Chapter Three : The Possibility of Chaos
The sensation of Raven slipping pass my defenses was unnerving at best. In the inner world I created for us to meet was something I tried so hard to keep neutral. But when Raven entered the scene it changed immediately and bits of my real inner world melted into the scenery. A cracked and broken moon provided the only light and the ground turned to red dirt. Struggling I was able to keep the changes at that.
"I do not know that moon." Raven commented. I tried for nonchalance. It must have worked cause the little neverah nodded then turned to look at me. "Alright, let's get this over with; I want out of here as fast as possible." She must have noticed my flinch because she closed her mouth and looked away in mild shame.
"Fine," I growled. "Come on neverah." I turned away from her to face the moon. I missed her annoyed expression but since she was in my mind I could feel it just fine. If the situation had been different I would have smirked. Instead I motioned for Raven to stand next to me which she did, then I concentrated on only the information I wanted to share with her. There were still monsters I could not face on my own yet. I didn't need to bring the neverah with me to my shady past.
The setting shifted but because I told it to, the red sand whirled around our bodies swirling our cloaks in a flurry of fabric. The moon came for us, traveling at an alarming speed. Raven flinched and move slightly behind me. I did smile this time. When the moon reached the rocky and wrecked surface of it turned into organized buildings and smooth roads.
"Anyone can make a replica of my planet." Raven remark dryly. I just huffed at her. So absorb in locking her out, her sarcasm was lost on me. Then the buildings and roads rumbled as I tried to focus on what needed to be done. It would hurt her. I knew it. Her denial in me and my words was blatant; I could almost taste it.
The monster erupted in a more terrifying manner than I had meant for it to. Trigon, in his horrible epitome of all things evil, towered over the world. It had not been Azarath I had showed her, it was earth. And once again terror raced through Raven's veins and my own since I shared her feelings for the moment. Running sounded too appealing and I shifted my weight to the balls of my feet.
"No."
An almost inaudible sound emitted the air. Her terror vastly outnumbered my own and swept over me in merely one, lone word.
A sickening roar deafened our ears and with one look I tried to pull us back from the knowledge. But it held us here with a firm and agonizing grip. Raven noted the panic in my eyes and I gritted my teeth at the fake monster. I would not harm this girl. She came here because I gave her the idea. I couldn't control my fear, but I could fight it just fine. More concentration and focus, that's all I needed, I closed my eyes and tried mentally forcing the entity away. More incoherent roaring and Raven pulling at my arm didn't distract me. I easily shoved the girl behind me as I continued to brutally push the fake Trigon away. It took a lot of energy, energy I could barely summon. I had been tired for months. What sleep I attempted was restless and filled with dreams much like what I was experiencing right now.
Screaming I fought the grip of my mental captor and shoved it far away from my little sister. Then an appalling slip of vertigo set the both of us alone on the red sand, the broken moon far from us like it should be. My breathing was erratic and my chest was aching. Tears threatened to spill and I desperately need a washroom. Too much adrenaline and not enough energy to feed it did that to me. A grumble came from my stomach and I figured I was going to be sick.
Another tipsy spin brought me back to the couch inside the Teen Titians' tower. I hissed then turned to empty my stomach on the nearest flat surface. My body was shaking too much for me to control anything it did. Then a weightless feeling settled over me. It wasn't any better but at least I didn't have to worry about falling into my mess. I was placed on a smooth and soft surface.
When I opened my eyes Raven was leaning over me, her hair falling in a sheet on both sides of her face. She smiled at me and that one expression was the last I saw when the lights went completely out.
Something comfy and soft was under me. My face was mashed into the softness and I new that if I had the choice I would never leave this warm spot. However, the desire to find a washroom became rather strong so I began to move away from my sanctuary. As I stepped back from the bed I realized I had missed the object. Beds were not a necessity in times of war. I had become quite accustom to sleeping on hard ground. Apparently my body preferred the bed. Wuss.
I found a door directly opposite to the wall with the bed. My strides were wobbly as I walked to the door, my hand raised to open it, but it didn't have a panel or a handle or anything of the like to open it. I moved my hand over a glowing keypad hanging on the wall and the doors made a whooshing sound as they spread apart. I frown. That would be difficult to override. Whoever made it should be proud of such equipment.
