I came up with this idea at about 5am
So, with the latest parody (and heavily based off of that 70's show)
I introduce
Chapter 3
'Drugs'
DON'T OWN NARUTO
X
If someone was to tell Naruto Uzumaki that he would find the cure to healing the world in one plant, he would give you a blank look, laugh in your face, and then prank you when you went to bed.
But low and behold, here was a bag with what looked like plants. And inside had paper, and another paper with words on it:
Roll it up, smoke it, and change the world man…
Naruto, not one to not do something that didn't look harmless, did the exact thing as soon as he got to the house.
Putting a little bit of the 'plant' into the wrapping, Naruto rolled up the paper before lighting the tip of the other end and took one inhale of the 'magical plant'
And coughed for the next 5 minutes with his eyes closed and punching his chest to get oxygen in.
But the minute he opened his eyes, he was… calm….collected….introspective…he could see the world in a different light… more than any keggai kengai… wait… how did you spell it again?
Naruto didn't even care. Why did they call it that anyway? That was nothing but a person with irregular non-human tendencies. I mean… why would he be in awe of someone walking around with spinning eyes, or veins coming out of their eyes. That's just insane. Only retards would have a disease like that enabling them to see through people. He was convinced that most Hyuga were gay, uchiha's were not leaders, but followers that couldn't remember anything for themselves like old people , Naras were stalkers, and people who can pull bones out of their bodies circus material…
Miles away in Kiri, the Kaguya clan left mist to become a traveling circus.
What time was it anyway?
Oh… the academy. He was late for team assignments.
Naruto looked down at what he had on and screamed.
"OH NO MAN… I'M ON FIRE!!!"
Naruto headed to his room to change clothes. The orange was scaring him. He felt like his clothes were burning him. He soon switched for a hunter green shirt with black slacks, bandages wrapped into his ninja shoes. But the green shirt had a symbol. A leaf symbol…
And we aren't talking about Konoha's leaf either.
Naruto was hungry… oddly enough…he knew what to call it.
"I got the munchies."
Naruto left his residence, smelling very… natural with a small bag and paper wrapping in his pouch just in case his… perception was ever coming down. He left 10 clones at home to figure out how to make more.
(House)
Inside his house, four of his clones were smoked out as well and sat at a roundtable having a discussion about life while the other 6 began creating more plants by sprinkling some of the drugs in soil and pacing chakra. How they knew to do this, no one knows.
The discussion was intense. Let's tune in.
"Man… why do ninjas wear anything they want and all these other colors man… I mean… aren't ninja supposed to be silent and dark. They're supposed to blend in man." said one Naruto as he played with a kunai. The next Naruto to his left then began speaking.
"That's so true man… like… I figured out something man. There are shoes… that you can walk on water on man. Like… you put the shoes on… and you can walk on water. That's cool man!" said the other blazed out Naruto as he began laughing. The Naruto to his left then came up with something.
"Man... I came up with an idea… why don't we sell these drugs man… we can make money and buy our own Hokage Tower and buy the Hokage too man. Like… let's make some more plants, and then give them out everywhere for a sample… that'd be so cool." Said the next Naruto. The other two began nodding before the final Naruto said something.
"Man… we should make ramen flavored ice cream."
(Outside village)
"Man… your hair is awesome… I mean… its purple man… that's cool." Said Naruto as he passed an ANBU on the rooftops who looked at the kid for a second or two before saying thanks and continuing on her way.
As he made his way to the academy, his nose detected the smell of cooked meat and dango. Naruto made a detour and sped into the store. Usually, he wouldn't bother as most restaurants would deny him any service. But Naruto was on a… Unexplainable high. Everything was just peachy. Everybody was cool and life was just…relaxed… and for some weird reason. He couldn't feel his legs… his hands…
"Hey man… I can't feel my face." Said Naruto as he approached the counter and looked at the owner. Before the owner got out an insult, he paused as he gazed into the bloodshot eyes of Naruto and for some weird reason, felt a little eased by his gaze.
"Hey man… you have any turkey legs, dango, bread, cheese, potato chips and chicken by any chance man?" said Naruto as he went into his Gama wallet and put way more then what was necessary, not that it mattered to him.
The owner was stupefied. This was the demon? This was impossible. Demons don't pay more then what was needed nor do they just look so…relaxed. Nor do they give him drugs, like the man just slipped into his hands. The man nodded silent and gave back Naruto the money he didn't need before heading off to get what was requested.
As the restaurant grew to a silence, Naruto looked to his right and froze. His mouth slowly opened and his eyes widened. He then hopped off his stool before looking at the duo of jounins Kurenai and Anko, who had not looked away from the new Genin since he entered the restaurant.
