26 Times Jim Thought Being Captain Was NOT Utterly Awesome
Admiral Nogura really didn't need to yell at him that time they accidentally started a war between two previously uncharted planets especially since it was so totally not his fault and he did convince them to stop fighting because as awesome as he is, no, he's really not a god.
Before he was Captain, he could have slept with every willing member of the crew, but then that was also before he fell completely and totally in love with Spock so really that part about sleeping with the crew was doubly moot.
Catching two crewmembers in a compromising position in a place they should have never been to start with never gets any easier, no matter how many times he has yelled "Get a freaking room already."
Denying shoreleave to three of Scotty's engineers seemed overly harsh even though they did in fact totally screw up but they were really sorry afterwards and what harm would it do to just give them one more chance, really?
Except if you give them one more chance, Captain, and allow them to take shoreleave, they will not fully comprehend the severity of their lack of attention to detail and duty.
Fine, Spock, I'll be the hardass you want me to be and make them stay on board while we go down to the planet and eat really good food and swim in the ocean and make love on the sand.
Going to all those stupid Federation banquets never gets any less annoying or tiring, but at least when Spock is with him, they can use their bond to share images of how they will spend their time together once the latest stupid "official function" is finally over.
How hard is it, really, for those two crewmembers to settle their own personal vendetta instead of constantly coming to him to whine about what Paul supposedly did in retaliation to Eric's latest deed of unspeakable evil?
Insubordination has various meanings but, really, when he told Admiral Fitzgerald to shut the fuck up already he meant it in the kindest, most respectful way possible.
Jail cells on Vehaad VI are the nicest while the ones of Kenter Minor are the absolute worse especially since the natives are only three feet tall.
Kenter Minor, it turns out, has strict rules forbidding public displays of affection but the crew only discovered that includes making direct eye contact after the Captain had been arrested for it.
Laws obviously vary from planet to planet but it would be nice, really, if the planetary representatives would provide the list of those things that will get your Captain arrested before he is hauled off and incarcerated.
Manning the Bridge for four straight shifts would be much simpler if the Klingons would stop firing at his ship just long enough for him to go to the bathroom and drink an entire cup of coffee without them rocking his ship and spilling it all over his just-changed uniform.
Nowhere in Command training did they mention that urinary tract infections and hemorrhoids are a professional hazard of being Captain, nor does he especially appreciate it when Bones laughs at him when he has to admit that it has happened again.
Overseeing the entire inner workings of the Enterprise doesn't necessarily have to include inspecting overflowing crew toilets and helping to clear jammed garbage shoots, does it?
Paperwork.
Quite by accident, he learns that taking your shoes off before you enter the Most Revered Sacred Temple of Our Venerable Holiness is required rather than optional, a lesson he has plenty of time to contemplate as they wait for Admiral Pike to come to Aleixtensen and explain the Captain's grievous and quite unforgivable however unintentional insult, one he will never ever repeat if they will be so kind and forgiving as to simply release him to the Admiral's custody.
Rear Admiral Serapins seems to think the "incident" on Aleixtensen is the final straw and he will finally have his wish to relieve Kirk of command but the other Admirals voted him down, the decision to allow the Captain to retain the Enterprise unanimous, except for Serapins, of course.
Spock tried to warn him not to wade into the fountain in the middle of the town square but Jim was sure it would be okay because no one was around and it was just water, right?
Time-outs end up being a very effective method for dealing with some of the weirder behaviors of the younger-than-average crew, especially when the computers in their quarters are inactivated for the entire duration of their "think about what you did" periods.
Understanding the behavior of all 450+ crewmembers gets easier the older he gets but really sometimes it is like being the father to that many children even though they don't have any of his truly awesome genes.
Visiting dignitaries want to spend as much time as possible with the charming, attractive Captain of the Enterprise which is fine but there comes a time when that same Captain really does need to get some sleep.
Whitewashing the truth takes a certain amount of skill, diplomacy, and charm, the last of which he has in abundance, and the first two he's getting more and more of, much to the dismay of the Admiralty.
Xenophobic planets still piss him off and he'll never get very good at pretending otherwise.
Yes sir is a lot easier to say when you're half way across the galaxy and they won't know if you did what you were told, but returning to Earth and saying it face-to-face to some of the more idiotic Admirals at Starfleet headquarters is much more of a challenge.
Zebra becomes their code word whenever they are stuck at a boring diplomatic function, alerting the closest crewmember that he or she needs to get Spock and/or Bones now before Jim causes a diplomatic incident that even Pike won't be able to resolve.