Race Against My Mind

A/N: This one is a sequel to "She's Not Here." Didn't think I'd do it, but I think I'll make it a trilogy. This is all hypothetical here. We'll see how it goes. In case some haven't gotten the hospital ending, She's Not Here goes along with it. (Don't shoot Lillian, Forgive Adam, and do whatever with Wheeler to get this ending). Anyway, Here's the story. (Note, this story is in 3rd person, rather than 1st. That was an experiment. ;)

His eyes fell on the cracked floor, and there was nothing else in the room to divert his attention. Ale had sat there for at least two hours right now, and no nurse had come in, asking whether he was alright, or whether he wanted to talk. This was the highlight of his day. The doctor had already administered the electroshock therapy for the day, and he was simply drowning in the peaceful hours he spent in this room.

No Visitors today…

No one had come for the past week to see him. Anyone who did was marred by the nightmarish version that Ale kept seeing. Adam had come to see him the last time, and all Alex could see were the two halves of his body that had been hanging from the makeshift wrack in the church. Lillian hadn't been to see him at all, but how could he blame her? He'd killed her, right? Though she had begged for death, and he had finally given in, Alex still saw the bullet hole in her chest from where he had shot her Elle hadn't shown herself, either. Was she ok? Had all that really happened?

Well, I'm here and not running from the freaky shit that I saw in… I guess my dream… What is going on? I started out in this dump, and now I'm back in it… Does that mean Josh is here?

Alex grimaced as the door opened. The inevitable had finally happened. A nurse had finally come in just to check on him.

"Alex, how are you today?"

Her voice was kind, but in a false sense. It sounded like she was biting back a nasty comment. Her false smile and cheery voice were enough to make him want to talk, just to get her off his case.

"Hmmm." Alex groaned feebly. This was enough to get her attention.

"Oh, you talked did you? Good. I'll alert Dr. Copen of your progress." She headed briskly out of the room, and stayed outside for awhile, but in about ten short minutes, a doctor with something of a sinister smile entered the room.

"So Alex, you've decided to finally talk to us now, have you?" Not waiting for him to answer, he pressed on. "Good. Anyone you'd like me to notify?"

Alex took a second to register this. It had been awhile since someone had actually talked to him, and not about him. He looked pointedly at the two pictures on his night table. One was of him and his parents picnicking on the shores of Toluca Lake. It was before Josh was born. He looked happy, but he wasn't. He had finally acted happy to please his parents, who were happy. The other picture was of one of Nora's last birthdays. It had also been taken at the lake. Nora had been in front, surrounded by Elle and Alex, with Margaret behind them. This had been after her husband had left. It was one of the happier moments. The doctor nodded, and left the room. He presumably made a phone call. Alex was left alone again, and the nurse came, changed his clothes, which were old hospital scrubs, and made sure he looked decent, as with every visit. Once she left the room, he started thinking again. It seemed that that was all he ever did anymore.

What's the doctor telling them? Is he saying that I just had a moment of clarity? Maybe he's just telling them that I made a sound… Either way, they won't come… I should get used to this by now…

The doctor came back, looking at him with what looked like false sympathy. He simply said "You'll have a visitor, soon." And left. When the door shut, he heard the electronic lock click shut. It felt like a prison here. The next few minutes were spent as the last had been, staring. He heard a distant door creak open, and the sound of heels. At first, he thought of the demon nurses, but that thought quickly vacated his mind when the door opened. The doctor's voice was heard.

"Let us know immediately if he starts acting up. He's been taking less medication lately." The door shut, and eventually, Alex looked up.

Her again…

Judge Holloway sat down, looking him over, and he felt a weight lift from his shoulders. When the doctors or nurses or even his father were in the room, he felt like he had something to prove with them. All she would do was wait and watch. This was the most interesting thing. There was no pressure with her. Today, she actually spoke, her voice as calm and actually comforting as he could remember.

