New Moon: Edward's Story

I didn't even bother running. Time meant nothing to me anymore. Not that it had meant much before this. Now it seemed like a burden; a constant pressure against me, pushing me forward even though I felt too tired to move. And exhaustion was never something a vampire encountered.

I was hollow. My heart had stopped beating a century ago, yes. But now it wasn't there at all. There was a hole, of sorts. And each time her beautiful face filled my mind, that hole burst into flames. The pain I had felt in my throat when I smelled her would have been gladly welcomed compared to this tearing, ripping, scorching I felt now in my chest.

That face. Every fiber of my being yearned to see it again. A force seemed to pull me toward her. Yet I worked against it, fighting every hour. This was good for her. She was safe now. Safe from danger, harm, pain…soulless immortality. Safe from me.

I drug my feet across the dirt. Tracking was becoming more and more frustrating. Victoria was nowhere, it seemed. Even though I had come this far, it seemed like a lost cause now. She was obviously nowhere near Forks, if she was visiting places like Rio de Janeiro. She was proving to be a good subject, of course. She never stopped moving. She was always alone.

I laughed without humor when I realized we had that in common.

I had not spoken to my family for two or three months. They were not hasty to let me go, but they knew better than to argue. I had to leave them. I was too sickened with myself and I did not want them to have to live with that. If I would have stayed they would have tried to comfort me, which was a lost cause. I could not be comforted. I did not want to burden them with myself. I would make them feel worse, even though they hadn't done anything wrong. Not like I had. Guilt crippled me, cracking and snapping the links I held between my family and myself.

As I walked down the deserted street, I stepped into a perfectly round puddle. The shape surprised me; it was a perfect circle. I looked into it and my reflection rippled from the disturbance of my foot. I looked nowhere near the man I used to. But how could I say 'man'? Maybe 'creature' would be a better word. Thing.

My hair was knotted, permanently windblown, wild around my white face. My eyes were pitch black, with dark purple circles surrounding them. I had not hunted in little more than a month. Although the thirst clawed at my throat, I could not make myself care.

My clothes were ripped and muddied. I left my shoes behind long ago, seeing no need in them. I wasn't acting human for anyone anymore. I cringed then. The thought of acting human only brought back cold, clear memories of why I did it.

Bella.

I stared into the puddle, seeing her face instead of mine. I wished it away quickly.

The face of Bella that I saw now was not happy, as I imagine any memory of a loved one would be. Beautiful, though it was, it held tormented shock. A sort of numb acceptance. Her eyes were wider than I'd ever seen them, glossy and pleading. They were glistening with tears, yet they had not fallen. No, I left before they could spill over.

What a disgusting coward I was. I had said the destroying words but I could not even stay long enough to watch what they destroyed?

Maybe I would have, if she had not surprised me with her quick belief of my lies.

I had felt it on my face, the shock as the lies I fed her were believed within seconds. She truly believed that I didn't want her. But, I was practiced, so I felt my mask slide back into place before she could notice.

That mask fell as soon as I'd reached the opening of the forest. I stopped, too blinded by emotion to go any further. I screamed at the top of my lungs, knowing no one would hear me. I clawed at my forehead, feeling my head swim. I was gasping loudly. I bent toward a large boulder to sit, but instead I picked it up and launched it as far as I could throw it. I felt the vibration through the earth as it landed and rolled. I felt my knees against the wet ground. I looked up at the sky, only seeing Bella's face. She clouded my vision. I had to grip the ground, dig my fingers into the earth, to stay away. I wanted so badly to run to her, embrace her, say I take it back.

I gritted my teeth tightly, feeling another scream in my throat.

I had no idea how long I sat there. It could have been minutes, or hours. I finally got up and raced to my car, and drove to Denali without stopping.

The moment I got out of my car I heard their thoughts swimming in my head.

I had heard Carlisle's first.

Edward, my son. I'm sorry. I know this pain must be unbearable, but I think you made the right choice. She will be safe now, free from the danger we have inflicted on her.

