Disclaimer: I do not own any recognisable characters in this Fan Fiction. I also don't own the title of this chapter as it is the title of a song by Kelly Clarkson on which this chapter is based

Chapter 3: Behind These Hazel Eyes

Rose had realised a long time ago that she was numb. She had recognised it when she realised the only way she could feel was when she was laughing and she felt the happiness fill her heart. Other than those very rare occasions she was numb. She always felt left out when she couldn't cry at movies at the points she knew she was supposed to; she knew that her heart was black, broken and sorrowful but she had never understood why. She hadn't known that she could become completely numb until the summer though. That was why she could do all those... things with the boys she'd met. She let herself become disjointed, not herself, when she was with them. She did those things and felt truly euphoric but it wasn't her. That was another thing she did just to feel; along with laughing harder than a normal person and, obviously, the drugs.

She stood in the shower letting the water run over her with her arms crossed over her chest. This was when she was most unfeeling, when she had just woken up, she would stay under the water not only to wake herself up but also to try and create feeling in her body; in her heart. She stepped out and went over the events of the last week. It was Saturday which meant sitting in the library studying, lunch, Hogsmeade and then a few discreet drops of vodka before dinner. No one seemed to notice that she was quite unless she was in the classroom. She would laugh when required, answer when asked a question talk when spoken to but she was never really around her friends and cousins anymore. Hell, her boyfriend had to hunt for her to even have a hug.

She spent most of her time hidden in the library, running from reality. The books she read were to study but she would immerse herself in them to escape from the open world. Writing the essays was her own form of sanctuary. She didn't have to think about why her heart was broken without falling in love or the fact that she was scared that she would do something she regretted with Tom or the fact that she didn't regret kissing Malfoy at all. It didn't make sense. So she buried herself in the books that stated fact and didn't conflict, unless it was a controversial subject.

She ate breakfast in her little shell and distanced herself from the crowd. She liked to eat in solitude; it helped her to slowly dwindle from existence. She was not sure what made her brave enough for her to end up in Gryffindor, she was descended from two Gryffindors, one of who's family had always been Gryffindor, but that shouldn't mean that she was a Gryffindor by definition.

The library was almost empty apart from Rose and few Ravenclaws who were cramming for their exams earlier than the rest of the school. Why couldn't she have been put in Ravenclaw, they seemed like people she could relate to. She got back to her book about the many uses of the Polysquiggle Root when she suddenly heard a thump on the table across from her. She looked up to see Albus; his green eyes looking at her accusingly. What had she done now? The more perplexed she got, the more accusing the look became until suddenly she heard him actually growl with frustration. She looked back, shocked at the sudden animal behaviour of her cousin. She needed answers. Fast.

"What?" she asked wishing he wouldn't flip at the question,

"What do you mean what?! You've been avoiding us, all! Tom is getting really annoying; constantly asking where you are, although if he doesn't know that by now he clearly doesn't know you that well, and now, on a Hogsmeade weekend, you are sat in the library doing homework. And then you have the nerve to ask what!"

"Blimey Albus, chill, yeah? I haven't been avoiding you at all I've just needed alone time recently. As for Tom I'm sorry, I'll talk to him later. You're getting more and more like your Father everyday Albi, keep your hair on, yeah?"

"You're getting more and more like your Mum everyday. Sorry, it's just, we miss you Rosie. Stop hiding, just for a day, come to Hogsmeade with us. You never know, you and Tom might be able to actually talk to each other,"

Rose laughed; it was funny that she'd been going out with Thomas for a week now and she hadn't held a proper conversation with him since. How could she though, when he was the rebound. "OK, just let me put this book back yeah?"

"OK then, I'll wait for you." As she went to the Herbology section, she could have sworn she saw a flash of silver, but she knew she was only kidding herself. After last night's awkward encounter she knew he probably wouldn't want to look at her again. She made her way back to Albus and grabbed his hand, she didn't realise how much she had started to loath the library recently until she ran out the door. She looked back to see Albus grinning from ear to ear. It must be a strange concept to have Rosie Weasley running away from books. She smiled back and raced him to the coaches.

