WARNING FOR THE LONGEST AUTHOR'S NOTE EVER! Read it anyway please. It would make me happy to know I'm not just talking to myself...

A/N! Oh Lordie. I'm ashamed to look at the date of the last post and my accompanying promises of "be back in a weekend." Which is of course bastard writer speak for a month... :-( Unfortunately for you all I had a very stressful test to prepare for... which of course meant I've spent my time discovering the tv show Merlin and subsequently, and far more enjoyably, Arthur/Merlin smut. Time well spent. But then I had to cram for aforementioned test.... blah blah blah. I'm sure you're all very interested in this. BUT fortunately for you I learned I passed this morning and decided to make good on my promise that if i passed I would update this thang. so yay!

This chapter isn't going to be terribly enjoyable I'm afraid. Another reason why it was such a pain to write. I hate writing Non-Consensual violent sex and I hate writing long boring inner thought monologues. Both of which co-star in this chapter. But it was needed and I'll make it up to you with some fluff and humor in the very soon to follow next chapter. hurrah!

One more note before we get started: HUGE thank you's to my reviewers. I got some really lovely one's during this break. I of course plan on responding personally to you all as soon as the next chapter is up!

Warnings: Violence, horrible NON-CONSENSUAL SEX!, Angst, run on sentences and atrociously long thought monologues you'll probably end up skimming anyway which is fine but at least when someone complains 'but wait why did so and so do this', or 'what does he really think here', I'll be able to point to disgustingly long monologues and say "Read Fool! All is explained." so yeah.

Disclaimer: Definitely don't own. Don't even want this chapter honestly....

Chapter 7: Hot and Cold

There are addictions to feed and there are mouths to pay

So you bargain with the Devil, say you're OK for today,

You say that you love them, take their money and run

Say it's been swell, sweetheart, but it was just one of those things

Those flings, those strings you've got to cut,

So get out on the streets, girls, and bust you butts.

Who will save you soul when it comes to the flower

Who will save you soul after all the lies that you told, boy.

Who will save your soul if you won't save you own?

-Who Will Save Your Soul.

It wasn't the way life was supposed to happen. No one expects fate to be so cruel.

Remus Lupin always assumed that when one starts out at the very bottom the only direction is up. It hurt to be wrong.

In the early days, every night just before he succumbed to sleep, his body broken, bruised, bloody and abused, Remus allowed himself a moment of childish hope. Maybe, when he woke up this time things would be just a tiny bit better. For the past few years however even this simple wish seemed too much to ask for. Now all Remus wished for in the seconds before sleep was to never wake up. He didn't know which was more unrealistic.

Of course morning would come and his eyes would open, having survived to see another day. Another horrible day. In that moment when he realized he was awake and alive he would think 'this, nothing hurts more than waking up to this.' God, it hurt to be wrong.

Remus awoke hot.

He slowly drifted to consciousness, becoming aware of his surroundings step by step. The first thing he noticed was that he was warm inside and out. The next was that the constant tension in his belly he had grown accustomed to was gone. In fact, Remus noted with a frown, he felt unusually relaxed everywhere. That was when the observations started storming into his fuzzy morning brain, overlapping in their eagerness to be heard. All of them centered around Sirius Black.

Sirius had asked Remus to come home with him. He had.

Sirius had asked Remus to stay here with him. He had.

Sirius had asked Remus to fuck him. He had.

Remus had fallen asleep in Sirius's arms. Remus had kissed Sirius. Remus had spent the entire night with Sirius. Remus had kissed Sirius. Kissed Sirius…

Remus had promised himself he would not fall for Sirius Black. He had.

Shit, it hurt.

**************

Remus slipped out of bed, extracting himself from Sirius's warm hold, quickly located his clothes and got dressed. On the floor under the unused sweatpants t-shirt Sirius had brought him last night he found an envelope. Peeking inside Remus noted a large stack of cash inside. He stuffed the envelope in his pocket without bothering to count it. It was all too much. He needed to get out of here. He needed to breathe.

