Disclaimer:All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for).
AN: These stories are not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!!
(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron...I told you those stockings were hanging too close to the fire...now go call the Fire Department)
For everyone who wants Bobby Goren wearing nothing but fur handcuffs for Christmas....
VENICIDE
Twas the night before Christmas, the city was waiting
For St Nick's call, much anticipating.
When from Central Park
Came a scream in the dark
Enough to set all ears a grating.
For the old guy in red
Was surrounded by dead
And kids nearby were awaking.
As the people all called "nine one one"
Came the last sound from a powerful gun.
And fell down did Dancer
On top of poor Prancer
Marking the end of seasonal fun.
For I kid you not
All the reindeer were shot
Even Dasher got no chance to run.
When the cops came, Ross took charge of the scene
Told others to find a guy "armed and real mean"
Though one stopped to vomit
On what was left of young Comet
This was real, not just a bad dream.
Ross turned to those abler
In Benson and Stabler
With them he had a good team.
But Ross's hopes were soon fast sinking
When he realised Liv had been drinking,
Over Blitzen she frowned
Then sank to ground,
With tears she was rapidly blinking.
So obsessed with her past
The victims came last
Of lost love was all she was thinking.
For the object of her obsession
Was fixed on his favourite possession.
His latest tattoo
Was of Mr Magoo
Can't say where because of discretion.
Stabler not hit by Cupid's dart
He fell over the reindeer's heart
As CSI arrived in a procession.
"Now this is a thought just idle"
Said that dame more annoying than Siddle.
With her Medusan hair
She waved at the air
"Could these deer have been suicidal?"
"You're on the wrong track"
Honked the one they call Mack
With that tone as ever adenoidal.
Ross rolled his eyes at this hopeless bunch
As from bushes came Finn and John Munch
"We found dear old Donna
I fear she's a gonna"
And another cop upchucked his late lunch.
Amid dead cervidae
Ross let out a cry
"Where are those I need in a crunch?"
Mike Logan was nowhere in sight
He'd vanished into the night
Leaving Ross counting cost
Of partners he'd lost
And Vixen giving up her fight.
In the park nothing glowed
Not even a red nose
Rudolph the way could not light.
This was stuff of nightmare not dreams
Where was Goren and his partner Eames?
Then Ross slipped in the mud
And the caribou blood
Went over his new denim jeans.
They'd have the answer
To who killed Dancer
But is everything just as it seems?
Could they be together our two?
Locked so tight one might suspect glue?
No grunting just groaning
With much wistful moaning.
Have I turned shipper out of the blue?
While some may be hoping
For angst and mild groping
You know that's not what I do.
The truth it will be so hard to bear
But I have the proof, this I can swear
The fact I cannot stifle
T'was Bob had the rifle
He shot Rudolph and Co with great care.
Nor is Eames as white as snow
With him she did happily go
Was her field glasses left behind there.
So as you put up your Yuletide tree
Think of Goren and Eames and of me
Eating pies made of Blitzen
And steaks cut from Vixen.
Is that Comet cutlets I see?
When comes the New Year
We'll be right out of deer
Only Donna kebabs left for tea.
Some may think this a tale that's not sunny
Verging on sick and not very funny.
But in two thousand and ten
See what we three do then.
As we track down the Easter Bunny.
AN: With best wishes for 2010 to all the CI lovers and lovers of CI.