The days that follow Edward's departure drift from lavender to dark gray, but I can't show how truly devastated I feel to anyone but Jasper. I walk around with my tongue between my teeth and an ache in my heart, pretending that I'm thrilled about Edward's wonderful opportunity, and that I'm glad to be rid of my overbearing, protective brother. It feels like blasphemy.

The house is empty and quiet without him, and while I avoid the basement like it contains a plague, I've fallen asleep in Edward's bed a number of times. I guess it's because the basement was always Our Place and his bedroom feels like His Place, and I feel closer to him when I can stare up at the same ceiling he used to look at.

There was a bad storm the other night, so I went to his room and crawled under the bed. I'm not sure what my thinking was. It was dark, late at night and loud … and I felt horribly alone, so I squeezed myself into a small place.

Jasper says it will get easier, and that I've got to get it together before Dad starts wondering why I'm depressed. Dad says it's quieter without us always going head-to-head, although what he usually believed was Edward and I fighting was usually just Edward and I passionately poking fun at the other.

Oh, what I would give to have him here right now passionately poking fun at the bruise on my thigh from running into the corner table. He has a way of making me feel quirky and beautiful at the same time.

But the worst thing is, is that Edward hasn't even been gone a week yet.

Somehow, I've got to learn how to suck up this pain.

. . .

Dad won't let me drive to Notre Dame.

"He needs to settle in there before you go visiting him," he says. "It's only been a couple of weeks. Give it a month at least."

I'm flabbergasted … furious. It never even occurred to me that Dad wouldn't be on board with this idea.

"He can't come here. He doesn't even have a car!"

"There's a good reason for that, Bella. He's a first-time student away from home, and he needs a structured routine. And so do you, for that matter."

"I'm not asking," I tell him and I know I'm out of line and being unreasonable, but he's trying to stop me from seeing Edward and—and—that's not cool. "Besides, Edward is expecting me."

"Now don't make me be the bad guy, Bella. I'm not saying no to punish you or Edward, but for both of your own good. You both need to get used to the way things are now before you go racing after him."

"I won't be racing after him," I say. "I'll drive the speed limit."

He sighs and pulls my stiff body into a hug. "If I let you go today, before you're used to him not being here, and he's not used to not being here, it'll just prolong the pain of separation. Give yourselves a chance to acclimate first, Bella. That's all I'm saying."

"But I miss him," I choke. "I was so looking forward to this."

"I'm sorry, Bell, I'm sorry." And he swings us back and forth in a hug that almost soothes me. "But do you at least see the sense of what I'm saying?"

I think about it. I imagine arriving there and then having to say goodbye to Edward again, and I can't get past the goodbye part. I'm still stuck on campus with one foot in the truck and one foot on the ground. Also, I'm not letting go of Edward. And so while it irritates me to pieces, I do understand what he's saying.

But I don't like it, not one bit.

"Yes," I sigh in defeat.

"Why don't I take you and Sue out to dinner and a movie tonight?" Dad says. "Sue likes a good horror flick, too."

Sue, I found out, is a man's woman. She actually likes fishing, gutting and cleaning them, and she can put up a tent by herself. She doesn't wear makeup, but then she doesn't need it—she's got a Madonna's face and attitude. She's exactly what my dad needs: a woman who knows how to be devoted without a lot of muss or fuss.

And so I go see a bloody horror movie on Saturday night with my dad and his girlfriend.

. . .

"So how was it? How'd you do?" I ask Edward.

It's nine o'clock, our designated time for a phone call. I'm sitting on my bed with my arms wrapped around myself, pretending they're Edward's. Today was his first fencing tournament at the college.

"It was good. There are some strong opponents here."

His voice is warm, deep and mellow. "That's it? Well, how'd you place?"

"Um, I came in first today."

I gasp. "Don't make me have to drag the good news out of you," I tell him.

"It was just a warm-up tournament. I could easily drop to third on the next one."

"No, you're too good. Accept it," I tell him.

He laughs. He sounds good. Happy almost, which I like at the same time I don't trust it because how can he be happy without me?

It's been almost four weeks since I've seen his face or felt the warmth of his touch, and I'm trying to sound normal. Or something close to whatever that is for me.

"I miss you," he says suddenly. "Are you coming this Saturday?"

I collapse against the bed with sigh. "If Dad doesn't change his mind," I say. "Of course, it doesn't matter if he does change his mind, I'm hiding the keys to the truck Friday night. I'm coming, I promise."

"No, you're not. Not if he says no."

Now I shoot back up. "What? Don't you want to see me?!"

"More than anything," he says firmly. "But I don't want you getting in trouble because that'll just make it harder for you to come the next time. And us getting to see each other depends on you actually getting here, Bella."

"Okay," I say. "I'm with you. I'll be so good, Dad will think I've fallen from Heaven."

"You mean you haven't already?"

I blush and roll my eyes. Even when he's being corny-sweet, I turn to mush.

I tell him about the troubles I'm having with math and government, about how Rose and Emmett are officially dating again, about Sue's awful fish stew and how even Dad didn't like it.

