Chapter Four: Angel // Sarah McLachlan
Emma wasn't sure how long she had sat alone, knees drawn to her chest as she stared at the now snow-covered ground. As much as she wanted Will's strong arms around her, whispering, "It'll be okay," while knowing it wouldn't, she needed to be alone. She wasn't particularly thinking about anything. The numbness she felt was making no motion of leaving as the sky grew darker. In the deepest places of her mind, there was some voice telling her how badly she wanted this, yet no matter how many times she heard the voice, it continually sounded like a lie.
Will was sitting in the kitchen, staring at the clock on the microwave, willing time to go by faster. Thus far, Sue had predicted Emma's reaction perfectly and he wasn't going to chance ignoring her next directions. Time alone, that's what his wife needed. He didn't particularly want to give it to her, he wanted her in his arms so he could repeatedly tell her "It'll be okay," even through he knew it wouldn't for awhile. But somewhere, in the corners of his head, there was a small whisper, reminding him how excited he had been over a year ago when Terri thought she was pregnant—how he was willing to sacrifice anything for the child; he was glad Emma had been there, keeping him where he was. He was going to help her in the same way she had done for him.
Will sat at her kitchen table three nights after their first kiss. Emma had agreed to stay at McKinley, so long as he was willing to work with his soon-to-be-ex wife so their divorce wouldn't be so bitter, so he wouldn't be regretting and hanging onto broken pieces of his past as he tried to move forward with the lovely red head who was currently cooking him dinner.
She set a steaming bowl of soup in front of him, "I know this is probably the last thing you want to talk about, Will, but, um...how are you doing with the whole, you know, not having a baby thing?"
He breathed deeply, "I was angry at first, so angry, Emma...then I was just plain depressed. I couldn't stop crying. I was mourning something that I never had in the first place."
Emma took his hand, lacing their fingers, "It-it's normal. Um, I guess the best way to describe what you're feeling is like; when a mother miscarries a baby or it's still born. Just because you never got to hold or...whatever people do with babies...just because you never got to know your little girl doesn't mean that you can't grieve her. You've spent the past three months preparing for a future where you'd be taking care of a baby. Now that's gone."
Will was trying his best to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill over, he didn't want to cry in front of Emma, not over this.
"Hey," she said in the breathy way that sent chills up his spine, "Don't be ashamed to cry. You're grieving, Will. It's normal. It's healthy. Just...cry."
He blinked as he shed a few tears, which became more. Emma pulled his face into her shoulder, not saying anything, just holding him.
When he was able to compose himself, she wiped the tears from his face, "Maybe someday you'll get the chance to be a father, Will. You'd be a great one."
Two hours had passed and Will decided Emma had been alone long enough.
"Hey," He said, sitting next to her on the blue padding of the bench.
"I'm sorry," Her voice seemed to echo as she turned her forlorn eyes to his, "I shouldn't be reacting like this."
He kept his hands to himself, ignoring the burning desire to hold her—feeling that would only make the situation worse, "Emma, it's okay—"
"No it's not!" She nearly shrieked, her hysteria peeking again, "I should be happy, we should be having celebratory sex or hopping on the internet to pick a crib...but Will, I'm sorry, I just don't know how to deal with this," tears flowed freely down her cheeks once more as she buried her face in her arms, her body jerking with each heavy intake of breath.
Will didn't exactly know how to respond as he swung his legs onto the window seat, his position matching hers, "Okay, well, let's deal with it. Talk to me. Tell me what you're most worried about."
"I—I don't know. There's so many things and I don't even know what I'm more scared of, being pregnant or actually having to raise a baby."
"What scares you about being pregnant?" He asked, as he played the role she had so many times.
"There's going to be...stuff coming out of me and...weird medicine that'll make the baby have flippers, and all the time in the doctor's office...and lots of vomiting and being nauseated all the time and wanting peanut butter on tacos and oh, God, Will, actually giving birth," She fanned her face with her hands, "I, they're going to...oh, God, there are going to be people sticking their hands in my....oh, God..."
