"Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby."- Robin Hood.
Part 7: Go, Speed Racer, Go!
A figure lay in a hospital bed, surrounded monitoring devices that kept a close eye on his health…and other things.
This man is Slade Wilson; the Terminator, Deathstroke.
He is a man who went from soldier to father, and from father to assassin when he chose honor over the safety of his children. And when one of those children followed in his footsteps and got killed, the desire to have vengeance on the ones responsible transformed Slade into a villain of the deepest dye. But like all those who let revenge dominate their lives, he ended up biting off more than he could chew. His last and most diabolical plot to turn the Teen Titans against each other resulted in him being placed into a coma by Raven's demonic powers gone wild. Now, he was but a vegetable.
Two men…two young men…entered the room. One is brown-skinned, in a blue hood and uniform named Mal Duncan, the Herald. The other is a Caucasian blond in a white jumpsuit and purple tunic named Joseph Wilson, the possessor Jericho.
The Son of Slade. The second Son, at least.
"There he is, Joe," The Herald said, gesturing toward Slade's body. "Are you…sure…you want to do this?"
Jericho nodded. This is what he had been waiting for. This is why he became a superhero.
After that day, when the Jackal kidnapped him and he got his throat cut and lost his voice, he had wanted to know… Why? Why had his father chosen his 'professional honor' over the safety of his own child? Did he love his reputation as the Terminator over his well-being? Or did he think he could have rescued Joe without having to lose anything? But he should have known, you can't have your cake and eat it, too.
And so, in one slice, everything had fallen apart. The once happy Wilson family was shattered, all because of one man's 'honor'.
Jericho son discovered he had powers of his own, a result of some experiment his father had taken part of, and became decided to use his powers to help others, so that no one would have to suffer like he would.
Then came the Titans.
Jericho had heard of the Titans' feud with Slade, and while he was honored to be considered a member, he was worried what would happen if they found out. And so, after their fight against the Brotherhood of Evil, he told Robin everything, prepared to walk that lonely path again.
Thankfully, Robin took the higher view, and while he was a bit shocked at first, he refused to deny Jericho membership on that basis alone. And as more Titans found out, they too were open-minded about the subject (Jinx especially- after all, she used to be a full-time baddie herself). The only one who seemed to hold any qualms about it was Savior, but he was such a self-righteous bastard, so who cared what he thought? Jericho actually felt sorry for him, being unable to trust anyone.
And now was the moment he had been waiting for. Even though Slade was comatose, more and more of his old weapons and projects were getting loose and hurting people. After months of negotiating, Jericho had finally gotten permission to use his power of possession to go into Slade's body and find out what else he had left behind…as well as answer Joe's more personal question.
With a trembling hand, Jericho forced open Slade's remaining eye- the other had been shot out by his mother. Activating his power, Jericho went in.
Minutes passed. Herald began to whistle.
Then Jericho came out, shaking like that last leaf on a tree in fall.
"What's wrong, Joe?" Herald asked, worried. He put his hand on Jericho to steady him. "What'd you see?"
Jericho told him. Herald's eyes went wide.
"What!? That's not the real Slade!?"
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It was a new day in Jump City…and panic reigned supreme.
The winds howled in agony. The skies were dark with fear. Clouds dropped torrents of pain onto the unhappy below, in the form of angry cats.
All of this was observed by Raven and Bob from the roof of Titans Tower.
"Well," Bob said, chewing his tongue. "We know what that spell does!"
A cat fell on him, yowling.
"Argh! Get this thing off me!"
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"That's an interesting way to start the day." Nigel commented once the self-contained Armageddon ceased.
The Tower's main room was now filled with dozens of much calmer cats, now leisurely lapping up milk from saucers. In the center of it all was Black Odd, who watched in fascination. This was first time cats had never hissed and run away from him. In fact, the cats seemed to like him a bit too much…
"A spell that makes cats fall from the sky," Tim remarked, shaking his head. "That's…different."
"I know! Talk about a 'cat'-tastrophe!" Gar laughed.
The cats hissed. One cat in particular, a small purple fluffy one, actually scratched the changeling in the leg.
"Ow! Not funny!" Gar yelped, jumping on the other leg.
"Speaking of which," Noel said, trying to get one large cat out of his hair. "Where's Rob? I haven't seen him this morning, and even he doesn't sleep in this late."