Silence was unbearable for the patrons in the restaurant as they watched to see what the… kid was going to say, or what the Jounin would do.
Finally, Naruto laughed and pointed at Kurenai, relaxed grin planted on his face.
"Hey…you're pretty. I mean… your eyes… their so… red! That's so cool man… they look like… the sunset at 7 o'clock before the sun goes down… meaning you're the last thing people see before the night sky turns dark with envy that you've left." Said Naruto in another relaxed tone before putting his finger down and looking at Anko. He slowly made his way up to her, footsteps making nose with each step, creaking on the wood before he past a red in the face Kurenai (hey her skin is matching her eyes man…) and stood directly nose to nose with Anko.
"You… are… a goddess man… your amazing. Your eyes are like… from the earth man… that's so tubular… your smell reminds me of morning dew man… I think I love you man… I mean… you're so beautiful man… don't change man. Cause then that wouldn't be tubular."As Naruto was saying this, he kind of…crawled into her lap and began rubbin his cheek against her and smelled her hair before putting his forehead to hers before kissing her forehead and getting off of her. The strange bohemian music that began playing the minute he walked in stopped as he clones faded. Naruto turned away from the red faced and speechless Anko before getting his food and turning towards the two.
"Hey man… I have get-togethers at my house man, and I'd like for you two to come. We can just listen to music and play instruments and just talk man… and I just think we can all just cool it and relax. So… hope to see you there man… that'd be cool. I'm late man… so I'll see you tonight." Naruto left the restaurant. Causing the silence that was started the minute he came in, to not finish until Anko spoke.
"What… is tubular… and did he just tell me he loves me?"
Everybody sweat dropped.
(Academy)
As the class began waiting for Iruka, the door opened and in came…
Iruka with his papers for necessary assignments. As he began his long winded speech about graduating and becoming the ninja he knew they could be, the door opened and in came Naruto, eyes bloodshot and a huge brown paper bag in his hand, mouth chewing on a turkey leg and walk lazier then even Shikamaru.
"Sorry for that man… had to get some food…" said Naruto as he walked in.
"This is only for graduates dobe… your class is next semester." Said Kiba as the entire class laughed at Naruto except one lone Hyuga who frowned and said his name.
Naruto stared at the Inuzuka with the same bored expression before sighing.
"Man…cool out. I'm wearing a hitai-ate on my forehead dude… for a dog, your eyesight must be bad man… I mean… yeah man." said Naruto as he silenced Kiba and passed him, giving Kiba and Akamaru a whiff of just what he smelled like.
Now, the only problem with this would be that the normal dog nose was way stronger then the human nose. While a normal person would smell the stench and think 'He smells like trees,' Kiba smelled his stench and his nostrils filled with the smell of this drug and became high as well.
While Iruka began talking, Kiba was staring at the sealing counting the tiles as Naruto sat in between Chouji and Shikamaru. He soon looked at Shikamaru and whispered in his ear, repeating the notion to Naruto. He threw a paper ball at Kiba who, after reading, nodded as well.
Soon the teams were called out.
"Team 7, Haruno Sakura, Uzumaki Naruto and Uchiha Sasuke."
Sakura jumped in the air and screamed about how love would prevail while Sasuke clenched his fist. Naruto…
"That's cool."
Iruka sweat dropped as the Uzumaki and Chouji were both sitting down eating chips at the same time while looking at the teacher.
After the teams were assigned, Naruto left with the two, Kiba and his dog following behind. Where did they go?
To their secret hiding spot to get enlightened.
(Spot)
The four Genin were all bloodshot, Naruto more than the others, as the discussions continued.
"You know what I've noticed man." said Naruto. When asked he finally answered.
"Man… Sakura's hair is pink man. Like… pink pink man… it's like… bubblegum pink man. And that's just weird ." Said Naruto, Kiba nodded and spoke as well.
"Yeah man. I was just saying that to Akamaru… I wonder what would happen if you licked her hair… would it taste like bubblegum man… that'd be so cool. I think I'm going to lick her hair man…" Kiba said as Akamaru chased his own tail for 5 minutes straight. Just to fight with a white spot on the floor.
If only someone would tell the dog it was Naruto flashing a flashlight randomly.
Nodding his head in agreement, Chouji then spoke:
"You should man… that'd be cool… what does cool taste like man? I'm hungry… hey… what does hunger taste like? Man… what if you can taste hunger? Like… eat hunger."
Shikamaru nodded his head as well.
