Apologies to any holidays I might've forgotten or couldn't fit
Back in Zim's living room, more than five hours after he first came into this story, GIR was still staring blankly at the TV. The little antenna on top of his head was fizzing and crackling, little sparks of electricity dancing periodically on the tip of the blue orb crowning the appendage. His data canister was almost completely full, having recorded every image, sound and nuance of not only A Muppets Christmas Carol and A Wish for Wings That Work, but also of A Charlie Brown Christmas, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Bah Humduck: A Looney Tunes Christmas, Mickey's Christmas Carol, The Nightmare Before Christmas—this one GIR had even made a backup copy of, realizing that it might even please his master—Wakko's Wish, The Night the Grinch Stole Christmas and several others. (It helped that he was hooked up to every television in the base simultaneously.) Now it was almost finished recording A Pinky and the Brain Christmas.
As GIR mechanically lifted another handful of ancient chocolates to his mouth, the screen showed a white cartoon mouse, short and with a big head (Proportionally larger than Dib's, GIR would've noticed if all his functions weren't wholly devoted to transcribing the show), read from a small slip of paper.
" 'So please, take anything which you had for me and give it to my best friend in the whole world...' " the mouse read in a trembling voice, his pink eyes becoming wider and more heartbreaking as he scanned the sheet, " '...th-the Brain.' "
The mouse looked up, confused tears in his eyes, as the camera switched to show another, taller mouse sobbing in the opposite direction. GIR watched this scene unfold for another second or so, then wobblingly got to his feet. Moving awkwardly because of the small amount of operating space left on his hard drive, GIR toddled almost spellbound out of the room, not even bothering to turn the TV off first.
The Voot Carrier shuddered, shaking from side to side as its internal receptors tried to cope with the fact that it had just been speared in its vital databanks by four very large metal talons, which had just hurriedly retracted themselves. Its self-governing temperature adjusters rocketed out of their normal parameters, the delicate machinery that kept it hovering was rapidly becoming unstabilized and it dropped the penguins, upending on itself and accidentally sending the fowl tumbling out through the huge holes caused by the claws. As the loss of the penguins and the severe damage to the Carrier represented itself through the explosion of the holo-keyboard that controlled it, Zim immediately reacted with a howl of uncontested rage.
"NOOOOO!! MY PENGUINS!!" he screamed, pressing his face against the cockpit bubble as he watched the scene helplessly. His Irken eyesight was marginally better in conditions of obscurity than a human's, so he could see in shadowy silhouettes the disintegration of his plan. The Voot Carrier was quivering erratically, its interior pressure chamber so out of wack that it began to suck in the cloud around it, expanding rapidly as the crystallized water vapor flooded into its internal chamber. The air quickly cleared, and Dib could see through his own windshield about twenty shocked penguins losing very swiftly in a battle against gravity.
"Penguins?" he demanded, raising an eyebrow at the reinstated image of Zim on his video screen. "What do penguins have to do with anything?"
"You ruined my PLAN!!" Zim cried, banging his fist on the computer console. His Pak was starting to heat up again from the influx of such concentrated and ardent emotion. "MY plan, my GLORIOUS plan!! FILTHY Earth boy!"
Dib blinked in confusion, then his face morphed into an annoyed expression. "Don't tell me you were going to use the penguins' body heat to melt the ice caps."
Zim gripped the sides of his head, clawing at the green skin in agitation. "AGAIN with your STINKY Earth ice caps!!" he screamed. "I wish nothing to do with your ice caps of DOOM! YOU ruined my secret plan of turning the penguin-beasts into Earthsludge-crushing LAWYERS!!"
In his confusion compounded with the near-insensibility of what Zim was now saying, Dib was becoming frustrated as well. "But it's not a secret! You just TOLD me!!" he protested, his voice reaching almost shrill pitches. Then the words of his adversary suddenly registered. "Lawyers? That's pretty dumb, Zim."
Outside, the Voot Carrier continued to rattle, sucking the entire cloud inside its containment pod and even pulling in several adjoining ones. Its external mechanisms spluttered and coughed, shooting out sparks. However, this was noticed by neither the human nor the Irken.
