Joyful Boxing Day (Canada, UK, Australia)

In an undisclosed location somewhere on the planet Earth, an Irken female in gray-purple gear was muttering angrily and pacing along the length of a rocky cave. She was a pretty sort, her height around the average for her age (somewhat young by her species's standards) and a small wire was attached to her left temple. Her stunningly amethyst eyes were blazing, and her curled antennae twitched on every other word as she resumed a much-practiced soliloquy.

"Oh, he'll pay," she grumbled, kicking at an errant chunk of rock with a black-booted foot. "Yes, he will pay for making my life miserable."

A small silvery-gray robot looking not entirely unlike GIR scuttled up to Tak, cocking its head to the side and slowly blinking its large red eyes. "No, I have not formulated a plan yet, MiMi!" the Irken snapped, interpreting that as the SIR unit's unasked question as she sharply whirled around to pace in the opposite direction. She became annoyed with walking that way, though, and turned around again, pacing towards the mouth of the cave. "If I did, we wouldn't still BE here!"

Footsteps echoed across the cavern around her, and though she already knew who it must be Tak whirled anyways. Directly behind her was a short, squat Irken, about the same height as Zim, in a stained red-and-pink uniform. "I thought my words were not to bother me, Invader Skoodge!" Tak reprimanded hotly, and Skoodge flinched nervously.

"W-well, yes," he responded with more than a hint of fear in his voice. "H-however, I felt the desire to tell you tha—"

"NOT NOW!" Tak shouted, turning her back on him and resuming her pacing. Skoodge timidly thwarted her attempts to ignore him, however, by scurrying along after her and ducking back into her line of vision.

"C-C-Comrade Tak—" he began again, but at Tak's piercing glare he amended himself. "M-My tall peer, I kn-know how important it is that you mutter about killing Zim, but I—"

"Can you leave me ALONE?!" the female repeated even more forcefully, pushing Skoodge to one side and stomping further away from him. Perhaps she would go to the city directly outside and just go brood somewhere else; it was the only place that infuriating Skoodge wouldn't follow her. After all, she still had her hologram device, and Skoodge would look far too out-of-place. However, just as Tak was seriously contemplating this, MiMi jumped up and clung to the Irken's arm, tugging on it meaningfully. Tak stopped abruptly and scowled down at the robot. She tried to shake her loose, but the SIR's grip was very tight and the little robot seemed very intent on something. "Get off, MiMi!" Tak hissed angrily, shaking her arm again, and Skoodge took advantage of Tak's distraction to continue his thought.

"My f-fellow Irken, tonight—on this planet, at the present time, an event known as 'Christmas Eve' is coming to pass. I-I-I was informed of this by your SIR, seeing as my own was destroyed by the Tallest and it would not have had that data anywa..."

He trailed off pitifully as Tak turned to glare at him again, still trying to shake off MiMi. "So?" she demanded venomously, her eyes narrowed into two angry slits. "If you have anything to say, say it! If you've simply bothered me to waste my time again, rest assured that I shall KILL you!"

Skoodge faltered slightly, his antennae jittering with nervousness. Tak had been like a time bomb ever since her defeat by Zim, making any conversation with her a veritable death trap. "O-o-on this occasion, the natives exchange favorable wishes and material goods with one another. I m-merely considered that, as we are currently situated on the planet's surface, and as Invaders our sworn duty is to collect information pertaining to the inhabitants and attempt to assimilate into—"

"Yes, I know that!!" Tak was becoming increasingly incensed, especially by the use of the term "Invader". As much as she tried to convince herself otherwise, she was not an Invader. Technically speaking she was still a janitorial drone, and the fact that such an irritating and short Irken like Skoodge had become an Invader was just one of the many reasons for her utter hatred. "What is your point, puny excuse for an Irken elite? Or do you even have one?"

Going into a near-crouch (although with his stature he was already close enough to the ground), Skoodge's scarlet eyes tremblingly looked up into Tak's violet ones. However, her stare proved too daunting and he concentrated instead on a point just in front of Tak's feet. Taking in a deep breath, he squeaked, "I just finished altering that escape pod you were using as a ship. N-now it has lasers and a temporary shield barrier, as well as a universal g-g-guidance system."

Tak was halfway towards ordering MiMi to destroy him when his words suddenly registered, and instead she froze in surprise. Tak's hands dropped to her sides, her amethyst eyes wide with shock. Skoodge fidgeted nervously, still watching the ground. After remaining immobile for a few more seconds, Tak snapped back to her normal self and turned sharply away from him. "Y-yes, very good, Skoodge," she proclaimed haughtily, still a bit staggered, and didn't even notice as MiMi let go of her arm. Clearing her throat self-consciously, she half-turned her head back towards Skoodge, who was glancing anxiously at her in case she still wanted to attack.

"Eh...Invader Skoodge," Tak announced haltingly, her Irken complexion seemingly redder in the darkness, "I believe that I'm through contemplating revenge on Zim for tonight."

Skoodge seemed a bit surprised, but he didn't make a comment. Instead he straightened up, wiped his forehead in relief and smiled a little. "M-m-merry night of 'Christmas', tall comrade."