"Oh, he went out to meet his friend from Japan, that girl Yohko, for breakfast," Kory explained, "Then they are spending the remainder of the day at the Anime convention."
With one painful jerk, Noel succeeded in removing the cat. "Girl? He's out with a girl?"
"I thought the dude couldn't get a girlfriend," Vic said, as a trio of cats dozed on his shoulders. "It's his running gag."
"Oh, Yohko is not his girlfriend," Kory replied, "He told me very clearly when he left. She is his childhood friend, and there is absolutely nothing romantic between them, and there never will, because that would be just plain freaky. That's what he said, anyway…"
Noel shook his head to make sure no other cat were inside. So it was one of those relationships, oy…he hoped Rob would never catch on. He liked teasing him about his lack of love life.
"Could someone help me?" Black Odd asked as cats clambered over him.
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At the Jump City convention hall, Anime-Con Year &#% (A paint-related accident blotted the year out) was in full swing. Booths were up, sales were made, and nerds were mulling about in various costumes, some inappropriate for their gender. One doesn't know agony until they see a grown man dressed as Rushuna Tendo…complete with necessary attachments. The centerpiece of the convention was the real-life construct of the Mach 5 from the classic show, Speed Racer. A crack team of super-intelligent nerds had spent countless weeks building a car that exactly like the show's Mach 5. A little boy in a cowboy hat was busy playing around in the driver's seat, despite many attempts to coax him out from his parents.
And two childhood friends who were not in romantic relationship (One of those relationships) were standing in line to meet Eichiro Oda, a manga artist known for producing one of the three kings of the manga world, One Piece.
Rob grinned. HE always grinned, a goofy, devil-may-care-grin, but this was a different grin. It was a grin some adults have when they think about the day they met Walt Disney, or Jim Henson. He was going to meet Oda. Oda! And he was going to get his autograph, too. He clutched the intended recipient of the signature. It was a jolly roger drawn in One Piece style, but the skull had a mop of spikey hair, and under it was something that might be considered his active Gauntlet arm.
"Hey! It's our turn!" Rob noticed, and moved forward- and stopped. Yohko hadn't budged. "What's wrong?"
"I won't do it." She said, her head bent so that her eyes could not be seen. She was clutching a sketchpad to her chest. "I'll act stupid, I know I will.
"What?" Rob took Yohko's shoulder and gave her an encouraging grin. "Relax, it'll be fine. We'll get his autograph and you can show him your stuff."
Rob led Yohko toward the esteemed manga-ka. "I mean, Oda's just an ordinary guy, like you and me- well, me, anyway. It's not like he's a god or Superman- AAH! OH MY GOD! IT'S ODA!" Rob began to poke the artist's arm. "I'M TOUCHING ODA!!"
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"Bob, what do you do?" Raven asked.
She, Bob and Elmo were playing chess in the park. Well, Raven and Bob were playing chess, while Elmo made a card castle.
"What brought this on?" Bob asked, moving a pawn.
"I have no idea what you do for a living," Raven explained, "You said that magic can't create money- none that's worthwhile. And it's too much to assume everything in your mansion is salvage from some adventure- or stolen. So, what's your job?"
Bob rolled his eyes around in thought. "Well, I partially trade or sell that stuff at the Bazaar of Deva. Most of it may be junk, but at Deva, there's always something that'd pay good money for a tiki idol that sings, or a whistle that summons rainbow monkeys. But for the most part, I'm what you'd call a professional villain."
Raven stared. After a minute, she regained her composure. "I'm sorry, I missed that last part. You're a villain?"
"Professionally, anyway," Bob grinned, "After all, money is the root of all evil, right?"
"…Are we both using the same definition of villain?" Raven asked at last, giving Bob a shrewd look.
"It works like this, kid." Bob said, pulling some photographs out. The first one was a picture of a stereotypical villain- black cloak, goatee and mustache- surrounded by an army of ugly Vikings.
"First, I go to a world that has some good resources and do a little plundering- you know, burn a few villages, build a tower, that sort of thing. Then, a hero rises up."
The next photograph was that of someone- the image was a bit fuzzy- standing amidst some ruins and holding a glowing sword. Then Bob displayed a photo of the Hero walking up a fight of stairs, followed by the ugly Vikings.