Jasper's apologies came next. His pleading only sickened me more. Please Edward, I am to blame here. Please forgive me. If I had never…

He looks horrible. How could this possibly help? Well I won't contest his decision if he thinks this is best. I guess I should probably hide my visions of Bella for awhile… I was surprised Alice had not greeted me herself, but she seemed caught up in her own thoughts.

Even Rosalie and Emmett were more concerned with deciding on what to say to me than on thinking it. Maybe they thought I wouldn't pay attention. I wish.

I felt Esme's gaze burning into me as I looked at the ground, unable to meet any of their eyes. She didn't frame a thought, but I felt the intense motherly worry practically radiating from her.

Just then I heard five more pairs of feet gliding toward us in the snow. Tanya, Kate, Irina, Carmen, and Eleazar stepped forward to greet me. Tanya's mental tone was louder than any other as she approached.

Edward, finally! I'm so glad you're here. Carlisle explained, I'm truly sorry for what has happened. I wish I could… I blocked out her useless coddling.

"I'd like to hunt," I said quietly, shutting the car door and stopping a few yards from my audience. I still looked none of them in the eye.

All of them were silent. It was clear I was making them all uncomfortable. Except for Tanya, of course.

"Good. I'll go with-"

"I'd like to go alone," I said harshly, not letting her finish. I knew it was cruel, but I could not remember how to be a gentleman just then. I had left all of who I was miles away.

I could hear Tanya's hurt intake of breath. No one spoke.

"Of course," Carlisle said eventually. "We'll leave you to it, Edward. Hurry back, though. We've missed you." He started to reach for my shoulder, but thought better of it. I was glad; I would've instinctively shoved it away before thinking.

I darted towards the mountains and waited until a scent found me. It didn't take long. I finished the bear quickly, but took my time on my way back. My mind was free of others' thoughts, as I was miles away from everyone. The silence seemed to trigger the scream I held in my throat. I forced it back down, welcoming the numbness that came instead.

Everyone had gone inside except for Alice. She waited for me in front of the house. She didn't think, only watched as I approached. As soon as I began to walk up the path, she held out her arms to embrace me. Her face was saddened. Yes, she missed Bella as I did. Though, I was not in the mood to be comforted. But I could feel the low rumbling inside me. The echoing of the scream I held. I ignored it.

"Edward," she said simply. I rudely walked past her, her arms still open wide.

She turned and grabbed my shoulder to stop me. I shook it roughly off. She tried again, grabbing the back of my shirt. I turned around and shoved her with unforgivable force.

She flew back onto the ground twenty feet from me, her eyes wide.

I couldn't believe what I'd done. I darted over to her, my own eyes wide with disbelief. I mumbled apologies to her, but even I couldn't make sense of them. I knelt over her, trying to lift her to her feet, but my arms finally went numb. The rumbling inside me burst threw me like a geyser and I fell to my knees.

Pain overwhelmed me. I stared, seeing nothing. My mouth hung open, but no words formed. Tearless sobs ripped through me before I could stop them. I felt Alice pull me into her tiny arms and cradle me like a child on the ground. I was too overcome with the loss that had suddenly hit me to feel embarrassed. She was gone. Bella was gone. And so was my still, frozen heart.

Alice just rocked me back and forth slowly, whispering comforts to me that I did not listen to. We sat there while I gasped and groaned until Esme finally came to bring us inside. I obeyed silently, not really hearing her at all.

Inside, they made no attempt to hide their shock. They all stared at me, their pitying eyes following me to the nearest chair as Esme pushed me softly into it. Their thoughts held the same pitying tone. I forced them away uselessly.

"What are you all staring at? Well?" Alice almost shouted. They all jumped and scurried in different directions. Jasper walked forward and began to ease my mind. But something inside of me told me I should suffer. More. More than this. I should be tortured by the fact that I left the one I loved.

"Just go, Jasper," I whispered, while Esme rubbed my shoulders.

I really think you need to calm down a little, Edward. Let me help. Please. Jasper thought soothingly. He could feel my mood better than I could. He knew I might snap at any second. My feelings were erratic; I felt at any moment they might shift into opposites. The buzzing of thoughts of everyone seemed to bore down on me more than ever.

