Beautiful People

Chapter 11: But I Cannot Change the Past

Beta: beta'd by strawberries and napkins

...

Dear Sakura,

This is infuriating! I can't do this, how can Naruto do it! All he does it nitpick and comment on every single thing that I do!! Like, 'hurry up, you're slowing us down' or 'I can still sense your chakra, manage it better before you get us killed.' And I don't even want to talk about his snide comments about my messy hair or that I didn't set up camp properly. At the same time, I want to punch him and yell at him, but at the same time, I feel like crying. He hates me so much, and I can't even defend myself. Could this trip have gotten any longer?

But at the same time, I'm ashamed to have said that I'm relieved to be out of Konoha since there were so many things running around my head, and while granted I'll have to deal with these in the company of Uchiha, I get more time to think. And I need to think, because thinking keeps me from crying. Thinking keeps me from starting a pointless argument with Sasuke in which he'll probably win anyway, so what's the point in that? But I can tell he wants me to, he wants me to get mad so I'll say something I'll regret. What is he expecting, a confession, some hidden truths, Naruto's past? No way. My plan is to get away Sakura; all I need to do is get away for awhile.


Great, it's time for a break and I'm so happy for it because we've been moving since morning without rests or breakfast. Our job was simple, catch a few thieves who infiltrated our database and stole some blueprints for a few machines and headed through the forest and into the outskirts of Konoha, most of the farming is done there. I couldn't even help but think about that girl I met in the parlor, and where she would be there. I asked Sasuke what he thought the people were like there but he gave me a look so I gave up on talking to him.

That was about seven hours ago. Now we're planning on resting, because honestly, these thieves are amateurs at everything. The traps were mediocre, and they failed trying to run us around the forest in circles because Sasuke's smarter than that. They couldn't fool my eyes either, because they had a hard time covering up chakra tracks after setting up a trap so I knew where they were heading. But they managed to cover a lot of ground before we were on their track so I guess I'm still wondering what their abilities are.

I looked around for any signs. Sasuke wasn't around, almost insisted that he'd go out for firewood and that I set up the tiny camp and a few ninja traps around our area. We were hiding out on the rocky embankment of the forest, near the irrigation river. It was simple work, incredibly easy and I'm getting frustrated because I'm bored. Even my talking to myself wasn't satisfying me enough. I guess I wanted to get Sasuke to talk as much as he wanted me to talk too, and now we're just seeing who will crack first.

But let me tell you, Sasuke's good at this game. I doubt I'll make it far.

For now however, I chose to relax while he worked. Whatever. I peeled off my stinky shoes and sat by the nearby stream, dipping my feet in and I moaned out loud. My feet ached so badly from running and all of a sudden I felt very sweaty and sticky. Don't worry though, he'll point it out to me eventually I bet.

As I played around in the water a bit, I started thinking about Sakura. We used to go skinny dipping at night all the time when I couldn't sleep. Even thinking about it now doesn't bother me, the fact that she's into me is really flattering and I'm still praying God will change his mind and make me a happy lesbian. But I just can't, and when I get back I will tell her that. But I'm staying her friend, because she's my best friend and I need her. I'm always going to need her, whether she loves me or not won't change that.

I just wished I could've said that then.

Then I thought about Neji, and wanted to get angry but I couldn't. When people say they were only looking out for your best interest, it's usually bullshit. But Neji doesn't bullshit, so I know it must've been difficult for him to talk about my past like that. Even I'm not comfortable doing that yet. And technically it's not a "past"; it's what happened awhile ago when I was in a bad relationship. So I made a few bad choices that impact the way I act now, I never thought it would be permanent. And I never figured that I could wake up and be sad. You can't wake up and be sad. But that's me. I wake up, and I feel sad.

I buried my toes in the sandy gravel below the water. It feels really good, so much so that I still feel like I don't deserve it.

"Is this your idea of keeping watch?"

Oh shit, he's back. I jumped and opened my mouth, but he didn't even regard what I was going to say and started arranging the firewood, and then lit it. I wanted to ask why, the sun hadn't set yet and it was still plenty warm but I won't because I'm not starting an argument. So I sighed and plucked my wet feet out of the water, but I won't put my shoes on just yet because I hate when the gravel on my shoes mixes with my damp feet. It's the most uncomfortable way when you're trying to keep up with Sasuke.

