Project H: Twilight
By Panicattack/ Project H
Part 2
*La Push, it's French for 'The Push'*
Jacob: Hi Bella, remember me? We used to meet up out the front of your house. I'd present you with a truck, and then we'd make mud pies
Angela: Good thing you're here, Bella's date bailed
Jessica: He made bail? Good for him, I knew those stalking charges wouldn't hold up
Angela: She invited Edward
Sam: The Cullens don't come here!
Bella: What did your friend mean about the Cullens not coming here?
Jacob: You caught that, huh?
Bella: Yes, he yelled it at me about 5 seconds ago
Jacob: I'm not supposed to say anything about it. My family are descended from wolves and the Cullens are from an enemy clan that drink blood
Bella: Is the reason you're not supposed to talk about it because everyone will laugh at you family's ridiculous stories?
***
*Pier*
Waylon singing: My mama said I didn't know how to make a kitten meow…
Vampires: *Kill Waylon*
James: My mama said I didn't know how to kill a man and drain him of his blood. Clearly she was wrong
***
*School yard*
Bella: It sure is hot. Why isn't Edward here? Doesn't he only like hot things?
Jessica: Clearly not if he's interested in you
Angela: I just asked Eric to the prom. Just like a strong, independent woman
Bella: Not so much if you immediately come and seek approval from your friends
Angela: Sure you can't come?
Bella: Yeah sorry, I can't. I've got a weird family thing
Jessica: Sounds sexy
Angela: Wanna come watch us try on dresses just so you know how much fun you're missing out on?
Bella: You bet!
***
*Dress shop*
Jessica: This one's nice, do you reckon they have it in brother-love blue
Shop assistant: I keep telling you that's not a real colour
Guy walking past: Looking good, baby!
Jessica: Dear God, it's like you can't get changed in front of a large window that looks out onto the street without the possibility of a stranger seeing you
Bella: Some world
***
*Quileute bookstore*
Cashier: Here's your book. Would you like to join our email list? We'll keep you updated if any member of our tribe finds a new animal they think they're related to. If you ask me, my ex-wife comes from a family of pigs. Hi-yo!
*Outside*
Guy: Hey baby, wanna hang out with us?
Bella: Behind the dog
You'll find a ball
Raise your knee
Watch him fall
*knees guy in groin*
Boy 2: Ooh, I love assaults that rhyme
We're not that tough
We're actually wussy
Drop your pants
I'll grab your-
Edward: *Speeds around corner*
Don't be fooled by the perm
Or the poncy coats
Get out of here
Or I'll rip out your throats
***
*In the car*
Edward: You should have heard the horrible things they were thinking
Bella: I'm pretty sure one of them was thinking "Oh God, my groin!"
Edward: That would have been me. The car-lock was still on the seat when I sat down
*Restaurant*
Jessica: Bella, where were you? We waited, but eventually they waiter got fed up with me insisting that he call me 'auntie' and rub my leg
Edward: Sorry I kept Bella from dinner. We ran into each other, started talking, Bella was nearly raped, and we totally lost track of the time
Jessica: That's exactly how my parents met. Except it ended with my dad sitting on a car-lock. The doctor said it would damage his sperm and could screw up his kids, but my seriously sexy dad totally proved them wrong
Edward: I should make sure Bella get something to eat
Jessica: I wouldn't mind a little something to nibble myself
*Inside the restaurant*
Waitress: So that's a mushroom ravioli for the girl, and a lingering flirtatious smile for the boy
Edward: I didn't order that
Waitress: It's on the house
Guy at other table: I think I'd like one of those
Waitress: Uh, they're off the menu
Bella: You gotta give me some answers
Edward: Yes, no, to get to the other side, 42, one of its legs is both the same, because Jessica was raised in an abusive household, 13 inches, 1.77245…
Bella: I don't want to know what the square root of…wait, what did you say before that?
Edward: Never mind
Bella: How did you know where I was?
Edward: I took the square root of pi and carried the 1
Bella: *Starts leaving*
Edward: No, I'm sorry. I was just speeding dangerously around the local area and happened to find you
Bella: So more stalking, huh?
Edward: When I heard what those low-lives were thinking I-
Bella: Wait, you heard what they were thinking?
