Disclaimer:All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them stems from my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for).

AN: This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretching that to the limit and suspending the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!!

(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…if you don't give me some help soon it will be YOUR stomach I'll be stuffing with sheep liver, lungs, oatmeal, onions and herbs and boiling in a pan for several hours…)

Forget taking away their freedom Mel "Do I Look Taller In Woad" Gibson…I bet you never took away that Scottish recipe...

FIRST FOOTING or HOW TO PUT YOUR WORST ONE FORWARD

It was just after 1 am on New Year's Day and for Alex 2008 had already got off to bad start and not the way she planned. Nor with the kind of big bang she was counting on.

The"Welcome 2008 Party" at 1PP she helped to organise had been a huge success. The food was great, the band excellent and people enjoyed themselves. Most important the booze hadn't run out and there were no gun fights, which had rather put a dampener on last year.

Bobby had turned up, without a date and though he annoyed a few people at their table for a while, after a few drinks things got better. Alex didn't recall who it was raised the topic of New Year customs like eating black-eyed peas and ham. But trust Goren to know that in Spain you eat 12 grapes at midnight, doughnuts on New Years Day in the Netherlands and even, that the ancient Babylonians celebrated the holiday for a full eleven days.

By the time his lecture had got to Hogmanay, the Scottish word for New Year's Eve, the attention of other people was starting to flag. Though Mike Logan expressed vague interest in what "haggis and neeps" were and Megan Wheeler delayed her visit to the restroom. To learn from Bobby something of the tradition of "first footing" in Scotland and across the rest of the UK.

There, the first person through your door after midnight was supposed to bring you luck for the rest of the year. And ideally, should be a dark haired man carrying coal and salt for reasons Alex didn't hear, as the band began to play again.

It didn't much matter. If her plan for the start of 2008 worked and good fortune was hers, the first guy through her door would have rather big feet, not be as dark as he once was and not be leaving until morning. Be an old acquaintance she'd not forget and if the rumours were true, very memorable indeed.

But as midnight approached, Bobby was no-where to be found and Alex sensed her chances of discovering if he'd ever had a tonsillectomy were fading. As everyone began to sing "Auld Lang Syne" all she could think of was Bobby telling people though Robert Burns wrote the words they were not formally published until after his death in 1796.

When everyone fell to kissing every one else and she finally got Logan's tongue from round the back of her wisdom teeth, Alex discovered two things. That Bobby had gone off with a gang of his buddies from the Army and she wasn't the only one with a disappointed expression. Elliot Stabler looked very pissed off too.

Then, just as she decided to go to bed, there was a knock at her door. When she looked through the spy hole all she could see was Bobby's face and a combat helmet at a rather jaunty angle. And heard him giggling, "I came to wish you a happy New Year"

She threw open the door. He should have said "very happy New Year" because forget the coal and salt; the only thing he seemed to have in his hand was a large balloon. A strategically placed balloon since the rest of him was totally naked.

He smiled at her and she smiled back even wider. When she saw that where the balloon said "2008" someone had crossed out the "20" and added something else. So it now read "O8 inches".

"Come in Bobby" she breathed.

The"first foot" through her door was size thirteen, the second seemed to trip over the first and Bobby landed flat on his face on the hall floor. His butt was great. Though whether it really was still "Property of the US Army" was uncertain and the handwriting was very bad.

It looked to be written in purple marker pen of some kind and Alex was only certain of two things as Bobby lay there. He'd had cups filled with more than kindness since she saw him last and was the closest thing to dead a man could be who was still breathing.

New Year's Day 10 am

Bobby woke with half the City of New York road maintenance department drilling holes in his head and the other half excavating his stomach with shovels. And with the growing realisation he was on the floor of a strangely familiar hallway.

Head on a cushion, covered in a thin blanket and with something stuck on part of his anatomy. At least he'd not been so drunk he wasn't still sensible about things. He reached down and pulled it off with a rubbery twanging sound. He winced. Didn't usually sting like that.

When his hand retrieved it from under the blanket Bobby realised it was a shrivelled gold balloon with something written on it. And vague memory was returning. Of a bet with Hank and Joe and of the ice rink at the Rockefeller Center. No wonder his feet felt slightly frost bitten.

"Happy New Year Goren" a female voice seemed to scream above the sound of the roadcrew.

But she didn't seem too happy and Bobby finally worked out where he was.

"Shit" he thought. "She's not going to let me live this down for 365 days"

Then Bobby remembered. 2008 is a Leap Year and the start to it had just got about 0.273 percent worse.

AN:He did give me some help…just as well or it would be more than turnips I was mashing to go with the haggis…buttering them is optional…

With best wishes to all the other CI nut-jobs…I mean…everyone, everywhere for a happy, peaceful and successful 2008.

Clueless XXX

PS. I wonder if Bobby knows about the Leap Year tradition of a woman proposing to a guy on 29th February…that'll cure his hangover and get him off Alex's floor PDQ!!!