Disclaimer: I do not own Skins, please don't rub it in. :-( Especially now that series 4 has started.

Author Note: I've been having a few personal issues of later and this chapter has really not been an easy one to put together. But I hope it'll be worth it. Only 3 more weeks of my job and then I'll be back to unemployment, aka, writing more than once a week.

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Carry Me Away

Chapter Five: Stand Where I Stood

Never had a room felt so suffocating before. She couldn't make sense why, or understand why she was constantly feeling like she couldn't breath. Yet it was happening a lot, too often. Katie pulled her pillow up to her chest, hugged it, squeezing so tight that if it was a person she suspected they would suffocate. The overwhelming feeling of dread, of her world crashing down upon her and she had no idea why. So her life wasn't perfect, but she'd asked to find her dad, no matter what came from it. She concluded that without Emily things would be fine. But when she thought about Emily not being there, she was quickly reminded of the occasions where Emily very nearly wasn't. It confused her that she cared, that it hurt to think about Emily not being there when her own sister didn't seem to care back. That hurt twice as much. She'd never wanted a sister, never had the desire to be anything but an only child. Yet for some reason she couldn't imagine her life without Emily anymore.

'Katie darling, what's wrong?' Jenna questioned, opening the door after an unanswered knock. 'You've been wallowing in this room for a week now. You should go out, go to JJ's, ring Naomi. Do something.'

'I don't want to.'

She didn't. She couldn't explain it, but she didn't want to move. She only got up for college and that was mostly because she was afraid of the consequences of not attending.

'Katie.'

The corner of the bed dipped down, Jenna perching herself on it until Katie was forced to sit up to see her. She leant against the head board, never letting go of the comfort of the pillow.

'How do you know you love someone?' she whispered.

'You just do,' Jenna responded after a moments thought. 'You feel it.'

Katie shook her head, stared at her mother with a need for answers. 'But how do you know you're in love with them and don't just love them like a friend?'

'Is this about JJ?' Jenna questioned, resting a hand on Katie's ankle.

Katie shrugged. The question was just there, she didn't really know why. She loved JJ, she knew she loved him. But she'd never loved anyone like that before.

Jenna moved up the bed until she was sat beside her daughter. She reached out, stroked Katie's hair across her head. 'Sometimes you think you really love someone, but when things in our life change, sometimes we change.'

'Did that happen with you and dad?' Katie asked, the question surprising even herself.

The question was heated, packed full of so much history, so much emotion that Jenna's voice caught in her throat. She didn't quite know what to say.

'I loved your dad, but sometimes things happen that damage people and it's not always easy to get that love back.'

'But you did love him?'

'Of course I love, loved him.'

The confusing fog that had inhabited Katie's brain didn't clear, it barely even shifted. She squeezed a little tighter on the pillow, a faint memory of being a very small child doing the same. She let out a long, deep sigh that captured Jenna's attention.

'Do you remember your Low-low?'

Katie frowned, 'My what?'

'The pillow you used to sleep with.'

'No?'

'After we went away,' Jenna informed her. 'You couldn't sleep on your own, I spent a week in with you until we went to the doctors. She knew you had a twin, she knew that Emily wasn't around anymore. So she suggested a pillow. It worked.'

'I missed her?' Katie asked, feeling tears sting the back of her eyes.

She didn't remember. She put it down to being too young. But as she thought about it for longer, long after Jenna kissed the top of her head and told her that things would work out one way or another, she realised that what she felt for Emily was a feeling she once couldn't handle except with the help of a pillow.

*

The cup of tea in his hands went cold long ago. He didn't notice it happen, only realised a while later when he sipped on what he assumed was a hot drink. Something had changed. He couldn't tell what it was. Things were fine just a few weeks earlier. He loved Gina; she was special, beautiful and the most infuriating woman he had ever met. It was what made her so great. She pulled him up for being macho, yet loved to run her hands across his ripped body when they had sex. She was everything he thought he hated in women, but everything he knew he didn't want to live without.

'This is the part where her aunt kills the dog,' Gina noted from her seat beside him on the sofa, her attention focused on the television. He glanced over, sent a small smile her way that he knew wasn't as big as it should be.

'Are you okay?' he asked, wanting to check her happiness, always wanting to be sure that everything was okay.

They'd barely seen each other lately. If it wasn't Naomi's problems, it was the bloody gym or his daughters demanding his attention. He loved them all, he didn't think he could picture his world without any of them in it. Not since Katie had returned. He made an effort to see her, to hear her voice, just to make sure she hadn't vanished again.

'Naomi loves this part,' Gina grinned.

