"Do you think it hurts him?" Olivia saw the nurse attach a syringe to the tube that went into Zane's stomach and pull the plunger up. The tube soon turned white as the excess milk was removed.
"It doesn't look like it's bothering him. The nurse said they need to get everything out of his stomach before they feed him again." Elliot watched as a new bag of milk was placed in the machine. With the punch of a button, the bag began to slowly empty.
"I feel so full. I need to pump some more." More than anything, Olivia wanted to be the one feeding her son. It was her job.
"Do you want to go now?" Elliot saw her hesitation and frowned.
"In a little bit. I want to watch him for a while. I like feeding time." Olivia eyed the nurse as she left to tend to her other babies.
"Me, too. It's like a reminder that he's growing stronger. They added a little to his feedings." Elliot remembered the nurse telling him how much Zane was eating.
"Good." Olivia rubbed her eyes and sighed. The past few days were catching up with her. She ran her hands up and down her arms as a chill went through her body. She shivered in response.
"I'm going to get some fresh air. Do you need anything from the vending machine?" Elliot couldn't remember the last time Olivia had gotten anything to eat or drink.
"No, thanks, honey." She smiled as he turned to leave. The moment he was gone, all the tension returned. She'd been trying to remain cool and collected around him. She didn't want him to know how much she was falling apart.
She sat there watching her little boy sleep. The sight of the IV's in his little wrist and foot was still unnerving. Although he slept most of the time, he still moved around. The nurse had threatened to move the IV from his hand to his head, something that made her stomach churn. She and Elliot were adamant about them not doing so, and had expressed their opinions accordingly. She heard a rustle when she moved her foot and glanced down. She pulled a half-torn magazine out from under her chair and smiled. Elliot had stashed a Sports Illustrated that he'd been reading. It made her heart swell to know that he was reading to their son. She reminded herself to buy the little baseball onesie she'd seen in the gift shop. She set the magazine back down and let her mind wander.
He put it off as long as he could. He took a walk, got some air, drank some coffee and came back to deliver the final blow to the crumbling fortress that was holding her together. For him. For Zane. He knew what it would do to her. He'd seen the signs all day. The flushed cheeks, bouts of shivering and droopy eyelids. And if he had to place money on it, the twinges of pain with each movement. She wasn't taking care of herself. He'd placed her medications in his jacket pocket so he'd know if she was taking them. He wanted to know that while their little boy was too weak to wake up, she would remain strong and healthy. Asking that of her was like asking a pig to fly and he'd expected her to remain stoic beside the little enclosure. She kept vigil all night and day and into the thirty-six hour mark the nurse had approached him and given him the news.
She watched him approach slowly, as if time stopped only for her. She looked around and saw the nurses moving about their duties. One glanced her way with a sad, knowing smile. Olivia felt her heart begin to race, as he got closer. She gripped both sides of the chair when he kneeled down next to her.
He pried one hand from the chair, then the other, before placing her hands in his. He stared up into her tear-filled eyes in horror. He kicked himself for scaring her. He'd made her think something was wrong with their son. He kissed her on the forehead and calmed her, telling her that Zane was still resting comfortably and that his condition hadn't changed.
She sighed in relief and pulled into a tight embrace. She winced when her sore abdomen made itself known. She wanted to know what was going on. If their son was doing fine, then there must be a reason he looked so sullen. She asked if he was alright and a nod soon followed.
He pulled back from her, and placed his hands on her arms to steady her for what he was about to say. To steady himself. He cleared his throat and said the four words that he knew would break her.
"I have to leave? Wh...why? What's wrong?" Olivia shook her head and darted her gaze back to her son.
"He's fine, honey, but you aren't. You're burning up. I'm so sorry, sweetie, but you can't be here if you're sick." He pushed back an errant bang and tucked it away, only to have it break free when she shook her head.
"Don't say it. Please?" Olivia cocked her head to the side and pleaded with her eyes. She couldn't bear to be away from her son again.
"You could get one of the babies sick. You're miserable. You haven't taken any of your pills. I counted them, Olivia. You're in pain, you're tired and you're freezing cold." Elliot watched a tear fall and blinked away a few, himself.
"I only got to hold him twice. I just want to touch him. I hate these stupid gloves. I want to hold him. Why can't I hold him?" She eyed the opening and reached out but pulled her hand back.
