Edward is gone when my alarm goes off at 5:30 the next morning. After I get dressed for my run, I walk to Edward's room. I hear Dad downstairs having breakfast; he knows I'll be down any minute. But first, I want to see Edward.
He's asleep, but rolls over when I touch him.
"At night, they come without being called," I tell him softly. "But by day, they are lost. What are they?"
His eyes close as I kiss his cheek.
"Only this time, it's not exactly true, because you're real."
"Don't go," he says groggily.
"Sleep," I tell him. "I love you."
And while Jamie and I run, I wonder what I'm going to do about Jamie. I'm still attracted to him, but I don't feel the same about him as I do about Edward. And … leading Jamie on isn't fair to any of us.
But I want to get a kiss. Just to compare. Which isn't fair. And is killing my brain.
"You seemed distracted today," Jamie says as we walk to our cars.
My shoulders hunch. Rats. "Sorry."
"No, it's okay. I do my best thinking while I run. Maybe you will, too."
"I guess."
"Bella? Do you want to go see a movie with me on Friday night?"
I'm blindsided by his sudden question. Based on how slowly we'd progressed so far, I hadn't expected this kind of question for another couple of weeks at least.
"Oh."
"I mean, if you don't want to, that's okay, too. I just thought—"
"Jamie, it's fine. I'd love to go with you. It's just that I have to ask my Dad, and I'm not sure he'll say I can. Supposedly, I'm not allowed to date until I turned eighteen."
He flushes. "Oh."
This is so embarrassing. "But he lets us run every morning, so I don't see why he wouldn't let us go see a movie together."
And hopefully Edward won't mind too much.
Fat chance. He's going to mind a lot.
But maybe Dad will say no and save me this trouble.
But Edward will be mad just because I've asked.
But Jamie will get hurt if I don't ask.
Ugh.
. . .
"So I have to tell you something," I say to Edward on the way to school.
"And I'm not going to like it," he surmises correctly.
"No," I sigh.
"And you have to tell me now?"
"Um, no. It can wait til after school."
His hands tighten on the wheel. "No. Tell me now, else it's just going to drive me nuts wondering what it is all day."
I swallow. "Jamie asked me out to the movies this Friday," I say hurriedly in one breath.
Edward gives me a look. "So? Dad will never let you go. And even if he did, I wouldn't."
Just what I thought.
"Do you want to go?" he asks me lowly.
"Depends on the movie," I say illogically.
"This isn't funny, Bella."
"I know. Sorry. It's just that I like Jamie. I don't want to hurt his feelings."
"But you don't mind hurting mine."
"Edward. It's not about that. I will never feel the same way about Jamie that I feel about you, okay? But he's a friend. And friends do things together."
"Not when one friend wants to be more than friends, and the other doesn't." And he gives me sharp, angry look. "Unless you do?"
My face is red. I hate this conversation. "I don't. I don't. But I did … before we had our talk. And Jamie knows that. So it doesn't seem fair to him that suddenly, now I don't. You know?"
Edward glares at me as we stop at a red light. "None of this is fair. You and me loving each other like this isn't fair. Me and those other girls weren't fair. And you and Jamie? Fucking not fair."
"All is fair in love and war," I quote.
Edward squeals the tires as we take off. "You're going to have to tell him you're not interested."
"Eventually, yes."
The pained look on his face matches mine.
"Don't wait too long," he tells me softly. "Please."
We pull in to Jasper's driveway, and I lean over to kiss his cheek. "I won't."
"I hate this," he whispers.
"I'm sorry," I whisper back.
We're still trading looks of anguish when Jasper climbs in.
"Hey. You two okay?" he asks.
Not really. "We're just fine," I say.
. . .
We're at lunch when I notice Jasper keeps glancing behind me, but when I turn to see what it is, I don't see anything unusual.
"What?" I say to him.
He shrugs. He's blushing! When I giggle, he has Sprock cover his face.
"Tell me. What is it?"
Sighing, he says, "There's some girl who likes me. She's in our history class? She won't stop staring at me."
I turn around again, and sure enough, I see a girl drop her eyes to the tray in front of her when she sees me looking.
"Who is she?"
"Um, Paula something."
I start singing. "Jasper and Paula, sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes—"
"Shut it," Sprock tells me. "You're killing Jasper."
So sweet, Jasper has his first admirer. I'm so proud.
"What about Alice?"
He blushes again and has Sprock answer. "Alice is never going to notice him."
I touch his socked hand in sympathy.
. . .
Dad isn't thrilled with the idea of me going to see a movie with Jamie, but I know I have some leeway because he let Edward take Jessica out at a younger age.
"I want you home no later than fifteen minutes after that movie ends," he says.
