Martinis Anyone?

Hey gang RW here. Now before you start flaming me for the drinking I just want to point out that it was a big part in the movie. Not my fault that it's in the script. Don't worry thought, all the martinis in props are non alcoholic.

"Show me the way to go home…" Kelly staggered by smelling of liquor and hiccupping. "I just wanna go to bed…EVERYBODY SING!"

Well most of them are. On with the story!

A long time passed since that day at Jean's apartment. Soon it was nearly Christmas. And everyone was celebrating. Especially at a bar in a fancy hotel. Well not everyone was celebrating.

"Cheer up Petit," Remy was trying to cheer up his fiancé Rogue at a bar in that fancy hotel. "Remy sure he just fine."

"I'm sorry I can't help it," Rogue sighed. "It's Christmas Eve and Fred's still missing!"

"Remy sure he'll be here for the wedding. He probably just forgot that's all," Remy told her.

"No, not to me," Rogue shook her head. "He'd never break a promise to me! What could have happened…? Hang on! Over at the bar! I know that woman!"

At the bar wearing an expensive and elegant pantsuit was the famous former private detective Althea Delgado-Tolensky surrounded by bartenders. She was demonstrating to them the proper way to make a martini.

"Now remember boys, the important thing is the rhythm, always the rhythm," She explained. "Now each drink has a special rhythm all it's own. Now a Manhattan you shake to a Fox Trot. A daiquiri to a samba. But for a dry martini you always shake to a waltz time. There."

She poured the drink into a glass and set it on a tray a waiter named Ray was holding. She bowed politely and then took the glass and drank it down. "Aahh! There for my next trick…"

Rogue went up to her. "Hello."

"Uh hello," Althea said politely even though she didn't have a clue who this person was.

"We do know each other," Rogue explained.

"Do we?" Althea blinked as she drank another martini.

"Maybe if you didn't keep slamming down the martinis…" Remy grumbled.

"I'm Rogue. You remember. You did a case for my stepfather, Fred Dukes," She explained.

"Oh yeah, Althea nodded. "Now I remember you. How did you remember me?"

"The real question is how can anyone forget you?" Remy grumbled.

Rogue quickly elbowed him in the ribs before she continued. "I was fascinated with you. A real live detective. You used to tell me the most wonderful stories. Were they true?"

"Probably not," Althea admitted.

"Remy this is Althea Delgado," Rogue introduced. "She worked on a case with my father."

"Looks like she's working on a case of booze," Remy grunted. Rogue elbowed him in the ribs again.

"Some nut wanted to kill Fred," Althea explained. "How is he anyway?"

"That's what I was going to ask you about," Rogue said. "He's disappeared."

"Disappeared?" Althea narrowed her eyes.

"Now don't say that," Remy groaned. "Maybe he's in a bakery or something."

"I can't find him!" Rogue said. "I've tried everything. I thought maybe you might know…"

"I don't know anything," Althea told her. "I've been in California for the past couple of years. We're staying at the Normandie Apartments for a couple of weeks. What about his lawyer? Kelly was it?"

"He doesn't know anything, big shock," Rogue grumbled.

"Try him again," Althea suggested. "Maybe Fred contacted him by now?"

"It's worth a try. There's a phone over there," Rogue walked away.

Remy sighed when they were alone. "Remy didn't want to say anything but now she's got me worrying too."

"Don't start worrying about him," Althea reached for another cocktail. "For starters he's got that invulnerable skin, remember? He's a good guy but kind of screwy."

"Why did that one guy want to kill him?" Remy asked. "Did it have to do with his inventions?"

"No, it was an all you can eat place," Althea explained. "Ate him outta business in one sitting. You're too worried. Have a drink."

"Uh no thanks," Remy eyed Althea as she downed another martini.

"Then I'll have it," Althea grinned as she ordered another one. Suddenly a commotion was at the door. "What the…?"

At the entrance of the bar was Althea's husband Todd Tolensky, being dragged by what looks to be a silver dog. Actually it was a coyote. Todd tried to hold on to several packages at the same time and was very frazzled even though he was well dressed in a suit. "Down boy! Heel! Heel! Stop already!"

"Hey!" Doorman Paul snapped at him. "You can't bring that dog in here!"

"I'm not bringing him! He's bringing me!" Todd shouted. "Coyote! Heel! Sit! Stay! Come on already!"

Of course Coyote paid no attention to him and dragged him right to Althea. Todd let go of the packages and the leash and fell flat on his face.