"He- or she- goes to challenge me. The Hero fights through my henchmen, we have the final duel, I take a dive and vanish from the world. The day is saved, the hero becomes a legend, and it all ends happily."
"But what do you get out of it?" Raven asked, flummoxed. "I mean, if you purposely lose…"
"Ah, but what few people realize is how much running an evil empire costs," Bob chuckled, "With all the plundering and oppression, why are all of the stormtroopers fools? Why do we have prison cells that can be escaped from with a little quick-thinking?" Bob pulled out a sketchpad that had the equation 'Plunder – defenses = profit' written down. "By spending the bare minimum from my looting on defenses, I'm able to amass a fortune on the difference."
"Why do it at all?" Raven wondered aloud, "Why not just take the money and run?"
"I could do that, but then I'd have an army of henchmen demanding their share of the plunder," Bob replied, "However, by setting them up for their defeat at the hands of the hero, I can say they did not earn it by virtue of being unable to fulfill their duties. And best of all, it makes good practice for the hero when they have to fight a real villain."
Raven stared at her teacher as the full implications of what he said sank in. "That's beyond evil. It's…devious."
"And it works out, doesn't it?" Bob remarked, "I get money, the heroes get exercise, and a legion of idiots get kept off the streets."
Raven groaned and took Bob's rook. "If all the world's a stage…and all men are players…then you must be the director, is that it?"
Bob shook his head. "No…I'm just a player who knows his part."
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At the Anime-Con, one figure took a good long look at the real-life Mach 5. A lot of the nerds and fans took interest in the car, but this lone figure was not a nerd, nor a fan of any animated series made in Japan.
Ding Dong Daddy Dowd was not a criminal mastermind like Slade or the Hive leaders, nor was he was dark and terrible master like the Lord of the Night or Trigon the Terrible. However, if there was something Ding Dong Daddy was the boss of, it was cars. Whether it was chop shops or auto thefts, Daddy knew what he was doing. Ya dig?
And right now, what the Ding Dong Daddy was digging was the slick wheels in front of him. On a subconscious level, he was a bit scared. According to the card, a legion of nerds had poured millions of dollars into making a car that was originally part of a fictional world. But on a superficial level, it was a car, and that's what mattered. Daddy was looking for something to cruise in.
Ding Dong Daddy stepped up onto the platform the Mach 5 was on. He thought he saw a rustle of movement…but that didn't matter right now.
Smoothly sliding into the driver's seat, Daddy fastened his seat belt. The Ding Dong Daddy may be a far-out crook, but he was no fool, daddy-o. He checked the glove compartment.
Groovy. The keys were right there.
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"That was awesome," Rob sighed, examining his autograph. As well as his name, Oda had written an order to remain a minimum of ten yards away on penalty of imprisonment. "I got my John Hancock, and my little freak-out gave you the courage to show off your sketches! All according to plan!"
Yohko smirked. She knew that Rob's little moment was spontaneous, but it had helped her get over her insecurity...and Oda did like her sketches. Maybe she could do it after all…
Vrmm…
She frowned. "What is that noise?"
Rob posturing and put his hand to his ear. "You mean that sound like a car being driven through the convention hall? Beats me."
Before any further discussion on the subject could commence, the Mark 5 blew by, leaving behind a trail of destruction and burnt rubber.
Rob and Yohko stared. Then Rob turned to Yohko and grinned. "Pay up! I told you that thing could run!"
Frowning cutely, Yohko reached for her wallet.
TT-TT-TT-TT-TT-TT
The alert sounded while Robin and Savior were having a sparring session (Savior was losing). Running(And limping, in Savior's case) to the computer, Robin demanded, "What's going on?"
Starfire was examining the read-out. "The Ding Dong Daddy has stolen a car from the convention hall." She announced.
"A car?" Savior asked, leaning against the wall. "What's a car doing at the convention hall!? They're showing anime, not autos!"
Cyborg leaned over Starfire's shoulder. "Says here it's a working model of the Mach 5 from Speed Racer."
"Dude, that's awesome!" Beast Boy whooped, before pausing. "Um, what's Speed Racer?"
Pushing Beast Boy aside, Robin noticed something unusual. "Wait a minute. It says here that Gauntlet's with him!"