"I want to taste clouds. Cause then I'd be higher then I feel now man. Like… I wonder if you eat a cloud, would the 50% chance of becoming a cloud be true… would I be able to make precipitation when I felt like… that'd be cool. Then I wouldn't have to worry about a wife or anything. I'd just be a cloud… unless someone blew my cloud away. Then that wouldn't be so cool." Said Shikamaru. Naruto smiled and nodded.
"Man let's go eat and then go back to meet with our team!"Naruto said. The four Genin and the dog-nin left the spot to eat, forgetting to get the stench off of them.
As Naruto headed out, he bumped into the Hyuga heiress who began blushing, stammering and stuttering. Naruto looked at her calmly and lead her by hand back to the spot. 10 minutes later, a relaxed Hyuga had her arms all over Naruto.
"Naruto-kun… your like the coolest ninja ever man… I think I'm floating in the air with you man…like… "Hinata was so high, she wasn't scared. She wasn't afraid to tell Naruto anything. She was high.
"Kiss me man…kiss me."
Naruto was pulled into a kiss and time stopped. Bohemian music began playing in the background as the heiress and Naruto removed from one another and began dancing around in bliss before relaxing and…drifting back into class.
The entire class was confused to find the shy heiress relaxed and all over her crush, the two giggling at an inside joke.
As she sat down, the two began whispering in each other's ears as everyone looked on in confusion. This soon began bothering Ino who for reasons unknown, felt jealous. So she did what she did best, which was screaming her head off.
"NARUTO WHAT DID YOU DO TO HI-…" Ino never finished her sentence as Naruto was in front of her in seconds with his hand over her mouth.
'How did he move so fast…' thought the seemed as if Naruto…glided across the room to Ino. Very weird.
"Relax man… your too loud. You're going to ruin the moment of Zen, peace and serenity by being loud. Who can hear the boy cry wolf if everyone is howling like one man… take it easy." Naruto calmly said as he removed his hand, revealing a blushing Ino.
After that, the sensei's came to pick up her class, everyone noticing the way Kurenai blushed when Naruto called her 'sunset-hime.' Usually Hinata would be a little put off, but she was just too high for any comments.
As the three remaining kids stayed in wait for their sensei, Uchiha finally stood up and made his way to the still eating Naruto.
"Dobe… where did you get this power from?" Sasuke growled. Naruto looked into his eyes and smiled.
"You sure you want to know man…"
"Yes. I need the power." Growled Sasuke. Naruto smiled before looking left and right and telling the Uchiha to follow him, leaving a screaming Sakura telling them to wait for sensei. To which Naruto told her to relax. 2 hours later, the two return, Naruto practically floating, with the Uchiha gracefully gliding.
"Forget revenge man… what's the point. I just want to make a clan man." Sasuke said as he lay down on the table.
"Yeah man… me too. The Uzumaki clan will be cool man. I cant wait." Naruto said as he himself was laid out on the teachers desk.
"NARUTO BAKA WHAT DID YOU…" Sakura began screaming but the two drowned her out… for the first minute. The second minute…
When Hatake Kakashi came into the class room. He was shocked by the duck tapped Sakura screaming in the corner and the two…
Were they crying?
"Man that's beautiful… you should be a traveling singing man…man…"
Kakashi sweatdropped.
In the days that followed, the four would meet in the morning, Naruto telling the group about his idea. The group accepted before heading out to do missions… Naruto shared his drugs with his team. Making Sakura a feminist determined not to let the 'red eyed man with chicken butts' bring woman down. She secretly had a girlfriend named Sasame Fuuma.
Kiba met the girl and said her hair looked like oranges, he then licked her hair. Sakura caught them. After smoking with the two, she eventually married Kiba when he told her that her hair looked like bubblegum.
He then licked her hair. She pounced on him and he acknowledged her as his 'bubblegum alpha'
Akamaru was seen trying to hump Tora the cat
Sasuke became a guitar player who traveled across the countries looking for his brother to share his new insight. He reunited with Itachi and the two became 'The Uchiha Brother's Band'
Kakashi became a seller as well, his dogs being the quickest method to travel the drugs; he now went by the name "The Poppy Seed Nin." Kakashi gave some to Gai, making him run around with a peace sign tye-dyed shirt and grew his hair into an afro. Lee soon followed; the duo went on to sell those shirts throughout the countries
Tenten dressed up in a panda suit and sold drugs in Kusa, becoming the Kage after he tried to run from her without paying. He took a kunai to the heart. She refused the robes in favor of her panda suit.
Neji went on to become a Buddhist, claiming him meeting the drug was 'fate'
Naruto was on the run from the Hyuga for getting the Hyuga heiress high, convincing her to be a belly dancer and then making out with her.
In her father's room
On his bed
With him sleeping on it. ('I was trying to share the love,' being Naruto's excuse)
He then became known as 'Cloud' because of his underground drug trade. His clones would sell the plants throughout the elemental nations in disguise and bring back the income to Naruto.