Shadows swallowed me as I moved to a door across from the door I existed. It was a washroom. Thank Zenthos!
Once I was feeling closer to humanoid enough, I thought about going back to bed. I stood outside the door I came from. The bed almost called to me. A loud clanging broke my thoughts and I looked down the long hallway. Investigating the tower activated the restless feeling I hadn't bothered to sedate yet. So with measured and sure steps, I moved down the hallway towards the clanging as it repeated itself several times.
"I shall prepare a meal to our guest!" The voice was high-pitched and cultured. The speaker had to be the Tameranean princess. I sighed. Not the Titian I was looking for. Raven would have been greater company. Perhaps she knows where the little neverah is. I huffed at myself. Fine, I could tolerate the princess's presence if she owned this amount of information.
Straightening my shoulders I motioned for the doors to open and I moved with confidence to where the alien floated. She was in the middle of the kitchen with some kind of indefinable gooey substance in her hair and all over the counters. I raised my eyebrows at her as she bustled undisturbed. She did not sense me at all. Interesting little tidbit, that is. I cleared my throat so as not to startle too much and inwardly smirk as she flinched.
"Sister of Raven's!" she proclaimed joyously. This time I flinch: too early for joyous proclaiming. "I am making the traditional sweets of my world to share my elation for the reunion of you and Raven!" I wasn't sure if she was trying to jump with her joy or if it was some sporadic movement caused by the fumes from the pots on the stove. Never mind. No answer to any question was worth whatever was going on here. I tried to think of some way to tell her I was deathly ill to Tameranean cuisine, when the main doors whooshed open and the cyborg walked through. Grumbling under his breathe he didn't even noticed me standing in indecisive confusion. The princess announced his arrival as if he were a noble in her court.
When he looked up from his mutterings his eye locked with mine and I gave him a raised chain in greeting. I wasn't sure where I stood with these people. "Friend Cyborg! Please you must do the taste testing of my welcoming dessert for Raven's sister!"
I watch in fascination as part of the metal man's face turned green. He shook his head as he tried to be polite to his teammate. "I wish I could help, but I need to check out some schematics." Then he addressed me. "I'm Cyborg. Could you please tell me how to get your ship to stop shocking me and wrecking havoc to my wiring?"
I snorted. His frown only made the sound more difficult to stop. I clutched my sides and shook my head in an apology. "Sorry. Sorry. Your-" I waved my hand at his direction, "You are made of foreign technology. My Firefly acts fickle around new stuff like you. Don't take offense to her. She doesn't mean it." I gave him a sideways look. When he nodded with an easy smile I knew he got my secrete apology. "I could help you out with her. She's pretty dated."
A cyborg who could blanch: something I had never seen in my life. "Dated? Dated?! You say she's dated?!?!" Evidently Earth was farther behind in technology then I had assumed.
Another clang snatched for my attention. Starfire was pouting at the oven. "Raven broke it Cyborg. It won't bake any of my dishes correctly". As Cyborg sighed I figured the oven had nothing to do with Raven. "Star, maybe you should give it some time to rest."
Still pouting Starfire nodded then brightened in the span of a nanosecond. "No Matter! The Glarfnog Noggon is almost done. I just need some mustard and sugar and it'll be ready for tonight!"
Once again a low and uncomfortable growl came from my stomach. I bit back a groan and instead asked Cyborg the question I had been aching to ask. "Where is Raven?" He stared at me giving me a quick thorough glance from my feet to my hair. My hands itched to smooth out any stray strands, which might as well just be my whole mane. "She went to get you a change of clothing." He finally said. I felt my cheek heat and tried to clam my nerves. "Robin went with her. Beast Boy is assessing the damage to your ship. It doesn't harm him at all."
None of this information meant anything to me. I didn't care where the other two were. Raven went to get me something, so she would be back. "You want a shower?" Cyborg asked. I could hint to awkwardness. I didn't think he liked me much. Stupid ship.