Tak made a noise halfway between a cough and a hiccup, attempting a lopsided smile. It stretched her facial muscles in a direction they hadn't moved in for a long time, but she would learn to get used to it again. " 'Merry Ch-Christmas', Invader Skoodge."

Dib wheezed, breathing in and out deeply and rapidly. Even in the controlled atmosphere of the modified Spittle Runner, sweat was rolling down the back of his neck. This was getting really dangerous. As he watched Zim gear up for another attack over the video screen, Dib was reminded for the umpteenth time this past few minutes that he had never really seen Zim fly combat before. Well, there WAS that time when they had hijacked Mars and Mercury, which turned out to actually be giant spaceships, but Zim had only just learned the controls at the time. And as he had said, Zim had been trained to pilot Irken ships. Dib was on the alien's turf now.

Charging the rocket boosters again, Dib glanced surreptitiously at the digital watch concealed beneath his mitten. 7:54 PM. Hopefully he'd be able to defeat Zim in time to return home and watch the new Mysterious Mysteries episode at midnight. It was a holiday special, and they were investigating the phenomenon of Christmas occurring in department stores a month before it passes in the rest of the world.

"It's no use, Zim!" he spat at the video screen, trying to sound a lot more confident than he felt. "Once I destroy your heat laser of...HEAT that you're using to melt the ice caps, the EARTH will be saved!"

The image of Zim on his communications screen was fractured and indistinct due to the damage to both ships, and the voice came out as an almost incoherent mumble. "What heat laser?" the alien asked, blinking his large crimson eyes in confusion, but Dib could see through his ruse.

"I can see through his ruse!" Dib proclaimed aloud, probably not even realizing that he was doing so. On the screen, Zim was scratching his long black antennae in bewilderment. "Zim must have it concealed somewhere on his spaceship, probably even in plain sight! Oh, why didn't I memorize the diagrams I've seen of that stupid ship?"

"Um, hell-looooo?" Zim said over the com-link, waving a hand to try and get Dib's attention. "I can—KRRRZAK—HEAR you, human!"

"Well," Dib continued, deaf to anything Zim might be saying, "there is the probability that he has it hidden on some other craft I can't see, acting as a separate agent. There's no way to tell."

The onscreen Zim waved both hands now, gesticulating wildly at the oblivious Dib. "Hello? Di-ib? Filthy—FFFFFFZ—HU-man? Look! Look, hairless—VVVRRT—primate! This is me, Zim, hearing—ZZZZT—you! See? I can HEAR you! Lookit me go! See? See? I'm hearing! I'm hearing! I am HEEEEEA-RING yooooooou!"

Keying something in on the control panel, Dib persisted in talking aloud. "The only way to find out is to destroy his entire ship!"

That shut Zim up pretty quickly. "We'll see about—FFFFFFTT—THAT, wormy-baby child of slime and icky things!" he challenged, and immediately Zim's purple craft was barreling straight towards Dib's ship again. Still sweating a little, Dib managed to swerve his ship out of the way, hearing even through the soundproofed Irken metal the whooshing roar as the Voot Cruiser passed directly over him. Taking in more deep breaths, Dib angled his ship so he could clearly see Zim's craft through the tinted windshield.

"Why isn't he using the laser?" he panted, head spinning. "Why? Whyyyy? If it were me, I would've used the laser the first thing!" Instead of being comforted by the thought that he wasn't being shot at, the absence of the (unbeknownst to Dib) imaginary laser worried the boy. However, he paused as a new revelation made itself clear to him. "Zim is kinda stupid, though..."

Zim didn't appear to have heard the last remark as he slowed the Cruiser and turned it towards Dib's ship. "AAAAARGH!" he screamed over the com-link, powering up the rockets again. This time, though, Dib was ready, energizing his own thrusters as he waited for Zim to charge. Predictably, the alien did, but Dib pulled out of his way at the last second to turn around and slam into the Cruiser himself.

There was a shower of sparks and debris as the crafts collided, and both ships were sent flying in opposite directions for the second time. Dib clutched at his stomach, trying to get used to the violent shudders that accompanied ship-to-ship ramming. Unfortunately, he failed miserably enough to have to recycle some of the day's lunch into a waste tube conveniently located nearby. Gasping and panting, divided between holding his stomach and hanging on to the steering wheel, Dib turned back towards the Cruiser. It had already righted itself and was flying back at him. "GAAAAAAAAH!!" Dib shouted in panic, trying to angle his craft out of the way. He pressed random buttons on the control panel, trying desperately to find anything that might work, and actually managed to duck out of Zim's way again. Through anatomical impossibilities, Dib's heart was pumping ferociously somewhere in the vicinity of his esophagus, and he tried to mentally prepare himself for whatever was coming next.

Whether it was by chance, divine interest or some other sort of cosmic muffin, at that moment Dib looked out of his windshield and saw the craft's four claws, which usually trailed behind the craft, extended out in front and poised like a praying mantis's front limbs. Somehow, part of his frantic button-pushing spasm had actually armed them.