Last night at the party Remus had felt blissfully content. Standing at Sirius's side exchanging snipes while the man's arm was wrapped tightly around his waist he felt right and happy. Sirius was handsome, funny, kind and most of all treated Remus with a respect he'd never received before. It was intoxicating and magical and dangerous all at the same time. When Sirius asked him to come home with him he knew it was because Sirius was just trying to do the right thing because that's the kind of guy Sirius is and nothing else. Remus understood his place in life. Romance isn't real and fairy tales aren't true, he knew better than to hope Sirius would lov… like him the way he found himself… liking Sirius. Remus crept downstairs and let himself out of the house. He drew in a lungful of brisk morning air. It did little to clear his head.

Remus had agreed to go home with Sirius because he didn't want to part from the charismatic man. Not yet. Sirius had shaken his stony cynicism to the ground and he felt lost without him.

Remus had seduced him because he wanted that control back. Wanted to make this about something familiar and manageable. Purchased sex he could do. Love? No. That sort of thing was reserved for the rich, the unsullied, the good. No one loves a whore. That's the rule. Mr. Gray had told him so and he knew it was true.

Remus let himself into the unlocked warehouse where he slept with the other boys. He was so caught up in his own depressing thoughts that he didn't notice Mr. Gray was there until he hit the floor and felt more than heard a ringing in his head.

"Where the fuck have you been bitch?" Snarled Gray. "I've had more than enough of you taking off and showing up whenever you please." He emphasized this with a swift kick to Remus's ribs who grunted and rolled to cover his head.

"You think that just because some rich fool thinks you've got a pretty arse you walk on water around here eh?" Gray crouched down next to Remus on the floor and pinched his behind viciously.

"Well? Where's my money slut? Or did you think your royal self above that as well?"

Remus cautiously reached towards his pocket keeping both eyes on Mr. Gray's cruel and greedy face. The moment the corner of the stiff white envelope appeared Gray ripped it away and pulled out the money counting it swiftly.

When he finished Gray looked at Remus with cold calculating eyes.

"Well isn't this nice." He said tapping the stack of money against his cheek. "My cub must have fucked really, really good cause he's brought daddy a very pretty bonus indeed."

Remus felt his stomach drop. Shit, there was 1000 pounds in there, 500 more than he'd told Mr. Gray he'd be getting.

"Siri… Black offered to double the price if I stayed the night." He said quickly.

Gray nodded his head thoughtfully, "So my little cub brought me 1000 pounds? Is that right?"

Remus nodded his head vigorously. "Yes 1000 pounds. Just for you, all for you Sir."

"1000 pounds all for me. Aren't you the sweetest thing." Mr. Gray smiled nastily and tapped Remus's head with the stack of cash.

Remus swallowed nervously. "Yes sir,"

"1000 for me… and 1000 for you. Is that the way it is my pretty little whore?"

"Sir?" Remus asked nervously.

"I said 1000 pounds for me and 1000 pounds for you is that the way it is. My. Pretty. Little. WHORE!" Gray was snarling now all pretense dropping away.

"I… I don't understand.."

"Don't play dumb with me you little fuck. You may be able to trick the fools who fuck you but not me. I know you're a piece of shit and street trash and a worthless bitch but there's one thing you're not Remus Lupin and that is stupid. So DON'T play DUMB with ME!" He slapped Remus harshly three times, emphasizing his words.

Remus shut his eyes tightly against the pain.

"Or maybe you are stupid." Gray continued. "I guess you may very well be if you thought you could hide 2000 fucking pounds from me."

"I…I didn't know…"

"I… I… I… " Gray mocked mercilessly, "You're pathetic" He spat and stood up dragging Remus to his feet. "500 to 2000. Either you lied to me, intending to keep the money to yourself, or I'm missing something and you truly are special. Which is it? Hmmm cub? Tell Daddy which it is? He won't be mad… much." Gray pulled Remus tighter to him and ground his erection into Remus's back.