"What if there's a traffic accident?"
"That's what phones are for," he tells me.
"There'd better not be any traffic accident," Edward says.
Dad exchanges a look with Edward. They're a team and right now, they want to crush Team Jamie.
"We'll be waiting," Dad says ominously.
Great.
. . .
Jamie holds my hand as we walk up to the theater, then puts his hand on my lower back when we go through the doors. He's a gentleman, doing all the things for me that Edward once did for Jessica. Only Jamie doesn't have an ulterior motive.
Well, maybe he does, but it's not likely one that is meant to humiliate me.
We're watching a romantic comedy, something that I just know is not his thing. I can tell by the way he keeps shifting in his seat. Forty-five minutes into it, I take pity on him.
"Let's go get some ice cream or something," I whisper to him, and he grins at me in relief.
We share a banana sundae at a small mom-and-pop shop not too far from where I live.
"We have about 35 minutes," I tell him.
"He wasn't kidding then, was he?"
"Nope. If I'm not home by nine o'clock, heads are going to roll. Yours and mine," I tell him.
He shovels a spoonful of chocolate-covered ice cream into his mouth. "Got it," he mumbles.
I like seeing him this relaxed. He's usually quite reserved.
"So who besides Vickie have you dated before?" I ask.
He runs a hand through his pretty hair. "No one. I don't really have time. My school work and running take precedence."
I nod. He is reserved. "I bet your parents are proud of you."
He shrugs. "Mom is, but Dad wishes I played football instead. He got into college on a scholarship playing ball, and he was hoping I would, too."
"You'll get a track scholarship," I tell him.
"Maybe."
"No maybes. You will. Coach says you're ranked second in the whole state."
He blushes and stares down at his placemat. "That can always change, though."
"What? You drop to third? Jump to first?"
"Bella," he smiles.
"You're good. Own it," I tell him.
As we're leaving, he pauses before opening the passenger car door.
"Do you mind if I kiss you?"
My heart starts pounding in fear and excitement. "No," I breathe.
"It's just that I don't want to do it in front of your house," he says. "I know your Dad will be watching. Probably your brother, too."
"They would. Sorry," I admit.
He shrugs, grins and leans forward to cup my face in his hands. Slowly, we come together. His touch is tentative at first, then soft and searching. His way of kissing is directly opposite from that of Edward's. James wants me to lead, whereas Edward likes to lead when we kiss.
And I shouldn't be thinking of Edward right now.
Someone honks their horn and yells at us. "Get a room."
Jamie glares at the car with the yeller, then huffs out a laugh. And then we're laughing together, relieved that the first kiss is out of the way. The ice has been broken, so to speak.
But I can't help thinking about how the ice had been melted clean away with Edward's first kiss.
. . .
Later that night, I'm awakened when Edward climbs into my bed. He doesn't waste any time in covering my mouth with his, in covering my body with his. Grasping my hands, he moves them above my head and holds them there. With each hard kiss that claims me, he raises my hands and pins them to the bed again.
Somehow he knows Jamie kissed me, even though I'd been careful to conceal it.
"You're mine," he says and bites my bottom lip.
His mouth is warm and wet and insistent against mine. He's soft and backing up, making me go after his mouth, then he's hard against me again, almost angry and demanding. He moves one of his hands to my mouth, holding it open with one of his thumbs, and I taste it with my tongue. I bite it, suck on it, suck on his tongue. I want to devour him.
"Yours," I say against his mouth.
When he starts moving against me, I tense. I think my body is ready for the next step, but my mind, my brain, is not. Thankfully, he senses that and backs up.
"I'm sorry," he gasps. He moves to my side, re-arranges things down there.
"Does it hurt?" I ask.
"Not the way you're thinking," he says.
"What way, then?"
He groans a little. "It's a burning ache. A pressure. It'll go away."
A burning ache? A pressure? Sounds like it hurts to me.
"I'm sorry," I say.
"Don't be. It's okay, Bella. I won't do anything you don't want me to do."
I close my eyes tight. I don't want to know, but I have to. "Have you? Ever?"
When he doesn't answer at first, a sharp, stinging pain arches through my body, and I roll violently away from him. I didn't mind the kissing so much, but that? That hurts.
His arms encircle me from behind and pull me tight, tight against him.
"Just once," he whispers.
A broken sob escapes my throat. Just once? Once is all it takes to break my heart. Why does just once matter to him?
"Bella, please. It didn't mean anything. She didn't mean anything. Do you want to know who it was?"
I know who it was. He doesn't have to tell me, because I know how thorough he always is.
"You broke both of our hearts then," I say. "I hate you right now."
I swore I'd never say that to him again, but right now, I'm filled with so much hurt and anger and … jealousy. And I can't stop the tears from falling.