The Titans gathered around the screen.
Robin pointed. "His communicator's in the car with Ding Dong Daddy…what's going on?"
"Maybe he helped Daddy steal it." Noel remarked. Robert was originally on the team as community service for robbing a bank.
He got a whack upside the head from Cyborg.
The phone rang. Terra answered.
"Hello… Okay, hold on," She handed the phone to Robin. "It's for you."
"Hello?" Robin's eyes bugged out. "Rob? Where are you calling from!? What happened to your communicator?"
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"I tossed it in the Mach 5 while Dong Ding…Ding Dang…the hepcat crook was making a getaway," explained Gauntlet from a payphone at the anime convention. "I figured you could use it as a tracker. Smart, huh?"
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Robin rubbed his temples. "Only if Daddy doesn't realize it. Do you how much trouble we got into because we lost a communicator?" Robin paused as he listened to Gauntlet's rebuttal. "Yes, I know that was my fault." Another pause. "Tinfoil? All right, I won't press the issue. You still at the convention? Wait there. I'll send someone to pick you up." Hanging up, he turned to the assembled Titans. "Listen up! We're going to track Ding Dong Daddy with Gauntlet's communicator. Spread out and see if you can box him in! I'll go pick up Gauntlet from the convention center! Titans, go!"
TT-TT-TT-TT-TT-TT
(I would like to take this moment to say that I have made a grave error. I described Bob's hat as a fedora, while I visualized it as hat for a Zoot suit. Thank you and goodbye.)
TT-TT-TT-TT-TT-TT
Raven put away her communicator, having just been alerted to the events happening.
To Bob she said, "I gotta go."
Bob shrugged. "Awright. I'm bored with chess anyway," Brightening up, he said, "Next time, let's play stratego!"
Rolling her eyes, Raven put on her hood and flew off…causing Elmo's card castle to collapse for the 5th time.
Elmo threw the last card down in disgust. He was so close, too!
Bob felt hollow sensation in his tummy. "C'mon, Elmo. Let's get something to eat. I want a sandwich…"
TT-TT-TT-TT-TT-TT
Robin arrived at the convention center on his R-Cycle, ready to pick up Gauntlet. According to his radar, Ding Dong Daddy- or at least, the communicator with him- was still in the main city, going at a comparatively slow pace….slower than a race car should go. He must be trying to avoid damaging his new wheels. That was good. But if he made to the open road, he could really speed up. That was bad.
"Later Yohko!"
Robin turned his gaze towards entrance to the convention center, seeing Gauntlet wave good bye to that cute Japanese girl from the Lobster incident.
As Gauntlet hopped onto the motorcycle, Robin couldn't help but say, "I didn't know you had a girlfriend."
Gauntlet blinked. "What girlfriend?"
Robin shook his head revved his engines. They took off. Robin took out his communicator and called the other Titans. "I've got Gauntlet. Anyone catch up with Daddy?"
"I have," Starfire replied. She sounded a bit tweaked. "And I cannot believe that man who talks with the outdated dialect!"
Robin and Gauntlet exchanged looks.
"What do you mean?" Robin asked.
"He is not only a thief of vehicles, but a kidnapper as well!"
"What!?"
TT-TT-TT-TT-TT-TT
Ding Dong Daddy had never thought of himself as a kidnapper. True, one of his earliest operations involved using runaways as labor, but they were closer to teenagers, and they had come to him.
But the little bundle of mischief in shotgun was not a teenager. He looked like he was about…four, maybe.
"Go fast, mistah!" The little runt cried, clinging to his oversized cowboy hat. He was at that age in that while he knew there was danger in the world, he assumed it happened to other people.
Ding Dong Daddy would have stopped the car and let the squirt out, but he saw Starfire flying above in the rear view mirror. If he slowed down, the alien powerhouse would swoop down and end his ride.
Oh well, Daddy Dowd wasn't a man who dwelled on the negatives. "What's your name, cuz?" Daddy asked the boy.
"Froggy, mistah."
"And you wanna go fast, Froggy?"
"Yah!"
"Then, let's punch it, daddy-o!"
The Mark 5 rocketed off, the squeals of tires and little boy echoing in the air.
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"We're catchin' up to Ding Dong Daddy," Cyborg announced. He and Savior were in the T-Car, roaring down the streets. "One more turn and we'll be right behind him. Then what?"
