Chapter Five
Tommy won the fight. I caught up to him soon after he took off, tripped on yet another pile of dead branches, and fell. This was not just any fall, I nose dived, rolled and made noises I never thought could come out of me. All while Tommy stood next to the car laughing. He freaking laughed at me as I rolled around like some kind of a beached seal! I was so embarrassed and injured. Tommy doesn't know the last part though, I have to have some pride and dignity intact. When his laughing did subside he slowly walked over to where I lay spread out in pain in the snow---face down---twigs stabbing into my jacket---(get the picture?) and offered to help me up.
"No you ass-hole, you can shove that hand down your pants and pleasure yourself before I let you help me."
I am very well known for not being the better person and accepting when I may need some help. Tommy agreed. He walked away, jumped inside the drivers seat and waited until I eventually hobbled over to join him. Join him where, I'll have to ask later when I figure it out.
Around Midnight….
Where are we? How much longer until I see any signs of life around here?
Oh-oh-oh wait was that…no, another dead tree branch.
Two hours. Two hours I've had to endure tired and grumpy Tommy. This could be considered hell in most religions. "Stupid female driver," turned into, "Immature jealous child," shortly after he found a way to back my Mustang away from the tree that nearly killed us.
Did I not pray to God earlier telling him I would go to church? Why must I be punished in such a way? I'd start crying right now but Tommy would find some way to warp that into me being a jealous child again.
Um, a jealous child who has to go potty.
"Tom?" I asked cautiously. Biting down into my bottom lip.
"Yeah?" Hey, he sounds normal again. Maybe me being silent for an hour was enough time for him to cool off.
"I-I um," Tommy turned his head to look at me. "I have to use the restroom."
"You're joking right?"
Yeah. Dude you've been punked! This is where I magically turn into Ashton Kutcher and laugh in your face while you try to play off your teary eyes with a sudden case of allergies.
Shaking my head I smiled sweetly as he returned his gaze to the road. "No, I really have to go."
"Hold it."
"Hold it? Tommy I can't hold it." Ugh! Yeah I'll just clamp it off and tell it to come back at a more convenient time. "I'm sorry pee I'll have to reschedule your sudden appointment. Let me look in my piss planner to see when you can stop by again."
Tommy scowled. If I was in a better place I'd stop to take in how his eyes squint when he gets frustrated. How his lips pout. Uh yeah, if I was not currently occupied with thoughts of having an accident in my pants.
"What am I supposed to do Jude?"
"I don't know. Pull a bathroom out your ass?" I'm guessing humor is a no-no. Sorry baby, but I have to go. Find me a potty, now!
"I thought I saw something a while ago advertising a town or whatever somewhere around here."
"A town?" My eyes lit up with happiness. Yay! I've never in my life been more excited at the thought of exposing myself to a place full of people.
I hate to admit I was scared we were so lost we would die out here.
Five minutes later….
Hold it hold it hold it. Oh man I have to go so bad!
Why is it right now I feel the urge to quote one of the sluts from the Stripper Trio? Oh my gaw! I soooo have to take a tinkle. Like that hot coco just went straight through me, now I so like have to tinkle winkle.
Wait, isn't Tinkle Winkle one of the Teletubbies?
Whatever I don't care about any stupid giant freaky looking purple creature at the moment. I have bigger issues. Tommy drove on in silence as my legs began bouncing up and down in hopes of somehow holding it in. Grabbing hold of the car seat I began to pray again. -By the time this trip is over I'll be a born again believer-
Tinkle. Badly. Oh man. Pressing my knees together I bit down hard on my bottom lip.
"Tommmmmy," I cried in pure agony. Pressing my legs as tightly together I could get. "I have to go really bad."
"Did you not see that sign back there Jude? It said a mile up there was a café," Reaching over he squeezed my hand reassuringly, "We'll be there soon. Just hold it in."
"Stop. Saying. That," I bit out between clinched teeth.
Is it so hard for men to understand the deep pain and horror females have to endure just to use the restroom in public? How tough it is to pinch off pee from leaking. Not like we can empty piss into a cup while driving, like some species can.
Tommy smirked as his hand once again squeezed mine, "Do you know how insanely cute you look right now?"
Cute? Go to hell Tommy.
"Cute? You have got to be kidding me," Moodily I hissed into the moonlit filled car, "Cute is a puppy with freaking pink bows on their ears. Not this," Pointing a finger down towards my shaking lower half I felt as if I were seconds away from a complete meltdown.