She curled her legs up under her, rested a hand on Rob's chest whilst she laughed at the humorous scene that always made her laugh. She always laughed at that scene, it wasn't even funny. Naomi made it funny, her running commentary of it emblazoned in Gina's mind even when her daughter wasn't present.

'Everything's fine,' she noted, almost as an after thought.

In all honesty, it wasn't. Something strange lingered in the air. A feeling of being out of control. It scared her. It always scared her to be powerless. The thought of anything having that much power over her life left her shaken. That was why she couldn't believe in a god.

'Are you okay?' she asked back, more out of habit than curiosity.

'Actually I'm not,' Rob muttered, flicking the off button on the remote control, forcing Gina to turn to face him.

He hated to worry her and the hesitant look in her eyes was painful to watch. He waited, watched her lips as they pursed in anticipation for speech.

'What's wrong?'

Rob sighed, reached a hand out to slide a strand of hair back from Gina's eyes. 'This, us.'

'We're fine, aren't we?' Gina's voice didn't settle his concerns.

'Except that it's been a bit weird, you know, since the almost-wedding.'

She couldn't deny it. 'Yes.'

'I love you Gina, I don't want it to be like this.'

A tiny smile snaked its way across her lips until she reached out and cupped his face in her hands. She stared into his hazel eyes, drowned herself in his loving attention. They kissed.

'I don't want it either, I do want you.'

Two large hands reached around her shoulders, her knees, lifted her up from the sofa. Gina squealed as Rob carried her through the house, laughing at her girlie screams. He dropped her, almost landed on top of her on her bed until his hands were back on her hips, his lips tracing kisses along her collar bone and his trousers already being worked open by her wandering hands.

*

Curling fingers around the gentle, soft waves of brown hair, staring up into deep blue eyes that were easy to drown in. Lips, slightly plump, crashing down upon Katie's with passion and need. A desire so loving that even Katie couldn't hate it. She pulled back, a smile pressed firmly onto her lips mirrored by JJ's.

I love him, she told herself. I really love him.

She needed to prove it, to show him how much. She was a private person, but even she felt the cause deserved something special, something unexpected.

'Come with me,' she whispered into his ear, tugging on his hand until he obeyed, following her out the side entrance of the college until they'd reached a secluded spot that housed a shed and not much else.

'What are we doing here?' he asked, silenced by a kiss, by Katie's hands sliding very quickly into the waistline of his jeans. Before he could react, his back smashed against the wooden door, moved to the side whilst Katie pressed down on the metal latch and gave them entrance.

'Katie,' he yelped, surprised by the enthusiasm, by the extremities of her behaviour.

'Shh,' she called out, the sound disappearing into a kiss that didn't seem to stop.

If she stopped, she knew she would think and thinking would lead to the wrong sort of conclusions; regrets. She didn't want that, she just wanted JJ. She wanted to show him that her love for him was still there, was still strong.

'Katie, wait,' JJ tried again, pressing a hand to her lower back, his other hovering around her shoulder. 'This is all a bit,'

'Shut up and fuck me Jonah,' she interrupted, pressing her lips back against his with a force that sent them both stumbling backwards against the hard, wooden floor. They laughed. It was funny. Then JJ was straddling her and his lips were colliding with her glossy ones. She smiled into the kisses; soft, gentle, numerous tiny kisses travelling along her mouth, her neck until he pushed aside material and his lips found her breasts. She curled her fingers back up around his hair, tugging a little tighter, allowing him to take control of the rhythm. He was slow at first, taking his time to think about her needs, fully aware of how long it usually took for her pleasure to be met as well as his own. Until he sped up, building up to the moment when he pushed that little bit harder and she bit down on her lip as she squealed in his ear.

*

Things were clearer now. Naomi could feel the huge weight that had been sitting on her heart had lifted. She wasn't happy, she was just at peace with everything. She'd made mistakes, acted badly and was ready to take responsibility for her life. Emily may have broken her heart, but she had let her. Nobody had forced her to be horrible to her mother, Emily certainly wasn't to blame for her lying to Katie, keeping the truth from her. It was out in the open now. She waited outside Katie's history room, wanted to start fixing the things that had gone so horribly wrong in her life. Starting with the one person she had been able to count on in the earlier weeks of college.

'Katie,' she called out, as dark hair flew past Naomi, almost running down the corridor.

She followed, didn't let up the pursuit until she was stood in the toilets waiting for Katie to finish in a cubicle. After ten minutes she still hadn't come out. The sound of small sobs barely missed when Naomi pulled on the door. She let it go, stood in silence as the cubicle door unlocked. The twin seeming to believe she was actually alone.

'Great,' Katie sighed, rolling her eyes when she caught sight of Naomi still hovering by the door.