I made my way over to him, took a faraway seat, and explained where the traps where and how to avoid them, all the clues I found. I'll let him do the rest, since it shouldn't take us long to get the blueprints back and go back home.

Home, to Konoha. I shivered unconsciously.

"The water feels pretty good, if you're tired…" I trailed off, because now he's staring at me intently like he's trying to see if I'm messing with him, but I wasn't.

He snorted. "I would, but you can't seem to be able of keeping watch anyway." Oh god, I want to claw his eyes out. I averted my gaze.

"I'll keep watch this time, if you want to―"

"I don't."

"Okay, fine." Jeez, I get he has a problem with me but now it's just getting ridiculous. Will it stay this way throughout the entire trip?

He left me by the fire and took my sebon needles to go fishing. I wanted to remind him that there probably wouldn't be fish in the stream, but it's just like Sasuke's nature to miraculously fish out of an irrigation stream. They were pretty fair-sized too. I'm glad I didn't say anything. Instead, I curled up by the fire and wrapped my arms around my knees. Times like this, when I'm not thinking and I'm not talking, I'd be crying. I don't even know why I cry anymore, but I want to real bad. I want to cry because I'm thinking about how unfair it is for Naruto to be with something like that.

I want to cry because I don't see why I couldn't measure up to that. So instead I closed my eyes and laid on my back, ignoring anything that wasn't the sky.

Mm, the fish smells good; I'm actually pretty hungry since―

"The trap!" I jumped up to my feet, Sasuke was quick on his too and I took the lead into the shrub. This trap was chakra activation, good for crossing ninjas, or chakra inscribed letters incase they're communicating with each other somehow. There was also a regular bear trap, just in case.

I activated my Byakugan and rushed in, without thinking. It was a dumb mistake.

"Slow down," Sasuke called out from behind me, and instinctively I stopped, but it was too late because they set up a counter trap, and I was caught in it. In an instant, I was dodging all types of kunai and shuriken, but I could see it. The chakra signature was facing south and was enough for me to say it was a person's, so I kept going. Sasuke was already protecting me.

I was searching for another sign, anything. But before I knew it, I was being yanked upwards into the tree by the very bear trap I had set for another person and I wanted to slap myself when I saw the incredulous look on Sasuke's face, like he couldn't believe what I couldn't believe. I was being really foolish. Lucky for me though, he saved me, but it did its damage and my left foot took a good scraping.

He cut it swiftly and caught me in his arms when I fell; staring at me like I was the dumbest person he's ever seen. Now I know why Naruto gets angry at him all the time, the look he's giving me is grating on my nerves, but my foot throbbing and bleeding was calling a bit louder. I smiled wistfully and thanked him.

He shook his head, but didn't let me go. Sasuke was carrying me back. I was thankful.

But I've never wanted to cry more than I've wanted to cry right then. I was being so stupid, and I was ashamed that he saved me.

That he had to save me.

The rest of the evening was pretty awkward, I insisted on treating myself even though he kept calling me and idiot up and down for even attempting that, but I'm not sure if I regret doing it. My foot is fine, a bit sore, but some resting overnight and I should be fine tomorrow. The point is I got the chakra signatures, and we know that there are four of them, but only two are users. I don't regret seeing the look on Sasuke's face when I read off the information. That was the highlight of my day. Oh, well, that and the fish. That was pretty tasty too.

After that, I told Sasuke that I'd take watch first so he could get some early sleep and for once I'm glad he didn't have any kind of weird remark to say to me. It was pretty obvious he was overexerting himself and when I went back inside to fetch my journal, he had already fallen asleep without even taking his shoes off or tucking in. So I was careful, and I did it for him. I don't know why, I guess…maybe I'm just hoping that a good favor will come my way if I'm nice to him. Maybe it already did, considering that I haven't lost a foot today.

I couldn't even thank him, it was too hard. But now I do feel a bit guilty and I doubt that someone will come by if I sat by him and wrote in my journal for awhile, besides, my foot was still shooting pain up my leg. So I did, but I had to be very quiet.