She sat opposite her cousin and next to her new boyfriend in the coach. He looked a lot like his father, Oliver, but she could see the resemblance of Katie Bell, his mother, in his eyes and mouth. He placed his arm around her shoulders in affection when she climbed in and she let herself be pulled into his embrace. It didn't feel right though, looking up at his face, it felt slightly awkward to her; like she didn't belong there. The carriage jolted into moving and he gripped her slightly tighter so she wouldn't fall forward. She wanted to wriggle out of his grasp but she was too weak, too tired.

She needed a dress for the Halloween ball that McGonagall had hosted every year since the Great Battle of Hogwarts. Not that she particularly wanted to go, it wasn't really her thing. She'd rather be at home with her muggle friends smoking weed, drinking vodka out the bottle and doing meaningless sexual favours. Hogwarts was too formal for her liking; this was a black tie event for wizards. With this in mind she and the girls split off from the boys to go shopping. Lily had the idea that it would be fun to surprise their dates and make an impression. She really was like Auntie Ginny.

"How about this one Rosie?" Lily said, pulling a dress from the rack,

"Too girly and honestly if you thought I'd like that you really don't know me,"

"How about this one?" Roxanne enquired,

"Too low cut,"

"This one?" Molly asked,

"Too short,"

"This one?" Lucy said

"It's shining gold, need I say more?"

"This one?"

"I'd look like a meringue,"

"You aren't being very helpful, Rosie. That's practically every design they have," Lily said impatiently

"What about this one?" Rose said pulling the only half decent dress from the rack.

"Go for it, heck if it was a chicken I'd say go for it, that's the first one you've picked out since we've got here. Try it on." Rose took the dress into the changing rooms and looked in the mirror disapprovingly. She stayed behind the curtain in the dress, not wanting to step out of the cubicle but knowing that Lily and Roxy would want to see it. "I don't like it!" she yelled and she heard a sudden hurry of feet as the whole gaggle came over to the changing room. 'Great. Now I'm a fucking freak show.'

"Don't take it off we're coming in to look," came Lily's voice. When she and Roxanne entered Rose was pulling at different places in the dress, willing it to become baggy like the rest of her clothes, "stop that Rosie!" Lily said slapping her hands, "now stand up straight. No do it properly. There you go. Now what is it that you don't like about it?"

"It makes my boobs look big," Rose said

"OK. That's a good thing, what else?" Roxanne said,

"It's short,"

"Hardly sweety, it's knee length," Lily piped up,

"I look like a dick," Rose said, refusing to admit defeat, "oh and I can't wear a bra with it."

"You don't look like a dick you look amazing and as for the bra issue; we are witches, we don't have wands for no reason whatsoever," Lily said.

"Fine, I'll get it,"

"Great! Now what do you think of this one?" Roxy said pointing to the dress she was wearing,

"Um, I don't think the boys would approve of the cleavage,"

"Brilliant! Jus what I wanted!" Roxy said in all seriousness. Rose would never understand her cousin when it came to this kind of thing but she just shrugged and shooed them out of the cubicle. Once they had left Rose took the dress off carefully, as though she were expecting to rip it at any time. Lily insisted on buying new shoes as well although Rose wasn't too sure; after all she needed to buy some other things, like books and quills. Lily insisted that she was being silly and that if she'd just let her hair down for a bit people wouldn't make fun of her, as if on cue there came a sniggering voice from the alley to the girls' left.

"So Weasley, why are you hiding in the library? Trying to find out ways to avoid being hit by a Bludger?" it was Louis Zabini no one else had such a talent of talking through his nose. Rose looked up anyway to show Zabini the look of utter discontent on her face. She was surprised to see a glint of silver behind the culprit's head, "here's a tip, don't kiss the other Chaser whilst the game's still going on."

"Oh, God, Zabini, get over it! That was a week ago and I've heard this all before," she said shooting Malfoy a disapproving look. It seemed to have thrown Zabini slightly though and he started thinking of something else to say to her that would insult her. A smirk suddenly appeared on his face, scaring her slightly, although she would never admit that. Did he know about the summer?

"How's Mummy and Daddy? Still married?"

Both Lily and Rose frowned, "Yeah, why?"