Savior had already gotten a Shimmer strand ready. "I'll just link up with his mind and force him to stop."
"You can't do that, man! Not at these speeds!" Cyborg yelled, "If the connect gets broken, you could destroy his mind!"
"The way Daddy talks, I doubt anyone will notice." Savior replied coolly.
Cyborg whacked him.
"I was joking!" Savior groaned. Being slapped by a hand made of metal hurt.
"Even Beast Boy doesn't make jokes that bad," Cyborg told him sternly, "Any serious plans?"
"I can blow out his tires," Savior said, forming his Shimmer into a blade. "Starfire can grab the kid from above."
Cybrog nodded. "Right, I'm sure that little squirt must be terrified."
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"Please, come into my arms, little one!" Starfire pleaded.
"Nah, I wanna go fast!" Froggy whined, clinging to his seatbelt.
Starfire glared at Ding Dong Daddy. "Release that young child, now!"
"Baby, you can have him!"
TT-TT-TT-TT-TT-TT
Far up ahead, Terra, Beast Boy and Scapel were busy building a barrier. Unlike most 'barriers' produced by average law-enforcement groups, this one was more like a big wall someone had put in the middle of the street, instead of the official but ineffectual wooden fences that mostly told crooks on the go where the line was so that could cross it.
After finishing, Scapel opened his communicator. "Robin, we've finished the barrier."
TT-TT-TT-TT-TT-TT
"Good job." Robin put away his communicator.
"Hey, since I don't have mine, can I borrow your communicator?" Gauntlet asked from his place behind.
"No." Robin said firmly, steering the R-Cycle onto Ding Dong Daddy's street.
What they saw was a scene of chaos greater than rush hour. Savior in the T-Car was trying to get at the Mach 5's tires, but Ding Dong Daddy kept slowing and accelerating every time Cyborg managed to line his car to the stolen one. Above, Starfire kept trying to get the little boy out from his place in shotgun, but little Froggy seemed against it. It was almost as if he didn't want to leave the Mach 5…
"Stockholm Syndrome," Gauntlet sighed, "Fun in theory, a pain in practice."
Robin said nothing, but mentally agreed. To Ding Dong Daddy, he yelled, "Stop the car!"
"Cool it, cuz!" Daddy yelled, "This cat don't break for nobody!"
"I tried," Robin muttered. Then he ordered, "Savior! Gauntlet! Get ready to grab the car! Starfire! Get ready to grab the kid! Cyborg! Make sure he doesn't turn off!"
What followed was an even madder scene of chaos, as three vehicles swerved up and down while two energy masses- the Shimmer and Gauntlet- trying with some effort to get a hold of the Mach 5, while the T-Car and R-Cycle went back and forth in order to keep the nerds united project boxed in. Between all of this, Starfire kept trying to get little Froggy-
"I wanna go fast!"
-Who still refused to leave his 'fun ride'.
Pretty soon the more-effective barrier came into view. Ding Dong Daddy frowned at this.
Robin grinned. Got him.
Then Daddy grinned himself. "You swingers think you've got Daddy, don't you?"
"Unless your car can fly, yeah." Robin replied.
"Then I guess it's time to see how much work those squares put into this ride!" Daddy yelled, and accelerated ahead.
"Yo! What's he doin'!" Cyborg yelled in surprise.
"Is he crazy!?" Savior cried in alarm.
Up on the barrier, the three Titans that made it gawked in horror.
But Ding Dong Daddy just kept grinning. He lifted a finger towards the steering wheel, which had an array of buttons on it, labeled from A-G, and pushed the button at the top, marked A.
"Auto-Jack engaged." A computerized voice announced.
There was a sound like a giant metal spring being released, and four built-in jacks sprang out from the bottom, forcing the Mach 5 up-
Above-
-And over the barrier, leaving the Titans to stare in wonder.
"…Dude, that would be so awesome if it didn't help the bad guy get away." Beast Boy said at last.
There was a loud wham, and Terra, Scapel and Beast Boy looked down the wall to see that Starfire had crashed into it. The T-Car and R-Cycle, meanwhile, had managed to stop before hitting it.
"Silly me," Savior grumbled, "I thought this would be easy."