2 minutes later…
One hundred twenty five bottles of beer on the wall!
One hundred twenty six bottles of beer on the wall, one hundred twenty six bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around, one hundred twenty seven bottles of beer on the wall.
I cannot take this much longer. With every passing second I feel as if I am going to burst. The last time I felt this bad was when I farted on a Fifth grade field trip and tried to play it off as being Jamie's. Yeah that experience didn't go so well. I ended up with the nickname, "Farty Pants Harrison."
One hundred twenty seven bottles of beer on the wall, one hundred twenty seven bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around, one hundred twenty eight bottles of beer on the wall.
"I'm going to have to make yellow snow," I announced after the beer bottle song reached a record soaring for me. I have never managed to get that high in singing it. This is the one record I wished never to break. Who can honestly get to ninety-nine? I usually got to eighty before I realize I am bored out of my mind and a complete loser for not having something to do for those wasted minutes. "I never thought I would have to do this but there is just no way I can go on living like this without jumping out of the car---while it is still moving, just to end my suffering."
Dramatic enough? Tommy must not think so judging by the smirk on his face. If I could move without my bladder emptying itself all over my legs I would slap that silly look off your face.
"Jude!" Tommy spoke excitedly as he pressed the break pedal a little too rough, "Look! I see the café around the corner."
Ignoring the brief scare from his harsh breaking I looked out the window to see in bright blinking letters my dream come true. Duke's. Maybe there is a God after all! I'll kiss the bathroom floor--- I'll blow a kiss at the bathroom floor--- as soon as I finish relieving myself. Man I can taste the blissful feeling already. I have never in my life been so excited to take a piss, EVER.
One agonizing minute later…
"Just park the Goddamn car already!" Yelling at Tommy I gripped the door handle waiting in complete impatience for the Mustang to come to a stop before I made a run for it.
Tommy turned into the nearly empty parking lot of an okay looking restaurant. Only a few cars filled the snow and dirt covered parking lot. Those cars had to be ten or more years old, all white and similarly shaped to the old geezers car, you know the one who thought he owned the whole highway? Yeah that old bag of lard.
Thirty seconds later…
The end is near, the end is near. The car just stopped and I'm currently pushing open the car door. Only problem is, "How the hell do I stand up without tinkling all over myself?" Crap! I have got to stop blurting shit like that out.
Tommy turned to stare at me. His expression full of amusement, "Need me to carry you?"
"What a gentlemanly perverted thing to say."
"Perverted? How the hell was that perverted?" Tommy asked. His voice rising slightly.
Dragging in a calming breath I tilted my head to the side so I could see him better, "The last time you carried me you somehow managed to grab a good hold of my ass. Who's to say you wont try it again?"
His eyebrows rose in a perfectly mischievous Tommy way, "That was an accident."
Oh really? Then why the hell do you look like a little boy who was just handed the biggest cookie he's ever laid eyes on? Huh?
"Oh an accident, eh? Then all the times you sneak peaks at my boobs when you think I'm not looking must be accidents as well."
"But of course pumpkin," Tommy replied with a grin.
Pushing the door all the way open I quickly swung my legs out of the car. Okay. Either jump out of the car and hope I don't have an accident, or slowly stand and hope I don't have an accident. I'll go for plan B, just to be sure.
Once my feet were firmly resting against the snowy dirt I slowly pushed my body out of the car. The air hitting my face, cooling down the stress that had and is still building from the extreme amount of pressure I'm under.
Forty five seconds later…
The bell on the café door chimed as me and Tommy slowly made our way into the small homey eatery. Tommy draped his arm across my shoulders as we stood in the entrance taking in the scene in front of us.
"I feel like I just stepped into an episode of the X-Files," Tommy whispered into my ear.
You can say so. Ever have a feeling you're being watched, or when you're being stared at by a creepy old man, that eerie feeling that slowly takes hold of your innards? Multiply that by at least twenty psychos and you will know what I'm looking at.
The café itself was really cute. Old fashioned looking. Posters of musicians famous in the fifties and sixties were framed and hanging on the walls. Either side of the place had two rows of small tables, each with four faded red seat covered chairs. Towards the back a huge bay like window took up almost the entire wall, covered with thick wood blinds turned enough where the guests could see the snow covered hills in the distance. Along the other wall housed the cashier and bar like setup. Old open backed bar stools stood, making it easy on whomever was in a need of a quick cup of coffee or a fast warm breakfast.