'Katie, please. I miss you.'

'Leave me alone.'

'You're upset, I'm not going to fucking leave you alone. What's wrong?'

'It's none of your business.'

The last thing Katie wanted or needed was more stress. After sleeping with JJ they both went their separate ways to their lessons. The distraction of history was barely a distraction at all when they were discussing a topic she'd been debating with JJ barely a week before. Her heart ached, not for him, but for the strength of her regret. She'd used him to try and make herself feel better, to decide whether her love was legitimate and as it turned out, it had only made her more clueless.

'I'm your friend Katie, I care about you,' Naomi tried.

Katie scowled, splashing water against her face. 'Not as much as you care about my bitch of a sister.'

'That's not fair Katie, you haven't let me explain.'

'You had sex with her,' she snapped, turning off the tap and turning to face Naomi. 'What else is there to it?'

'I love her, okay?' Naomi stated, her feelings completely clear. 'I love Emily. But that doesn't stop me from loving you too. You're the only person who has ever accepted me for me.'

'No. Naomi,' Katie sighed, throwing a paper towel in the bin. 'You can't have us both. It doesn't work like that.'

'Why not? Why can't I be friends with both of you?'

Katie rolled her eyes, wasn't feeling very sociable. 'You don't want to be friends with Emily, you want to be more than that.'

'What's wrong with that too?' Naomi asked, her eyes turned down.

'It's weird. Girls and girls, it's just weird.'

The signs were there, Naomi had just never noticed them before, had never needed to notice them before. Katie wasn't happy with Emily's sexuality from day one, that much was clear. Even with her recent attempts to be civil towards her sister, it was obviously still a struggle. It made the battle to gain Katie's friendship back all the more difficult.

'What are you? Eighty two? It's not weird Katie. You can't help who you fall for.'

'No,' Katie frowned, the problems with JJ still etched on her brain.

'I don't have any friends,' Naomi called out, trying her best to keep her delicate feelings at bay. 'Any real friends. I miss having you.'

'I don't miss you,' Katie scoffed. 'You're just some stupid, fucking gay. How do I know you don't just want to sleep with me like you do Emily?'

It felt like a knife stabbing her through the heart. Naomi pressed her lips together, frustrated and angry. She didn't want to lose Katie, even with her homophobic abuse. She tried to tell herself that Katie was still upset, that it was just her own frustrations shining through.

'Christ, Katie,' Naomi managed to say. 'Do you know anything about relationships?'

Katie's brown eyes stared at Naomi with a level of contempt, yet a strange amount of approval. Naomi stared back, locked eyes with her once friend and tried to stare her down. Katie's eyes glazed over, her bag pulled higher up onto her shoulder before she turned around.

'No, I don't.'

*

The river of tears grew into an ocean. Red blotchy marks covered her face and an inner battle of resentment and fear seemed to build up out of nowhere. She shouldn't have done it, it wasn't fair to Jonah to sleep with him, to show him her feelings when she wasn't even sure what they were. He was a nice boy, a really great person who deserved better. Katie always thought she was okay, a morally just person who cared about other people's feelings. Standing by the bus stop, contemplating everything in her life, Katie began to doubt herself. She couldn't accept her best friend or her sister for not being straight. She couldn't accept her boyfriend's medical condition that she'd always known existed. She wondered where her morals and beliefs had gone, where her ability to care about people for who they were and not details like sexuality and ability.

A line of doubt, of guilt and even righteousness moved up into her body and forced her to take another look. She wasn't a bigot, or a homophobe, she wasn't. She just didn't understand, couldn't work out why anyone would think it was okay to be that different. A lesson in school about differences once led to a discussion on whether or not it was inbred or if it was learned behaviour. The psychological side of herself wanted to believe it was inbuilt; out of her control, yet she had the same genetics as her twin sister. The girl who, underneath her own issues, actually accepted people's genetic differences like race or, supposedly, sexuality.

'Katie, what are you doing here?' Rob gasped when Katie entered the gym. Her aim of working out the only thing on her mind as she fought desperately to continue swimming above her issues. She smiled at him, let him see that she was happy to be there, when really she just wanted him to leave her to her own devices.

'Wanted to get some exercise.'

'Aren't you meant to be at college?'

'I had a free, last lesson of the day so I came straight here.'

'Champion, you're just like your old man,' Rob grinned, patting her arm. 'I used to sneak out of class just to go to the school gym. In the end I left with Sports and that's about it. Dunno how I ended up a business man.'

Katie smiled at him despite feeling like scowling. Rob was fantastic, she was glad to be in his life finally. She just wasn't in the best of moods and everything seemed to annoy her, even his enthusiasm.