Oh, gosh. I had almost forgotten that I started writing to you early this morning, trying to catch my peace before Sasuke woke up but he's an early bird. And not a morning person. Naruto was a great morning person…

Gah. I'm doing it again; thinking about beautiful Naruto is, in everything. Looking at Sasuke makes me think that he doesn't deserve being around someone who is so outstandingly beautiful. But when Sasuke sleeps…

My god, when Sasuke is sleeping he looks like an angel sent from Earth and every detail going on in his head is on his face and it's breathtaking. Sometimes even the most despicable of people can be beautiful, I'm learning. Ugly is only an adjective, and I think I've been using it on the wrong people. Maybe I should stop using it on Sasuke and use it on me, since it probably accurately describes my situation, the way I handle my friends…

My relationships…

I keep thinking about it because Sasuke in front of me, like a constant reminder that you get sick of. But I won't do anything against him because tonight he saved me, even if it wasn't completely heroic or anything. He didn't have to save me.

Oh my god. He didn't have to save me.

He wanted to save me.

My ears are ringing, and now my ears are burning and I know I want to cry now, because I'm such an idiot and my personality is disgusting or trying to get angry at Sasuke when he saved my life. I wish that I wasn't so stupid that I'd have fallen for my own trick. I feel sick. Sick with myself. Even calling myself every name in the book won't save me from this. Am I going to die ignorant and alone?

Please, god. Don't let me die ignorant and alone. I'm losing everything except my life.

Shit, I'm starting to cry. This entry wasn't supposed to be long anyway, I just wanted to tell you that although Sasuke is unknowingly suffocating me, he's useful and I'm thankful for him. So thankful. Even if it's information he wants, because I know he wants to learn about what Naruto and I do, or did, and what was going on when he wasn't here. How Naruto was. Why he is the way he is now. I don't have the courage I need, and I honestly believe that I'm envious of Sasuke and I'm fighting with myself not to want to hate him. I should hate him, if he hadn't have come back my sacrifices would've meant something, that my beauty wouldn't have been fictional.

But I'm lying. Sasuke's perfect, and I mean that the way perfect is supposed to be applied to a person.

There are so many things that I want from myself, and I don't think I can find my own closure. It's deeper than Sasuke and I, Sakura and I, Neji and I, and probably not even Naruto and I.

It's about me. Only I can change me. But I'll never be able to change the past.

Hinata


By then, I couldn't move until I had stopped crying, so I tried to be as silent as possible and let out as many tears as my eyes would allow before I would leave. I was staring hard at my journal, and I missed Sakura so much. I miss her so much, I do. I'm thinking that she has what I need, and maybe that's why I was so drawn to her.

It's all my thoughts anyway. I started to move, tucked my journal away in my hiding spot and almost left but then I felt the squeeze of warm fingers around my wrist.

"Sasu―" I cut myself short and looked at him, but he wasn't awake. There was a gleam of sweat on his forehead and his eyebrows were knit together. He was blushing, but I can't tell if it was some erotic dream or some nightmare. The image of Naruto and Sasuke rubbing together, touching, kissing, and all in passion under a few sheets was enough to make my stomach swim and I tried to snatch my arm away but his grip tightened.

"Naruto, Naruto, Naruto…" I stopped fighting. His murmurs were slick and heavy, and now I'm almost sure he's imagining lots of things I don't want to picture myself.

"Beautiful, so beautiful. Save you…let me…you…I will…" Oh god, my heart sank. Who was he talking about?

Me?

Or is it still Naruto?

But why do I wish it was me he was talking about? I waited until he stopped chanting Naruto's name and the broken sentences died. Then his grip loosened again and I was careful to pry my fingers out this time and I managed to crawl out of there, but not before he left me a parting gift.

"You…tell me…naruto…why…need you…" He rolled over in his sheet and I could feel the tension rise out of my chest because he had fallen back into a deep sleep.

I wonder if he missed Naruto the way I missed Sakura.

I wonder if he needed something he didn't have either, and now I'm wondering if the word perfect could ever be applied to anyone.

But definitely not to people like me.

It really took a lot to do this, because while I was writing it, I didn't have much inspiration so I had to bring back some old memories of broken friendships and while I wrote this I even started to cry alittle, so my hopes are that I've put some life into Hinata's character. Thank you very much for reading and please review.