He tells me about how his roommate accidently exploded a hotdog in their dorm room-illegal microwave, that I would love running around St. Mary's Lake, that his classes are harder than he was expecting, and how he loves riding his bike around the campus.

He never mentions anything about any girls, although I know there are girls. And I don't mention anything about the new boy at school being interested in me.

"I miss seeing you first thing in the morning," he says.

"I miss your face," I sigh.

It's the beginning of our goodnight ritual.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow, sweet girl," he says.

"I love you."

"I love you more."

I always like falling asleep with the sound of his voice in my mind. Tonight, our phone call continues in my dreams. Somehow Edward and I are together on my bed and we're kissing, and then the bed morphs into a table at the school cafeteria. And Dad and Mom are both there, eating chicken tenders and fries and watching me and Edward kiss.

I wake up instantly and feel gypped.

. . .

I'm on Notre Dame Avenue and my stomach is in my throat. I'm so excited I'm shaking. Edward told me to park at the visitor's lot at Holy Cross and Eddy. His hall is all the way across campus from the visitor's parking lot, but he said he'd be waiting for me. And besides, it's not like I'm not noticeable in the big red Ford Ranger I'm driving.

I've just pulled into the lot's entrance when I see a copper-haired boy on a bike. Edward's racing up the walk towards me! I stop immediately where I am, throw the truck in park, and push the truck door open. And he's there pulling me into his arms. We both moan as we come together, and my heart is racing and I can tell his is, too.

Our kiss is sloppy, wet and kind of desperate.

"I've missed you," he says at the same time I'm saying that I love him.

And then someone honks a horn right behind us, because I'm still at the entrance to the lot, and we jump apart in a daze. Edward throws his bike into the truck bed and hops into the passenger seat.

"Let's park Red and go for a walk."

We kiss some more once I find a parking space, and Edward pulls me from my seat over onto his lap. His hands are all over me, caressing my back, my side, my leg and then cupping my butt.

"Did you have any trouble getting here?" he asks against my mouth.

"No," I say when he lets me come up for air again. "It was pretty much a straight shot."

His fingers are warm against my face. "I'm so glad to see you."

I laugh because he can't stop kissing me, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I feel hyper-energized because I've made the drive all on my own, so I know I can do it now. I can come see him when I need to.

"I wish I could stay the night," I tell him as we make our way across Holy Cross to Notre Dame Avenue. He wants to take me to the St. Mary's River.

"There's a Fairfield Inn just past where you came in. Right off campus," he tells me as our hands swing between us.

"I'll ask Dad, but he probably won't let me stay. First time and all," I say.

He yanks me to him in a hard hug. We're already thinking of the goodbye and I've only just gotten here.

"Well, if not, next time, then," he says.

And we seal the promise with a kiss.

"This place is humongous." But gorgeous.

The leaves are changing colors, and the buildings are of stone and majesty, and the sun is shining. It's a perfect day, and there are students everywhere. Some of them are playing Frisbee, some are sitting on blankets under trees, and some are walking hand-in-hand just like we are.

I feel like I'm a part of it all. I feel free. Normal even. No one knows us here. We can hold hands, hug and kiss if we want to. And we do. Often. It's like we're drunk. On each other. And we can't ever get enough.

"Hey, Swan."

Edward and I turn toward the male who spoke our name and at first my heart is beating too hard. I think Edward's is, too, because his grip tightens on me before he relaxes again.

"Hey, Evans."

Evans is tall, sandy-haired and wearing a pair of roller blades. "Is this her?" he asks.

"This is her," Edward says. "Bella, this is my roommate Tom. Tom, this is my girlfriend, Bella."

It's the first time he's ever addressed me this way. He told me he would, but it's not the same as hearing it. And for the first time ever, it feels real—our relationship feels like a real possibility.

"Nice to meet you, Bella. You're more beautiful in person, you know. You're a lucky guy, Swan."

Edward's hand lowers to my hip. "I know."

Tom notices and smiles while I blush. "Well, I won't keep you two. I know he's missed the hell out of you. See you later."

I watch him skate away and grin at Edward. "So I'm your girlfriend."

He grins back at me. "And I'm your boyfriend."

"Are we going to make it?" I ask as we continue our walk.

"Why wouldn't we?"

"Long distance relationships usually don't work out," I joke because I know we're going to make it.

He pokes me in the side. "We're not long distance, we're short distance. And only for about eight more months. Plus, it's you and me. We're different."

"Damn straight we are."

And when we're sitting at the edge of the St. Mary's, I take it further because I have to hear that he feels the same way I do because there are so many girls here. And almost every one of them I noticed, noticed Edward.

"So no girl's been trying to get you out on a date?"

He sighs and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. "Some have tried, yes. But I know what I have and what I want, Bella, and it's not anyone else but you. I think a part of me has always felt that way."

His eyes are soft and searching, totally open to me. And he's looking doubtful now, maybe even scared.

"But a part of me thinks that maybe you need the same chance to figure this out, too."

And he stares down at his legs fiercely, trying to hide his anguish from me.

"What?" I ask and turn his face to mine.

