Project H: Twilight
By Panicattack/ Project H
Part 3
*Forest*
Bella: So none of your family drink human blood?
Edward: No, we only feed on the blood of animals. We consider ourselves vegetarians
Bella: Because you're the exact opposite of vegetarians?
Edward: Correct
Bella: Can the rest of your family read minds?
Edward: No, but some of them have powers based on their strengths as humans. Alice had a knack for predicting things, so she can see into the future. Jasper was good at appealing to people's emotions, so he can control the mood of his environment. Emmett could do a party trick involving a can of beans and a cigarette lighter. You don't want to know what his power is
***
*Front of the Swan house*
Edward: I'm going to take you to meet my family *bumps dent out of car, and also throws car into forest*. Oops, my bad
Bella: Your family? What if they don't like me?
Edward: Then I guess they'll have to fill up on bread. Wait, my Eddy sense is tingling. I must leave
Bella: Why?
Edward: I need to go and wolf down some Edward's Choice *leaves*
*Jacob and Billy arrive*
Bella: Hi, come to visit your truck?
Jacob: She's looking clean, easy to ride and can fit at least 3 guys inside. And the truck isn't looking too bad either
***
*Cullen Kitchen*
Rosalie: Is she even Italian?
Emmett: Her name is Bella
Rosalie: But her surname is Swan, that's not Italian
Esme: Swan? Maybe we should have cooked bird
Emmett: Wouldn't that be cannibalism?
*Bella and Edward walk in*
Edward: Bella, this is Esme. My mother, for all intents and purposes
Esme: It's a pleasure to meet you. We're cooking Italiano for you
Bella: Bon giorno
Esme: Ah, molto bene
Edward: Eh…mi chiamo gatto
Carlisle: I hope you're hungry
Bella: I hope you're not
Carlisle: Ahahaha, seriously though eat the pasta
Edward: Actually she already ate
Rosalie: *Breaks bowl, the universally recognised sign of angry vampire* Great
Carlisle: Rosalie, if the worst thing that happens to us with the introduction of a human into our family is that a plate of garlic bread goes to waste, I'll consider this a success
*Edward and Bella ascend the stairs (Yeah that's right, I said ascend. Finally putting the university degree to good use)*
Bella: Graduation caps?
Edward: We matriculate a lot
Bella: Sure. I mean, if I was immortal I'd probably use it to complete high school over and over again too
Edward: It's sort of an in-joke
Bella: Oh yeah, nothing gets my sides-a-splitting like a good graduation
*Edward's room*
Bella: No bed?
Edward: You've sure got a one-track mind
Bella: These your journals?
Edward: Yes. They're filled with the musings of my old, tortured soul
Bella: These are filled with pictures of Garfield that you've drawn boobs on
Edward: Tortured, tortured soul. I think you'll find the later entries to be more sophisticated and mature, reflecting my old age
Bella: Yes, there are a lot of angry letters to the newspaper beginning with the phrase "Why, oh why…"
Edward: Tortured, tortured soul
Bella: You've got a lot of music. How have you sorted them?
Edward: By year, then by preference, then alphabetically, then by how much the artist resembles Emmett, then by the drugs the songwriter was on at the time, then Nickelback
Bella: You've got quite an eclectic taste in music
Edward: All my family do. I found Jeff Buckley to be delicious, but Carlisle preferred Pavarotti. He got a much bigger meal than I did too
Bella: What are you listening to now? *Hits button on stereo*
Stereo: It's time to eat a schoolgirl
This next one looks quite filling
Pretend that you're in love with her
Get started with the killing...
Edward: That's an original composition. You wouldn't like it. Let's try an out-of-copyright piano piece
Bella: Let's dance
Edward: No, I don't have any David Bowie. We're stuck with Clare de Lune
*The two dance awkwardly for several minutes, before moving downstairs to the piano*
Edward: I've written a song for you with my tortured, tortured soul. Would you like to hear it?
Bella: Do I have a choice?
Edward: Of course, you can leave now if you want. Although on your way out you'll be smeared with blood and introduced to Jasper again
Bella: I'll listen then
Edward: Excellent
The Vampire
(To the tune of 'The Wrestler' by Bruce Springsteen)
Have you ever seen a brooding boy, looking at you like you're a piece of meat?
If you've ever seen that brooding boy then you've seen me
Have you ever seen a freakish kid, who takes five seconds to run down the street?