Coffee. Liquid. Now I remember why I'm here. I have to pee.
Yet I can't move, all the patrons sitting in the booths and tables were eyeing me and Tommy like we were about to whip out guns and start shooting them. Awkward is an understatement.
"Hi folks, what can we do for you?" A burly man asked from behind us.
Tommy's arm tightened around me after I jumped slightly in mild fear. Who sneaks up on people like that?
"We were wondering if you had a restroom here?" Tommy cautiously asked.
The man furrowed his bushy eyebrows in confusion. Restroom is a place where people go when their bodies have completed digesting and now the intestines are ready to rid the body of all that is not healthy. The place where you sit or in my case hover above a bowl thousands of asses have sat on before praying that you don't miss and end up with piss in your shoes.
"Yes we do," Strange big man answered after several uncomfortable seconds passed. He was really tall, over six foot, long uncontrolled brown and graying hair pulled back into a frizzy braid. His shirt had sweat stains under the armpits and around the collar, his pants were most likely purchased in the seventies. I can't tell when the last time he may have used deodorant was--- all kidding aside, he has b/o.--- something crumbly is trapped in his long caveman type beard.
Tommy glanced down at me, he must have noticed the thing stuck in the mans beard too because he coughed a couple times to hide the chuckle waiting to burst forth.
"Stop it," I hissed quietly. Hoping Tommy was the only on to hear me.
Hairy dude eyed me up and down slowly. Feeling the sudden urge to gag I pressed closer into Tommy, needing his comfort, as well as a bathroom. Crusty beard man needs to point me in the direction of the potties.
"We only allow paying customers to use the facilities in this place."
WHAT?! Oh man this is not happening.
My legs were shaking slightly from my miserable situation, as well as from fear of the man standing in front of us. I can picture him smashing coke cans with his forehead. He seems the type of animal who chases his daughters boyfriends down the street while shooting at them with a rifle. The kind of beast who wants to eat pretty rockstar and her hot boy-bander companion.
"We're just passing through, no time to stay and eat," Tommy began, his eyes never leaving the jolly giants, "She really needs to use a restroom. So could you maybe bend the rules a little so she can go?"
"Not once since my Papa opened this place have we ever disobeyed his rules."
Crap! Okay so now I have to eat something first. That's not going to happen.
"Can we maybe just pay you like we were going to eat. So then I could go?" I asked. Trying to milk my beauty for what it was worth. I saw lumberjack staring at me in appreciation just a second ago so maybe I can flirt my way to the bathroom. "Tip and all," I said smiling sweetly at him.
"Well---,"
"Well" means he's thinking about it! Yes! Okay so now what? I could push the girls up and show some cleavage. No that wont work, I'm not wearing a low cut top and with Tommy standing right here he would kill me, then big foot for staring at my only ample-when-I wear-push up-bra- bosom.
"Please?" I offered hopefully. I really have to go so badly I'm almost willing to do anything at this point. I'd go with a stripper show but my legs are doing enough fancy dancing for one night. It is called the potty-wotty dance. Dad says I have a trademark in need of restroom dance. I tap my right foot four times before shifting feet and taping the left one six. Giving the impression of a lame robot.
"I can't bend the rules. We've been running an honest business for fifty years now."
We just offered him money for crying out loud. Who in their right mind refuses to accept free money to let someone use a bathroom?
Tommy cursed under his breath. An angry habit of his. Give him five more seconds before he spits something cruel. Tilting my head up I met Tommy's gaze. "Do something," I mouthed pleadingly. He nodded, squeezing my shoulders
"I understand you run an honest business and that you respect the rules and crap but right now we are asking for a favor," Tommy's voice smooth to the ears yet rough around the edges. Just the way I like it. "My girl here needs to use your restroom. So I'm willing to pay for two meals we both don't want just so you can keep your rules intact and she can be happy."
Ape-man ran his plump finger through his nappy beard in thought. If he wasn't so scary at first glance I could think of him as being friendly. In a beauty and the beast sort of way. Or him being the teddy bear all the kids never wanted to play with, yet he was still considered soft and cute in some cultures.
"I just can't allow that to happen."
"Why the hell not? It's just a bathroom. At least show some kind of Christmas spirit and let her use the bathroom, I'll pay for four dinners if I have to!" Tommy dropped his hand from around my shoulder and flared it into the air as he angrily began to lose his temper.