'I'm a little busy this afternoon, took the morning off to spend some time with Gina. Will you be alright?'

'Yeah, I'll be fine,' she responded, relieved to get on with it alone.

'Emily's supposed to be coming in later, we're gonna get some dinner if you want to join us.'

'Sure,' she muttered, barely giving herself time to think, not wanting to disappoint.

'I'll tell you what, I'll get my best man Graham to come give you a bit of assistance. Personal trainer he is and the best young lad in that job I've seen since, well, since me. He's always getting people asking after him, everyone recommends him. Gets a lot of attention from the ladies too does our Graham.'

Katie smiled again, nodded her head briefly. Figured it might be easier spending some time with a stranger than people she knew and loved. A quick phone call and five minutes later a tall, dark haired, green eyed young man with the warmest expression Katie had ever seen, arrived. She recognised him instantly, closed her eyes at the sound of his Scottish accent.

'How's the ankle?' he asked, winking at her. 'No twisting it this time, alright? Maybe I should take your bag, just in case.'

Rob muttered a farewell. 'I'll leave you in Graham's capable hands.'

Katie followed Graham down the corridor towards the Gold Member's lounge. They sat down and discussed a workout plan, decided to go for a swim instead. They got changed, Katie jumped into the pool after Graham, swam around for a bit, chatting with him.

'Are we allowed to be in here without a lifeguard?' Katie questioned, treading water.

'I'm trained, you're the boss's daughter, we should be alright.'

They swam laps, back and forth until they'd had enough. Katie finished first, swam out into Graham's lane and treaded water until he almost collided with her. She allowed a cheeky grin to rest on her face, prompting a pretend fight as Graham splashed her with water. He reached out, slid a hand around her waist and pulled her to him.

'Oh,' she gasped, her forehead resting against his.

'You're beautiful, you know?' he sighed, his other hand moving up to her face, pushing damp strands of hair back across her head.

'I,' she tried to speak, but her brain wouldn't work. He was beautiful too, handsome, gorgeous. His deep green eyes delved deep into her, not pulling away from the locked stares with her brown ones.

There was nowhere for her hands to go, nowhere she could find to place them until she let them travel of their own accord to his waist. Her breath hitched when he moved closer, the smell of chlorine filling up her senses, colliding with her taste buds when Graham's mouth crashed against hers.

'I,' Katie tried again, couldn't find the words. Was too distracted by Graham guiding her through the water until they were in the shallow end and the wall of the pool stopped her from moving further. She let him kiss her, let his hands travel across her breasts until she couldn't stand it anymore. Her fingers traced the lines of his chest, of his stomach until the natural curiosity of her hands sent them into the waistline of his swimming shorts.

'Are you sure?' he asked, quickly silenced by a nodding kiss.

She let his hands pull the tankini top up over her head, reacted to the feel of his fingers on her naked body. Pushed away his shorts, following his removal of the rest of her swimming suit until there was no going back. He pushed her against the wall, wrapping his arms around her as their bodies moved in rhythm. A loud, masculine grunt in her ear pulled Katie from her relapse in judgement. Realisation slapped her so hard in the face that her unfulfilled sexual appetite wasn't even a thought. Only a trailing feeling of regret, of dread and the knowledge of her betrayal left to carry her from that moment of stupid desire into the future.

'Graham,' she whispered, her voice returning to its basic form, a version of itself that reminded her of being ten years old. She rested her feet on the ground, stopped herself from floating. He was no longer against her, no longer pushing her up against the wall.

'Your dad's gonna sack me if he knows we did this, he can't know alright?' Graham demanded, replacing his shorts and climbing out of the pool.

'I,' Katie whispered, unable to move from her spot beside the steps. 'I've never done that before.'

'Shagged someone?' he groaned. 'Christ, then we're never discussing this again.'

'No, done this, a one off…in a swimming pool.'

'It's no big deal babe, lets face it, I'm irresistible,' he grinned, reaching for his towel and drying himself off.

The big headed, self absorbed comments only fuelled the pain of what Katie had done. She hated him for letting it happen, hated that she wasn't powerless in the situation. She replaced her own suit, climbed out after him and reached for her own towel. She turned her back to him, couldn't even look in his direction.

'That's how I like to work out all the ladies,' he winked, sliding a hand into the front of his shorts. 'Never done it in the pool though.'

Sick. It was sick. Katie had been upset, had been looking for some way of making the suffering go away. What she hadn't been looking for was sex with a near stranger, or someone to take advantage. Yet he didn't take advantage, not really. She let it happen. She made the first move by stopping his swimming. Tears formed, forced her to give in to the quiet sobs that seemed adamant to escape.