"DUMB?! YOU DARE CALL ZIM'S PLOTS DUMB?!" Zim cried, his voice raising to an almost unhearable pitch as he tried desperately to come up with a retort. "WELL, uhhh...WELL—SQUIRRELS ARE STUPID!!"
"No they're not!" Dib responded automatically before realizing what had been said. There was a slight pause following this, stretching for several seconds. When it became apparent that nothing more was going to happen, Dib shrugged. "Welllllllllll, I guess I saved the human race," he decided, then turned the modified Spittle Runner around in an effort to leave. "See you tomorrow, Zim!"
He actually managed to fly about a quarter mile away before he heard Zim scream again through the com-link. COME BACK TO ZIIIIM, HORRIBLE HUMAN!!"
Squirming around in his pilot's seat, Dib saw through a rear camera monitor that the Voot Cruiser was pursuing him, and gaining fast. Looking back at the video screen, he could see every ounce of the Irken's wrath reflected in Zim's narrowed crimson eyes and in his wide mouth hollering alien expletives ("ARCHEEKOMIX! GRUMMATEKULLYINKIRRECTPHANFIKS!"), and all the fear he'd felt before dropped like a stone in the pit of Dib's gullet.
"Uhhhhhhh...No thanks!" he replied, boosting the output of his rocket thrusters to maximum. Even with all the damage to his craft, he was still far clear of the Antarctic coast in under a minute. With a sigh he wiped his forehead, removing his white mittens to do so, but just as he was going to drop the muffs into his coat pocket he heard a beeping from the computer console. Confused, Dib looked around for something to give him a clue as to what was going on. There was no need, however, as after fifteen seconds of inactivity a prerecorded clip of Tak's voice he hadn't known to delete narrated for him.
"Enemy craft approaching rapidly from behind," the crisp yet tinny tone informed him, and an image flashed through Dib's mind of the purple-eyed Irken as he had last seen her. He shivered even before he comprehended the message; that voice was just too unnerving for him to forget in a hurry. "Craft is in combat mode and should be considered a threat."
"GAAAAAAAHH!!" Dib cried reflexively, giving his steering wheel a death grip as he jerked it forward as far as possible. "GO AWAAAY, ZIMMMM!!" he shouted shrilly at the com-link, which neither of them had bothered to turn off.
"NEVERRRRRRRRRRR!!" Zim shouted back, trembling with rage as he keyed something in on his control panel. A moment later, the atmosphere to the right of Dib's ship loudly and spontaneously combusted.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"
Had Dib been able to see the Voot Cruiser without looking back at the rear monitors, he would have seen that the two purple energy pods had detached from Zim's ship and were levitating just to either side of the craft, discharging laser beams in the direction of the modified Spittle. Inside the hull of the Cruiser, Zim was livid, his antennae stiffly laid back like the ears of an angry cat. Without even missing a beat, he threw off the bear suit and continued firing at Dib. He would pay...he would DEFINITELY payyyy...
As Dib's craft ducked and weaved in an attempt to avoid the blasts, his ship flew wildly off course from his original trajectory homewards. But he didn't realize this, even as he passed straight over the southernmost tip of South America, Zim shooting along behind. Not even as his ship crossed over and into African skies minutes later, and when he was still dodging the lasers over Asia even later than that. No matter where his hectic zigzagging led him, Zim was right behind.
And behind Zim came the Voot Carrier, its default programming dragging it magnetically along in the wake of Zim's ship. Its containment bay was stuffed to maximum capacity with snowclouds, but even as it tipped dangerously to follow the course of the Cruiser, the vapor poured out of the holes in the plasticine bubble and rained down on the countries below.
Or, rather, snowed.
