So, did anyone catch the character oopsie last chapter? I left it as-is just to see if anybody says anything…
. . .
In history class, between Mr. Robertson's long-winded, monotonous discourse about The Cold War and more than I ever wanted to know about the Berlin Wall, I write Jasper a note.
Are you mad at me?
He frowns over at me after he reads the note, then shakes his head. I take the note back.
Are you disgusted then?
Again, he shakes his head. I sigh and take the note back again.
Then what?
He bends his head and begins to scribble. He takes his time. Under my desk, my knee is bouncing, bouncing. If he's not mad or disgusted, then what is he?
Mr. Robertson is watching us now. He knows something is going on. My heart starts pounding as he pauses right in the middle of his speech about the four zones of Germany and Berlin, and is he ever going to stop talking about that? In addition to feeling bored and anxious, now I feel guilty. I'm being a bad student.
This is torture.
Forever later, Jasper finally passes me the note after Mr. Robertson waxes on while looking at a different row of students. Still feeling guilty, but not able to wait a second more, I read what he wrote:
I am not anything but sad for you right now, if what I think is right. But I want to talk to you about it, and not here at school. I don't want to cause trouble. I don't want to make you cry, so I'm sorry about that. Can you tell Edward we have an assignment and come with me to my house after school?
I want to lay my head against the desk. Jasper isn't going to let me take the easy way out.
And after school, when I tell Edward I want him to drop me off with Jasper, he's less than thrilled.
"Why don't you work on that assignment together at home? Then Dad can take Jasper home when you're done."
Uhhh…
"I have a specific book at home that we need," Jasper tells him.
Edward looks at me. He's not happy.
"Jasper's got a book all about the Berlin Wall. It has pictures and everything," I say.
"Fine. But you'll have to call Dad for a ride home. I've got to work."
"That's okay," I tell him.
I don't like the look in his eyes as he drops us off. It's like he's jealous or something, and he has no reason to be.
"That was close," Jasper tell me as he unlocks his front door.
"Tell me about it," I agree.
"What are you going to tell him? Not the truth, I hope."
We stand just inside the door looking at each other. "We tell each other everything, Jasper."
He nods, puts his book bag down, then heads for the kitchen. I walk after him with my book bag cradled in my arms.
Jasper pours us some milk, and then gets out a package of Oreos. I can't even think of eating anything right now, so I just twist one of the cookie ends off and stare down at the white icing. It's double-stuffed.
He pushes Sprock my way, but Sprock can't help me the way he helps Jasper, so I shake my head and push him back. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Jasper slide him on.
"So … is Jasper wrong?" When Sprock talks, Jasper's voice sounds confident, but when it's just Jasper talking, he sounds like a kid.
The Oreo becomes my focus point. It fills my vision, leaving room for nothing else.
"What does Jasper think?"
"That you and Edward are closer than a normal brother and sister should be. Closer than Alice is to Emmett, anyway."
I gulp. "Alice and Emmett aren't close at all."
"But you and Edward are. Always have been. And it looks like you're getting even closer. True?"
I nod. "Yes. Do … do you think people notice?"
"Not like Jasper has. But you two stare at each other all the time at school. Someone could easily notice. And Edward is over-protective."
My heart is beating in my throat and I can hear myself gasping. I can't look at Jasper. What does he think?
"He's not going to tell anyone, Bella."
I'm crying now. "I'm sorry."
"Don't cry." Jasper's voice. "Don't cry!"
I giggle at his boyish panic and it helps to center me. Sprock shoves a napkin my way, and I dab at my eyes.
"If he's not going to tell, why is he doing this?" I ask.
Jasper/Sprock takes a long moment to think. "One, to see if he was out of his mind imagining anything. Two, if he wasn't imagining anything, to warn his friends to be more careful."
I finally find the courage to raise my face to Jasper's. His blue-gray eyes are sad, but understanding, and I can't see any judgment in them. Just … Jasper.
"I don't know how it happened," I whispered. "I just … one day, I woke up and knew that I loved him like a girl loves a boy."
"And he feels the same way?" Jasper whispers back.
I swallow and nod. "He tried to fight it. But we need each other."
"You should tell Edward to back off a little bit," Sprock says. "He came on really strong with James."
I twist another Oreo apart, but my grip is too hard and the top half of the cookie breaks in half. "I know."
"James might get suspicious."
"I know."
"What are you doing with James anyway?"
I flush. "Running, mostly. We kissed once. I, uh, I like him. I thought I liked him more until … until I realized that I love Edward."
"Are you using James to make Edward jealous?"
"No!"
"Better let him go, then."
"He's a friend."
"But not like I'm a friend, though."
And I flush again. Damn it. "What am I supposed to say to him?"
Jasper shrugs. "Haven't a clue. I'm just a sock."
I glare at him.
"Should I tell everyone then?"
Jaspers eyes widen. "You mean like-like—"
"Tell Rose, Alice and Emmett," I say.
"No," he says emphatically. "Definitely not. They won't understand. Especially Emmett and Alice."
And I feel like crying again, because that's what I thought and to have it confirmed hurts.
"Being in love should be a good thing," I say.