I nodded and let him lead me to the same washroom only because I figured it was polite. He showed a robe at me to use until Raven returned and told me to take as long as I wanted. The comment was in the underlining of his gestures. Three years on a ship and suffering all kinds of turmoil before that had put bathing on the bottom of the list of requirements. Things like 'not dying' seemed to have taken too much of that list for anything else to really be on it.
Hot water was other blessing I had done without for so long. I took Cyborg's advice and took the longest shower I could. Dirt from too many planets washed down the drain and when I felt adequately clean I scrubbed myself a second and third time. The idea of being in the same room as my sister motivated me to be as unsoiled as possible. Parts of my soul could never come off, but I would at least try to be a better person for her. She was a hero after all, she did good deeds everyday.
As I rubbed the towel over my wrinkled skin I hoped I hadn't scared her into avoiding me. I understood she would need time to accept what I had brought with me. I just hope she didn't pin the whole issue as my fault.
I opened the washroom door in a fluffy white robe and hesitated going back into the main room. Exhaustion begged me to return to the warm and inviting bed. I went to the room but stood at the doorway. I focused on loosening what muscles the shower did not.
It was an odd room. I appreciated the lack of light in the small space. Books lined most of the walls and I held the embarrassing need to pick one up. Rokakas did not need books. Unless it was worth a reasonable sum, they hardly ever read anything. Of course the occasional wanted poster here or there did not count.
More books concealed bits of the carpet. An odd choice in décor that it was too: the carpet I mean. It was a soft lavender in the little light there was, but a haphazard pathway of a darker blue streaked in the center of the room. The path escorted you from the door to the bed. In case you got lost? A snicker escaped from me before I knew it. My own secret joke brought more joy to me that anything in the last several years.
With continued humor I followed the path to the bed, still snickering to myself. The wonderful object was round: a style from Azarath. I stopped. Cautiously I pivoted around to analyze the whole space. Statues of crows and ravens and other little birds sat on what space there was on the bookshelves that was not occupied by books. Arches were incorporated into the décor and a well-sized chest was positioned under a desk.
My throat was too dry to swallow anything. I was in Raven's bedroom. After I passed out, she must have left me here to sleep. Although a sweet gesture, I felt out of place and a chill swept pass my bones. I couldn't sleep here. Not while I knew I was here anyway.
Nevertheless, Raven was still out. She left me here, so here is where she expected to find me. I couldn't explore the Titians Tower without upsetting someone. Starfire had shared feelings of joy at my arrival. Either she couldn't read Raven's outburst at me well, or perhaps Raven accepted everything. Right. I didn't bank on positivism often enough. A pessimist usually stayed alive.
I fidgeted where I sat eyed the books on the shelf. The white chest in the corner of the room was pulsing with majicks. It felt supernaturally intimate, like a lover's caress. Strange and yet comforting, feelings I smartly shoved into a little jar and stacked onto another little jar in the back of my mind.
One particular book on the floor beside my bare feet caught my attention. "The Best of Poe" the title stated. Eyebrows raised in intrigue, I opened to book to the table of contents to scan. Yeah, this could shut that pulsing up, and entertain me until Raven returned.
Guilt was something I tried to avoid at all cost. I hated the feeling. You'd think with all my circuitry I could just delete the program or something. No. It doesn't work like that. All my human emotions and will and endurance and quirks are wired to the hard drive. I would never get a new one of those. Mine was mine and only mine. Nothing more to it.
But Guilt? Yeah, I could do without that file. That and Annoyed. Maybe if I did not possess the emotion 'Annoyed' then perhaps Beast Boy wouldn't be planted face-first in the hot desert sand right now. Pity was related to Guilt and I wish that was something I didn't have either. Every time I attacked the changeling I felt compelled to apologize. But I don't.
And if I wasn't Guilty of the way I had acted to Maeve then her ship wouldn't be attacking me every 3.49 seconds! I shouldn't have looked at her like that. She was dirty, sure, so was her ship-
OUCH!
Stupid ship-
AH!
It shocks me with a volt my sensors can't even place. She may have been dirty-
WHAT THE?!
But at least she's sophisticated.
Her networking and blueprints are nothing I have ever seen. I couldn't even come up with the correct chemical equation for her fuel. It was so complex.