"I heard you actually spoke today." Her eyes sparked, when he slowly nodded. It looked like a reflex, but she took it differently. His eyes roved the room again, stopping on the window. She followed his lead, seeing what looked like claw marks. He then looked back at her, trying to raise his hands. The straight jacket prevented that, but it had been put on rather loose, compared to normal fitting.

Giving up on that, he looked directly at her, waiting for something. Whatever that was, she didn't know. A comfortable silence settled between them, causing him to relax even more, and for about twenty minutes, that was all there was, silence. Finally breaking it, Margaret sat up straighter. Her eyes were slightly narrowed, due to the darkness in the room.

"Alex, what is going through your mind right now?" Knowing he wouldn't talk, she simply said this to get it out in the open. Sometimes, that was all she did. Coming here was an outlet. Alex looked somewhat sadly at her, and she could tell he was deep in thought.

I should say something…. She's come here every day for the past… I don't know months? Why the hell can't I say something, anything?

Feeling bitter about his own vow of silence, Alex looked for another way to communicate. Finding none, he grunted slightly in frustration.

"What is it? You look frustrated."

I am frustrated… Here you are, the only one who gives a shit, and I can't even say anything… How screwed up is this?

Apparently this showed in his eyes, and she nodded in understanding. "You don't have to talk. I get what you're thinking. Your face is like an open book. I wish Elle was that easy these days." The look he gave her was one of concern and question. She went on to explain.

"Elle isn't the cheery girl you remember, Alex. She's gotten bitter since you've been gone. Honestly, I don't know what she's doing or anything anymore." Pausing, she looked at her watch. It took a minute to see the time, due to the darkness and the foggy light coming in from the filthy window. Alex made it out to be 6:02pm. She didn't seem too concerned either.

"Elle hardly comes home anymore. Instead, she stays out and about, working with Wheeler and your father. I don't see the appeal. Wheeler is a believer in aliens and conspiracy theories, and you know how your father is…"

This time, there was no response from him. Alex sat there, looking at a small box like thing on the ceiling. His gaze had been fixed on it since she had started talking the last time. Following him, she saw it.

"A camera?"

He said and did nothing, just stared at it, as though he wanted it to go away. Seeing no recording light on it, Margaret dismissed it.

"It's not working. Looks broken, just like all the rest of this junk."

Is it true? Are they really not spying on me? I thought they were watching for any sign of improvement. That way they could take me away again into that room where there's no food or water for days… I thought they wanted me to stay…. I guess the way I am… Drugged up and stupid.

He looked back at her, seeing her cell go off. She looked at the caller ID. "Elle." Answering, she stood up, looking around the room, now that the cell's backlight was bright.

"Elle, what is it?"

"Where are you? When are you coming home? Nora is sick."

"How bad is it?"

"Puke bad. She's sicker than-"

"Alright. I'll be headed home soon. Take her to Doctor Fitch's office. I'll meet you there."

"Ok."

Without a 'goodbye', Elle hung up, causing her mother to frown. She turned, seeing Alex look at her.

"Nora's coming down with something. I hope it's not the flu…" She crossed the room, placing a warm hand on his cold shoulder. "I'll be back tomorrow. Don't give up."

He looked up with what apparently looked like 'I won't.' on his face. As her arms went around him, Alex felt a sea of warmth coming from her. The hospital was cold, and this was his only source of comfort, aside from sitting in the sunshine, when the window was clean. It lasted for a minute, then she was gone. He lay back, seeing the ceiling darken with the setting sun. He felt the rock-hard pillow under his head, and just tried to sleep. It eventually came, but not nearly as fast as he hoped.

Elle paced the small reception area of Doc Fitch's office, waiting for her mother, and was finally joined by her about fifteen minutes later. Judge Holloway looked tired, but pleased. Elle questioned her immediately.

"Where have you been?"

"Excuse me?"

"Where have you been? Nora has been feeling crappy for hours. Why don't you let people know where you're going?"