"Last I heard your Dad was shopping elsewhere,"

"What? I don't know what you're talking about Zabini; my parents are very much in love,"

"Oh really because a little birdie told me that your Dad was fucking someone else. Someone of worthy blood status, nothing like the mudblood he married," that hit a nerve but before she could retaliate a velvet voice spoke up,

"That was uncalled for Louis!" Malfoy said with a surprising hostility in his voice he looked over to Rose and they locked eyes for a moment; hers filled with thanks. She didn't like being saved but what Zabini had said had really struck a chord. Suddenly Rose felt a protective arm around her waist and instinctively cowered into the owner. She was surprisingly disappointed when she realised it was Tom though and pulled away slightly. Albus was beside her with a look of shock on his face.

"You'll pay for this Malfoy!" he yelled after the now retreating Slytherins,

"It wasn't him Albi it was Zabini, Malfoy was the one who told him to stop," Rose said, slightly offended by her cousin's assumptions,

"Yeah, well, you can't be too careful with him. His father was a D-"

"Yes his father, who has not seemed to have rubbed off on Scorpius, leave it. I could handle myself," Rose lied, "get much?" she said changing the subject. She didn't like the vulnerability she had just been in.

"Yeah, you?"

"Yeah, although I, personally, would have rather have spent the money elsewhere but Lily insisted," Rose couldn't help but feel slightly uncomfortable with Tom's arm still placed around her waist. She knew he was only trying to be a good boyfriend, comfort her, but it made her feel slightly inferior to him. She wriggled out of his grasp and kept her back to him.

The journey back to the school was slightly awkward; Rose was being unnecessarily cruel to Tom by ignoring him; Lily was the only one talking the whole of the way back with Roxy nodding in agreement and Albus, James and Fred all listening half heartedly.

"What's wrong Rose?" Tom asked eventually, rubbing his hand up and down her back, she shrugged for him off and said

"Nothing," she was feeling particularly hollow at that moment and his attempt at comforting her wasn't doing anything to help,

"OK," he said, not entirely convinced.

Rose sat at the end of the table on her own in the hope that she could have the meal alone, she needed that. Her plan was flawed, however, by the fact that she had several cousins who were full of energy. She couldn't remember that, being energetic, it seemed alien to her now. She left the table without waiting for anyone, knowing she was getting looks from her friends and family that accused her of being rude. She didn't care.

"Rose, wait!" 'Great.' Albus was a godsend when she needed him but right now she didn't want to talk about it, she knew she would though; that's how it worked with him, it's not like he'd force her for answers, she'd just tell him. He ran up to her and blocked the corridor, "what's up? You've been off ever since Hogsmeade,"

"Oh, it's nothing, don't worry," this phrase caused Albus to instantly worry, giving her an reproving look, "it's just something Zabini said,"

"Don't let the whole 'your mother's a mudblood' thing get to you; your Mum is proud of her heritage, as should you be,"

"No it wasn't that, he said something about Dad before saying that,"

"What! What could he possibly say about him?"

"That he's been, and I quote, 'fucking someone else',"

"What! Come on Rosie, you know that's not true!"

"Do I? It seems logical; he has been working late a lot recently."

"Yeah, but that's just part of the job. Don't listen to Zabini, he talks shit constantly!"

"Mm, maybe, I'm off to bed, I'm pretty tired after all that shopping, seriously, I don't see how Roxy and Lily can do it all the time." With that she walked through the portrait hole and up to her room. So much for that essay, oh well there was a whole day free tomorrow. As she changed into her oversized tee-shirt and clashing pyjama trousers she contemplated having another spliff. Nah, she only had so much weed to last until Christmas.

She climbed into bed thinking about the dress she had bought that day, about the bits of her body that she would slice off to look better. She thought of all the blood that would end up on the floor, the questions she'd be asked, the pain she would feel. She wondered what it would feel like to cut her own throat. That's the way she'd want to me murdered; bring cut through veins and arteries, cut through the voice box, cut through the wind pipe. Yes, that was the way to die. She could imagine the deep crimson liquid pulsing in time with her dying heart, pouring out in gushes at first but when her heart would slow it would start to trickle down the front of her neck and seep into her clothes. She would look like a vampire that had just fed with the blood she was choking on oozing from her partially opened mouth. 'Too messy,' she thought to herself. As she drifted to sleep her last thought was a vision of her splayed on the ground beneath her dorm window.

AN: Bit of a dark side, what do you think? And has Ron had an affair, if so, with who?

There are a few typos, please excuse them.