"Maybe you two should get a room."
"Why can't you learn to shut up?" I snarled at B as I shoved him out of my light. Adding enough force so that he flew off the ship completely. I was also annoyed with the ship because it actually preferred Beast Boy's company. That's right. You heard me. The ship preferred him than me!
HISS
Her shocking mechanism couldn't be located either. Another thing that bothered me. Bothered me like Beast Boy bothered me.
"I'm just saying!" The green dude complained from next to the tool chest. He at least learned to be out of arm's reach. Of course he always forgot about my detachable arm. Sometime he made me wonder whether he forgot things like that on purpose to make me feel more human, or if he really did forget that stuff. "You look like a jealous boyfriend."
"You would know from experience what a jealous boyfriend looks like?" I countered. He annoyed me like no other, but he was good company. We could joke as easy as we could fight. It was comforting to feel like this around him: human.
"Of course. But it isn't my fault!" The changeling cried in horror as he brought me the three wrenches I wanted to try on the ship.
"Uh-huh." I mocked him. That was another thing about this complicated contraption.
SONOFA-!
Her measurements were unlike anything here on Earth. Which should have been obvious to me, but I don't work on many out of our section's equipment.
"I'm serious Dude. The ladies love me. It's the pointy ears, you know. How am I supposed to know they have boyfriends, or husbands?"
"Or girlfriends or brothers or fathers or-"
"You're just jealous of my player-skills." B muttered half-heartedly. He knew things with Her weren't well right now. But because it's him, he had to ask about it anyway. "How's Bumble Bee doing?"
I tried for a casual, laid-back answer but he must have heard the hurt in my voice. "They've been better. She's just says she can't handle the distance. Titians East is her team, you know? We're all Titians, but that is her team. I can't just transfer. I mean I went to get them started and got things moving strictly for motivational reasons but I belong here." I was almost worried when B doesn't say anything for long periods of time.
"Sounds like it sucks, man." Was all he said. I nodded and tried to think non-threatening thoughts to the ship. "How about this though." I looked over at Beast Boy and raised my only eyebrow for him to continue. "I mean, Raven has a sister."
Oh, so he wanted to talk about the girl whose ship was zapping the living-
WHAT DID I DO?!
Beast Boy resumed the topic as if I hadn't had an unidentifiable amount of electricity forcible sent through my system. "I like her."
I stared at him for a second, my hands in the air about to do whatever I had wanted them to do whatever that had been but I couldn't remember. I wasn't shocked-stupid that Beast Boy liked a woman. No. That was common knowledge. But that woman? He couldn't be feeling well cause he-
STOP WITH THE SHOCKING!
"She's scared of us though, I could smell it, especially when Robin showed up. And before that when I was taking her to Rea in the first place, she was afraid. It's a palpable thing." My friend wasn't looking at me anymore. A weird glaze came over his eyes as if he were remembering exactly what her fear smelled like.
"You told me you couldn't do that in your human form unless you concentrated." I sat the tools aside and looked directly at him.
"Yeah. Well, that was last year Dude. I guess I'm still evolving." He gave me a goofy grin but I knew he was trying to make things sound so easy. I envied that in him. He could make to most vial situation seem hopeful.
"Evolving huh? Sounds like you were hitting on her." I grinned back at his stunned expression. If he didn't want to talk about it, I wouldn't push it.
"I swear if it had been anyone but Raven's sister I wouldn't have!" The green guy cried. "Please don't tell Raven. She'd kill me three ways to Thursday! I mean she didn't have one of those gems in her forehead like Rea. How was I suppose to know!" Then as an afterthought he said, "I didn't hit on her!"
I frowned at that. "I knew you'd hit on her! Raven told me that gem was given to her when she got control of her powers. Since this woman didn't get that training, she didn't get a gem. And why would I tell Raven? She looked like she couldn't get out of her fast enough when that woman passed out. She left her in her room, yeah, but I thought she looked uncomfortable with the whole situation."
"That's 'cause Rea doesn't deal with feelings well you know. She was anxious. She left because she needed to keep herself busy while Maeve sleeps."
"You sound like an expert on Rea now."