"The ship's claws!" Dib gasped aloud again, covering up the sound of Zim swearing "QUINTNTURINTEENO!!" over the com-link as his ship whirled around to face Dib's craft again. "Somehow, part of my frantic button-pushing spasm actually armed them!" The sight of Zim's Voot Cruiser becoming increasingly large through his windshield sent Dib into near-incoherence as he began panicking at levels he'd never before achieved. "But how do I use them?! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE THEM!! I'M GOING TO DIE MILES ABOVE THE ARCTIC CIRCLE BEFORE I'VE EVEN EXPOSED ZIM AS AN ALIEN BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO—"

Dib was sheepishly cut off as he saw a big red button with a very distinct picture of four black claws on it right in front of his face, and turned slightly red himself as he pressed it.

And not a moment too soon as the four talons moved like lightning into the hull of the Voot Cruiser, which had been a mere second away from smashing into Tak's old ship again. The weapons pierced through the purple metal like a tank through a warehouse of totally prepared Jell-o, gripping the ship by the inside. Zim gave a shout of surprise, which over the fractured soundspeakers sounded like a mentally-challenged Ravenous Bugblatter Beast after a full round of Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters. The overall effect was of a quality rivaled only by the sight of a flock of rabid wildebeests riding on the back of a single jackrabbit.

This story is exceedingly popular with the Similes and Metaphors Society of America.

There was a short, stunned silence as Dib realized what had just happened. Had he been fully adept in the arts of war, this pause would have been used to completely cripple the Voot Cruiser and capture Zim, which would have ensured the Earth's security, at least, from the Irken empire and would have rid the Tallest of an incompetent (and rather expensive) nuisance. However, he was just a simple Earth boy who had only just figured out how to use the deadliest of his weapons—and this was a fact that saved Zim's life. In that split-second of inactivity he managed to yank the Cruiser out of the tangle of claws, albeit ripping a solid chunk off the front of his ship in doing so, and duck out of the way of further harm. As Dib jolted back to reality a mere second later, the Voot Cruiser was already sputtering backwards in an attempted retreat.

"Oh no you don't!" Dib shouted, confidence recovered as the talons poised themselves again. He grabbed the joystick that appeared to be the manual controls for the deadly weapons, jostling it about a little and seeing how the claws reacted through the windshield. Once he'd established a basic working knowledge of it, he glanced around for Zim again. Spotting the alien's purple ship trying to fly for cover behind a glacier, Dib grinned widely.

"I'M COMING, ZIM!" he cried overdramatically, and sped full-throttle after his nemesis. Sharply rounding the corner of the glacier, though, the ship skittered to a stop. Zim's ship was nowhere in sight—that is, until Dib spotted it through the corner of his windshield trying to conceal itself in a cloud. His smile spread almost to the tips of his ears, and narrowing his eyes he pulled his craft upwards sharply, shooting past the snowflakes and diving into the cloud.

Most people think that the inside of a cloud must look something like heaven. Pastafarians, of course, know this isn't so, as their heaven has a beer volcano and it would be rather silly to think that you could fit one of those inside a cloud. The reality of it is, clouds are very unpleasant to be inside, as Dib learned the moment the frozen water molecules attached to his ship. As Irkens don't build their ships to be resilient to water, since there is none on their planet, it was only by virtue of the craft's self-repair program that Dib was able to avoid the preliminary stages of instant rust—but none of that could help the fact that he couldn't see. It was akin to the worst fog on Earth multiplied by ten, preventing any kind of view through the windshields besides simply the swirling sheet of white and gray. For a moment Dib just screamed panicked ultimatums about how the world was going to end and how he was probably going to be stuck in the cloud forever and that if he couldn't see he couldn't stop Zim (none of which I feel like transcribing), but then something stirred in the back of his disturbingly large head.

"WAIT A MINUTE! I'VE GOT A RADAR...THINGY!!" he cried, immediately activating it by virtue of the keypad. The video screen still showing fractured-looking feed from Zim's ship immediately lit up with a grid of pink circles on a purple-black background. Part of his ship's databanks were still damaged, so the image was slightly ruptured, but he could see a red blip clearly enough. Was that a second blip pixelized in the corner of the screen? Dib tensed for a moment—but the second mark soon disappeared. "It must've been my imagination," he decided, then with a sudden skip of his heartbeat he glanced back at the radar. The original blip hadn't moved. "That's odd," he noticed, cocking his head to the side. "Maybe Zim can't see and is just too stupid to use his radar."

This explanation sounded perfectly rational, so it didn't bother Dib overly much as he prepped the ship's claws and silenced his engines, moving stealthily forwards. Then, when the still-stationary blip on the radar was close enough that he could even see a shadowy silhouette in the fog before him, Dib shoved the joystick forward as far as it could go.

"YOU'RE MINE, ZIM!" That's what he had been planning to say. But it stuck in his throat as he suddenly heard an unearthly rupturing sound. Even through the soundproofed Irken hull, Dib could clearly hear the terrible noise as the claws struck and broke clean through something.

And, even more horribly, he could hear Zim.