And after a moment, "But it's not," Jasper whispers, and he pats my back awkwardly when I cry again.
It helps, a little, to know that he's on my side.
. . .
After Charlie goes to bed, I go to Edward's bedroom. He's surprised. Usually, he comes to me.
He kisses me sweetly, and I wish I didn't have to tell him what I need to say.
"Jasper knows about us," I blurt.
Edward backs up a foot. Now he's really surprised. "You told him?"
"No. He guessed. He's noticed how we are with each other. He says we're becoming too obvious and other people might notice."
"Obvious? How?"
And he grabs my hand and drags me to the bed. We sit and face each other. Edward is mad, just like I thought he would be.
"He says we stare at each other too often. And the way you talked to Jamie that one time at lunch? He said he knows we've always been close, but he can tell we're getting closer. He just wants us to be more careful."
Edward's hands are clenching and unclenching, and he's grinding his teeth.
"He's not going to tell anyone, Edward," I whisper and wrap my fingers around one of his wrists. "He's on our side."
He stands up, breaking my hold on him. "I wish you hadn't told him."
I go stand behind him. "I didn't. He guessed."
He whirls on me. "Well, you should have told him he was nuts or something and denied it."
Now I back up a step. "But how? I love you. I can't hide that. And he doesn't care. Plus, I kind of like that he knows."
He growls and forks his fingers through his hair. "It's no one's business, Bella, least of all Jasper's."
"He is our friend. He is not going to tell anyone," I say, hoping to calm him.
"That's such bullshit," he says. "Pretty soon Alice, Rose and Emmett are going to know, too. And then we'll be separated and friendless and Dad will probably hate us. You shouldn't have told him."
"No," I say and wrap my arms around his stiff body. "That's not going to happen. Don't you trust me?"
He pushes my arms away, and then shakes me hard back and forth. "It's not about trusting you. It's about trusting someone else with our secret."
"Stop!"
He releases me and pulls me to his chest, where his hug is as hard as the shaking was. I can't hardly breathe, but I don't mind as long as he'll just hold me.
"You can talk to Jasper yourself," I sob. "And then you'll see."
"All is see right now is that you've betrayed us." He kisses me on the cheek, then pushes me towards the door. "We're sleeping in our own beds tonight."
"No, please," I say and drag my feet, but he's relentless.
"Bella. Go."
"Tell me you love me first."
He cradles my face in the palms of his hands, but his stare is dark and angry. "I love you. More than anything. But I'm pissed right now, and I want to be alone."
"Okay," I say and move away from his touch. And when my back is to him, he catches me up in another hug.
"I do love you," he whispers.
But he's shutting me out anyway.
. . .
The drive to school is tense the next morning. Jasper came out of his house with Sprock already on his hand, so he must have anticipated how things would be this morning.
"What exactly do you think you know?" Edward barks at him before we've even left the driveway.
I turn to give Jasper a look of sympathy, but Edward catches my chin in his hand.
"Don't look at him," he says.
And so I sigh and keep my eyes forward as ordered by the tyrant.
"I know you and Bella love each other the way a boyfriend and girlfriend do," Jasper says in his boy voice. He must know better than to have Sprock speak for him now. Edward's only ever tolerated the idea of Sprock.
"And how the hell do you think you know that?"
"From the way you treat each other. From the way you look at each other."
"What if I tell you you're a damn liar?"
I gasp quietly.
"I guess I'd understand why you'd say that, but I'm not going to tell anyone, Edward."
"I'll deny it, you know. If you go shooting off your mouth, I'll deny it and make you look like a fucking idiot. And so will Bella, because she knows if she doesn't, we'll never see each other again."
I'm looking at Edward with tears in my eyes and trying not to sob. I hate that I cry so easily anymore. And he's talking like a crazy person and scaring me.
"You're not going to have to do that," Jasper assures Edward.
"Good. You can find your own way to school and home from now on."
"No," I say.
"It's okay, Bella," Jasper says.
"No, it's not. If you won't take Jasper anymore, I'll ride the bus with him."
Edward gives me a hard look. "Then you'll ride the bus with him."
Which is what I do because Edward wasn't kidding, and I'm not backing down. And in the weeks that follow, Edward begins distancing himself from me, until the only times we kiss are when we fight and he just can't seem to help himself. He won't sleep with me anymore, but he makes up for it with his hugs.
I won't allow him to escape far.
. . .
Jamie and I are at Pizza Hut when Edward, Emmett and two girls I don't know walk in. I'm telling Jamie about my idea for an art assignment and stop mid-word when I see Edward put his hand against the dark-haired girls back.
Jamie turns to see what's caught my attention. "That's your brother," he says and looks at me like I'm crazy.
I suddenly feel crazy.
"He's supposed to be at work," I mutter. And what is he doing out with a girl?
As they settle at one of the booths, Edward finally notices me noticing him. He freezes for a long moment, then visibly sighs. Then? He ignores me. Fricken ignores me like I don't exist, like I'm not here, like I don't even matter.
"Are you okay?" Jamie asks me slowly.
No. I am not okay. I don't know if I'll ever be okay again. "I'm just surprised to see him is all," I say. "Do you know either of the girls that are with them?"