As Zim chased Dib over Argentina, a line of snow trailed behind them. Snow followed them over Namibia and Botswana, over Madagascar and even northwards through Kenya and Ethiopia. The denizens of Saudi Arabia looked up into the sky and saw several floating objects pursuing each other, and a moment later it suddenly began to snow. The same strange occurrence happened in the skies of Pakistan, and in India, and out in Cambodia and Taiwan. It passed over Japan, where the spaceships were viewed critically as possible advertisements by Tokyo manufacturers, and crossed over Russia, where the natives yelled that they already had enough snow. The mystical blizzard graced Kazakhstan, flew through Turkey and Bulgaria and across all of Western Europe. The snow traveled across Canada and through Hawaii, visiting the Philippines and Indonesia. It snowed in Australia, and in Tasmania, and then again across the French Polynesia, Bolivia, Peru, Brazil and Venezuela. Snow came to Ghana and Nigeria, to Chad and Libya, to Algeria and Mauritania, to Puerto Rico and Honduras, to Guatemala and Mexico. ("United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama, Haiti, Jamaica, Peru; Republic Dominican, Cuba, Caribbean, Greenland, El Salvador tooooo...")
The snow descended upon the entire world, giving every town, every city, every country, every nation a white Christmas.
Dib, contrastingly, could not have cared less as his ship continued to duck and weave past bolts of seemingly inexhaustible energy. His eyelids were heavy, and the continual crossings over different time zones had discombobulated his internal timepiece. He blearily checked his watch. 5:47 AM. Zim had been chasing him for almost ten hours. Dib rubbed his eyes, glad that he'd finally found the "autopilot" option after four hours of searching.
"Geez," he mumbled almost incoherently, watching Zim's ship on the rearview monitors, "do aliens sleep a' all?"
The human boy stared blankly out the windshield, not even taking in the images until he realized with a jolt that it was his own town. Zim's house loomed like a big aqua-green thumb on the horizon, a tiresome reminder of the little Irken but a welcome and familiar sight nonetheless.
"It's my own town!" Dib cried in recognition, still able to self-narrate even while half-asleep. He grinned tiredly, wrinkling the deep bags under his eyes. "Good"—here he yawned midsentence—"good ol' autopilot, it r'members the way home." He stared contemplatively at the computer console. "They really ha-have the most 'mazing technology," he appreciated, slumping comfortably back in the pilot's seat. "Dunno how it c'n d-dodge all those 'nergy blasts li' that, bu—"
Even as Dib said it the ship must have paused to think over this fact itself, because the next blast hit the ship square in the back, sending it reeling forwards. Dib screamed, sitting bolt upright and gripping the Irken armrests as the ship pitched. In a flash the Voot Cruiser had pulled itself in front of the modified Spittle, presumably so Zim could gloat.
"Who's the better pilot NOW, Dib?!" Zim taunted over the video screen, even though it had taken over nine hours for him to land a shot. As well, the remark was made equally pointless by the fact that he had just placed the Cruiser directly in the crash path of Dib's ship. Before the Irken even had time to realize this excessively stupid oversight, the two ships had collided again and were both spinning helplessly back down to Earth. Then, with a sickening CRUNCH, Tak's old craft landed on top of the Voot Cruiser and Carrier inside the still-open "attic" portion of Zim's house. The cockpit of the modified Spittle Runner flew open, dumping Dib out onto one of the snow-free patches on the imitation-hardwood floor. Thankfully, his huge winter coat had cushioned him just enough to keep his spine from snapping on impact, but even so he hit his head hard on the floor and sank into a blissful sleep.
It might've been a few minutes or even half an hour later when Dib was rudely awakened by a kick to the ribs. He inhaled sharply and rolled onto his back, opening his eyes to squint through cracked glasses. Before him was a looming silhouette of something with very thin limbs, and which looked impressive from his low vantage point even though in actuality the creature was only about the same height as him. The two antennae on top of the silhouette's squareish head twitched in anger, and with a hissing noise he kicked Dib again.
"STUPID EARTH CREATURE!" Zim howled, shoving his boot rudely into Dib's shin. Behind him was the wreckage of the two ships, and both they and Zim were backlit by the slim rays of the approaching dawn. Dib shielded his eyes and managed to scramble to the side as Zim tried to kick him again. "FILTHY HUMAN! YOU RUINED ALL MY PLANS!" He shook one black-gloved fist emphatically, using his other hand to point accusingly at Dib. "ALLLLLL OF THEM!!"
"You were trying to destroy the human race!" Dib objected angrily, scrabbling to his feet just as Zim tried to make a swing at his head. "It's not my fault!"
