I must go to her. I must apologize properly, I had never imagined the pain she went threw. I was a monster, but I couldn't leave this angle. She is mine, mine and mine alone. I will apologize I will spend eternity making it up to her. But before I could I heard her bedroom door open. Turning I saw her, smiling happily. How can she hide this pain? How could I have overlooked it?
"Bella, could you tell me something?"
"Sure." Bella smiled at me, completely trusting.
"Are you alright?"
"Yes."
"Bella, I know you aren't. I'm sorry but I read your journal." I held up her journal and her eyes widened. Her face had gone milky white, I hope she wont get sick.
"you….read…my…….journal?" Bella's voice was almost completely denying and tears were streaming down her cheeks. "Why? Why would you do that?"
"I didn't mean to, love, I just kind of happened upon it. And I didn't realize it was your journal until I opened it up, I thought it was just a ordinary book. I would of closed it, put it away and stayed far away giving you your privacy. But the only four words I read till I figured it was yours were the words 'I want to die'. Care to explain?" I start to glare, I know I'm in the wrong. Bella was contemplating suicide though, why. I had told her spicily not to do anything reckless while I was away, and she wanted to kill herself. How do I know that she wasn't trying to kill herself when she did jump off the cliff or even the motorbikes?
"Why should I explain? I cant believe you Edward, you read my journal! Do you have any idea of how much trust you just broke!?" Bella asked me, the words she said seemed like they should be yelled. Yet with them being quietly whispered, it was so much worse.
"Love, you were contemplating suicide. I hardly think that the way I got to this knowledge is very important at this moment. Were you trying to kill yourself?" I asked, becoming more disgusted in myself with each passing second.
"How much did you read?" Bella asked in that quiet whisper that her voice seemed to be stuck on.
"All of it." I sighed, this wasn't the point.
"Then you should know, I wanted to die, but I wouldn't kill myself. That would have been too easy, and when has my life ever been easy?" Bella asked, I must of looked confused because she continued on. "Would you like to know what my whole life is like, Edward?" I was caught in slow motion, vampires are supposed to be above shock, but obviously Bella was a enigma in every sense.
"You see Edward, Renee got pregnant with me in senior year, only a month left of it. Charlie proposed, cause that's what you do when you get a girl pregnant, you marry her." Bella walked past me and sat on her bed, flopping to a laying position. I hesitantly walked over and carefully crawled beside her. She stared at the ceiling, seeing things I couldn't see. I'm not sure me seeing them would be the best thing right now.
"Renee, ever being the flake, refused to listen to anything the doctor said. Their were a bunch of complications, I got checked a lot when I was younger at five they were able to tell I wasn't permanently affected. Their was just a chance they could of lost me during the term and delivery, the c-section saved my life." I gasped as she said this, my sweet Bella had been so close to not making it past birth, and from the way she talked because her mother didn't feel like listening to a doctor. I knew a little about her mother's mind from the attack at Phoenix, but I had never realized just how vain and selfish and just plain immature her mother really was. Bella continued almost bored with her near death when she was born, when she lacked any way of defending herself.
"Charlie never really knew, Renee always insisted on seeing the doctor herself. One time she got really serious about this guy when I was ten, once he saw me, he wanted a little one of his own. He was extremely possessive and when they both found out that she couldn't have a child because of the complications in my pregnancy they were livid. I had never felt worse about myself in my life…well almost never." I put my head down, I knew she was talking about when I left her.
"From the time I went into third grade till the begging of ninth grade the kids enjoyed teasing me. Nothings a bigger target then being pale in Arizona, especially if you don't stick up for yourself and don't have blonde hair and blue eyes. In ninth grade they finally backed off, only a little though. that's why I don't understand everyone being interested in me at school. It's a blessing to just get by being invisible. Invisibility is my only power, the one that's kept me safe for years. Then I met you and you know the rest." Bella finished lamely, she was such a good person, I leaned down to pepper kisses all over her face and neck. I know she didn't want to cry so I just held her and allowed her to feel my safe arms around her.