"Kate Townsend and Irina Clark. They're juniors. Edward's with Kate."
I nod like my world isn't crashing down. "Juniors. What are they doing dating sophomores?"
Jamie smiles. "Your brother and Emmett are big men on campus, Bella. Don't you know that? I thought Emmett was dating your friend Rosalie, though."
Big men on campus? What a crock. "Rosalie wants to date other people," I say proudly. "And obviously my brother's work ethic sucks if he's here now when he should be working. So much for big men on campus, huh?"
"Perception is everything," Jamie says and his smile is slightly evil.
"Do you mind if we trade seats?" I ask him. I don't want to keep looking over there.
"How about you just sit here next to me?" he asks with a bigger smile.
"Perfect."
And I don't even feel guilty.
Okay, maybe I do, but because it's at Jamie's expense. Edward can go poop up a rope.
When we leave, I don't even glance behind me. Edward isn't here, doesn't exist, and doesn't even matter.
But oh, it hurts.
. . .
It's almost time for bed when Edward comes knocking on my bedroom door. I meet him at the door and hold the frame in such a way that he knows he's not invited in.
His eyes are soft and cautious, something they haven't been in a long time. Seeing him with that expression makes me lose my breath a little.
"Yes?" I ask crisply.
"I wanted to explain about today," he says lowly in the tone of voice that usually melts my bones.
"What's to explain? You blew off work to go on a date."
"No, you've got that wrong," he says and makes to enter my room. I don't back up, so now I'm nose-to-chest with him.
"Pretty sure I'm right," I say and glare at the decal on his t-shirt.
He wraps an arm around my waist, picks me up, and comes inside and closes the door all in one move. I'm impressed, but still mad.
"I didn't say you could come in," I huff when he sets me back on my feet.
"I didn't ask," he says.
"Well, you should have!"
Then he backs me up against the wall and kisses me. I raise my hands to push him away, but my fingers get stuck grabbing his shirt instead. The kiss quickly grows out of control and soon we're knocking our teeth together because we're coming at each other so hard.
"I miss you," I gasp brokenly.
He groans and buries his head in my shoulder as he molds my body against his. I can feel his erection against my stomach and it excites and frightens me. When he starts kissing my neck and shoving his fingers under my shirt, I push him away.
"You said I got it wrong?" I say.
We're both breathing hard. In an act of anger and defiance and disrespect, I drop my eyes to his crotch, something I've only ever done on the sly before. His hand lowers to caress the long length pushing against his jeans, and I turn inferno red.
"Like what you do to me?"
"Get out," I say and yank the door open.
Dad's coming up the stairs, so Edward makes short work of it scooting from my room to his.
"Aren't you two ever going to get along again?" he asks.
"Not unless Edward matures," I say.
"Well, goodnight to you both," Dad calls loudly enough for Edward to hear behind his closed door.
"Night, Dad," Edward calls back.
"Night," I say and kiss his cheek.
"No more fighting," he says. "Go to sleep."
Oh, if only I could.
Edward IMs me not five minutes later.
"It was a double-date for Emmett. He likes Irina. Kate likes me, but I don't like her. I just did it for Emmett."
"You need to get over yourself," I type back furiously. "Calling off work just to go out with a girl who you know likes you, but you don't like her? You're a jerk."
"I didn't have to work today. I lied and said I did so you wouldn't know I was going out, okay? I'm sorry. I fucked up."
"What does it matter anyway? If you're already telling me lies, there's nothing to discuss. Goodnight."
And I click out of the IM.
I have trouble falling asleep, but when I finally do, I'm awakened when I feel Edward against my body. He covers my mouth immediately with his and I already feel as if I'm in a dream. I wrap my arms around him with a little moan and he shoves his way between my legs so he can press himself against me. Every time he kisses me, he pushes the fire down a little deeper, until we're surging up and against each other and I feel like I'm about to explode.
"I love you, I love you," he whispers in between kisses. And I want to say it back, but I can't catch my breath and then I am exploding and I'm a live wire against his erection, which he keeps grinding against me until he goes still with a long, drawn-out groan. I feel heat against my stomach where he came in his pants as he collapses against me with unsteady, heavy breaths.
I just had an orgasm. And so did he.
But we're supposed to be fighting.
"You cheated," I tell him, but it doesn't sound very accusatory because I'm still in the after stages of bliss.
His head raises. "I know. I couldn't help it. I needed you. And I'm sorry."
"You lied to me."
His head sinks back to my shoulder. "Yes."
"Don't do it again."
He kisses my neck. "I won't."
"I thought you weren't dating anyone else since we … you know."
"I'm not," he says and bites me gently. "This was just a favor to Emmett."
"And that girl—Kate—she knows this?"
"She knows now. I told her after I took her home."
"How'd she take it?"
"She was pissed."
Like I would have been.
"I won't let you keep jerking me around like this, you know," I tell him.
"I know, Bella."
"You wouldn't let me treat you this way."
"I wouldn't."
"So stop," I say simply, like he said once to me.
He rolls off of me and on to his back. "I have to go clean up," he says with distaste.
"Come back," I tell him.
And he does.