Seriously fearing Emma was going to faint, Will reached his hands to cup her face, "Breathe, Em!" She was suddenly pale as the snow outside, tiny beads of sweat developed on her forehead, "Emma!" He guided her face between her knees, "Keep breathing, sweetheart, think about the snow. It's snowing outside, maybe we'll have a snow day tomorrow, wouldn't that be nice?"
He learned how to handle a fainting spell after his first visit with her parents...
It was early morning over their winter break and Emma was still asleep in her old bedroom. For whatever reason, Will's mind was still on school time. Taking advantage of this, Mrs. Pillsbury had asked Will to join her in the kitchen, he was nervous, the older red-head knew of his divorce. He figured she was going to threaten his life if he dared to break Emma's heart.
She surprised him with words of advice, "Quite obviously, you know of Emma's...condition," She had said for lack of better words, as they sat at the kitchen table, Mr. Pillsbury joining them with coffee, "There's a few things I just want you to be aware of, incase they should happen when she's with you."
"Alright," Will felt strangely like a twelve-year old girl about to babysit for the first time, but allowed Emma's mother to continue.
"Well, while I'm not sure if it's happened anytime recently, she used to have terrible fainting spells...mostly when comforted with a particularly messy situation. While she's much better at reacting to it, it's best if you know what to do if she looks like she's about to faint. In my experience, she was typically on some sort of stress-induced rant about something that she was terribly upset about, usually something related to the, you know, mysophobia. In mid-rant, she would start having shortness of breath, which is common for her, but you'll know the difference when it's happening...she'll stop suddenly and be very pale and sweaty. Her eyes will start to roll, but if you can calm her down in time, you can keep her from actually hitting the floor."
Mr. Pillsbury took a sip of his coffee, "She's good at fighting it, but you've got to remind her to breathe, because quite honestly, she just doesn't. Get her sitting if she's not, then guide her head between her knees. Talk about anything but whatever lead to the fainting. When she seems okay, giver her something sweet, even though she'll whine about it later...usually juice works. As long as you can keep her breathing, she'll be okay."
Will looked up from the table to see Emma sleepily walk into the room, still in pink pajamas, her hair a complete mess; but she looked gorgeous, "Hey," He said standing, wrapping her into a hug, "Sleep nice?"
"Uh, yeah...what were you talking about? Were you making him uncomfortable, dad?"
Her mother smiled and winked, "Just giving him some advice, honey."
Will smiled back, one arm still around Emma's waist, gripping her hip firmly. He looked at the young redhead before him; he hoped he wouldn't have to use the advice.
Emma's breathing began to even out as Will rubbed her back, "Keep breathing, sweetheart, I'm getting you something to drink."
Returning moments later with a cup of red liquid, he was pleased to see her sitting up and taking in plenty of air. She gratefully accepted the glass.
"How, how did you know to do all that?"
He shrugged sheepishly, "Your parents told me what to do if I thought you were going to faint. Guess they were right."
Her mouth hung open, "What else did they tell you?"
"Nothing bad, Em. Just stuff to be prepared incase something should happen. I'm glad they did. Although, they didn't tell me what to do if..." His voice trailed off, smooth, he thought. Just when she was distracted.
"I...can we not talk about the p-pregn..." she stopped, "I mean, really. I don't want to talk about it right now."
Will brought her hand to his lips, "Okay, not now. But before bed. I don't want it hanging over us, okay?"
Emma nodded, "I'm starving, let's make some dinner quick?"
Dinner was quiet as they attempted to avoid the giant elephant in the room; Will discussed the trouble he was having getting juniors to learn the difference between the subjunctive and indicative forms as Emma sat quietly, hearing without really listening. She uncharacteristically moved her food around on her plate, causing her food to touch. When Will noticed this, he took her hand, "Em?"