'Oh fuck,' he groaned, staring at her back with nothing but frustration and anger. 'Don't be such a fucking pussy about it. Shit happens.'

'You fucking arsehole,' she cried out, taking the few steps closer to him in order to smack him hard across the chest, pummelling into him like a punch bag. He took it, a smirk spread across his face whilst he pushed her to a distance.

'Cool off, yeah? You're fit, but you ain't anything special.'

'You are the most special girl in this world,' JJ once told her after sex.

It dug into her heart, picking away at the feelings she thought she didn't have for JJ. She was wrong. Graham made her see she was wrong. The tears didn't stop, only got worse until she fled the pool for the changing rooms, changed as quickly as possible and headed for the entrance. She loved Jonah, she was sure now. More sure than she'd ever thought she would be again. The irony didn't escape her attention; the mistake helping her to see the love that was staring her straight in the face, yet that same mistake was probably going to rip out her heart and leave her gasping for breath. The distraction became a curse when she collided with someone, the last time that happened painfully remembered until she stared up into eyes identical to her own. Brown, a little lost and most certainly Emily's.

'Katie?'

*

Life was better. Emily told herself. She didn't need to be horrible to Katie, not anymore. She could try to be civil at least. After all, Katie had come after her when she was crying. Emily watched her sister push past her and run down the steps outside. She followed, after a brief hesitation.

'Katie, wait.'

'Fuck off,' Katie snapped back to her.

'What?' Emily gasped. 'You don't talk like that, I'm the shitty one. Just stop, please.'

Katie turned around, her eyes swollen and red, her cheeks stained with tears. 'Just leave me alone, you don't care about me, you've never cared. So fuck off.'

'Wait,' Emily tried again, reaching a hand out to Katie's shoulder.

She recoiled, sank onto the steps at Emily's touch. Emily sat down beside her, wasn't sure why she was even there when Katie had rejected her. It was different. It wasn't the same tense atmosphere it usually was, Emily didn't feel like being competitive or angry. She just worried.

'What's wrong Katie?'

'Nothing,' the words came out as chokes, faltered by tears. Emily rested a hand back onto Katie's shoulder, let it stay for as long as Katie would let it.

'It's okay,' she tried to comfort, squeezing her shoulder.

'I fucked up,' Katie admitted, pushing the continual flow of tears from her cheeks. 'It's all a mess, it's just a big mess.'

There was no point trying to pretend that Emily had any idea what Katie was talking about. She knew little of her life, something she realised wasn't fair when Katie knew so much of her own.

'What happened?'

'I can't,' Katie gasped. 'I can't, it's too horrible.'

Emily pondered Katie's response. Let the words repeat in her mind until she'd processed them. 'I tried to kill myself about twelve months ago. I had to see a counsellor and I learnt that nothing is too horrible because everything can be worked through. In the end. I struggle to remember that sometimes, like just before Christmas, but things are coming good again.'

Katie's blotchy face turned up to Emily's, her eyes sunken low with regret and sorrow. 'Y, you really tried to do that?'

Emily nodded. 'Whatever is going on, you're stronger than me Katie. You can be okay.'

Words were mostly obsolete. Katie let a tiny smile out, which gave Emily hope. The thing, whatever it was, wasn't perfect. They weren't best friends, they weren't even just friends. They were barely sisters. But whatever it was, had hope. Emily had never really allowed herself to care before.

'I need to go home,' Katie sighed, wiping her face again.

'Are you sure? Dad and I are going for dinner if you want to come.'

Katie shook her head. 'I need to go home.'

She looked broken as she walked away. Emily watched, felt her heart swell in ways it never had before for Katie. She'd put her on a pedestal that she'd despised. Watched her getting on with life, figured that everything was perfect for her sister. The one thing she'd never realised was that Katie wasn't perfect, no matter how much she appeared to be. A hand resting on her shoulder pulled Emily from her thoughts, she smiled up at her dad.

'Where's Katie going? I said she could join us.'

'She went home.'

Rob sighed, 'Emily!'

'It wasn't me dad,' she assured him. 'She wasn't feeling very well. She had a headache or something. I promise.'

'Okay, guess it's just you and me kid.'

Chapter Five Voting Options:

Naomily 1: Naomi and Emily's group assignment changes their relationship once again.

Naomily 2: Naomi's improved relationship with her mother makes her rethink her current relationship decisions.

Katie 1: Katie decides to keep what happened a secret.

Katie 2: Katie decided to tell JJ that she cheated on him.

TO HAVE YOUR SAY, REVIEW WITH YOUR CHOICES!