"Sir you can't bring a dog…A coyote in here!" Doorman Paul did a double take. "COYOTE? THAT'S A REAL COYOTE! ARE YOU NUTS? THINK OF THE LAWSUITS WE'RE GONNA GET!"

Todd got up and looked at Althea. "So it's you he was after. It figures."

"Hi babe," Althea grinned. "Getting your daily exercise?"

"He's been dragging me to every gin mill on the block!" Todd snapped.

"I did take him for a walk this morning," Althea shrugged.

"I thought so," Todd gave her a look. "He even dragged me into the ladies' room! That was a fun experience!"

"Remy this is my dog and my husband," Althea introduced.

"You could have introduced me first," Todd gave her a look.

"Sir please! You have to take that…that animal outside!" Doorman Paul protested.

"But I just got here!" Todd told him.

"I meant the coyote!" Paul snapped.

"Don't worry he'll behave himself," Althea waved.

"Which one?" Remy quipped. "The coyote or your husband?"

"Fun-eeee," Todd gave him a look. "Don't worry. Coyote will be fine. As long as there isn't a fire hydrant. What I went though today…"

"But what if he bites someone?" Paul asked.

"Unless they're a lawyer I wouldn't worry," Althea told him. "He's well trained. I meant the coyote of course. Watch this. Sit! Coyote! Sit!"

The Coyote did nothing. "Stay! Stay!" Althea ordered. All the Coyote did was wag his tail. "Lie down. Okay then stand up then."

Then the Coyote sat down. "See? Perfectly trained," Althea shrugged.

"I need an aspirin," Doorman Paul moaned as he walked away. "And a new life…"

Rogue walked back excitedly. "He's just around the corner!"

"Who? Fred?" Althea asked.

"No, Kelly! Come on Remy let's go!" Rogue grabbed Remy by the arm and dragged him out the door.

"Nice to meet you aaaaaaaaaaallllllllll!" Remy screamed. "Chere! You're breaking my arm!"

"Interesting guy," Todd said as the two sat at the table.

"If you like 'em like that," Althea shrugged. "Not really my type."

"And what is your type?" Todd asked.

"Only you darling," Althea drawled. "Lanky amphibians with wicked tongues."

"So who is he?" Todd asked.

Althea then acted dramatic. "I was hoping I would never have to tell you this. Remy is my former lover. You see it was Spring in Venice and I was oh so young. I didn't know what I was doing. We're all like that on my father's side."

"By the way how is your father's side?" Todd asked.

"Much better thanks," Althea grinned.

"Just how many martinis have you had?" Todd asked.

"Six," Althea told him.

"Okay," He caught the attention of a waiter and ordered. "I want six martinis all lined up. You're not going to have anything over me."

"CUT!! CUT!" Lance ran in before Althea could get in her line.

"Hey! This is our scene! What's the matter yo?" Todd asked.

"What are you doing in this fic?" Lance pointed at the Coyote. "And how are you even in this fic! You're a figment of my deranged imagination!"

"Wolf girl didn't want the part so I took it," Coyote shrugged. "And remember a little something called a McGuffin Device?"

"Remember a little something called a baseball bat?" Lance snapped.

"Lance it's just a parody, deal with it," Althea rolled her eyes.

"Hold on a second," Todd was reading a script of the original Thin Man movie. "Something's screwy about this dialog here! Wait a minute! Al how did you get the guy's lines and I got the girl's lines! That don't make sense!"

"I'll tell you another thing that doesn't make sense!" Sabertooth stormed out. "Me playing Mystique's husband! Forget it! YOU HEAR ME RED!

Hold on a second folks while I deal with some casting problems. WILL YOU MANIACS KNOCK IT OFF!

Lance was shouting. "You put that stupid coyote in this movie? Are you nuts?"

"That's a rhetorical question," Althea quipped.

"Hey she's giving the public what they want!" Coyote snapped. "Is it my fault that people find me adorable?"

"I can't believe I got the girl's part!" Todd groaned.

"You are so picky!" Althea looked at him.

"I am not being picky!" Todd glared at his girlfriend. "I'm a guy! I should get the guy's part! Not the girl's part!"

Sabertooth was shouting offstage to Mystique. "I hate you!"

"I hate you more!" Mystique stormed onstage.

"I hate this stupid movie!" Lance shouted.

"So do I!" Sabertooth agreed.

"I want my agent!" Todd yelled.

"Oh get a grip Toddles," Althea rolled her eyes.

"That's easy for you to say!" Todd snapped at her.