"YES IT IS!!" Zim shouted in return, then tackled Dib. Zim batted furiously at the human, who only barely managed to avoid the blows as he attempted to shove the alien off of him. "I meeeeeerely WISH TO PLEASE MY LEADERS, THE TALLEST, BY DESTROYING YOUR PITIFUL PLANET!! IS THAT SIMPLY TOO MUCH TO ASK?!"
"YES!" Dib shot back, gasping for breath as he grabbed Zim's skinny forearm and tried to force it away from his face. "How'd YOU like it if YOUR planet was being invaded by a HUMAN or something?"
Instead of introducing Zim to reason and logical arguments, however, the rebuttal merely angered him more. "IRK IS A MASSIVELY SUPERIOR PLANET COMPARED TO YOUR PITIFUL SLIME-SPHERE, LARVA OF WORMS!" he cried, grabbing up a handful of snow from a nearby drift and shoving it into Dib's face before the watery material could burn through his Irken gloves. Dib spluttered as he tried to wipe it off, but Zim was relentless in his anger and just kept shoveling it onto the human. "We Irkens are the most SUPREME race the Universe has ever SEEN! We—"
Both combatants froze in surprise as Zim was cut off by a small, drawn-out "Hell-looo." Taking advantage of Zim's distraction, Dib wiped the snow off his glasses and looked over to the elevator tube that led into the Cruiser's hangar. Standing right in front of it was GIR, grinning widely with his tongue stuck out of the corner of his mouth. He looked like he was trying very hard not to giggle, and succeeding only because he was giggling on the inside.
"GIR!" Zim snapped, standing up indignantly. Dib scurried away from Zim and got to his feet as well. "GIR, what are you doing? Can't you see that the great ZIIIIM is—"
Apparently GIR didn't give a hoot about what "the great ZIIIIM" was doing, as he plodded forwards until he was standing directly in front of both Zim and Dib. Then, without warning, the top of his head opened up. The human and Irken were a bit surprised by this, but not as surprised as they were when GIR reached inside his head and pulled out two small boxes, messily wrapped in green paper and with lopsided pink bows on top. At last giving in to the urge to giggle, GIR handed one to Zim and one to Dib. "Fer you, mastah, and fer mastah's friend!" he proclaimed proudly, then jumped into the air and waved his hands around crazily. "MERRY CHRISTMASEES!!"
Without even thinking to do so, Dib unwrapped the small gift, finding an obviously Irken box inside. Pressing a rather obvious button on the top of the box, the lid sprang open to reveal a small, deformed clay pig. Stunned, Dib took it out of the box and held it up. It was certainly meant to be a pig, although it was quite possibly the worst-made thing he had ever seen. Glancing speechlessly towards Zim in a state of utter confusion, he saw that the Irken, too, had in his hands a box with a similar-looking "pig" inside.
"What—" Dib began, but this time it was his turn to get cut off.
"WHAT IS THIS, GIR?!" Zim demanded, directing an angry finger at the box. GIR emitted another giggle, bending forwards innocently as he looked up at his master with wide, luminescent blue eyes and a protrudant tongue.
"I'z a piggy."
The Irken dropped the box to the floor with a clatter, though luckily the clay pig, while ill-formed, appeared to be indestructible. "I KNOW THAAAAAT!!" Zim snapped, although Dib suspected that he hadn't. The alien extended his arms in a show of frustration to all things small, gray-and-blue and named GIR. "But WHYYYYYY?!"
GIR clasped his hands together and straightened up, reciting mechanically. "Welllll, when a momma piggy an' a daddy piggy love each other a WHOOOOOOOOLE lot—"
It was Dib's secret pleasure that he now watched Zim completely lose his patience with the tiny robot. "But WHYYYYYYYYYYY," he enunciated meaningfully, "give one to ZIM and the pathetic Earth boy?!"
There was a pause, and GIR took in a deep breath as he ran a search through his data canister. "'Cus Chrissmas," he replied, looking somewhere far above his audience's heads, "is a time of givin' gifts an' bein' with friendz an' eatin' reeeeeal ol' fruitcake. I'z the time o' year where ev-er-y-ones is family, an' ev-er-y-ones looks out fer each other an' thinks of someone else before themselves. 'Cus ya never know when things is gonna be different, 'r when ye'r gonna die, 'r when ye'r gonna be vis-ee-ted by three ghosts who say ya gotta be nice ta peoples."