Her eyes grew wide and she burst out of the room; moments later, Will heard the sounds of retching from their bathroom. He sighed, putting his head in his hands. This was a bit harder to deal with then he originally thought, Sue had made it sound like it wasn't going to be so difficult. It wasn't that he didn't want to be by his wife's side—he simply didn't know what he could do to help, to make her see that she would be a great mom, that the pregnancy was a beautiful surprise. He needed to talk to her mother, but it would be unfair to announce their bundle of joy without her consent.
The sounds of running water stirred him from his thoughts, he crept down the hall to see Emma scrubbing her pearly white teeth with so much force he was surprised her gums weren't bleeding. We need more mouthwash, he noticed, as his eyes met hers in the mirror.
He pulled the ponytail holder out of her hair as she began untying the drawstring of her sweatpants, "Mind if I join you?" He said quietly into her neck.
She turned and tore off his shirt on her way to turn on the faucet. Taking that as a yes, Will held her naked body close as they stood with the hot water beating down.
Emma suddenly became less concerned with cleaning herself and much more preoccupied with Will's muscular frame. For a guy who's idea of working out was dancing around a high school auditorium, he certainly was ripped. Her delicate fingers ran up and down his wet arms and across his chest, his lips came crashing upon hers as he began fondling her, his hands moving across her chest as well. "I-Will!" She gasped as he pinched her lightly. He promptly stopped but she protested, "I never said to stop," she whispered, stroking his spine with a wet fingernail, causing him to shiver.
As the water became progressively colder, they silently agreed to continue elsewhere. Once they were dry, Will dressed Emma in his favorite nightgown of hers, one that was mostly sheer and exceptionally short with lace edges. He slipped on a pair of boxers and held her tight as his tongue danced on her clean skin near her shoulder blades.
"Will," She moaned as he sucked on her favorite spot. Emma returned the favor moments later as she nipped near his earlobe, "I—I hate to stop, but...I think we need to talk about this," She said rolling onto her back with both hands on her lower stomach. She gasped suddenly, realizing it was the first time her hands had gone there after the couple discovered the result of their frequent love-making.
Will smiled, knowing the thought was running through her mind. He knew there wasn't much to experience yet, but he asked anyway, "Can I—?"
"Yeah," she smiled for the first time in hours as his hand crept up her nightgown, pushing it up to reveal her usual flat stomach. Not caring that there was nothing to see, he rested both hands on either side below her bellybutton, "I—Will. We're having a baby," She murmured, "A baby."
He nearly cried with joy as he witnessed the first signs of acceptance from his wife, "Yeah, Em. We are."
Her eyes glazed over with tears, "I'm still worried as hell, but...I think, the part of me that wanted you from the moment I first saw you...that part has always wanted this. And that's all I can think about right now, Will. We're having a baby!" She squeaked as she announced it again, her arms winding around his neck, kissing him passionately.
Will pulled away after several minutes, "It's going to be okay, Emma."
"Yeah," she breathed deeply, "I guess it is."
For the first time that night, they both believed it.
"So. Babies. What do you know about them?" Emma asked, as neither of them were falling asleep in the early hours of morning.
"Uh," Will turned to face her and propped himself on his elbow as his fingers played with the lace that covered her breasts, "What do you want to know about them?"
She blushed, "Well, um, I've never actually held an real little baby. I think the most experience I've had with children was when my family left us in charge over the summer." Will laughed at the memory...
Emma's parents and brother and his wife had gone into town for the day, leaving Emma and Will with her sister and her husband.
The kids had been running in circles around the house, unable to play outdoors due to the sudden summer storms that had settled in for the week. Seven children running around loudly was beginning to annoy Emma. Just as she was about to ask for a little peace—
"MOM!" Came the hysterical screech of her oldest niece, who had tripped and landed quite wrong. Will rushed to her side and cringed at the sight of her leg which was laying in a most unnatural position.