Robin ignored him, checking his communicator. Looking up from it, he said, "Gauntlet's communicator is still there. We'll have to move fast. Terra! You and Scapel take down this barrier! Everyone else, let's roll!" Then, a beeping. Robin opened his communicator.
"Raven here, I've got Ding Dong Daddy in my sights."
"Be careful," Robin told her, "He's not driving an ordinary car."
TT-TT-TT-TT-TT-TT
"I imagine." Raven replied, and hung up.
She was standing on a bridge over a river. Unless the Mach 5 could swim, she had Ding Dong Daddy. The trick was timing.
There he was…
"Azarath…Mentrion…Zinthos!"
Dark energy poured out of Raven's hands, coating part of the bridge. Just as the Mach 5 drove onto it, the coated part broke free and lifted up.
Ding Dong Daddy halted the car in amazement as the bridge turned, pointing it's back and front toward the river.
Raven gave him a look that offered much violence if he tried anything.
But once again, Ding Dong Daddy smirked in the face of this new obstacle. With one hand, he pulled Froggy out and put him back on the pavement, patting his head. Then, he turned the Mach 5 and speed off, taking the car into the river!
Shocked, Raven rushed to the side. After a few minutes, a little periscope popped out of the water's surface before heading off. Raven facefaulted.
TT-TT-TT-TT-TT-TT
"Heh heh heh… I love Frog mode." Ding Dong Daddy chuckled.
"Me too." Froggy giggled.
"You're still here!?"
TT-TT-TT-TT-TT-TT
Black Odd was out for a walk. After Tara had gone out with the other Titans to stop…Ding Dong Daddy…Black Odd had spent several minutes at the Tower before deciding go out and find good homes for all of the cats, even that mean purple one that seemed to scratch anybody that came near it. So far, this involved finding alleyways that were next to restaurants and food stores. Black Odd thought that this was the normal habitat for all cats, and the concept of a housecat escaped his rather limited imagination.
Now he was on his own, walking down the street in the outfit Tara, Victor, and Garfield had picked out for him. Stopping at a crosswalk, Black Odd waited until the sign said it was okay for him to cross…even though there were no cars around.
After two minutes, the sing changed from 'DON'T WALK' to 'WALK'. Before moving, however, Black Odd looked both ways. All clear. He crossed.
Vrrmm
Halfway across, Black Odd stopped. What was that noise? He turned to look-
THUMP!
And the Mach 5 ran over him.
A tumbleweed blew by.
Then, with some effort, Black Odd sat up, trying to make sense of what had just happened. He inspected himself and came to one conclusion.
"My clothes are dirty."
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Elsewhere in the city, the Titans had erected another barrier. This one differed from the first in two ways; 1) it was much higher than the first, and 2) it was made entirely of wooden crates stacked on top of each other.
True, it wasn't as solid as the last barrier, but the Titans were hoping to bluff Ding Dong Daddy into stopping.
"Whaddya think?" Terra asked.
"I'd take the 'Really solid wall' sign down." Cyborg commented.
As they did just that, the Mach 5 came up.
But he didn't stop. Instead, Daddy just pushed a button on the steering wheel marked C.
"Cutter Blades engaged." The sexy computer voice announced.
Twin buzz saws popped out of the front, effectively carving out a tunnel for the Mach 5.
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In other part of the city, Savior had separated from the others and constructed his own idea of a barrier; a giant net made entirely out of the Shimmer.
"This had better work," Savior muttered, observing his communicator. Ding Dong Daddy was coming right at them. "I mean, it's not like this is a road runner parody, right?"
The cutter blades promptly told Savior what kind of parody this was. As he lay on the street writhing in pain, one phrase, among far less polite and far more profane words, echoed throughout the air.
"GODDAMN NERDS!!"
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Bob stepped out of the deli with a good feeling in his heart. This was going to be a good day, he knew it. True, a cat had fallen on him and he lost his game of chess to Raven, but who cared about that? He had a sandwich!
Bob held the sandwich out and opened his mouth to take a bite…
WHOOSH!
…And the sandwich was gone.
"Huh?" Bob blinked uncomprehendingly. He looked towards the car that had passed.
TT-TT-TT-TT-TT-TT
Ding Dong Daddy took a bite of the sandwich and gagged. "Yech! What square puts honey and jalapeño in a BLT?" he handed it to Froggy. "Here ya go."