Alice kept guard over me. Her small figure held a protective stance at the dining room threshold, looking into the future for nosy intruders, no doubt.

I let Jasper calm me. Esme softly stroked my cheeks, trying to soothe me. My shoulders slumped and I hung my head in defeat.

Her face never left my head. Bella's lovely chocolate brown eyes now twisted into horror and shocked understanding. Even now, as I stared into the puddle of water. All I saw was her.

I shook my head, willing myself to look away from my reflection. It was silent in the alley. I walked around aimlessly. Tracking was a waste of my time, I suppose. Maybe I would check in with Carlisle soon.

My phone vibrated for the fifth time in the past hour. It was Rosalie. How odd. I hadn't spoken to her since I left.

"Rosalie?" I answered, puzzled. My voice sounded strange to me, I had not heard it in awhile.

"Edward. Oh, Edward, finally," she said with a sigh. I could hear the subtle excitement raging in her voice. She didn't sound anything like the Rosalie I'd left behind.

"Why are you calling?" I asked in an unanimated voice.

"Nice to hear from you too, Edward," Rosalie said menacingly. I could almost hear her eyes roll. "I just thought you might want to hear what's happened." She spoke nervously now, like she was unsure how to continue, or if she should.

A million different possibilities ran through my head. When I answered, my voice was low and flat. "What is it?"

"Alice, she… saw something," she hesitated.

"Rosalie."

"Edward, it's… it's Bella," she answered reluctantly.

My body froze. Her name being said aloud set the hole ablaze in my chest. A whisper was all I could muster.

"What is it?" I breathed. My eyes were huge with fright. Rosalie didn't answer.

"Damn it, Rosalie! What happened?!" I cried, and the echo billowed through the narrow street. A moment passed as Rosalie decided.

"She… jumped off a cliff two days ago. She's dead, Edward. Bella's dead," Rosalie said quietly.

I hung up on Rosalie with numb fingers. My eyes felt dry as they tried to produce impossible tears. Somehow my fingers dialed Bella's home number. I held the phone to my ear, not breathing.

"Swan residence," a husky voice answered. It sounded nothing like Charlie.

"Is Charlie there? This is Dr. Carlisle Cullen," I asked in a shaky whisper.

"He's not here," the words were hard and cold.

"Where is he?" I asked, for once my hands shook with fright.

"He's at the funeral," the voice said unwillingly.

I felt the phone drop out of my hand.

My mouth hung open. My vision quit. My midnight had returned and my sun had exploded and fallen over the horizon. Everything good and right and clear in the world was now shredded to pieces, burnt to cinders. My whole existence meant nothing.

Love, life, meaning… over. I was a hollow shell.

A shell that needed to be destroyed.

I threw the phone into a trashcan and walked slowly to the corner of the cobbled street. I leaned against a brick building and my eyes glazed over. A new vision invaded my focus.

A young girl with dark, flowing hair. Her usual pale skin now blue with lack of oxygen. Her fingers and toes and full lips were purple. She lay there, her wet hair wild around her face. Her clothes were soaked, clinging to her frail figure.

Lifeless.

I felt my knees slam into the cobbled street. I was on all fours, gasping hugely for air. I tried frantically to inhale her scent, breathing deep, waiting for the burn. Wanting it. It didn't come.

I cried in frenzied panic. Where was I? Who was I? The confusion angered me. I lifted my fist as far back as I could and slammed it into the ground. My arm went through the stone, into the earth underneath. The sharp crack echoed through the small street. I pulled at my knotted hair, wishing somehow I could not live. Frustration and grief saturated my body. I lay on the ground now, broken.

The world was meaningless. Everything was meaningless. My existence was meaningless because she was gone. And then a small voice said finally. I automatically let a growl ripple through me, revolted with myself. No, not that she's dead. it continued. Because now you can be, too. Now the voice was smug, knowing it was right.

Yes. Now I could be, too.

And as soon as possibilities started flowing through my head, another part of my brain had already found the answer.

The Volturi.