Emma's red headed sister and husband decided the emergency room was their best bet, leaving Will and Emma with six children under the age of four.
JoJo, age two, was the first to start crying a mantra of, "I want mommy!" Which was responded with Will holding her and attempting to convince her that it wouldn't be too long. Kyle and Tyler, twins age three began whining of hunger moments later. Matthew, age four, began making gun noises and antagonizing Kendal, age two, while 'shooting' her, and as Emma turned in search of Andrew, age one, she realized he was nowhere in the surrounding area.
The noise soon began her sensory overload as she fanned herself with her hands, Will set JoJo down and told Emma to breathe.
"Alright," He said loudly, capturing the attention of the five youngsters before him, "We're going to play a quick game of 'find Andrew' and the winner gets to pick what we're going to have for a snack."
The kids searched quickly as Will's arms snaked around his wife, "Relax, it's going to be fine. It's just a couple of hours and once we've got them doing something constructive, they'll be quiet and happy."
She nodded and opened the cupboard door, where she had hoped to find something she could make for the kids, and instead found a blonde one-year-old, happily slurping his fingers and cooing when she saw him, "Will!" she called, "I found him!"
Will smiled down at Andrew, who was giggling with his arms up in Emma's direction, "Pick him up, Em," Will suggested.
"Oh, no, no, no...I don't—I can't...okay," she mumbled as Will placed the baby in her arms, "Oh, gosh, Will, he's very slobbery," At this, Andrew seemed to take offense and wildly flapped his saliva coated hands onto her face, causing her to shriek and shove the baby in Will's arms, shuffling to the nearest bathroom.
The remainder of the kids laughed from their seats at the kitchen table. When Emma felt her face was free of the baby slime, she began cutting apples and scooping peanut butter into small cups. The kids graciously accepted the snack and began quietly munching.
Will bounced Andrew as Emma stared at the baby, "He says sorry," Will whispered, kissing her neck near her ear, "He didn't mean it. He loves his Aunty Emma."
She sighed and took the baby back, "Hi, Andrew," She found herself smiling at his baby babble as the kids began to finish eating.
"Uncle Will? Will you play us a song?" Matthew asked as he threw away the skin of his apple which he had eaten around, "And Aunt Emma sing to us?"
"Okay," Will said, "But you've got to clean up all the toys in the living room and the basement first, and everyone has to help."
The kids rushed to do so, excited for their mini-concert. Will watched as Emma awkwardly held her nephew. He adjusted the baby in her arms, allowing Andrew to rest his head on her shoulder. Minutes later, he was sound asleep.
"Look at that, Em. You can hold a baby." He breathed into her ear, kissing her hair.
Will's fingers continued to move down her front, "Well, babies are rather fussy little things, when they're first born. It's my understanding that you don't sleep for about two months...but people just seem to want to give you stuff all the time, clothes, toys...anything."
A smile was playing on Emma's lips, "Are you excited?"
"Yes, Emma. You know what last year was like..." While she didn't like to be reminded of Terri's actions, Emma nodded.
"I promise to try my best," She said quietly, "I can't guarantee that I'm going to be super-mom...but I'm going to try."
Will pulled Emma on top of him, Sue's words echoing in the back of his head for the final time that evening, "once you convince her that she's going to be a great mom, you'll hug it out and go to bed. It'll be fine, William." He kissed her and allowed his mind to wander back to the day at her parents...
After several selections from Bon Jovi, Vanessa Carlton and Rascal Flatts, the kids requested a slow song.
Emma's sweet voice echoed off the high ceilings as she hit the refrain of the song she and Will had chosen, "In the arms of the angel, far away from here, in this stark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you feel. You are pulled from the wreckage, from your silent reverie, you're in the arms of an angel, may you find some comfort here..."
I love them.
Notes in the profile as always, including a song analysis of "Angel."
Thanks for all the readers and reviews! It makes my day and keeps me writing.