All for me! Aww!
"Young man, we here in this town respect our rules and our traditions, if you want to come in here and take on this attitude I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
Not cool. I need to pee and now Tommy is arguing over a damn bathroom. How the hell did this happen? How does this happen in general? Who finds themselves in this kind of a situation?
Tommy stepped forward, he did his best to speak eye to eye with hairy man but he fell three inches too short. I watched in painful admiration as Tommy raised his index finger and poked the man on his large man boob. "You listen to me! My girl here is going to use the bathroom, then I'm going to give you fifty dollars for your generosity. Got it?" Nodding before any response could be given to him Tommy spared a quick look to me before his attention was returned to the fellow with the sweat stains, "Good."
Two minutes later….
"RUN!" Tommy yelled frantically as he tugged on my arm in hopes of getting my feet to move faster.
"Tommy stop I can't do this I'm about to explode here," I gasped out trying to catch my breath.
I wish never to think about what just happened back in the café. One second I was watching Tommy tell the hairy giant off, the next I was being pulled back by an equally scary female customer as she tried to get to Tommy. All horrors aside me and Tommy were able to escape out a back door through the kitchen while half the customers chased after us. Lesson here. NEVER disrespect a small town folk.
"I cannot believe that just happened," Pressing my hands against my stomach trying to regain normal breathing. "How. Did. That. Happen?" Staring over at as he wiped his forehead with the back of his hand.
"This kind of shit only happens in movies."
"Getting manhandled by a forest creature and butch. Who chase people out of a crappy café because those said people need to use the restroom?"
Seriously who does that? We offered to pay. Enough money for four meals all of which wouldn't be eaten, all of that for one girl to use the restroom. I thought the holidays brought out love and kindness, not mean animalistic way of holding on to some shitty respect.
"We need to get out of here."
Oh no. I have to pee first buddy.
"Tommy I have to pee. I guess I'll be going out here," A shudder mixed with chills ran up my spine, then back down. One of my nightmares is about to come true. Find me some leaves because I'm about to make some yellow snow. Why me? Tommy's eyes flashed with horror. Not like I really want to pee outside… where else am I suppose to release my shaking bladder?
"Jude I can go back and demand they let you use their restroom."
Aww, my hero!
"As sweet as that is, I can't hold it any longer. I suggest you walk away so I can get this over with."
"You are seriously going to pee out here?"
Any other suggestions? By the time we made it back inside the café my pants would be wet, and I'm not about to face down Godzilla and the pack of wolves he was feeding in that psycho joint.
Thirty seconds later…
The stench of old moldy foot mixed with God knows what else is horrid. I had taken a few steps down the alley we ran down realizing we were still of the café's property. Shrugging inwardly I eyed the big dumpster in front of me with apprehension and revulsion. So this bad boy was going to hide me while I did my thing? I'd laugh if I was not currently gagging over the smell of armpits and old bread.
"Stand over there," Pointing my hand in the direction of the café I spoke in a mixture of pain and humiliation. "Look out for anyone---a-and no peeking."
"How fair is that?" Tommy whined.
"No peeking! Now go over there."
Tommy's head slumped in defeat as he slowly turned his back and began to walk away.
Sorry bud no kinky business tonight.
When Tommy was a good enough distance away I knew it was time to end my night of potty dancing. With a tilt of my head I eyed my makeshift bathroom. A dumpster and a pile of snow.
Forty-five seconds later…
Gee willy nutcrackers its freezing out here! I tried to hover over the snow, using the dumpster to steady my balance but it wasn't working well, my pants were getting wet from the snow, so I did the only thing I could. I took off my pants and underwear. Draping them over the lid of a near by trash bin… now I can use the snow as a pretend toilet. If I remember right in some European countries they have toilets that spray water on your tooshie once you have completed whatever number you were just doing. This way I automatically get a good wipe. I refuse to use anything that has touched this alley-way and being a sister of Sadie I would die before I walked away without wiping, that is disgusting and dangerous. I really do not intend on spending the rest of my trip battling a rash.
Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say, On a bright Hawaiian Christmas Day, That's the island greeting that we send to you. From the land where palm trees sway, Here we know that Christmas will be green and bright, The sun to shine by day and all the stars at night, Mele Kalikimaka is Hawaii's way. To say "Merry Christmas to you.