If you've ever seen a freakish kid then you've seen me
Then you've seen me, I drink much more blood than I should
Then you've seen me, though lately I'm trying to be good
Then you've seen me, but that girl in biology class, she gives me wood
Tell me, girl, I would "stake" you if I could
Tell me have my words been understood?
Have you ever seen a sparkly man, taking a girl up a tall tree?
If you've ever seen a sparkly man then you've seen me
Have you ever seen a pervert sneaking into a girl's room to watch her sleep?
If you've ever seen that pervert then you've seen me
Then you've seen me, I take the window not the door
Then you've seen me, I really wanted to tear your throat before
Then you've seen me, but I might kill you when your blood, it hits the floor
Tell me, girl, should I explain myself some more?
Tell me so I don't have to sing anymore
Right now you probably think I'm weird, I bet
But if you stay with me I'm sure you won't regret
And with your personality I'm the best you're gonna get
In 100 years you're the first girl that I like
And without me the best you could get is Mike
'Cause most of the boys in town think you're a dyke
Have you ever seen a vampire who doesn't seem like a vamp even slightly
If you've ever seen that vampire then you've seen me
So, what do you think?
Bella: *Asleep*
***
*Café*
Mike: Yo, Arizona!
Bella: Do you always call people by the place they're from?
Mike: Sure do. That Pakistani girl from Lahore really hated me. I don't like you and Cullen
Bella: What about just me?
Mike: I love that. But Cullen looks at you like you're something to eat. It's like you're his own personal brand of heroin
Bella: Why is it guys keep comparing me to heroin?
Mike: Well you are extremely white. I'm worried about how he'll treat you. He seems controlling. Ask yourself this; who wears the pants in the relationship?
Bella: I like to think that if the relationship is going well, neither of us is wearing pants *enters café*
Charlie: So, any boys in town catch your eye?
Bella: Are we really going to talk about boys?
Charlie: Why, would you rather talk about girls? That's a perfectly acceptable lifestyle. There are plenty of cute girls around. I reckon Angela would be anybody's after a few drinks
Bella: No Dad, I like boys, but I don't really want to have this conversation
Charlie: A lot of them seem interested in you
Bella: They think I'm the girl for them and that I'm fun and exciting, but I'll just end up making them depressed
Charlie: Yeah, it's like you're their own personal brand of heroin
Bella:...OK, what the hell is this about?
***
*Bella's room. Bella on the phone with mother*
Renee: You'd love it here in Jacksonville. It's depressing and everybody is miserable all the time. You'd fit right in
Bella: I'm starting to like Forks
Renee: Could a guy have anything to do with that?
Bella: Yeah...
Renee: I knew it. Is he a jock?
Bella: He's a paedophilic stalker with a heroin addiction
Renee: He sounds perfect for you!
Edward: *Appears* You've got a way with words yourself
Bella: Mum, can I talk to you later?
Renee: Come on, we gotta talk boys! Are you using protection?
Bella: Don't worry, I've got kneepads *hangs up*. How did you get in?
Edward: The window. I like to watch you sleep. Most people stop wetting the bed at around age 4. Let me try something *starts kissing Bella*
Bella: *Starts kissing Edward*
Edward: No, that's not how this relationship works. You just sit there and let me do whatever I want to you. I like to call it a "traditional" relationship
Bella: People under the age of 100 like to call it an "abusive" relationship. Wanna spend the night?
Edward: You bet!
***
*Baseball field*
Bella: Baseball?
Edward: Well it is the American pastime, and vampires began a lot of the traditions. Mascots, uniforms, drinking the blood of anyone who strikes out
Bella: They don't do that anymore
Edward: Yeah, the game isn't what it once was
Alice: Evil vampires cometh!
Bella: Run!
Edward: It's too late
Bella: But you're super fast
Edward: Too late, just hide your hair. Be quiet and stand behind me. That's a phrase you should get used to for when we're married
Laurent: I believe this ball belongs to you
Bella: They don't realise I'm human, we can still run for it
Edward: Too late
James: *Notices Bella* Ah, you brought a snack
Edward: You better be talking about the fun-size Twix in my pocket
James: No, I'm talking about the girl by your side
Edward: That better be your nickname for fun-size Twix
James: No, it's my nickname for that pretty little thing next to you
Edward: You'd better be talking about the pretty little fun-size Twi-
James: Shut up! I want to eat your girlfriend!
Edward: Is it still too late to run?
Bella: Probably
TO BE CONTINUED…