"He needs to get better; then you can hold him all you want. They sent his blood work to another state. It'll take a while. Maybe a few more days. Once the results come back and they know what's going on with him, then maybe you can hold him. For now, we have to let him sleep and get better. He's probably just got pneumonia like they think. It's okay to leave him for a bit. You just got out of the hospital, yourself." Elliot lightly pulled on the bracelet she still wore from being admitted. He wanted to cut it off for her, but kept forgetting to find a pair of scissors.
"I know. I'm sorry. I wanted to be strong for him but I just…I can't function knowing he's in there. I know you wanted me to come to you. I know I should have taken the drugs but I wanted to be strong for him. We were supposed to take him home. I'll never forgive myself if I get him sick." She sniffled and let the tears fall.
"You are strong, but your body has been through a lot. That's why you need to take what they gave you. Come on. You can pump some more while I call Casey. Then, you're going to take your medicine so that by the time you get home, you can get some rest. Okay?" He watched her hesitate before nodding. It was increasingly difficult to stay awake, himself, and he wondered how much longer he could handle it. He helped her stand and waited for her to say her goodbye's to their son.
She took off her gloves and touched the plastic enclosure with a bare hand. She felt like a stranger and wondered when he was older if he would hate her for not being there longer than she had been. She sighed and held her hands firmly to her sides. She felt a tug on her arm and reluctantly walked away. One last fleeting glance over her shoulder, and she was gone.
Thirty minutes later, Elliot checked his watch again. He stifled a yawn and pushed off the wall as the door opened to the small room. He peered inside and saw her gathering the bottles. He quickly took them before they dropped to the floor.
"Thanks." She handed him the last glass bottle and waited for him to return from taking them to the nurses. For the first time, she noticed his haggard expression. He looked as if he hadn't had a decent night's sleep in days. Truth be told, he hadn't and she felt like she'd failed him.
"You can come back when you're feeling better. You need to get some sleep, though. Are those pills kicking in yet?" He slipped an arm around her waist and walked her to the curb.
"Yeah. The pain is less noticeable. Promise you'll get some sleep, too?" She slipped her index and middle fingers under his hand and wrapped them partially around his pinky.
"I will. I've got a few hours until his next feeding." He saw Casey pull up and turned to face Olivia. He leaned in and kissed her fully on the lips. He pulled away as Casey jogged around to open the door.
"Hey. Good timing. Ready, Liv?" Casey held open the door and stepped aside to let her in.
"I guess. Thanks for coming, Case." Olivia gave Elliot a quick peck on the cheek and got in the car. She grabbed her seat belt and pulled it across her as he shut the door. She returned his wave and mouthed that she loved him. She leaned her head back on the headrest and closed her eyes. Emotionally and physically, she was spent.
ooo
Casey slowly opened the door and poked her head in. It hadn't taken Olivia long to fall asleep in the car. She'd hated to wake her but there was no other way to get her inside. Twenty minutes later, Olivia had been dead to the world. It had been four hours since the detective had fallen asleep. She made her way to the bed and gently nudged her friend. Instantly, Olivia shot out of bed.
"What? What is it?" Olivia sat up in bed, disoriented.
"I didn't mean to scare you. I wanted to have you take some more medicine. I'm so sorry, Olivia!" Casey laid a hand on her friend's trembling shoulder.
"Elliot hasn't called? Everything's okay?" Olivia took a few deep breaths, willing her racing heart to beat at a slower rate.
"Zane is doing fine. Elliot called about an hour ago after the feeding." Casey poured out a couple of the pills from each bottle and handed them to Olivia, along with a tepid glass of water.
"Good. Yeah, that's good." Olivia downed the pills and set the glass down. She placed a hand over her sore abdomen. The rapid movement from waking up hadn't helped things.
"Are you okay? I really am sorry. I wasn't thinking." Casey stepped back so Olivia could swing her legs over the side of the bed and held her arm out so she could rise up.
"No, it's okay. I just…I guess I'm on overload. I panicked." Olivia walked slowly to the door and down the hall.
"Do you want anything to eat? I've got some soup. You really should eat something with your medication. You do look like you're feeling better, by the way." Casey cleared the couch off and grabbed an accent pillow from beside the coffee table so Olivia could sit up.
"I think I just overdid it. They said I could come back up tomorrow if everything goes well. I can't be up there for twenty-four hours. And soup is fine. I really appreciate this, Casey. You don't know how much this means to me." With Casey's help, Olivia eased down onto the couch.
"Okay. Well, here's the remote. Holler if you need anything." Casey went about making the soup. She wasn't much of a cook, but soup was the one thing she had mastered. She'd spent many nights studying for exams and it was the only thing her stomach could handle. She watched the water and used the time to try to think of something to keep Olivia occupied.