"You're lecturing me, when you fail to let me know where you are, when you'll be home, and what you're doing? What a hypocritical thought."

"Cut the crap, Mom. You're usually the responsible one, but now you're sneaking off every day? Where do you go?"

"It doesn't matter. You're never home anyway. Nora's growing up, and you're already out the door."

"Maybe I wouldn't be, if you were home! You go to work, leave for awhile and disappear from the world, then suddenly you come back when it's almost ten at night! You're never home! I needed you when Alex disappeared, and you weren't there."

"That's where I've been going." Her voice was quiet and even sad. Elle looked at her.

"What?"

"That's right. I've been going there and checking on him. Every day, I've been going."

"Any improvement?" Elle had heard the news that Alex was mentally unstable. She just didn't know how unstable. Her mother nodded slightly.

"Since I've started seeing him, I don't know… Some days, he is there, others he wasn't. Today, he apparently made a noise. That's why I went to see him earlier. They called me."

"And?"

"And he looks alright, doesn't talk, and needs all the attention he can get right now." Margaret walked toward the counter, where Doc Fitch was filling out a prescription. "What's wrong with her?"

"Nora has just got a mild stomach virus. Get her this, and give it to her every six hours, and she'll be fine within a week."

"Thanks. Will do."

"Good day, Margaret."

"You too, Martin." She took Nora's hand, leading her out and back toward home. Remembering Alex' cold body against hers, she felt a twinge of guilt. He was alone, and she was headed home with the girls. It hurt, when it hadn't before. Getting home, she put Nora to bed, giving her the medication once she got it filled, and Elle headed out again. Margaret sat on the couch, watching some newscast, and eventually fell into a light and uneasy sleep.

The next day was spent dealing with paperwork that had been piled up for the last two days. She filed and filled out different forms so much that it didn't really take reading them anymore. She looked at the clock periodically to see just what time she was wasting. Eventually, two came around, and she finished the last form in a sea of about a hundred. Her eyes were tired, and her right hand was near collapsing point. Locking her office door, Margaret headed back out to the house to get the car.

Waking up, Alex grimaced, seeing the bright light coming in through the somewhat cleaned window. Apparently some nurse came and cleaned him up and released him from the straight jacket. The window was cleaned half-assed. Nobody had apparently bothered to bring him to therapy. Looking at the clock, he saw that it was around two. No doctors had come around, waking him up, and just let him sleep. That was odd, considering it was usually like a military base, or like home when it came to daily waking hours. It was the first time the window had been cleaned in a few months, and the light somewhat hurt his eyes. All he had been used to seeing was the dim lights of the hospital, not the sun in half its glory. Alex sat up a little straighter, and looked at the desk beside his bed. A doctor's pad was lying there, with a pen that looked like the cap had been chewed. Taking advantage of no straight jacket, Alex reached over tentatively, getting the pad and paper, and just held it, feeling like there was some hidden freedom in being able to hold something.

Feeling cold, Alex dropped the pad onto his lap, and wrapped his arms around himself. This allowed him to see the nearly black bruise on his right wrist from frequent restraints. Thinking about it, he didn't hear the door open. A nurse came in, looked him over, and gave him a questioning look when she saw he held a pen in his hand.

"What's that you've got there?" She indicated the pen in his hand. He finally realized he hadn't dropped it, and looked down at the pad with a look that plainly said isn't it obvious?

"Hmm… Maybe you can communicate that way." She walked out of the room, talking to a doctor outside. Alex heard the voice, and realized it wasn't his doctor. It sounded like the chief of medicine, Doctor Michael Kauffmann. He would come every month or so and see how Alex was doing. Apparently this was some kind of improvement.

"He talked yesterday. Now, he has a pen and paper. I think he's ready to communicate."

"It's possible. See if he communicates with his typical visitor. Then, we'll go from there." Kauffmann looked at Alex through the window in the door, and nodded toward the nurse. "Has he been particularly violent?"

"No. Why?"

"Just as a test, leave the straight jacket off. Let him move around, but keep a sedative handy."

