A/N: I did some of my homework last night, so I think I'm entitled to work on this. I swear, it's an addiction. I'm going cross-eyed trying to finish this and stay awake:) I'm not an evil person, I promise. I don't kill chracters, no matter how small they are. Rest assured.
Casey stared out of the window at the people passing below. She wondered if they had any idea what went on above them. She turned around and crossed her arms with a determined resolve not to cry. She had to be strong for Olivia. She walked over to the chair and resumed her position.
"I wish someone would call. Is it that hard to just pick up the damn phone?" Olivia started sobbing and brought a hand to her mouth in shame.
"No news is good news, right?" Casey held Olivia's shaking hand and gave it a squeeze.
"Elliot and I promised not to curse in front of the baby. I know it sounds silly, but I just didn't…I didn't want him to hear anything bad. I wanted to protect him and while I was sleeping he was in the nursery fighting for his life. I wanted to hold him but I was so sore. I should have waited until Elliot got back. I shouldn't have let them take him back." Olivia bunched up the edges of the blanket with her right hand. Her knuckles were white from the grip she had on the material.
"Don't blame yourself, Olivia. You couldn't have known. If you want to blame someone, blame the nurse. Where's she at in all this?" Casey felt a stab of guilt, herself. She should have been more persistent.
"I just want to hold him. What if he's in pain?" Olivia clamped her eyes shut and shook her head.
"They won't let him hurt, sweetie. He's probably sleeping. You know how much babies get when they're first born. Do you think he snores like Elliot?" Casey smiled warmly as Olivia grinned slightly.
"I was such a mess, Casey. I think they heard me two halls over. It just came as such a shock. I had no idea anything was wrong with him. I thought once he was born we'd get the break we needed, you know? It makes me sick worrying about him. He's only a day old. I'm supposed to protect him. What Elliot must be going through…I'm not there for my husband." Olivia gently pulled her hand from Casey's and sighed dejectedly.
"You're supposed to get better so you can see your son. Elliot's with him. Don is with Elliot. Your guys are fine, Liv. Do you feel like you want to pump some more? There's a whole box of bottles." Casey scooted the stand over to the bed, knowing what the answer would be.
"Yeah. I should get some more ready for them to take over. Last night he didn't eat much. I thought it was because he just wasn't on a schedule yet. I tried to nurse him but he hardly ate. I don't even know my own child. He…he was struggling and I didn't notice. He couldn't breathe to eat. It's so clear now but I didn't know. I didn't know." Olivia started to cry once again in earnest.
"I know you didn't." Casey just held her heartbroken friend. Whatever she'd planned on saying next was lost in the gut-wrenching sobs of the woman next to her. A mother plagued by unrest because she couldn't hold her infant son. A mother without a purpose.
ooo
Down the street at another hospital, Don Cragen sat in an empty waiting room. He eyed the wall phone, wishing he had something to tell Olivia. The television was tuned to a kid show, an effort by some parent to bring a sense of normalcy to a young sibling's life. He sat and watched the muted show, hoping that he'd get the chance to do the same while sitting next to a little Stabler. He leaned his head back on the wall and looked to his right. He jumped up when he saw his detective come through the double doors.
"Thanks for staying, Cap." Elliot stood with his hands in his pockets. He rocked back on his feet and shifted his weight forward once again repeatedly.
"Not a problem. What'd they say?" Cragen braced himself for the news. Good or bad, he'd be ready.
"Pneumonia. The X-Ray at the other hospital caught it and the NICU here is more equipped to handle sick babies. He's a sick little boy, Captain. There are babies in there half his size in these cribs with little blankets covering them. Zane…he's in this enclosure so they can give him oxygen. They didn't even cover him up. He's…he's just in this diaper with this tube down his throat so he can eat. What am I going to tell her?" Elliot sank into the nearest chair and held his head in his hands as he sobbed openly.
"He's strong, Elliot. He'll pull through this. It's still fresh, all this. It's new and once the newness wears off you'll be able to see the improvements." Cragen remained standing and laid a firm hand on the younger man's shoulder as the distraught man took a few calming breaths.
