Elliot ran his hands through his wife's hair as the soft glow of the television lit the darkened living room of their shared space. They'd been house-hunting and it had worn them both out. Olivia had been a trooper, agreeing almost instantly to every one he wanted to see. He'd surprised her the previous night with a list of homes he'd been thinking would be perfect for their growing family. He remembered how her eyes lit up. She'd never had a real home, she'd said, and he wasn't sure if it was the hormones or her own troubled past that made her eyes grow misty. A soft snore brought him to the present and he stifled a laugh. She was lying on his lap and her face was pressed into the fabric of his shirt. He remembered the many nights they'd sat on the same couch and shared their deepest secrets. He usually shared more, but it didn't bother him. She wasn't much of a talker. She was getting better at voicing her emotions, though. Baby steps, he thought.
She'd been asleep for the remainder of the movie they'd bought. He promised her it would be good. Halfway through the first part of the movie, she'd settled against his side. Each time he glanced at her she'd changed positions until he'd finally shifted so she could lie down. A few moments later he was running his fingers through her dark locks, lulling her into a deep sleep. She needed it. The movie had long since been over, and she heard the television click off and the room went dark, startling her. She jumped and rolled off of the couch and onto the floor. The sound of her heart pounding in her chest tuned out the muffled cursing above her. She felt him brush by her as she turned to click on the lamp.
"Are you okay?" He kneeled down on the floor beside her, taking in her appearance. She was disoriented, trying to wake up. He'd noticed her sleeping lighter since she was pregnant. Maternal instinct, he thought.
"Well, I have to say, you're more comfortable than this shoe." She lifted her head and squinted at the running shoe that was half pushed under the couch. She pulled it all the way out and scooted it with her hand under the coffee table to put away later.
"Yeah, I imagine so. Come up here." He held his hands out and pulled her up by her arm as she stood up and backed up to the couch to sit down. He noticed a reddened area on the back of her arm where she'd hit the corner of the coffee table. It wasn't bleeding but it looked painful.
"Well, I'm awake now. Was the movie any good?" She crossed her legs on the couch and brought her arms around her. The lightweight tank top she had on made her chilly and she shivered. She was glad she could still sit this way on the couch. Before long, it would be impossible for her to pull off.
"Don't remember." He grinned, shyly, and put his arm around her, drawing her closer. He'd put the throw off the back of the couch into the wash after she'd gotten sick on it that morning. He'd wanted to put off the search for real estate but she'd insisted that she felt better.
"You watching me sleep again, El?" She caught him in the doorway of the crib a couple times and ever since he'd made a habit out of it. It was nearly his favorite thing to do. Nearly. Some things were a given. He shifted to find a comfortable position and hoped she didn't notice the effect his thought process was having on him.
"I like watching you sleep. You look…peaceful. When you're asleep it's like you're safe and no one can hurt you." He ran his hands up and down her arms to warm her up as she laid her head on his shoulder.
"Mmm…yeah. That's because you're near me. At the station I knew you were always close by because Cragen would order you to guard the door and let me sleep. When we were dating or when you were over for movies and dinner to discuss a case, I'd always end up falling asleep. I just remember thinking that as long as you were there, I could close my eyes and it would be okay. That sounds corny, doesn't it?" She uncrossed her legs and put her hand between her thighs. She was freezing but she didn't want to move. She loved moments where they just sat and talked. She was starting to nod off again and she wanted to stay there as long as possible.
"Nor corny. It's cute. I like that you feel safe when I'm here. To tell you the truth, Cragen didn't order me to guard the door. I kind of conveniently always had paperwork to do and kept an eye out. If anyone even went in the direction of where you were sleeping…let's just say we had an understanding." The first time Fin had gone in there looking for Olivia to ask about a case, he'd gotten so angry. Fin had just stood there mutely as Elliot ranted and raved about letting her sleep because 'she hardly gets any as it is at her place and here you go waking her up'. He recalled how bloodshot her eyes had been, having only gotten a half hour in. From then on, they'd have to go through him first.
"Ever the protector. You like the one with the swing set?" She noticed the housing list spread out on the table.
"You can be so random. It's a good thing I'm tuned into what you're talking about most of the time or I'd be lost. Yeah, I like the one with the swing set. It's in good condition and the owners don't want to take it with them. It's safe." He loved the house. It had hardwood floors, a bay window with a seat and storage, and so much more. They both fell in love with it. Her comment about the swing set put his mind into motion. They both silently were agreeing they wanted it.