"Alright…" The nurse said this hesitantly, but did as she was asked.

About fifteen minutes later, it was announced that he had a visitor again. As usual, the nurse made sure he looked decent, and walked out of the room. She was replaced by his typical visitor.

"Alex."

She's back…

He looked from the open door to her, then down at himself. The question in his head was simple. Why didn't they put the jacket on me? This must have registered, because Judge Holloway sat down and started speaking.

"They're keeping it off for now. The doctors want to see how you do on your own."

He thought she must be joking. Why would the doctors want to let him be free to move around? He had to admit though, that he couldn't do much moving around anyway. He hadn't had a good meal in he didn't know how long, so there was no energy to do much anyway. His eyes focused on her phone, which she was turning off.

"Elle has wondered just where I've been going, and I told her last night. She asked about you." Pausing, while the phone was going off, she looked at the clock. It was stopped due to the massive amounts of dust weighing the hands down. Once the backlight had gone off, she turned back to him. "We got into an argument last night, and she brushed me off. I just decided to tell her later, everything that happens here."

Slowly, he nodded, feeling just how stiff his entire body was. Seeing as he hadn't been able to move around, the straight jacket made his muscles stay tight. His eyes stayed locked on her, after having been fixed on the floor, ceiling, walls, and toilet in the corner.

"What are you thinking?"

This was a simple question, but Alex had to stop and think about how to answer. I can't just talk… I'd sound like some kind of idiot. I haven't spoken in… Hell, I don't know. How can I- He thought back to the pad and pen he had found. They were still lying in his lap. Looking up again, he saw the lighting wasn't the best, but it was good enough. Tentatively taking the pen, he looked at the paper, trying to sum up his thoughts into one or two phrases. He finally settled for one.

Josh.

Looking down at that one word spoke volumes for her. Joshua had been a hot topic around town lately. Adam and Lillian had managed to have the sacrificial plate changed. They had used Joshua as the sacrifice, and it took all Adam had to do it. Lillian had been one of the key persuaders of it, though.

"Joshua, huh?" She paused, seeing him nod. "Is that what's bothered you this whole time?" His answer didn't come too quick. He took time to really think about this. Joshua hadn't directly impacted his thoughts, but his death had caused the rather complex dream he had been having every night for the past months. Finally deciding on a way to convey this, he started writing. The script was shaky, but otherwise readable.

I had a dream thinking I could save him.

"What happened in this dream? What did you learn from it?"

I couldn't bring him back. He was dead, I did it, and I had to pay for what I did.

"How do you mean, pay for what you did?"

Again, he really had to think. This was getting annoying, and it was written all over his face. He wanted to just talk, but he couldn't will himself to do it. Deciding to try and focus his fear and punisher into one being, one came to mind. He started doing a slight drawing. His hand shook, but she was starting to make out the tall and fearsome creature. It was one that had been created by the order to scare the shit out of people. He finally got the pyramid helmet done, dropping the script pad.

"You were punished by the executioner?" Her voice was deadly calm, though her heart thundered in her chest. Adam had passed the story of the executioner down at some point in Alex and Josh's childhoods, and it had manifested itself from his guilt. "You saw this thing?"

He nodded shakily, still seeing the dirty blade of the great knife going through Adam, ripping him in half. Having met the thing in the hotel, Alex had feared it ever since. He started writing below the sketch.

Killed Dad in the Order's church, Order killed Mom in prison.

The last line shook her. She had to make sure she had read it right, before looking up at him, color draining from her face.

Curtis almost killed Elle, and I killed you.

"What?" It took reading the line again to really get what he had written. She stared at him blankly. "Curtis almost killed Elle… and-"

"I killed you…"

A/N 2: Darker Than My Memory is the last step in the trilogy. It will also be written in 3rd person, rather than 1st, like She's Not Here. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this, seeing as I have expanded on the hospital ending a lot. Let me know how I'm doing. Thanks for reading!