How could he?
Why did he have to be so mean?
"Don't hate me," he says and forces me onto my back. "Don't you dare."
I turn my face away when he tries to kiss me, but his fingers pull me back and we're kissing again, crying, too. He's crying with me.
"I'm sorry," he says brokenly over and over.
I have horrible dreams that night. He's there holding me every time I wake, but my heart is still broken. It's going to take a while to heal.
. . .
"You look horrible," Jasper tells me in first period. "So did Edward. What's going on?"
I shake my head at him, but remain silent. I don't want to talk. I don't want to even breathe, so I bury my head in my arms.
"That bad, huh?"
Worse. Planes are crashing down, an earthquake is swallowing up all the buildings, and a tsunami is coming. It feels like the end of the world.
"Here."
I lift my head up. It's awful bright. In front of me is Sprock.
"Put him on and tell him all about it," Jasper says.
I gurgle out a laugh. I wish I could.
"Can I take him home?"
I laugh at the look of horror on his face.
"Just kidding."
He snatches Sprock off my desk. "Get your own sock, woman."
I smile at him, my short, blue-eyed unlikely friend. Rose has been pre-occupied with Emmett ever since school started, and Alice is being really moody lately, so I'm closest to Jasper right now.
And to Sprock.
Maybe I should get my own sock. I'll call her Suzie Effen Q. Or maybe Lolo.
. . .
Dinner is a morose affair of baked salmon, steamed asparagus and silence. Dad and Edward don't like the fish, but I had a horrible day, so I wasn't about to make hamburgers. Besides, it's good for them.
"How was school?" Dad asks as he cuts his salmon into tiny bitable pieces.
"Scintillating as always," I mumble.
"What?"
"It was okay," Edward mumbles.
Dad looks at us with the same look of distaste he just gave the fish. "What? You two are fighting again?"
"No, I just didn't sleep very well last night," I say with a tiny glare at Edward. "In fact, I think I'll go to bed right after dinner."
"Don't have any homework?" he asks.
"Did it already."
"How about you?" he asks Edward.
Edward snaps his gaze from me to Dad. "I'm going to bed early, too."
Dad sighs. "I meant homework."
"Oh. No. I don't have any."
Dad considers us in silence, then, "Well, I caught a perp today. Pulled someone over for a missing tail light on my way home, and it turns out she had a record for over 20 unpaid parking tickets. Society is safe once again."
We look at Dad like the crazy person he is.
"Have you thought about dating?" I ask him.
He chokes on his bite of fish.
. . .
I won't let Edward in tonight.
I'm mad at him, so I'm not going to let Edward in tonight.
I won't let Edward in tonight.
But when he comes in shortly after Dad has gone to bed, I'm glad to see him. So much for my so-called resolve.
"You know how sorry I am," he tells me lowly.
I hold the covers tight against my chest. "You know how hurt I am," I say.
"I do. Tell me what I can do to make it better."
He lifts the covers to get under with me, and I shoot out the side of the bed. While I try to get my breathing under control, he comes to stand in front of me.
"Tell me, Bella."
I don't know!
Take it all back!
I wish you had left Jessica the hell alone!
And suddenly I'm beating his chest with my closed fists. He lets me, until he feels he's had enough, and then he holds my fists against his stomach.
"This never would have happened if you hadn't stuck your nose in where it didn't belong," I hiss. "You were so concerned about the consequences of Jessica's actions that you didn't even consider yours."
He looks at me with anguish in his eyes. "You're right. I didn't. I didn't, Bella."
Because he doesn't offer a defense, I'm undone. I don't know what else to say, so I let him hug me while I cry.
It helps that he doesn't try to overwhelm me with kisses again. Instead, he lays me down in the bed like I'm a child, then strokes my hair until I fall asleep. And this time, there are no dreams.
. . .
Commenters get a chance to influence the story.
left in bits and Arabella Whitlock love Jasper and Sprock, so he now has a bigger part in the story. And Arabella normally doesn't read EdwardxBella stories!
Danny2126 helped shape Bella's anger at Edward. She's got some rad comprehensive skills, a real knack for summing things up perfectly.
SuziefknQ shared some information early on during the story that influenced how Renee acted. She's also has a wonderful way of expressing her thoughts.
MySwagg5050 keeps me posting because she's all about cracking the whip. Girl is relentless. Probably dangerous, too.
lynard69 and TeamKristen4U wanted James to be a nice guy. So he is.
DreamerRoad is good at giving me a dose of reality. Kind of ironic, when you consider her profile name, right?
Lotus11 has ESPN. She's able to predict character moves by reading between the lines.
What are you waiting for? Hit the reply button and give me your thoughts.