Remus whimpered and just concentrated on bracing himself for what was to come. No matter what he said he was ruined.

Gray snarled and tore off Remus's bottoms. Holding the trembling boy up with one brutal arm around his waist Gray unzipped his pants with the other and roughly entered Remus.

Remus couldn't help screaming at the pain. His body convulsing, he retched as Gray thrust in and out of him. Remus tried to leave his body the way he always did and mentally review his dictionary.

A… Ancillary: providing assistance… Attrition: a gradual reduction, weakening or rubbing away… B… Benighted: intellectual darkness…. Boon… Boon. God what was boon? He tried to ignore the sweaty hands pulling his thighs apart, the jagged nails scratching at his scar riddled skin, the sour breath panting wetly behind his ear. Boon…. Boon… Remus's mind was a blank and the burning pain and Gray's thick growls filled his head. He felt like he was suffocating. Boon… boon… please…

Suddenly he thought of Sirius. Beautiful, wonderful Sirius. Sirius laughing, Sirius looking vulnerable and sweetly out of place at the Hog's, Sirius climaxing screaming his name, Sirius sleeping with his mouth open a little drool slipping from his lips, Sirius holding him in his arms lovingly, yes lovingly. Sirius kissing him. Remus smiled. Kissing. He had kissed Sirius, given him his first and it was wonderful. He was wonderful and Remus knew he loved that man. Really truly loved him.

"Sirius…" he breathed, his eyes closed, picturing the gorgeous man was holding him gently.

"What did you say…?" Gray snarled above him. How dare he…

He furiously fucked the whore.

When he had finished Gray let Remus drop to the ground and laughed.

"As I suspected, There's nothing special about you at all." Then he beat the boy some more until he got hungry and left him in a motionless pool of blood and vomit.

Sirius awoke cold.

A draft was raising goose bumps up his right side. He shook the sleep out of his eyes and looked groggily around the room for Remus. The young man was gone.

"Shit." Sirius sighed and fell back into the pillows tugging the blankets snugly around him. But the sheets did nothing to the cold emptiness within him.

Remus was gone. Left without saying goodbye. And why shouldn't he, Sirius thought bitterly, it's not like any of this meant anything to him except good money.

Sirius rolled to his side and curled into a fetal position clutching the pillow Remus had slept on, Remus's pillow, to his chest.

God he wanted the other man. Wanted him here and now. To hold and to be held, to kiss and to be kissed, to live with to laugh with to love…

Sirius buried his face into Remus's pillow and took a deep breath inhaling the delicious scent of the other man still lingering in the linen.

Rain, smoke and peppermint, now with a slight overtone of sex. His chest ached and he gripped the pillow tighter.

Sirius smiled sadly. He was a fool but god damnit he needed Remus. Needed him in a way he'd never needed anyone before. Sirius loved him in a way that was shocking and new, frightening and all consuming. And although it filled him with sorrow, his love was not lessened by the fact that it was not returned. He was quite accustomed to not being loved. There had been none of that fruity emotion given to him by his parents.

And even in his healthiest relationships with men the caring had been largely one sided. It's hard to be lucky in love when you're infamously well off.

God knows he loved James to death like a brother and he thought that James loved him... just not as much. No, James had other people in his life to love as well. He couldn't give it all to his best friend. Sirius didn't resent him for it. Envy yes, but resent no.

Sirius could offer Remus a better life. A good life. The young man would never want for anything, never have to be touched against his will, never be hurt again. Sirius would make sure of it. And as long as Remus was happy Sirius could be happy because he loved him.

Sirius threw the covers off and carefully placed Remus's pillow back in its spot.

He would find Remus and offer him a better life whatever that may be to him. Sirius would give it gladly. He quickly showered and got dressed in his most impressive suit before setting out to where he first met Remus Lupin.

Bit of a cliffie. But fear not faithful readers! The next chapter is almost done and should be up tomorrow for sure.