"I feel so helpless. I'm his father. I knew something was wrong and I let some stranger tell me he was fine. I'm a detective. I'm supposed to notice things. Casey's the one who saw it. I missed it by a mile, and what'd I do? I left Olivia alone to deal with that. I should have been there. I just…I can't imagine what it was like finding out like that. I…what do I do?" Elliot blew out a breath of air and turned his head to look down the hall.
"Yes you can, because you love those two like your life depends on it. It's tearing you up inside because you know how hard it was for her to deal with all that alone. She was in pain, tired, and beating herself up because she felt like she was to blame, too. You can't go back in time. You didn't know. Now pick up the phone and call your wife. Then, go in there and be with your son. Talk to him. Just be there, because that is what's going to get Olivia through this." He walked to small nook in the wall and pulled out the chair before picking up the receiver. He held it up in the air and watched Elliot wipe his eyes and sit down. He handed him the phone and walked out of the room, granting him the privacy he needed to muster up the strength to tell his wife that their little boy was fine.
ooo
"…and try and take it easy. A lot of people fail to realize that a C-Section is surgery. I know under the circumstances I can't stand here and tell you to go home and relax, but listen to your body. If you're tired, get some rest. If you're in pain, take something for it. I'll prescribe you a few day's worth of narcotics so you can switch to over-the-counter medications later on. I will caution you on that, though, as some medications aren't for nursing mothers. I'll give you a list of the ingredients to look out for. Come back in tomorrow and we'll remove the staples. No lifting, climbing stairs. Ask for assistance if you need it, even if you don't. I'll have the nurse bring your discharge papers in and we'll let you go see your son." The doctor tore out the prescription and post-surgery information before leaving the two women alone.
"Guess you're sprung." Casey supported Olivia under her arm and helped her stand.
"It feels like someone kicked me in the stomach." Olivia paused when she thought about the baby was, not long ago, inside her womb.
"Come on. Let's get you changed. I'll drive you over." Casey led Olivia into the bathroom and untied Olivia's gown for her so that she could slip it off. The thin material fell to the floor. She bunched the fabric of the shirt up and slipped it over her friend's head. She waited for her to get her arms through and pulled the shirt away from her body so it didn't rub against the incision.
"Thank you, Casey. This goes above and beyond…well…everything. It's funny after all the check-ups and everything your modesty goes out the window. I'm so glad to get rid of the catheter, though." Olivia held onto the bar attached to the wall and lifted each leg up so Casey could pull her pants over her legs.
"Remind me of that when I actually meet someone. I think I'll adopt." Casey laughed, trying to lighten the somber mood that had settled in the hospital room.
"Can you help me sit down? I want to put my socks on." Olivia let go of the bar and adjusted the waistband of her pants.
"You should probably do that on the bed. I don't want you to slip and fall. Yours don't have grips on them." Casey led Olivia back out and helped her to sit on the bed. She marveled at how willing Olivia was to let her help.
"I'm so glad they're releasing me. I would have signed myself out, if they hadn't." Olivia was relieved when the nurse walked back in with the release papers. She was that much closer to seeing her son.
"Sorry about the wait. The printer jammed. Of course, all the men stood around while the women got in there got it fixed. Here you go. I just need you to read this over and sign by the 'x'." She handed Olivia the form and a pen and went about updating the information in the computer.
"Thank you for being so understanding." Olivia looked down at Casey, who was finishing tying up her shoes. She thought she'd have to fight tooth and nail to be released after just 48 hours.
"Congratulations, Olivia. I know I'm not supposed to do say this because it's a rivalry of sorts, but he's in good hands. They're more than capable of taking care of your son. I'm just sorry it wasn't caught sooner." She remembered the nurse from before and her avoidance. She couldn't believe the lady could be so callous.
"Thank you. That means a lot to me. Am I free to go?" Olivia was more than ready to get out of there. She wanted to wring the nurse's neck. The lady hadn't even asked about her son. Witch. She applauded her ability to keep her thoughts in check.
"Yes, you are. Take a seat. Do you have all your things?" She smiled at Casey as they helped Olivia sit down in the wheelchair.