Zim and Dib looked on speechlessly at the tiny robot giving them the most moving lecture they'd ever heard in their lives. Even Zim, "mighty" Irken, had tears streaming down his small green face. "GIR—" he started meaningfully.
"NOT DONE YET!!" GIR screeched, silencing Zim immediately. He then resumed his kind and wise posture, continuing his speech.
"An' Chrissmas iz the one time o' year where evereyone c'n be happy an' peaceful. An' all yer wishes c'n come true if ye'r a good person an' ya save a fat guy in a red suit from drownin'. 'Cus whenever it'z snowin', everyone magically turns nice an' starts singin' alla' time. An' it's the time when li'l kids who're REAL sick have other peoples go on a journey fer 'em so they c'n get better. An' there're mooses that FLY!"
Dib paused as he heard this next installment in the dramatic monologue and started to have second thoughts about hearing the "meaning of Christmas" from this particular source. Zim, on the other hand, fell to his knees and started banging his fist on the floor, sobbing wildly. "STOP IT, GIR!!" he wailed piteously, choking on his own dark-colored tears. The sun was peeking just a little further over the horizon, giving the scene a mystical and almost corny look. "GIR, I cannot staaaaand the weight of these EARTH morals! STOP IMMEDIA-A-A-ATELYYYYY!!"
"JUST A MINUTE!!" the little robot insisted shrilly, then cupped his hands together again as he continued.
"An' anyones who tries ta steal Chrissmas will learn how good it is instead! 'Cus Chrissmastimes izn't Halloween! 'R Labor Day! An' no one likes 'good ol' Charlie Brown'! 'Cept the tree that MAGICALLY gets big! An' ev'rybody turns inta' cartoon characters an' give each other presentses so malls c'n make money! An' there were TALKIN' COWS!!"
Zim was really losing it now, grabbing hold of GIR's metal foot as he continued to bawl loudly. "PLEASE STOP, GIIIIIIIIIIR!!" he insisted. "YOU'RE CAUSING INTERNAL BLEEDING TO MY SQUEEDLYSPOOCH! PLEEEEE-EE-EEASE STO-O-OPPPP!!"
"AN'THERE'ZALOTOFGOODSTUFFSESINTHEWORLDAN'YAJUSTGOTTASEEITAN'THAT'ZWHATCHRISSMASISTHEEND!" GIR finished in a single breath, then applauded himself wildly before running off and smashing himself into a wall.
Not even listening to the giggling gibberish GIR was spouting in the corner, Zim stood up, almost totally recomposed as if he hadn't just been sobbing his organs out a moment before. He and Dib looked at each other for a second, then both of them turned away. Instead, their eyes were drawn to the rising sun glistening off a blanket of undisturbed white snow spread out as far as the eye could see. The streets were quiet for the moment. In a few hours every block on the street would be lit up brighter than an arcade as people across the city, maybe even across the continent got up to open their Christmas presents. But for now, it was almost serene.
At length Dib heard a grumbling cough from somewhere to his right, and glanced over to see Zim staring a hole into the new dawn.
"Perrrrrhaps, eh, being Christmas and all," the Irken begrudged, scratching his chin impulsively and refusing to face Dib, "I suppose I could HONOR you by allowing you the privilege of having your ship repaired by the amaaaazing Zim. BUT DON'T GET USED TO IT!"
Dib was more than a little surprised at this offer, but kept it off his face as best as he could. "Iiiiiiiin that case," he replied, affecting indifference, "I guess I would have to lay off trying to prove you're an alien. Ehhh...just for one day, of course."
There was another microscopic silence, which Zim once again broke. "Don't think this has changed anything, human," he remarked with a sort of airy detachment. "Your planet shall STILL fall to the brilliance of Zim."
Dib exhaled massively, and a hidden grin now emerged in its entirety. "Suuure it will, Zim. Suuuuuure it will."
They continued to watch the sun rise as Christmas Day officially broke. But not just for the two of them, standing there watching it. Not just for GIR, playing with the forgotten clay piggies.