"Is everybody happy?" Kelly staggered in hiccupping. Everyone glared at him. "Well exuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeee me!"

"He's still drunk?" Lance asked.

"Wuss," Sabertooth groaned.

ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT ALREADY! IF YOU ALL SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE I'LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING!

"You'd better Red," Lance huffed.

Okay first Lance, Rahne didn't want the dog part so I gave it to the Coyote. He was the next obvious choice. That's final! Got it!

"YES!" The Coyote danced around. "IN YOUR FACE! I AM THE BEST! WHO'S THE BEST? I AM THE BEST! UH HUH, UH HUH, UH HUH…"

"God not only does he sound like Pietro he's twice as hyper and has a bigger ego," Mystique winced.

Pietro zoomed in. "He does not!"

"I'm even cuter than Pietro," The Coyote preened.

"You are not!" Pietro snapped.

"I am too!" The Coyote snapped back.

"Are not!

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"ARE TOO!"

"ARE NOT TIMES INFINITY!"

"SHUT UP THE BOTH OF YOU!" Mystique yelled. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! ONE OF YOU IS BAD ENOUGH!"

"Welcome to my world, lady," Lance told her.

"Okay now why do I have the Nora part in the movie and she gets the Nick part?" Todd asked.

Okay the original movie was in the Thirties right? Well I wanted a feminist slant on this story!

"Sexist!" Todd folded his arms.

"What are you complaining about?" Althea gave him a look. "It's not like you don't have enough screen time or great lines! You're still the male lead! It's just that the roles have been flip flopped."

Not to mention…Well…

"Well what?" Todd asked.

"She won't say it so I will," Althea sighed. "Todd, Sweetheart, I've seen the movie. The detective lead has to be really gung ho and cunning and well…It's not that I don't think you're not brave or anything. But let's face it, you are a lot more like Nora than I am!

"He's more like Nora than any of us," Lance said. "Including Pietro."

"And Nora has to have some backbone which the little twerp definitely doesn't have," Sabertooth indicated Pietro.

"I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE YOU KNOW?" Pietro snapped.

"Do I get a lot of smooching time?" Todd asked.

Yes, and even a scene where you share the same bed.

"Oh in that case never mind!" Todd said cheerfully.

I thought that would make you happy.

"IS EVERYBODY HAPPY?" Kelly hiccupped. "Happy, happy…Joy, joy…"

"I don't know what he's on but I want some," Sabertooth blinked. "Wait what about my problem! I don't want to be Mystique's husband that's for damn sure! One romance with her was more than enough to scar me for life!"

"The feeling is mutual!" Mystique snapped. "And while we are on the subject why did you pick Pietro to be my son instead of my own son Kurt?"

"Have you seen the movie?" Althea gave her a look. "The part Pietro plays is an insane effeminate little twerp."

"You're right," Mystique realized. "He does fit the bill better than Kurt does."

"What is this? Pick on Pietro Day?" Pietro snapped. "What did I ever do to you?"

"You want the short list or the long," Todd gave him a look.

Okay Sabertooth you can play a different part.

"Thank you!" Sabertooth breathed a sigh of relief.

"But who is going to play my husband?" Mystique asked. "Logan?"

No I got him playing a detective. Now to fit the part we need a young roguish guy. Someone who can be charming when he needs to but also sneaky and dangerous.

That's when everyone looked at Lance. "Oh no! I'm not going to do it!" Lance snapped. "FORGET IT!"

The part does call for a much younger man.

"No way!" Lance snapped.

It's not that big a part. You don't even have to kiss Mystique.

"Still not enough," Lance folded his arms.

You even get to treat Mystique like dirt.

"As tempting as that is, NO!" Lance snapped.

I'll pay you.

"Not enough money on the planet," Lance said.

I'll feature you in more stories.

"Still not interested," Lance said.

I can put you back together with Kitty…

"OH GOD NO!" Lance snapped.

All right I'll put you with a few other girls then. Including Willow.

"You've got a deal," Lance said. "Where are my lines?"

Finally! Everyone's happy! Can we get back to the fic now? Okay! Places people! Next scene! Guys get in your places!

"Sing…Sing a song…" Kelly hiccupped. "Sing something something…"

Somebody get Kelly sober for the next scene quick so we can get back on track?

"I got a hangover pill that might work," Lance took Kelly by the arm. "Shipwreck keeps 'em by the caseload. Come on Kelly."

"All aboard! Chooo Chooo…" Kelly hiccupped as everyone got ready for the next scene.

Oh brother. Well let's get back to the story. I hope…