He tries to smile and fails. Seeing his pain breaks my heart. What, what, what is he talking about?

"You … haven't really dated anyone," he says. "James doesn't really count because I didn't let you have a chance with him."

I scoot closer to him on the grass and drag his hand into my lap. "I didn't want a chance with Jamie. Not after you, Edward. Don't you trust me to know my own mind?"

He shakes his head, then hauls me close to kiss me. "You're so young," he breathes.

"So are you," I say and push him gently away. "But that doesn't mean we don't know how we feel. We feel the way we feel. I don't want anyone but you, Edward."

His beautiful face is anguished again. "But how do you know?"

"I just do," I say. "So suck it up. Stop it with this."

He brings my hand to his lips and kisses me there. I go gooey.

"I have an idea," he says slowly.

I sigh.

"If you … if someone asks you out this year … I want you to go."

Now I'm glaring at him, but he's still not looking at me.

"I want you to know that you're making the right decision when you move here next year, Bella."

"I already know—"

He holds his finger against my lips. "Once you move here, if you move in with me next year, things will change, Bella. You think I was overprotective and possessive before? Wait until next year. I've held back with you because … well, because. You and me living under Dad's roof will be different than you and me living together in our own home."

"I'm counting on that," I say. "Back home, I'm your sister. Here, I'll be your girlfriend."

He raises his eyes to mine. They're fierce now, a stormy dark green. "You'll be more than that," he tells me lowly. "And I need for you to be sure about it. I need you to be sure about me, about us. Please."

"I don't know how much more sure I can be," I tell him helplessly. "Dating some other guy isn't going to change that."

He tugs my hair. "Hopefully not, but how are you going to know if you don't give someone else a chance?"

"You want me to date other guys?" I snap and jerk back from him. "You want me to make out with them and see if I might like them better than I do you?"

He looks pained again. "Yes."

I gasp.

"But don't tell me when you do, Bella, or else I'll go crazy."

"Too late," I tell him. "You're already obviously crazy."

Why is he doing this? Why now, when I have to leave in a few hours?

"I want you to know bone-deep that it's me you want," he says. "And you can only know that if you see other people."

I shove him to the ground, then straddle his stomach. "So essentially, you're saying that I don't know crap about how I feel."

His hands come to rest on my hips. He looks both vulnerable and fierce right now, and I want to kiss him and slap him.

"I'm asking you to think about who you are and what you want. For us. Aren't we worth it, Bella?"

My eyes are full of angry tears.

"I'm not likely to give you another chance like this," he tells me. "Just think about it."

I stare at my hands on his chest. He's wearing a white and green t-shirt, school colors, which do wonderful things for his hair and eyes. He's a friggen god. And he loves me, but he wants me to date other guys just to make sure that I really love him.

He's an idiot.

"And are you going to be dating other girls again to make sure you know what you want?" I sniff.

He lifts his leg, pushes and we've switched positions.

"No, Bella. I've told you. I know who I am and who I want."

"But those were just high school girls," I tell him. "Not real relationships."

"They were real enough to me."

I scoff. "I can't believe you're asking me to do this."

He kisses me into silence. And then, "I can't either. Just don't tell me when you go out, or with who because it'll drive me mad."

I don't plan to tell him anything of the sort, because I don't plan on doing anything of the sort.

"What happens twice in a moment, once in a minute, but never in a billion years?" I ask him because I'm tired of talking about this.

"Haven't got a clue," he sighs and leans his forehead against my shoulder.

We eat lunch on the patio at a place called Reckers, and we hold hands and kiss openly. Afterwards, we walk some more. We talk about anything and everything but what he wants me to. And we kiss and wish we could go somewhere private.

Edward tells me he's going to make sure he gets high scores in all his classes so he can bring his car back with him in December.

"Then you won't have to drive up here anymore," he tells me.

"I don't mind driving up here," I say. "You're here. I'd drive twice as far if I had to."

He pulls me close and holds me tightly. And all too soon, it's time for me to leave.

"I'll see you in a couple of weeks," he tells me as we stand beside Red.

My throat is tight and I'm trying not to cry. I don't want to leave him. And his arms don't want to seem to let me go. This goodbye hurts as much as the first time, if not more.

"I love you so much," I tell him, and I wish I could just fade into him, be a part of him.

He leans his forehead against mine. "I love you more."

"No, you don't," I sob.

He pushes me by the butt up into the driver's seat and I squeak.

"Go," he says. "Before you make me cry, too. Get home safely. Text me when you get there."

And he closes my door softly and smiles sadly at me from the other side of the window.

I yell and scream during the drive home, but it isn't until I pull into the driveway that I break down in tears.

I'm home, I text him.

But I'm not, not anymore, because he's where home is. Even if he's not sure that I'm sure about that.

. . .

Bella's riddle answer for Edward: the letter M.

So … am I going to have to resort to bribery just to get you people to comment? Aren't the characters worth it?

Let me know you want me to continue writing this story. I'm close to begging here … it's really embarrassing … I don't know if I can eek out another chapter unless a bunch of somebodies say a bunch of somethings.