For Gaz, tucked snugly in bed, hugging the vampire pig doll her brother had hidden as a Christmas present and smiling as she never did when she was awake.
For Professor Membrane, already hard at work at Membrane Labs genetically engineering a Christmas tree for his son and daughter.
For the Tallest, merrily blasting away at the Resisty ship and chowing down on Plookesian corn chips.
For Lard Nar, whose life at that moment wasn't very pleasant.
For Ms. Bitters, spending a not terribly rotten morning with the only one she ever loved, "You-Know-Who".
For the children in the "underground classrooms", who were having a bit of trouble teaching Cerberus to "heel".
For Tak, testing out her new makeshift ship and starting the first day in too long where she wouldn't be obsessed with planning revenge on Zim.
For Skoodge, attempting to gain information from MiMi on the subject of "New Year's".
For the almost-doomed penguins, who miraculously survived the fall through an amazing coincidence that can't be explained but involved an interspatial wormhole, two tons of sour cream and a pair of pliers.
For those fans of "dark-and-cynical" Zim who're retching their pancreases out reading this hopelessly sentimental list.
As the dawn of all these people's Christmases rose steadily above the horizon, Zim gave a huffy sort of snort and crossed his arms stubbornly. "Have a FILTHY Christmas, Dib," he muttered, although the position of his antennae betrayed the fact that he wasn't quite as deprecating as he sounded.
Dib nodded brightly, not even pretending to be miserable. "Merry Christmas, Zim."
Without warning, GIR leapt up behind the two and wrapped his cordlike arms around Zim's and Dib's shoulders, hugging them gleefully. Zim grumbled and Dib winced slightly, but neither of them actually moved. Exuberant with joy, GIR stuck out his tongue again and yelled very, very loudly.
"MERRY CHRIS'MAS, EVERYBODY!!"
"DECK the Earth with DOOM and Irkens, wa ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha haaa..."
Happy holidays, etc., etc. (FILTHY EARTH HOLIDAYS!!) Shut up, Zim! Heh...sorry, it's just he's tied to a chair right now because of the "INCIDENT" with the plasma grenade and my IZ DVDs...twitch...
OK, I REALLY hate doing author's notes in stories, since I think they detract from the story itself, but there's some stuff I have to clear up, sooooo...
FIRST AND FOREMOST: Anybody who's actually READ this whole thing must thank avatarjk137, without whom this story would not have been posted until NEXT Christmas. So, a very huge THANK YOOOOOOOU!! to avatar for helping me with the big battle scene starting in chapter 5 and for giving me the idea to use the Cruiser's energy pods and the claws on Tak's old ship. I am eternally in your debt...except, y'know, I won't help you hide any bodies.
SECOND: The ending is NOT, and should not be construed as, a ZADR moment. I am firmly of the (stubborn) opinion that if Zim didn't want to destroy the humans, and if Dib didn't want to save the humans and kill Zim, they could be great friends, but not quite so far as to have a romantic relationship. Yes, yes, extenuating circumstances, but see how well they work together in "Bolognius Maximus". (LIEEEEESSS!!) Shut up, Zim!
THIRD: On a related note, there's no "underlying ship" going on with the Tak and Skoodge scene at the beginning of chapter 6—she was just embarrassed 'cus she spent that whole time chewing him out and then then she realized that he'd just done something nice for her. I just needed to write about Tak's Christmas, and about Skoodge's, so I saved time and smushed their scenes together. As for the circumstances that brought them there...well, think up your own ideas. Any ZATRers and DATRers would assert that Tak somehow made her way to Earth, and according to the unfinished episode "Day of Da Spookies", Skoodge is also on the planet. I MIGHT deal with how Tak got there, but anyone else is welcome to give their own opinions.
LASTLY: Speaking of Skoodge, I'm working as an agent for the secret fundraising organization for "Save Invader Skoodge" (SIS). This week we're trying to raise enough cash to remove him from the inner workings of a Zargothian meat grinder. Irken monies are accepted, as well as any organ donations. Skoodge might be running a little short soon.
Thank you for reading, and, to quote my pal Marz the green planet, Merry Chrismahanakwanzaadan!