He got Kurenai high. It took him 4 hours to convince her that she wasn't wrapped up in a tree about to kill herself, but that she put herself in a Genjutsu. He then told her that if she was a tree he'd smoke her for years. She was pregnant months later
Pun intended
Anko got high and told Naruto her tattoo was a 'lick and sniff' sticker. She was pregnant months later.
Because of his drugs, Orochimaru had no need for the Sharingan. Why need all seeing eyes when his eyes seen all seeing eyes (he was looking in the mirror for hours)
Kabuto became a grunge artist, mostly known for cutting himself 50 times per show and healing miraculously for the next one.
The Sound 5 became a dance group
Naruto met Karin and promptly turned her into his personal drug… Anko nearly killed him once he walked in on him playing 'Dracula & Little Red Riding Hood.'
She promptly played the wolf
Kisame became a surfer and used his sword as a surf board
Deiedra was never high, but his hands and stomach were different stories
Sasori became a puppeteer entertaining kids and then kidnapping them for drugs. He was soon admitted into the psychiatric ward after he kidnapped Hanabi Hyuga and screamed she was blind.
Even when she said she could see him.
Pein and Hidan hailed Naruto as a god after one hit and even though Naruto didn't know it, he was the Kage of Ame.
Naruto met Konan and told her that her paper was what he needed in order to smoke their hearts together. She was pregnant months later.
Gaara was not bloodthirsty. Because of the drugs, he ate and slept all day because the Shukaku was high as well. Kankuro decided to make fighting kites, becoming the first ninja to do that. Temari remained a wind mistress but used the drugs to get people high as she would sprinkle the drug with sand, salt and pepper (Gaara came up with the idea) and blow the drug into the wind, getting all of Suna high. Pushing them to wear tye-dye robes. Because of this idea, Gaara became Kage as his father smoked the drug and jumped to his death saying he was Gaara's moving sand (that too being Gaara's idea)
Iwa nins injured their feet, making them incapable of war because once their Kage got a sample, he was so smacked, he made it protocol to smoke the drug, after his wife told him to 'kick rocks barefoot.' Him gaining inspiration, told his high nins that was the way to destroy Konoha.
Mist nin truly lived up to their name as all they did was smoke…and smoke… and smoke…
The Raikage took a whiff and gave it to his brother, turning him into a poet. He then traded Yugito Nii over for a plant.
Naruto bought Yugito some boots and told her she was complete. She became pregnant months later
Uchiha Madara took a hit and got so high he 'phased' out and was unable to faze back again, causing anyone who seen him to run away in fear of the 'orange masked ghost that mumbled good boy'
Gatou was an investor in Naruto's drug trade and paid Tazuna 12 million to get the bridge done. Naming it 'The Great Naruto Trade Bridge' because of the many drug transactions that took place on that bridge.
Zabuza gave the Mizukage a pound of the drug to become the Kage.
Haku became a transvestite
Tsunade became a healing hippie who played on a banjo and Shizune became a gambling nurse after eating ton-ton and turning her into pounds of bacon.
Jiraiya wrote a new book besides Icha Icha paradise called 'rolling up for dummies.' He soon reunited with Tsunade, and wrote a new book called 'How To Win A Banjo-Playing Woman's Heart With A Saxophone…For Dummies.'
Ino became a magician and went across the country calling her 'Mindfreak' she came across Naruto who gave her Sarutobi's magic ball. She was pregnant months later
The Hokage gave up his position to Naruto to go and he and his son become architects. Their first invention:
Monkey bars.
Chouji married Ayame after she discovered how to make space cake.
Kiba got his clan high and came up with the idea to create a store named 'Inuzuka's Hit Dogs'
Shikamaru met Temari during a drug trade and told her that she looked like a cloud with pepper, salt and sand on it. She raped him and then married him in a town called: 'Las Ninjas'(1)
What happened there stayed there.
Naruto married Kurenai, Anko, Yugito, Karin, Ino, Konan and Hinata to revive his two clans ('share the love man…' was his response) and became a 'Weedkage' of all of the elementary countries.
And Zetsu…
"Dude…where's you put my dandruff?"
*end*
Believe it or… no… believe it. I don't smoke. I just taught it was funny and I was watching episodes of 'That 70's show' when I was hit with this inspiration. If anyone wants to make a story, or take the idea and run with it, don't thank me, thank 'That 70's show' man… hope you laughed at one of these.
1= I couldn't find anything that worked for Las Vegas so I just said Los Ninjas
Oh, if you want me to do another one, I truly can.
Hope you enjoyed.