Spoiler: For the episode "Sunday."
The Friendship Files
Chapter 5
Nothing is Harder to Accept Than This
Nothing is harder to accept than the death of a loved one be it a family member or a friend who is closer than family. When a day of rest turns into a day of mourning it's even harder to accept. In these times, it is comforting to have someone to lean on...even if it's just for a moment.
*****
Ronon hesitated outside Carson's quarters. He knew that Rodney was inside packing his friend's personal belongings and wanted to make sure he was if not okay at least getting by. And if not getting by then maybe he could help somehow. He didn't know how he could help but knew he had to try.
He glanced at the crates that Rodney was filling with possessions that had no one to claim them: a bible, a tattered hat covered in fish hooks, a favorite novel, a cherished photo of a friend. "Hey."
"Hey."
"You okay?" He could see that the physicist wanted to say yes, he'd even begun to nod.
"Uh, not really."
"Need some help?"
"No. I'm almost done. He didn't have a lot of stuff here."
"You sending it all back to his family?" He knew the answer but felt he should keep Rodney talking.
"Yeah. I-I mean we will. They don't know yet. We're going to send, uh, the body to Earth and, uh, I'm gonna tell his mother." Rodney stopped talking for a moment as if the words he wanted to say were stuck in his throat threatening to choke him. The thing that worried Ronon the most was the lack of confidence and buoyancy in his friend's voice. It was like he'd been drained of all rational thought and nothing was left but the pain. "I should have just gone fishing with him."
"Don't."
"No, if I'd gone fishing, if I'd checked the machine, if I hadn't assigned two junior guys to catalogue the lab…"
He could hear the hysteria rising in Rodney's voice, see the unshed tears in his eyes. "Rodney, what's done is done."
"I know and, uh, that's what's killing me."
Ronon nodded even though Rodney had already gone back to the packing. He exited the room and headed for his quarters to change. He'd been asked to be a pallbearer and wanted, needed to honor Carson Beckett.
Before the door slid shut he heard a small sound. It could have been anything, a clearing of the throat, the opening of a drawer or even the squeak of a shoe. But instinct told him it was none of these things. He turned around and entered Carson's room again. The door hissed closed behind him but Rodney didn't seem to know he was there. His shoulders were hunched and shaking, one hand over his eyes. On the floor Ronon saw drops of moisture. After only the slightest hesitation he took Rodney in his arms. The physicist put his head on Ronon's chest and cried like a baby. And Ronon just held him, held him until the sobbing stopped and he pushed away. "I-I-I…uh…"
He watched Rodney go into the bathroom. The door closed and water started running. Not wanting to embarrass him further Ronon left the room, waited for the door to close then stood guard. Knowing that this was where McKay would be, more than a few people stopped to give their condolences but all were unceremoniously turned away.
A few minutes later the door opened again and Rodney was once again cool, calm and collected. Well, calm anyway.
"Ronon, I, uh…" He kept his eyes averted, his cheeks tinged with pink. "I'm sorry, you know, about before. It just…" He gestured helplessly.
Ronon crossed his arms and shifted his weight from one foot to the other, his annoyed posture. "I have no idea what you're talking about. I came to see if you needed help, we talked and I left. End of story."
Rodney's face brightened just a little. It seemed that no one would know about his little breakdown but the two of them. "Thanks for, uh, just…thanks."
The Satedan nodded acceptance of his friend's gratitude. "It's time." He took Rodney's jacket from his unresisting fingers, helped him into it then together they headed for the Gate Room to say good-bye to Dr. Carson Beckett.
The End