Edward: I can read every mind in this room, except for yours and the guy in the corner with the tinfoil hat. *Starts motioning towards others* Money, sex, money, sex, cat, paying money for sex with a cat. Oh, I see the tinfoil guy has taken off his hat. Everyone's mind except yours
Bella: Is there something wrong with me? And yes, I realise that's an odd question to ask someone who thinks hair like that actually looks good and clearly plucks his eyebrows
Edward: I have considered that. You might just be incredibly thick, although that hasn't stopped me from reading Jessica's mind
Bella: Charming. It's a wonder you've never been able to find a girlfriend
Edward: I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore
Bella: Anymore? You come up to me every day and say we shouldn't hand out, then you hang around me saying how dangerous it is and now today I take a trip out of town and you follow me and then insist we have dinner! What strength? I haven't spent a minute away from you since I got to Forks, you creepy psychopathic freak!
Edward:…what?
Bella: You can Google it
***
*Car*
Bella: OK, I think I'm warm enough *goes to turn off heater and touches Edward's hand*. Your hand is so cold. I thought you didn't like cold, wet things
Edward: I don't
Bella: So you don't like your own hands? You have no girlfriend and you don't like your own hands? No wonder you're so uptight
*They drive past the police station*
Bella: That's my dad's car, can you pull in?
Edward: My dad's car too
Carlisle: Hey guys. The fisherman Waylon was attacked by an animal. There were two bite marks in his neck, he was drained of his blood and there was a note on the body reading "Yes, he was killed by vampires". Naturally, the police are suspecting a bear, or possibly a rabid parrot. Bella, you should go inside
Bella: *Goes inside*
Edward: Fishing, huh? How come you never take me fishing?
Carlisle: I thought you hated water
Edward: Well maybe I wouldn't hate it if you took me fishing! *Starts sobbing*
***
*Forest*
Bella: You're impossibly fast and strong. Your skin is pale white and ice cold. Your eyes change colour, you have little to no personality, and a weird obsession with Google. How old are you?
Edward: 17
Bella: How long have you been 17?
Edward: A while
Bella: When you say a while, do you mean like, 11 months?
Edward: No. I mean like, many years
Bella: Do you mean dog years?
Edward: No
Bella: I know what you are
Edward: Say it. Out loud
Bella: Leprechaun
Edward: No
Bella: Frankenstein
Edward: Not quite
Bella: Zombie, mummy, mermaid
Edward: No. We're not in Egypt. I don't have fins
Bella: Chupacabra, banshee, werewolf
Edward: No, but keep the last one in the back of your mind
Bella: Umm…
Edward: Think about it. Cold skin, no sunlight…
Bella: Leprechaun
Edward: Vampire!
Bella: That was my next guess
Edward: Are you afraid?
Bella: Yes. I think this forest has snakes
Edward: Of me?
Bella: No. You can protect me from the snakes
Edward: Ask me the most basic question: What do we eat?
Bella: Snakes?
Edward: *Walks into sunlight*
Bella: No! You'll burst into flames!
Edward: Not quite. I sparkle like diamonds
Bella: Wuss. I almost wish you were a leprechaun. It's like Dracula and a disco ball had a baby
Edward: I'm a killer
Bella: Not with the ladies, obviously
Edward: An actual killer
Bella: Did you bore them to death with your conversation skills? Or did they die of laughter when they saw you sparkle?
Edward: I wanted to kill you. Your scent is like a drug to me. Like my own personal brand of heroin. I call it Edward's Choice, and one day I hope to wake up in a gutter with you all over my face and no idea of how I got there
Bella: You have such a magical way with words
Edward: You don't know how long I've waited for you
Bella: 11 months?
Edward: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb
Bella: What a stupid lamb
Edward: What a sick, masochistic lion
Bella: Isn't that some sort of bestiality
Edward: There are no laws in the jungle
Bella: Well how old is the lamb? It might be paedophilia
Edward:…what a stupid lamb
Bella: Wait a minute, how old are you?
Edward: Over 100
Bella: I'm only 17. Dear God, you're a paedophile
Edward: No no, it's not paedophilia if I look young
Bella: The prosecution rests, your honour
***
Bella thinking: About three things I was absolutely positive: First, Edward was a stalker. Second, Edward was a paedophile. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. And why not, he was clearly the perfect man
TO BE CONTINUED…