Palm trees, green grass, warm weather, sun on my face, ah, I can picture myself there right now. Lying on the beach completely covered (because I burn rather easily) listening as the ukulele strums my favorite Christmas songs. Smiling slightly as my fantasy made my peeing experience a little better I slowly began to sing the song aloud, picturing myself and Tommy wearing matching Hawaiian print button up shirts.
"Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say, On a bright Hawaiian Christmas Day---."
"Jude!"
"Mele Kalikimaka is Hawaii's way. To say "Merry Christmas to you."
"Jude!" Tommy's voice quietly broke my reverie.
Ugh leave me alone I'm almost done making yellow snow.
Loud footsteps and faint shouts followed Tommy's calls. What's going on? Leaning forward I peeked around the dumpster just as Tommy came tearing around the corner shouting my name.
"Jude, we have to go, now." He barked as his feet slowed enough for him to stop without crashing into the recycle bins set up nearby.
"What? I'm almost done, wait."
"No Jude. They know you are out here, I think I lost him but he spotted me standing there, He ran back yelling something about going to get his friends."
"Oh shit," Jumping up quickly I tossed all modesty out the window--or in my case dumpster---and made a run for my pants and underwear. Tommy gasped when he realized I was half naked, I think he actually blushed before kindly turning around to give me privacy.
"You little brats! We told you to leave if you weren't going to respect the rules of Papa," Loud angry mob like yells greeted us from the opposite end of the alley. Oh my God, my pants aren't on! What do I do. Covering the front of my private area I slipped behind Tommy using his as a cover.
"What do we do?" I questioned frantic.
"I think he has a gun. So stay behind me," Tommy reached behind him and grabbed hold of my hand. Why do I suddenly feel like I'm in an episode of the Sopranos? A bad deal gone wrong. Now its time to get our heads smashed in with a shovel.
I don't want to die. At least not with my pants off next to a pile of snow I just yellowed.
"On the count of three I'm going to start running towards the end of this street. I want you to go first so they can't see you," Tommy whispered as his eyes remained on the café patrons who were gathering on the other side. All of them cracked their knuckles in preparation for the kill.
"One… two… three!" Tommy counted. Once he said three I backed up a few steps before I took off running down the other side of the alley. Clutching tightly to my clothes. Not caring that everyone was getting a good look at my pale ass. Tommy ran close behind as the wind seemed to pick up speed, blowing our hair in the moonlit dark strange road.
I've never in my life been more scared and more excited at the same time. Running from an angry mob, half naked in the middle of the night was definitely going to be a memory I'll never forget.
"Turn right," Tommy yelled from behind me as we neared the end of the alley. The angry wolves struggled to catch up to us. That's one thing we had on them. We weren't giants, we were small enough to maneuver any road.
My beautiful Mustang appeared up ahead. Parked next to a pickup truck. I don't remember the truck being there when we first arrived. Great another angry customer to chase after us. My boot clad feet picked up speed as my car seemed to get closer and closer. My safe place, our escape was so close.
"Hey baby!" I heard someone yell. That was not Tommy's voice.
Whistles. Man made whistles. Cat calls. And one, "Hot mama," broke into the night around me as I slowed down to reach the car. Passing by the pickup truck I could see at least five teenage boys standing there, all staring down at my naked lower half.
OH MY GOSH!!!!
Tommy must have seen them too because before I could react further my body was lifted into the air and tossed over his shoulder as he ran us to the passenger door.
"Come over here and party with us sexy," One kid yelled at me. I eyed him in disgust as I felt Tommy opening the passenger door.
"Merry Christmas boys!" I grinned over at them. Why not spread some Christmas cheer around here? How many times can those boys say a rockstar flashed them her cha-cha as she was being chased by the entire town because she peed outside near the café's dumpster?
Tommy hands cupped my hips as he slowly lowered me down to my feet. Before I could slip into the car with what dignity I had intact Tommy's hand slipped over my bare bottom and pinched my right cheek.
My head shot up in surprise, he grinned down at me, then turned his head to face the horny boys nearby.
"I'd suggest you shut up or none of you will know what its like to use those family jewels," Feeling satisfied with himself Tommy slammed my door closed.
After all of that I still feel like singing my Hawaiian fantasy. Smirking I quickly slipped back into my undergarments and pants all the while humming my potty tune.
"Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say, On a bright Hawaiian Christmas Day---."