Title: Dirty Jokes
Character(s): The Cullens
Summary: Emmett starts cracking dirty jokes.
:D Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight!
"Bella, would you butter my muffin?"
Bella choked on her milk and Edward growled.
"What the hell, Emmett?!" Edward exclaimed.
Rosalie hit him on the back of the head and Jasper and Alice laughed.
"What?!" Emmett cried. "I'm merely asking Bella to butter my muffin!"
"That's gross, Emmett," Jasper chuckled.
"Why don't you go butter your own muffin and leave my girlfriend alone?!" Edward growled.
"Silly Edward! You know that's not possible!"
"…"
"Why are heeeeeeere?" Emmett whined to Rosalie. They were currently at a store in the mall.
"You didn't have to come with me. In fact, I have no idea why you came with me…" Rose replied.
"Hmmm…" Emmett's brow furrowed. "OH YEAH! I need boxers! I'll be right back, Rose!"
Rosalie groaned. "Oh dear God…"
A couple minutes later, Emmett came back with an assortment of boxers in his arms.
"Okay," He said. "There are ones with doughnuts and bananas—which I think is kind of kinky--, the ones with cocks on them (which were actually chickens), and then there's one with a big pecker on it (which was actually an eagle). Which one do you like better?"
Rosalie smacked him across the face. "You pervert!"
"Hehehe…"
Carlisle was in his study, um….studying, when suddenly—
"DAD! HELP ME!" He heard Emmett yell.
Carlisle stopped and froze.
"DAD!" He heard again. He sprinted towards the bathroom where Emmett was by the toilet, reaching his hand inside.
"What's wrong?!" Carlisle asked frantically.
"I dropped my balls in the toilet!"
And that's when Carlisle knew that Emmett was just kidding.
"What do you want me to do about it?" Carlisle deadpanned.
"Help me get my balls back!"
"Yeah…no…I think you can manage your own balls."
"NOOO!! DAD!!"
"Hey Allllllliiiiiicce!" Emmett called.
"No Emmett," She called back.
"YES."
"NO."
Emmett raced to her room. "I just have to ask a question."
She sighed. "Fine. What?"
"Do you like the color white?"
"…I guess."
"Do you like white stuff?"
"Sure."
"YOU ARE A SICK WOMAN!"
"What—AH! Gross Emmett! Get OUT!" She shoved him out of her room and into the wall, where he cracked the wall a bit.
"JASPER! I want to tell you a joke!"
"No. You're on a dirty joke phase, and God knows it'll be even worse than usual."
"I promise it's not that dirty."
"No, Emmett."
"Well TOO BAD! I'm going to tell it!"
Jasper sighed.
"Okay, okay…Jasper, do you like fish sticks?"
"No."
"Say yes!"
"Yes."
"Do you like putting fish sticks in your mouth?—say yes."
"Yes."
"Are you a gay fish, Jasper?"
"…That's disgusting, Emmett."
"AH! Did you get it?!"
"Unfortunately."
"You've officially been hit with the Emmett Joke Disease! You won't be able to get it out of your head, now! AHAHAHA!"
Emmett walked down the mall with Edward.
"See that lady over there?" Emmett asked, pointing towards some chick.
"Yeah?"
"I'd hit that…with my CAR! AH!"
"That's not funny, Emmett."
--Random audience member—"That's not even a dirty joke!"
"Yes it is!" Emmett screamed back. "Now sit down and be quiet!"
THE NEXT DAY!!!
Edward, Rosalie, Bella, Alice, and Jasper met in the small closet found in their house. It could barely fit them in it, and the reason they met up there was because Emmett hated this closet.
"Okay, we have to do something about Emmett's dirty joke phase." Edward said.
"Yes, we do. We shall form the alliance Stop Emmett Cullen, a.k.a. SEC." Alice said. "I think we need to hit him where it hurts. We need to think up the dirtiest joke ever that he won't be able to have sex for a month! Sorry Rose."
Rose just blinked.
"So SEC's (Say "SEC's" out loud) plan is to mentally disturb Emmett?" Jasper asked.
"Yup." Alice replied.
Suddenly, Bella, who had been quiet, was smited with the greatest idea known to prank history. "I have an idea…"
"LA LA LA!" Emmet sang as he skipped towards his house. When he got there, he saw Edward…
…watering the garden?
And the way he was holding the hose…
Oh dear God.
"EDWARD!" Emmett gasped, scandalized. "What the hell are you doing?!"
"Watering the garden," Edward called back, acting confused.
Emmett just shivered and hurried inside.
Jasper and Alice were laying side by side on the floor, only their legs sticking out so Emmett could see them. They were trying not to laugh.
Alice giggled. "Stop it Jasper! That tickles!"
"But I thought you liked it?"
"Well yeah, but not here in the living room where people can hear us…"
Emmett yelled in fright and hurried up the stairs, afraid he would see something that would scar his mind forever.
He went to go to his room, but stopped when he heard moaning coming from inside.
"Oh!" He heard Bella moan. "It's SOOO soft!"
"Thank you," He heard Rose reply. "I work hard to keep it that way,"
Emmett started hyperventilating. There's no way…
He yelled his battle cry and burst through the door, expecting to see something gross…
…but all he saw were confused looks from Bella and Rosalie. They were sitting on the ground, and Bella was holding a cashmere sweater.
"Emmett?" Rose asked. "Are you okay?"
"But…I…you…"
"I think the dirtiness is getting to your mind, Emmett…" Bella chided, making a tsking sound in the back of her throat.
"But Alice and Jasper—"
"Are helping Esme put new feathers in the pillows so they are fluffier."
Emmett felt stupid now.
Bella and Rose couldn't take it any longer. They burst out laughing.
Emmett frowned. "I'm confused."
"Oh MAN!"
"You should have seen the look on your face!"
"AH!"
"God Emmett! You have a dirty mind!"
Edward, Alice, and Jasper walked in then, each one holding a smirk.
"Wait, you guys PLANNED that?!" Emmett asked incredulously.
"Yup. You were really annoying, so we decided to play a prank on you."
"For a second there I thought—never mind." Emmett said.
"What?"
"Nothing. It's not important. ANYWAYS! Who's up for some white stuff?!"
"EMMETT!"
"I was talking about VANILLA ICE CREAM! Jeez, guys!"
And so ends the dirty jokes. This still wasn't very funny. Hopefully the next one will be though. The Cullens (and Bella) go on a talk show… :D
Oh, and if you don't get the fish sticks joke, say it outloud. If you've seen South Park, you'll get it right away.
Thanks for reading! Review please!
--Panda