. 'It's probably pneumonia,' he thought. He pulled the covers back on the bed and then laid her down softly. He covered her up and then went to the room that had been his bedroom when he'd first come back from Abydos. He kicked off his shoes and pants and crawled under the covers. After the day they'd had it was no wonder they all fell asleep and slept like stones.
At least that was until Daniel was awoken by the unmistakable sound of someone retching in the bathroom. He got up to investigate. He pulled on his pants, went to the door, and found it closed so he knocked lightly. The person inside either didn't hear or couldn't answer so he twisted the knob and pushed the door open to find Shaboni kneeling and clutching the toilet seat with one hand while holding her hair out of her face with the other. The smell of vomit was powerful and turned his stomach, but then he noticed something else. His breath caught in his throat and it wasn't from the smell. There was blood on her mouth and what looked like coffee grounds on the rim of the toilet. Daniel opened the door all the way, startling her.
"Ah God, Shaboni!" he exclaimed as he started hunting for a clean washcloth. "We have to get you to the hospital!" He found one and started running water in the sink to wet it. He let the water run so that it would heat up, not wanting to give her a freezing cold washcloth. She shook her head furiously, her eyes large and shining with fear. Unable to speak, she was telling him with every bit of body language that existed that she would not go to the hospital. He started to hand her the washcloth when she started retching again. Daniel bent down and took her hair for her. He got on his knees behind her and held her as she vomited again and again. She was shuddering violently and tears cascaded down her cheeks. When the powerful heaving subsided enough for her to breath she moaned sickeningly. Daniel held the lukewarm rag to her hand and she put it to her face wiping away blood and vomit and tears. She sat there with Daniel holding her with one arm and holding her hair with his other hand. After a minute or so she reached up and flushed the toilet then sat there trembling. The shaking subsided a little and she slumped against Daniel who eased her carefully to the floor.
"Please do not take me away from here," her voice was barely above a whisper. Daniel looked at the reddish brown substance on the toilet. He had seen the wounded vomit blood before and he knew exactly what it looked like. He didn't know if this was from the accident or not, but he knew that she was in serious trouble and keeping her here was likely killing her. He took the washcloth from her hands and wiped the toilet's surface.
"Shaboni, why won't you agree to go to the doctor?" He got her a clean dry washcloth and handed it to her as he sat down next to her pale fragile figure.
"Because there is nothing they can do, Daniel." The sound of her saying his name stirred memories he would have rather kept buried. It was a beautiful sound, unexpected and sweet.
"What do you mean? What is wrong with you?" he asked earnestly.
"Please, just do not take me away from here." She coughed and the sound of it was like she was being ripped from the inside out. She shuddered a little and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. There was a smear of blood on it as she laid the hand over her eyes to shield them from the light in the bathroom.
He was frustrated with her for refusing to tell them what was wrong with her. But she seemed resolute to say nothing. He felt torn between wanting to honor Jack's promise to her and wanting to get her the help she so obviously needed. She seemed to be better for the moment so he decided he would approach Jack about it again in the morning. For now he helped Shaboni get back to her bed. She seemed to be sinking into a fitful feverish sleep. He picked her up again and carried her back to bed. As he put the covers back up over her she murmured, "Jack."
Daniel had a much harder time going to back to sleep. Every so often he would hear her coughing thickly from her room. He would just be starting to drop off and her coughing would pull him back. Surely Jack knew how sick she was. And it was becoming increasingly clear it had nothing to do with the accident. For all intents and purposes the accident had barely injured her at all.