"I've got your bag, Liv. Everything's all there." Casey stood back as the nurse wheeled Olivia out and into the hall. She'd been lucky enough to find a close spot and jogged ahead to pull the car up.
"Take care, you two. Best of luck. I'll check in on you tomorrow, Olivia." She helped Olivia into the car and held the door open as Casey gently pulled her seat belt around her. Bending down, she clicked the latch into place and shut the door. As the car drove off, she couldn't help but feel responsible for the little boy down the road.
"Look, I know you and Elliot are going to want to stay with Zane. Promise you'll call if you need anything?" Casey pulled into the lot and walked around to help Olivia out. They slowly made their way up the walk.
"I will. Could you do me a huge favor and get my prescription filled? I want to be able to concentrate on him. It's not about me now." Olivia slowed her stride a little as she neared the sign on the wall.
"This way." Casey directed Olivia toward the pharmacy and waited patiently while the order was filled. Thankfully, she didn't have to wait an hour for the medication. She whipped out her debit card and punched in her pin.
"Write down how much I owe you and I'll pay you back when I have my purse." Olivia cringed at how much a few days worth of pills had cost.
"Don't worry about it. Save your money for the cafeteria. I got you something you could take when those run out." She handed Olivia the bag and pushed the elevator button. The ride up was quiet. She locked eyes with Olivia, knowing she was gearing up for what she would see. The elevator slowed and the doors opened, revealing a concerned Donald Cragen.
"Hey." Cragen leaned awkwardly and embraced her, careful of her tender abdomen.
"Thank you so much for being here." Olivia returned his embrace and held it. She had a feeling he needed it just as much as she did. She pulled away, wiping a tear from her eye.
"Hey, none of that. How are you feeling?" Cragen gave her a once-over.
"Okay. Sore, but okay. Casey was nice enough to get me some good drugs. Physically, I'll feel better in a while." She opened the bag and read the label on the bottle before shaking out two tablets.
"Here. I don't have cooties." Cragen handed her the half-empty bottle of water he'd been carrying around and watched her sip it slowly.
"Remember, anything at all and you call me." Casey gave Olivia a quick hug and felt Don's arm wrap around her back. With all that had happened, he knew how upset Casey had been. She mumbled her appreciation for the gesture and out of the corner of her eye saw his eyes glistening with tears. They said nothing as they walked into the elevator. The doors soon closed, leaving alone with her thoughts.
Olivia walked up to the double doors and pushed one open. She was instantly met with the smell of the sterilized environment that existed behind the two glass doors. They opened instantly as she approached. She stepped inside slowly and looked around. She saw the face of her husband and bit her lip as it began to quiver.
He was there before the first tear fell. He gathered her into his arms and rocked her back and forth while gently holding the back of her head. He ran his arm down her back and up again in a comforting motion.
She couldn't talk; she just let him hold her. Be there for her like she'd been needing since she'd watched him run out of the hospital room the previous day. She sniffled and felt him pull away.
He grasped her face gently and wiped away her tears with the pads of his thumbs. He placed a kiss on her forehead and pulled her close to him as he picked up the clipboard and signed her name on it. He jotted down the time and set the clipboard back down. He pulled the nozzle on the sanitizer and rubbed the foam over her hands before wrapping an arm around her and leading her around the corner. He tightened the grip he had on her side and listened for the gasp that he knew would come soon. He pulled her head to his shoulder and stared down into the hard, clear plastic.
The sounds around them died down. The frenzied movements of the nurses stilled as they watched. He pointed here and there, explaining the wires and tubes that helped deliver all the things necessary for their son to get better. She nodded when he asked her if she wanted to touch him and handed her a pair of gloves. He tied the yellow strings on the sterile paper covering that masked her clothes. Ever so slowly, she opened the latch and opened the round door. She gathered her thoughts and inched her hand forward until it rested on his stomach, just above his diaper. She stroked the skin, wishing she could feel the softness with her fingers. She soothed him as he slept. Light enough not to wake him, but just enough to feel that she was there. She whispered softly, her voice carrying through the opening. Mommy's here.