I didn't see a blush on Beast Boy's face, but I did note that my sensors indicated to a pick up in his heart rate. How was this any different than the guy's super-sense of smell?
"Shut up, dude. It's not like that you know. I mean, I smelled it. That's all. You know there's nothing else there, dude. I mean, I like Rea too. But it's not like that. Not like that at all."
I waited for him to quit rambling like normal. I swear Beast Boy's mouth is as fast as his cheetah form. He never knows when to shut up-
OUCH!
"Stupid ship! It's not my technology that's got you in a pissy mood!"
"Uh Dude? It's a ship. It can't hear you."
Yeah. I really hated being Annoyed. I disliked the unsettling squirminess of being Guilty.
At least B didn't bring up what Raven's sister said. Trigon coming back to destroy the world still haunted my nightmares. Nightmares I couldn't completely understand I was having. I was part machine. Machines didn't dream, much less have nightmares.
But lately I had, and they were bad. Those shadows of Beast Boy, Starfire and myself were always there. I hated it. I either fought myself and lost because I couldn't overcome my flaws like it somehow did, or I had to attack and kill Beast Boy's or Starfire's. And those always ended with the shadow turning into the real Beast Boy or Starfire.
The worst of the nightmares though were the ones with Bumble Bee in them. She was suffering and I was helpless to do anything. Sometimes my shadow would take her and I would have to watch him torture her. Like I was torturing her! Sometimes she would call out for me and when I found her, she would turn into a shadow and attack me.
I could never bring myself to hurt the shadows of Bee. I always woke from those in moments of self-preservation because if I stay asleep any longer, I would have to witness her murder me.
These nightmares raided my sleep for months after Trigon was sealed away and for some strange reason, recently too. My last one was only a couple of weeks ago. It had been about Bee.
"Hey. Cy? You doing ok?" I forgot Beast Boy was here. Had he ever suffered from nightmares? After all, the little guy did say that cats and dogs could dream. It wasn't like he was part machine.
"Hey, do you mind if I ask you something personal?" My comrade's persona changed dramatically with that one question. His boyish appearance seemed to melt away from a cold, almost predator look. I would never admit- ever!- that Beast Boy could intimidate me. The changeling was a whole foot shorter than me for circuit's sake. Though built with lean muscle, he would never be able to out-lift me in barbells.
"Sure."
One word. Great. I had made him go into that whole 'one-word-habit' he picked up when he finish with puberty. Just freakin' fantastic. Although things got awkward, I still figured I could ask him anything and he'd give me an honest answer.
"Do- or- Did you ever have nightmares of that time when Trigon tried to destroy this place?" I turned back to the ship. I figured if I acted like it was nothing then maybe he would think so too.
"Of course I did. No one goes through something like that and not get any nightmares as souvenirs. If you didn't get 'em then I'd have to send you to the Funny Farm ASAP." He sounded so distant. He was uncomfortable and I was guilty about that but for some reason the answer didn't make me feel any better. So I pressed him.
"What are they about?"
There was an awful five minutes where I thought he wasn't going to answer. I slumped my shoulders and hoped that he wouldn't act all weird later. Then he spoke up again. "Mostly I am fighting Trigon." I turned to look at him. It sounded conceited and I was going to tell him it wasn't a nightmare if you beat the most evil thing ever to have lived. But his face stopped me. He was so tortured.
"I don't know where the rest of us are. It's just me fighting the scariest dude ever. I know I can't win. But I'm doing it anyway 'cause I think the rest of you are on your way. I remember thinking 'Robin will show up with Raven and it'll all work out.' But it doesn't. None of you show up."
"Are there others?"
"Yeah. Some are really messed up; like that shadow-me went around killing all of you, one by one. I watch it happen like it's some kind of movie. But then it isn't a movie anymore and it isn't my shadow that is hurting you. It's me."
There's nothing to say to that. I mean I can't tell him that it would never happen. I couldn't believe the kinds of things my subconscious could come up with. All I say is, "I know what you mean." Then neither of us says anything for a long time. Beast Boy breaks the silence first.
"When was the last time you had one of those dreams?"
"A couple of weeks ago Man. You?"
"Just five days."