"Yah."
TT-TT-TT-TT-TT-TT
Storm clouds gathered. Lightning flashed. Thunder rumbled.
(Not the Titans)
"A cat fell on me…" Bob hissed, clenching his fist. "My student beat me at a game that now bores me… This I can stand… But nobody steals a sandwich from Robert Ziegfried Djinito III Esq.!"
With a primal growl, Bob glared at the departing car.
TARGET: DING DONG DADDY
THREAT LEVEL: MINIMAL
MAGIC LEVEL: NON-EXISTENT
SURVIVAL CHANCES: MAYBE ZERO
PUNISHMENT: OHHH YEAH!
"Ding Dong Daddy," Bob growled, "I swear, with Glod as my witness- You watchin' this, Glod?"
"Yeah, Bob." A dwarf replied.
"I swear, that I will not rest until you have paid for this inexcusable crime! VENDETTA!"
With rage as his momentum and obsession in his legs, Bob tore off down the street.
TT-TT-TT-TT-TT-TT
Black Odd was now at another crosswalk. After he had been run over by the Mach 5 earlier, Black Odd was busy looking for a public laundry to get his clothes cleaned. Now, he had found one.
But it was on the other side of the street.
Looking both ways, Black Odd found the street empty. Nonetheless, he walked at somewhat faster pace.
Unfortunately, the pace he walked at was only 1.4 times the pace he normally walked, and as such, could not get to the other side in time to avoid being run down by Ding Dong Daddy…
THUMP!
…Again.
After a minute, Black Odd got up. Now he had two sets of tire prints on his clothes.
Then he felt the street vibrate. That was all the warning he had.
STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP
"My SANDWICH!" Bob screamed, trampling Black Odd.
After Bob vanished into the horizon, Black Odd slowly began to crawl towards the sidewalk.
"Maybe I should go back to the Tower…"
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Raven had felt the tremors of rage with empathy. And even if she couldn't feel emotions, the theatrical storm clouds that had gathered over Perez Street were a sure sign of trouble.
Flying over the city, Raven flipped open her communicator.
"Robin, we have a problem." She told him.
"What now?"
"It's Bob," Raven explained, "He's going after Ding Dong Daddy."
"What? Why? I thought Bob wasn't going to help us with these things."
"I'm not entirely sure, but I'm pretty sure it's not going to be helpful." Raven had a feeling that whatever reason Bob had to attack Ding Dong Daddy, only he would understand…and maybe Gauntlet.
"I'm going to try and intercept him," Raven told Robin, "You guys get the trap ready."
All she knew for sure was that if Bob's rage was still burning when he got a hold of Ding Dong Daddy, there might not be a Ding Dong Daddy left to arrest…
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Robin closed his communicator. He wasn't sure why Bob was getting involved, but he would have to trust Raven.
Meanwhile, the Titans would have to get their plan moving on their own.
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Raven flew through the city, tracking Ding Dong Daddy with the locator in Gauntlet's communicator, and Bob with her own senses. It was a bit tricky, like reading a book through a mirror, but it wasn't as confusing as that. Not quite as confusing, anyway.
But the problem was that Bob must have been really upset, as he normally buried his own power beneath any mystical sensing. Now he was so riled up that he didn't even bother. The flash of power was akin to someone turning on a bright light after hours of darkness. And that gave her a headache, like eating a lot of ice cream within a minute.
(Yeah…I'm using a lot of similes)
Even worse…Bob was now practically on top of Daddy.
Raven braced herself for the explosion, figurative or otherwise.
None came.
Raven relaxed, though confused. Where's the ka-boom? There's supposed to be an earth-shattering ka-boom…isn't there?
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"Gimme my sandwich!" Bob whined, slapping Ding Dong Daddy on the shoulder.
"Whoa, cool it, cuz!" Daddy cried, trying to fend off the whiner. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his wallet. "Here's twenty bucks- buy two sandwiches."
Bob grabbed the bill with glee. "All right!"
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Raven stared in resigned confusion as Bob and Ding Dong Daddy argued over the settings of the radio.
"…Figures." She muttered.