"We need a baby swing. Can we pick one up tomorrow?" She felt a chill go through her again and rubbed her hands together.
"Yeah. Yeah, we can. You know, when the girls were younger we'd go down to the park and swing. When they were a little older they'd sit in my lap but after a while they wanted to be independent and do it by themselves but when they were babies I'd hold them. Kathy was so afraid I'd drop them but they looked so content. I hate those artificial swings. Nothing compares to holding your baby in your arms in the fresh air. I did that with all my girls. Dickie always fell asleep on the way there but with the girls the swing set always worked like a charm." He smiled at the memory and the idea that he'd be able to do the same soon with their child. He wished they had a name for the baby-to-be. Olivia wanted him to sit down with her and go over them. She'd thought of some but she wanted his input. Whatever made her happy, he'd be fine with. He'd had four chances to pick out names already. This was her experience.
"You're a great father. There should be more dads like you out there." She thought about her childhood and the hidden memories she'd never let escape her troubled mind. She thought they would scare Elliot off. Little by little she was growing more content and less frightened of him leaving. He was giving her the space and time she needed when she got in moods where she'd think about everything she'd gone through. She was at the point where she could begin to heal and he'd be there to hold her. She'd never had anyone to confide in. She had Casey, but the love of your husband was different.
"I'm sorry, honey." He took off his sweatshirt and pulled it over her head before helping her get her arms through it. He thought it fit her perfectly. Just big enough to be incredibly sexy and the way it hung on her frame took his breath away. He wasn't a big guy by any means and it was never baggy enough to look awkward. He loved seeing her wearing his shirts.
"It's okay. Sorry to put a damper on things. I like hearing about your kids. I'm glad you're close to them." She crossed her arms and snuggled closer to him the couch.
"I'm just sorry you didn't have someone like that in your life. I wish I was there when you were growing up. You would have never been alone. I wish I could take away your pain." He felt a pang in his chest every time he thought that even for a moment she had been hurt. Each moment all added up equaled more than he cared to think about. What hells had she gone through? He wasn't sure he wanted to know.
"I would have liked that. It wasn't always bad. There was this one. He lasted a couple weeks before my mom said he wasn't good enough for her. The problem was that he was too good. She couldn't have that. As hard as she tried and as much as she wanted to find happiness she never let herself get to that point. I think she was happy once I moved out and we were on better terms." She nodded as if trying to get herself to believe what she was saying. She'd had this crazy notion that things were better. Her mother never wanted her to leave. She'd come and gone throughout her teenage years. She'd stay out, walking the streets so she wouldn't have to come home. When she did come home she'd go straight to her room. The day she packed up what little she owned and walked out was the day she started telling herself that things had changed. It was the only way she could live with what she had to go through all of her life.
"What about you, Liv? Were you ever happy?" The thought of her trying to build up some fantasy in her head made his heart break. She wasn't on the best of terms with her mother. They talked just enough to appear to be mother and daughter to the lay person. Deep down, he knew that she longed for what she thought might happen once she moved. He longed for it, too. He wanted Olivia and her mother to talk and to tell each other that they were there if they were ever needed. That hadn't happened, though, and Olivia had been so alone. Her mother's death seemed to solidify that. He had become more determined to be a part of her life in any way he could.
"Two weeks." She closed her eyes, giving up on the conversation she wasn't sure she wanted to have. She'd always heard that people spoke more when it was dark and quiet. For some reason, she felt no inhibitions as she spoke to Elliot. Part of that was due to the support he'd always offered her and part was also due to the times she felt so lost and wounded that the words would come out, unchecked.
"I'm glad you had that much." He kissed her forehead and gently picked her up. He'd heard her breathing evening out and he knew she was falling asleep once again. He walked down the hall into the bedroom and deposited her carefully onto the bed. He grabbed the blanket that had been kicked off the night before and placed it over her. He watched her sleep, protecting her. He couldn't protect her from her past but he could keep her safe as she confessed all that had hurt her before she knew him. God how he wished he could go back in time. He would in a heartbeat. He saw her reach for his hand and he grabbed it, letting her know he was there. He toed off his shoes and slipped into bed. He closed his eyes and felt her close the gap as he turned and wrapped his arms in a protective embrace around her midsection. He nuzzled his face into her hair and let her breathing lull him to sleep as images of her childhood danced around his head.