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Out of town, the Titans finished preparing for their plan to catch Ding Dong Daddy. After determining what the Mach 5 could and couldn't do, Robin, Cyborg, Starfire, Beast Boy, and Scapel began to try and herd the car towards a certain exit out of the city. There, Terra, Savior, and Gauntlet would trap him. Terra would use her powers to catapult the Mach 5 into the air, and Savior and Gauntlet would catch it with their powers.
"I see him coming," Savior said, looking through a pair of binoculars. "Get ready!"
"Roger!" Terra pulled out a huge mound of dirt by the road, putting it back after she was in the hole. A periscope and a hollow bamboo rod poked out of it. Ahead, Gauntlet hopped into a barrel labeled 'NOT a disguise'.
Shaking his head, Savior got into his own hiding place- a large boulder that was hollowed out with two eyeholes. The boulder was pretty thin, so that when it was time he could easily burst out of it.
And so the three of them waited.
And waited.
And waited.
"What's taking him?" Terra said through the bamboo rod.
Confused, Savior got out of his boulder and looked. It seemed like the Mach 5 had ground to a complete stop. Raven was there, but she didn't seem to be doing anything…he could see no sign of her power.
Flipping open his communicator, Savior asked, "Raven, what's going on?"
"Apparently," Raven replied, "The fleet of nerds that made this stupid car forget one important thing- fuel efficiency."
Savior felt an uneasy feeling in his gut. "You're not saying…"
"That's right- ran outta gas."
The hidden Titans facefaulted.
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Soon, the police and tow truck arrived for Ding Dong Daddy and the Mach 5, respectively.
And Froggy still wouldn't leave.
"I wanna go fast." The little boy insisted, clinging to the steering wheel. Neither Shimmer, Gauntlet, nor Starfire's pleas would get the runt to release his grip.
So Cyborg tried a different approach. "Tell ya what, little man. I'll let you steer the T-Car."
"Okay." Froggy let go of the wheel, landing on top of Savior and Gauntlet. As he toddled over to the T-Car, he looked over his shoulder at the handcuffed Ding Dong Daddy.
"Byyyee." He said, waving his cowboy hat. Everyone sweatdropped.
Was even aware of his own peril? Starfire wondered.
After the police and tow truck carted Ding Dong Daddy and the Mach 5 away, Robin looked at the rest of the Titans. While the events hadn't been as painful or mentally traumatizing as the Lord, Kurai, or the White Hole, they were still quite annoying. Not to mention weird.
"Well, Titans, it was good ride while it lasted," the Teen Wonder said, feigning humor, "Let's go home."
"Right," Cyborg said, getting in the driver's seat of the T-Car. After a minute, he got Froggy to sit in his lap. "I'll see you back at the Tower as soon as I get this kid home."
The other Titans then left, Savior through Raven's shadows, Starfire carrying Scapel, and Robin on his R-Cycle, with Gauntlet riding on the back. Terra and Beast Boy decided to ride with Cyborg.
"All right, let's get goin'!" Cyborg declared, and hit the accelerator.
Nothing happened.
"…Heh heh heh… Outta gas…"
The facefaulted.
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At a deli shop…
"Whaddya mean the money's no good!?" Bob demanded, irate.
"Sir, a bill with Louis Armstrong is not actual currency." The man behind the counter sighed.
Bob took the twenty dollar bill back and scrutinized it. Yep, there he was, Louie Armstrong.
"A pox on thee, Ding Dong Daddy," Bob screamed into the heavens and Glod, "A pox!"
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A/N: I have nothing to really say, but I do have some notes for consideration.
I, like several others no doubt, assumed Ding Dong Daddy was a creation of the animated series' creators. However, hepcat car thief was in fact a one-shot villain the first Teen Titans busted (And I mean, the first. Back when it was just a sidekick brigade- ahh, no bricks!)
Bob's admission of 'professional' villainy is another shoutout to the Discworld series. In the books Carpe Jugulum and The Last Hero, we are introduced to rogues such as Count Magpyre Sr. and Evil Harry, 'old school' villains who purposely make all the traditional mistakes in return for being allowed to escape at the last minute. Plus the name 'Glod' is commonly used as a name for dwarves in Discworld.
Little Froggy is based on those old cartoons where a baby wanders onto a construction site is genuinely unaware of how close death is. I imagine Froggy as being that baby.
Other than that, I say, please review!